What's My Name?

Ok, so, due to some life changes that were out of my control (namely, becoming suddenly single after my boyfriend of over three years just suddenly walked out on me and our home out of nowhere---seriously!), I'm considering getting a dog. I need help in the healing process and even though I used to be the #1 anti-pooch person, I feel totally different now. I owe this change of heart to Ceasar, my ex's Pitbull, who was the most loyal, loving, snuggly dog ever. We were arch rivals in many ways as I ran around cleaning up after he left his hair all over the house, but in the end, I truly loved this little guy. Unfortunately, I have no idea what happened to our relationship, and seemingly overnight, and without warning, I am left single and dog-less now.

So, where is this post going? I know that you're all used to our lighthearted, ridiculous posts. Don't worry, this one will not disappoint. I apologize for the depressing preface, but I had to let everyone know what's going on. That's why Big Ran, one of my best friends, has been carrying the blog for a while now. He's amazing, isn't he?  So, as I've been on petfinder.com I've noticed that there seems to be a plethora of dogs with RIDICULOUS names. The names are not only ridiculous for the dogs, but embarrassing for certain people whose images and likenesses are being used without their permission.


Consider the following:

1. Kelly Clarkson: Yes, that's right. A greyhound named after an American Idol winner. Unbelievable. I fail to see the similarities or how this could have even happened. How embarrassing would it be to call the vet and let them know you had to bring in your dog named Kelly Clarkson? How dumb would your neighbors think you were if they heard you calling "Kelly Clarkson" back into the house after she'd been out for a while running around. And, more importantly, what would Kelly Clarkson say if she found out? Ummmm...I'd be kind of embarrassed. On a side note, if you're interested in adopting Kelly (the canine, not the singer), check out the link: http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/16344722

Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson

2. Clarissa Billburry: What? This female German Shepherd most likely wouldn't have picked this name for herself. Also, why are people giving their dogs last names? I thought that their last name would be your last name? German Shepherds are suppose to be this strong, smart, intimidating breed. With a name like that, she's just going to get a lot of 'huhs'? and 'excuse mes?' And, because this isn't a celebrity name, how did someone come up with it? She's a homeless dog, dealing with a heart problem, hasn't she been through enough? I could totally deal with Clarissa, but the last name is what really gets me wondering. Check her out, she's cute! http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/19517626

3. Travis Billbury: See #2's commentary. I'm guessing they must be siblings. If not, I'm not sure what to say. http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/19517632

4. Ol' Man: Unacceptable. This is a dog, and he deserves a real name. Sounds like someone was just lazy. This is the equivalent of naming your newborn baby, 'kid' or 'child'. I hope this little guy gets adopted and given a real name. http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/17769008

5. Candy the Wacky Lab: Um, how about just Candy? It's not like you'd name a little boy w/ asthma "Jack the asthmatic boy". It just seems ridiculous to me. Whoever did this does not deserve a pet, ever. Also, that name isn't much of a selling point. Who wants a dog that's already being classified as wacky? *Please note, she also has a brother named "Wizard the Magic Lab". Poor little guy! http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/18464313

6. Henry Thomas: If he were a child, he'd be picked on at school with a name like that. Again, just Henry? Fine. Just Thomas? Cool. Henry Thomas=Nerd Alert. I wonder if he has a last name because it seems clear that he has a first and middle name. The good thing for this pup is that he's a pitbull, so if any of the other doggies taunt him, he can just maul them and put an end to it. http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/16866196

7. Snookie: While Snookie from "The Jersey Shore" is truly an animal in so many ways, it's simply not fair to this dog. Fail! http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/18812820

8. Fanny: No. Frigin. Way. Unfair! I pray that this dog is adopted and given a new name very quickly. Who would do that? http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/18444366

These were some that caught my attention, but there are plenty of others. Go to Petfinder.com to search for yourself and remember my simple rules for naming pets:

1. Avoid naming after celebrities. There CAN be an occasional exception to this rule, but think long and hard before you do it.
2. Avoid giving full names (middle and last names are not necessary).
3. Give REAL names (I'd much rather prefer "Henry Thomas" as dorky as it is, to say, "Bubbles". That's just degrading and/or lazy!)
4. Do not give them generic names such as Fido or Garfield.
5. Do not name them after an animal they aren't. For example, "Tiger". That's just not true and it's stupid.
6. Be creative, but consider how you'd feel if it were your name.
7. Do not name them with titles. For example, Prince, Princess, Dutchess. Gross.
8. No naming after body parts (see #8 above).

We here at "The Takeover" will call the ASPCA if we find out any of our rules have been broken.

-KC Jones

*Big Ran Note:  First of all, I am very, very happy to have KC back in the fold.  There is NO doubt that I am a much funnier person when she has input here.

Secondly, this is a great post.  Mrs. Big Ran and I are getting a second dog next week and it's a girl.  I have NO IDEA what to name her.  Male dogs are easy to name, it can be almost any male name or after something you like.  A friend of mine named her dog Cisco, after Cisco Breweries on Nantucket, it's perfect.  We named our first dog Otis, after Otis Redding.  My dog growing up was named Buddie.  Male dogs are much easier to find a name for.

With all that said, how friggin' awesome are dogs?  They are honestly the best things in the world.  DOgs are WAY better than people.

Big Ran PS:  What happened to Kelly Clarkson?

KC Jones Says: She looks like Meatloaf!

Big Ran note:  If Meatlof and Willie Nelson could have a child, this would be it.