DWTS Follow Up

I felt that I needed to make a separate post on my reaction to KC's DWTS blog today, because, well, that sh!t was a dissertation on the upcoming 2011 season.  Honestly, she broke that down like a pre season analysis of the NBA Eastern Conference.  She inspired me to do one as well, but rather than being well informed, I want to expose my ignorance as well as make fun of people.  I am not going to do any research for this whatsoever; straight from the dome.  Let's get started.

First of all, I have definitely seen DWTS before.  I don't think I've ever seen an entire season, but as my wife will tell you, I can predict what each judge will score the dance as well as their comments with exact precision.  BTW, huge fan of Carrie Ann Inaba, who at 41 is officially a cougar, right?  I'll take it in the same order as KC.

1.  David Arquette - Woof.  ABC must be STRUGG-A-LING to get anyone with any star appeal.  He brings absolutely nothing to the table.  He's a crappy actor, has a cheesy stache, and I don't think he's married to Courtney Cox anymore.  What's the point?  I would say he would be one of the worst to start, but this is a shallow pool this year.

2.  J.R. Martinez - never heard of him, but he's a soap opera star.  Is this Kelly Ripa's husband?  BTW, she's gross.  I wonder if her husband is a closet pedophile, because she has the body of a 10 year old.  Allegedly, he was in the military.  He'll stick around because he's a vet and is probably dreamy.  He's there for the ladies (and dudes who like dudes).

3.  Ron Artest - say what you want, but he's the biggest name on this list.  I may be biased because I am a sports fan and Ron is nuts.  However, as nuts as he is, he's fairly charming.  Ath;etes tend to do fairly well and I bet he sticks around for a while.  He'll get into it.  I also just heard that his request to change his name to Metta World Peace was temporarily denied because he has unpaid parking tickets.  This should work out well.

4.  Hope Solo - we've debated her looks on these pages, so this should be interesting.  She was America's sweetheart for the five minutes Americans care about soccer during the world cup.  I also heard that she has said she is not a good dancer.  She'll last a few weeks AND be linked romantically to whoever she dances with.

5.  Ricki Lake - I have no idea what she's been doing since her tv show; I would assume eating deep fried turkeys.  Was she big (no pun intended) during the Monica Lewinski action?  I feel like she had her and Linda Tripp on.  Maybe she just reminds me of Monica Lewinski.  I bet she makes a big push and contends in hopes of getting her career back and getting into shape.

6.  Rob Kardashian - What was he, like the 7th choice in the family?  Don't get a long term rental because you won't last long.  Kick rocks bro.

7.  Kristen Cavalleri - She was on that MTV pseudo reality show, don't remember the name.  She use to be cute, but vapid.  Now she's anorexic and vapid.  Not a good combo.  She has that look going where her head looks way too big for her emaciated body.  She won't last long because she will be too self-conscious.  She just broke up with Bears QB, Jay Cutler, who has to be one of the biggest douche cry babies in sports.

8.  Nancy Grace - She has to be one of the worst people in the world, right?  Like, at least the most nauseating.  I am starting to think she somehow masterminds the murders of blonde women in Bermuda just so she can have a show and yell at me through the tv.

9.  Carson Kressley - I remember him from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."  He was by far the gayest guy on the show, which is saying something.  My wife tells me he is now on a show called, "How to Look Good Naked."  I say this in complete seriousness:  I think it would be interesting that if they had a gay "star," and matched him up with a gay male dancer.  I know Middle America would implode and Michele Bachmann would blame another natural disaster on it happening, but wouldn't there be more chemistry?  I don't know.  I'm just spit balling here. 

10.  Chaz Bono - I learned a lot on this one.  OK, so HE use to be a SHE AND was the daughter of Sonny and Cher.  Wow.  So much going on here.  He now has a girlfriend that at least appears to be a woman with all her original equipment.  Just a quick personal note: my sophomore year of college I had some friends visiting so everyone ripped a ton of beers.  I ended up passing out on the couch in a friends room and woke up around 5 AM to a Cher video for "Love After Love" or "Life After Love," whatever that song was and it scared the sh!t out of me.  

11.  Chynna Phillips - That YouTube vido KC linked to?  Not a good look.  The following picture?  A very good look and I definitely didn't expect it.

12.  Elisabetta Canalis - She is definitely only on because she was George Clooney's dick puppet, but I guess when you have the likes of Chaz Bono, Nancy Grace, and Ricki Lake on, you need a little boner fodder.  Can she dance?  I have no idea, but I agree with KC, she'll get boner votes and stick around a few weeks.

-Big Ran

Dancin' Machines & Queens...

Well, the moment I had been anxiously awaiting finally arrived last night when ABC announced the roster for "Dancing With The Stars" 13th season. I am both excited, disgusted, and perplexed with the lineup. I'd like to take this opportunity to present the list & of course comment on it. Take a look at the article below from People.com and find my commentary at the bottom:

The new cast of Dancing with the Stars was plucked from the headlines of show business and sports.

Chaz Bono, David Arquette and Kristin Cavallari will join legal analyst Nancy Grace and soccer star Hope Solo in pursuit of the mirror ball trophy on Season 13, ABC announced Monday.

The 12-member lineup, revealed live during the Bachelor Pad telecast, also includes George Clooney's recent ex Elisabetta Canalis, NBA star Ron Artest, actress Ricki Lake, singer Chynna Phillips, reality star (and brother to Kim) Rob Kardashian, Queer Eye's Carson Kressley, and soap star and Iraqi war veteran J.R. Martinez.

"Doing this show is an opportunity for me to reach a larger more mainstream audience with just a simple message of being transgender is okay and not something to be scared of," Bono, the show's first transgender contestant, tells PEOPLE.

Grace says she thought she was dreaming when she got the call to participate on the show.

"I feel like Cinderella that got invited to the ball. I don’t know how to dance," she admits. "I don't know what I’m going to wear, but I know I have been invited!"

Arquette says that when he asked his 7-year-old daughter Coco what she thought of him doing Dancing with the Stars, "She said, 'Well, my initial thought is no.'"

Laughing, he added, "I talked to her recently after I decided to do it and she said, 'I'm all right with it.'"

The contestants, whose professional dancer pairings will be announced Wednesday on Good Morning America, will square off on the live Sept. 19 season premiere. 


Ok, so I have to preface this by saying that yes, I watch this show and I enjoy it (well, at least some of it). But, it's official, it now has NO business being called "Dancing With The Stars". Because the only legit 'stars' (and we're not even claiming they are "A-Listers") are few and far between. 

My first grouping contains the 'stars' (a stretch in many instances); people who are in the public eye because of talent, not because of reality television, gossip mags, and/or sex changes after riding the coattails of their parents. Let's examine this list, one by one:

1. David Arquette: Wow David, you better enjoy this, it might be the first and last time that you are considered the biggest star of any group you are a part of. Sadly, that's what we're dealing with here. He's a legit actor (I guess, even though I only know him as "Officer Dewey" from the life changing "Scream" movie series) and obviously his relevance is fading fast, so we'll let him slide with minimal punishment.  
Prediction: He'll be gone by week 5.
*I'm excited because I think it's going to be a disaster!

Nice 'stache!

2. J.R. Martinez: Ok, so he's a soap star & we all know that only the best of the best thespians acquire & retain roles on daytime television (can you feel the sarcasm?). Still, he's an actor, a 'star' if you will, and people know him. I would argue that he's a bigger star because he's also an Iraqi War Veteran, and he definitely gave of himself for our country, but that's neither here nor there right now. However, it will get him the sympathy vote. Every season has a contestant placed for the sympathy vote. Once it was Heather Mills and her wooden leg, then it was Marlee Matlin & her deafness, and of course there was Cloris Leachman, who garnered sympathy simply because she was a crazy, demented old cat lady. 
*I am happy with this selection

3. Ron Artest: He's legit....not a 'star' in the sense of acting (although some of his antics during his tenure in the public eye as an NBA star are certainly worthy of an award), but a well known athlete. He's got an NBA Championship Ring and is also the recipient of the NBA's "Citizenship Award" for 2010-2011, so I'm fine with him. He's one of the few reasons why I'll be excited to watch. Plus, you know that we're HUGE Artest fans here at "The Takeover".
Prediction: He will make it deep into the competition, but his NBA career will suffer once the lockout ends. Also,he might perform his hit single "Afghan Women" live at some point.
*I am excited by this selection 

4. Hope Solo: Okay, I know nothing about her as I know nothing about soccer, but she clearly does have a following and is a 'celebrity' in her own right. She arrived where she is due to talent. Question: Is she related to Hans Solo? If so, there's a bright future in store for her! Big Ran already spoke about her and I still cannot determine if she's hot or not!

5. Ricki Lake: Is NOT legit, but WAS legit many moons ago when she first came out as an actress--a real actress. This was before her real coming out party as host of "The Ricki Lake Show".  
Note: She WOULD be in the category below easy had it not been for the real acting gigs in the beginning. 


Go Ricki! Go Ricki!

....the buck stops there as far as 'Stars' are concerned. My next tier encompasses those people who aren't 'stars' because they are only on reality TV or variations thereof:

6. Rob Kardashian: I mean, his sisters at least have a clothing store they run, are models for different campaigns, and two are married to stars (Artest's teammate Lamar Odom is married to Khole while Kim recently married Kris Humphries---he plays in the NBA, it's okay if you don't know him, he looks like he could be an extra in "Planet of the Apes").  Rob doesn't have anything except his place on the family's "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Yes, he's good looking (and yes, I'm a cougar), and yes, I will definitely be checking him out, but he's not a 'star'. He would be acceptable if the title were "Dancing With The Reality TV Stars".....Now I'm wondering who Lamar will be routing for since he's married into the family, but boys with Ron Ron....
*I am perplexed but excited by this selection

7. Kristen Cavallari: Two words: dumb blonde. Another reality TV 'star'. Truthfully, I've got nothing to say about her because I'd like to meet her in an alley with a sock full of quarters. She's the trouble with America today. Dumb b*tches getting attention for being morally vacant. 
Note: this further thickens the Kardashian plot as Kristen was linked to Brody Jenner, Bruce Jenner's (aka Mr. Kardashian's) son at one point. As expected, that relationship went very well.
Prediction: She will be bounced early!
*I am disgusted by this selection and am looking forward to a season ending injury ASAP! 

Brody and Kristen sitting in a tree...

8. Nancy Grace: Two words for her: crazy ass. I'm sure we've all seen her being mocked in clips on "The Soup", because she is simply insane. She's made a career of browbeating everyone she interviews and I see no place for her in this competition. And, now that she has her own cable show, similar to "The People's Court", she has become an even bigger joke. Hence, her placement in this category. I wonder if she'll be wearing her 'vesty pantsuits' when she performs.  
Prediction: She will be the first to go & Joel McHale is going to have a field day with this on "The Soup"!
*I am excited about this selection only because of the prediction above! 
 

  
9. Carson Kressley: Just because he's on TV fixing fashion-challenged straight men, it doesn't mean he's a star. I, personally, have never seen this show. Most of my friends have never seen it either. I think Big Ran MIGHT watch it to get some fashion tips now and again while he's jamming to Nickelback, but I'm not sure. His show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is just half a step up from full blown reality television. If they were going to explore this avenue, Clinton Kelly from "What Not to Wear" would have been a FAR better choice. Note: They had to have the token gay guy on the show to help boost ratings. I have no problem with that, but how about a legit gay 'star'?
*Not a star, I am perplexed because many people have no clue who he is!

....that's it for the 'reality TV' star pool is concerned. However, you will find that these people glow in comparison to my next tier..."irrelevant has beens or coattail riders"

10. "Chaz" Bono- I'm sorry, I have put quotes around the "Chaz" because it is so frigin ridiculous to me. What a name! And, it's not like that was an unfortunate incident of parents who had bad taste (well, it was as the original name was Chastity), but he/she CHOSE this as his new name as he decided to become a man. Ok, so he's a coattail rider because the only reason why anyone knows anything about him (or her in his past live) is because he is the son of Cher & Sonny Bono. Otherwise, he'd just be another transgendered individual. If I were him, I would realize that they were using me to boost ratings and I wouldn't be okay with that. Mom has plenty of money to support him, so there's no need...but, sadly Chaz, they've "got you babe".... 
Question: Does anyone think he's living proof that you can, in fact, completely transition to the opposite sex without anyone ever questioning your gender? He looks like more of a dude than some men who were born with junk in the first place! 
Note: He will also get the sympathy vote as the show will play up his struggles as he decided to become a man. 
Prediction: Cher will be performing live as some point (or as 'live' as she can considering she is a breathing wax figure due to a love affair with cosmetic surgery). 
*I am disgusted but intrigued by this selection!

11.  Chynna Phillips: Two words: Has been. Wilson Philips called, they want their vest wearing, skinny mom jeans wearing lead singer back. Honestly, that group put out one 'relevant' (and I use that term loosely) album (most likely because of their family ties to The Mamas and The Papas) and then faded into bolivian (shout out to Mike Tyson), only to have two members resurface later on. One due to weight struggles. (Carny Wilson with her failed gastric bypass and stint on reality show "Celebrity Fit Camp")& Chynna with her involvement as sister Mackenzie Phillips revealed that their deceased father sexually abused her.  
Note: Chynna's husband, Steven Baldwin belongs on the show more than she does, and that's not saying much. 
Predictions: Wilson Phillips stages a glorious attempted comeback that will be an epic failure and they'll do it via a live performance within the first couple of weeks as she is being voted off #2. 
*I am perplexed by this selection as she appears to have the personality of a wet rag




12. Elisabetta Canalis: YAY! George Clooney's ex! Does she have an identity other than that you ask? Nope! At least not one that is worth mentioning. She's a model, but we'd be completely unaware of her had she not shacked up with G-Clo for a bit.  I don't have much to say about her other than she's only on there to fill the 'hot slot' (yup, I just made that up), and she will probably do so very successfully.  
Prediction: George Clooney will be in the audience at one point for sure AND regardless of how poorly she dances, due to her body and looks she will advance deep into the competition.Way to get male viewership up DWTS!! She's beautiful, can't deny that, but not a 'star'.
*Not a star, but I bet she'll be good to watch (if I was a man especially!)

-KC Jones

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

Coming off of this morning's "Stuck in My Head," I knew Biz Markie looked like some athlete, but I couldn't think of it.  I am not 100% sure there isn't someone else, making this a three-way look-a-like, so I can alwasy make an addition later on.  Without further ado...Biz Markie and perennial loudmouth linebacker, Joey Porter.

Biz Markie

Joey Porter

Again, not 100% on this one.  There has to be others (slamming fists on my desk)!

-Big Ran

Can We Still Add Nickelback?

Man, I would love to punch him in the face with fist full of rolled quarters

Kid Rock, Lady Antebellum and Maroon 5 to play before Packers’ opener vs. Saints

By Associated Press, Updated: Tuesday, August 30, 9:43 AM

GREEN BAY, Wis. — Kid Rock, Lady Antebellum and Maroon 5 will play the “NFL Kickoff 2011” concert outside Lambeau Field before the Green Bay Packers’ Sept. 8 opener against the New Orleans Saints.


The concert will take place on a stage adjacent to Lambeau Field, continuing the NFL’s recent tradition of big-name musical acts playing before the first game of the season. The Dave Matthews Band, Taylor Swift and Harry Connick Jr. performed in New Orleans last year.


The concert begins at 7:30 p.m. EDT, an hour before kickoff, and will be shown on NBC’s pregame show and on the NFL Network.

In all seriousness, is this the worst concert ever assembled?  You are going to start the NFL season with these "bands."  To complete this as my worst nightmare, you would somehow just have to include Nickelback and/or The Bare Naked Ladies.


A couple years ago, one of my buddies said he like Lady Antebellum.  I couldn't even make fun of him, I was just absolutely stunned.  He could have said he use to be use to (used to?) be a woman and I would have been much less surprised.  I don't think I spoke for five minutes.  I may have blacked out.


I think the tide has finally turned, but people, Maroon 5 sucks.  For a little while they did a good job of fooling people into thinking they were good musicians and a welcome addition to the current music scene, but for sure, they are not.




-Big Ran

Bachmann Turner...OH MY GOD!!!!!

What's up with conservatives trotting out these absolutely batsh!t insane MILFs on the campaign trail?  Add Michelle Bachman to the list of Presidential candidates that if they win, would have me singing "Oh Canada, my home and native land..."

Bachmann's camp is now saying it was all a joke.  Look at those people in the audience.  Now, look at the fat bro in the pink shirt behind Bachmann.  You think that's a joke to him?  That dude knows all about "morbid obesity diets."  He ain't laughing.

It's all good though, Michele's just taking care of business...(see what I'm doing there?)





Let me hear it...



-Big Ran

WE ARE FAM-IL-Y!!!!

FRAMINGHAM - As he was being booked on drunken driving charges by Framingham police last week, Onyango Obama was offered a chance to make a phone call to arrange for bail.

“I think,’’ he said, according to a police report, “I’d like to call the White House.’’

If he was hoping to reach his nephew, Barack Obama, he would have been out of luck; the president was vacationing with the first family on Martha’s Vineyard.

The elder Obama, who is the half-brother of the president’s late father, according to a spokesman for the law firm representing him, is in the custody of immigration officials, awaiting possible deportation to Kenya.

A White House spokesman referred all requests for comment yesterday to US Immigration and Customs Enforcement. The ICE press office, in an e-mail, said the agency does not comment on specific cases.

Onyango Obama, 67, who lives on Charles Street in Framingham, was stopped by police outside the Chicken Bone Saloon on Wednesday, shortly after 7 p.m.

According to the police report, Obama was driving on South Street, just in front of a police cruiser, when he made a sharp turn, causing the officer and another driver behind to jam on their brakes.

When the officer approached the vehicle, Obama, who “spoke English well, albeit with a moderate accent,’’ appeared to have slurred speech, according to the report by Officer Val J. Krishtal.

“The male would not allow me to speak and continued to interrupt me,’’ Krishtal wrote. “I explained to him that I narrowly avoided striking his vehicle, and he told me that he did not hear my tires screeching, so I was not being accurate.’’

Obama first told the officer he had not had anything to drink, then admitted to one beer, and then to two beers, according to the report, which described his eyes as “red and glassy.’’

When the officer attempted to administer a field sobriety test , Obama kept starting the test too early and talking over the officer’s instructions, the report said.

“Every time I got a sentence out, Obama would say, ‘You are correct,’ ’’ Krishtal wrote. “He also attempted to start the [one-legged stand] test approximately 7 times without being told to do so.’’ During another test known as the “nine-step walk and turn,’’ Obama “could barely keep himself from falling,’’ according to the report.

After failing three field sobriety tests, Obama was arrested on a drunken-driving charges and booked without incident, the police report said.

At the station, which is where Obama first hinted at his White House connection, he allegedly registered a 0.14 percent blood alcohol level on an alcohol breath test. The legal limit in Massachusetts is 0.08.

Framingham police Lieutenant Ronald Brandolini said the department did not investigate the presidential connection, despite the last name and the White House comment.

“We did not look into it,’’ Brandolini said.

Obama was arraigned Thursday on charges of driving under the influence of alcohol, failure to yield at an intersection, and negligent operation, according to Cara O’Brien, a spokeswoman for the Middlesex district attorney. She said a judge ordered him released on personal recognizance, but he was held on an immigration detainer.

Mike Rogers, a spokesman for immigration lawyer Margaret Wong, said Wong is representing Obama in the deportation proceedings.

We are family!  I've got all my drunk half uncles and me!

Every family has nut jobs, but why do Obama's always show up in Massachusetts?  Remember his aunt?


Plus, if a relative of yours IS IN FACT THE POTUS, you need to get in with him so just in case this type of situation pops up, you can drop his name.  I would be pissed if I was some dudes uncle, he was the President and dropping my connection to him couldn't get me out of trouble.

-Big Ran

This Will Haunt My Dreams

I go to boston.com and this thing is staring me straight in the face.  Thanks boston.com, I won't be able to get a damn thing done the rest of the day and I'll be peeking into rooms before I go in them to make sure there aren't any homicidal clowns with amazing flexibility and upper body strength, wearing the tightest body suits possible.

-Big Ran

Stuck in My Head

Ohhhh snap guess what I saw?  This video for the first time.  Epic from start to finish.  Also good timing because the first semester of the school year is just starting.

-Big Ran

Bonus: