Most of us have itchy fingers and immediately start flipping through the channels as soon there is a commercial break during a show we are watching. I, however, have been enjoying commercials more than regular television lately. Tonight reminded me of that and I wanted to call attention to my favorite advertisements over the past few years. Now, we all know that Big Ran's favorite is the mini-series for "Certain Dri", and while I agree that it is phenomenal because it really keeps you glued to your seat & wanting more, I have a few others that I am completely taken with or astounded by:
1. Dunkin' Donuts- "Alarm Clock Catastrophe"- Love it or Hate It (and I love it!) once this started airing, I couldn't get it out of my head for months. And I still have it in my head on a regular basis. Even if you hate it, it rings true. And it always leaves me craving a blueberry bagel & an iced tea!
P.S. Is that John Goodman on the voice over at the end?
2. Massengill- "Do You Douche?"- Right, this is a normal conversation most mothers and daughters have had, especially on the beach. Admittedly, this is not a 'recent' commercial, but it is timeless to me, and I feel fresh and clean just watching it. Douche is one of those products that doesn't need advertisements, but I am always anxiously awaiting new ones as they are so insane! Remember, the family that douches together, stays together.
3. Sour Patch Kids-"First They're Sour, Then They're Sweet"-This line of commercials (I have put links to several of them) are pure marketing genius as far as I'm concerned. The first time I ever saw one, I was so taken, I started asking everyone around me if they had ever seen them. Whoever came up with these deserves a promotion & raise STAT! I might be a simpleton, but few commercials have made me laugh this hard!
4. Skittles-"Singing Bunny"-I have NO idea what is going on with this commercial, it has NO point at all, but that's why I love it so much. It's obnoxious and addictive all at once. It has NOTHING to do with the candy, yet it makes you remember Skittles. How scary is the rabbit?
5. Orbit Gum-"Spin the Bottle"- Every single second of this commercial is hilarious. There are so many sexual innuendos and again, I wish I had half the creativity of the people who came up with this. How ridiculous is the cat? Even though I don't chew gum, I'll start buying this product in bulk to encourage more of these insane clips!
And finally, the commercial that prompted this post:
6. Herb Chambers-"We've Got What You Need"- I saw this for the first time tonight. Seemingly, it is completely random--we've got Red Sox player Kevin Youkilis at the piano with Herb Chambers covering Biz Markie (who is getting a LOT of press in "The Takeover" this week!) and then...well...look who shows up! However, it's not that random because apparently this song is Youk's walk up music. What a funny dude! Nothing like a manly athlete poking fun at themselves! Also, just a reminder, since we're talking about the Red Sox, I HATE Heidi Watney.
There are plenty of other awesome commercials as well, but I just wanted to throw a few out there to inspire all of our readers!
-KC Jones
*Big Ran Note: I just wanted to add this since there was already a Skittles ad:
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Great Time Killer
Two great things about the slideshow:
1. It's only female teachers, so it is totally socially acceptable. I mean, the teachers have to be tapped, but good for the young hustlers. Male teachers and young girls? That sh!t is gross.
2. KC Jones' favorite, Mary Kay Letourneau (now Letourneau-Fauulau!) is featured with current photos!
-Big Ran
KC Jones Comments: Yes, Big Ran & I have enjoyed discussing #2 many, many times...Tell me where I can find a minor like Villi Fauulau....And naturally, I must supply my favorite pic of all-time:
Headline of the Day
If he hadn't been naked, cops might not have found raccoon
NASCAR fans got an eyeful over the weekend in Bristol, Tenn., when they spotted a man streaking across a busy parking lot near the track.
Police said they arrested Joshua Greene, 27, from Parkersburg, W.Va., for streaking through the lot off Route 394 Saturday afternoon.
Police: Man arrested for streaking near NASCAR track had girlfriend, masked mammal in car
NASCAR fans got an eyeful over the weekend in Bristol, Tenn., when they spotted a man streaking across a busy parking lot near the track.
Police said they arrested Joshua Greene, 27, from Parkersburg, W.Va., for streaking through the lot off Route 394 Saturday afternoon.
"I'm walking up through here and here he comes, back up and stops in front of the band waving and spinning in circles and stuff," explained Tim Lee, a witness, to WCYB-TV.
Police gave chase and caught Greene in a nearby neighborhood.
The incident got even stranger when police officers found Greene's car. In it, officers said, they discovered Greene's girlfriend and a furry companion.
"With that we also found that he and a companion were in possession of a raccoon," said Bristol Police Capt. Matt Austin.
Police called in the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency to take the masked animal into custody.
"They said his girlfriend rescued it from a park, but as far as where it actually came from, we couldn't really say for sure," Austin said.
Greene is facing charges of public intoxication, indecent exposure and possible additional charges from the wildlife agency.
I would have initially bet on this taking place in Florida, but combining Tennessee and West Virginia also totally works. My question is, how does one rescue a raccoon? They "rescued him from a park." Was he being abused? Was he trapped in something? Raccoons are vicious, so they must have drugged it, right? Not to revert to stereotypes, but they are from West Virginia; don't you think they could have been planning to eat the raccoon? The naked dude was probably so pumped for coon stew that he had to celebrate with a little helicopter dick action in the parking lot. Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
-Big RanWTF Happened to Matthew Fox?
This is Matthew Fox's mugshot after being arrested in Cleveland for punching a female bus driver in the chest and stomach. I mean, as if that's not crazy enough, look at this f*cking picture! man, I thought when "Lost" ended I was bummed about the ending, but Matthew Fox must have just started boozing non stop and eating deep fried turkeys with Ricki Lake. I guess when you are on a tropical island for years and only eat some fruit and fish then go back to booze and processed foods you are bound to get a little bloated.
This was the before:
This happened in like a year and a half. Damn. I am guessing his next stop is either rehab to avoid jail time or the "Biggest Loser" to shed all the booze and turkey weight.
-Big Ran
KC's comments: That's a damn shame. From the female perspective, it's a huge loss---he was a good looking dude now he resembles the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, but not even remotely as cute as that character...what a shame
Stuck in My Head
PANAMA! PANAMAAH! PANAMA! PANAMAHAHAUHUHOH! PANAMA!
This is one of those songs that is always running through my head and anytime I hear any word that sounds remotely like Panama, I start singing this. Also, ever since I found out that I am actually going to Panama for work, it has been running on double time.
How much coke do you think Van Halen did in the 80s? They probably made Tony Mantana look like a pansi.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
DWTS Follow Up
I felt that I needed to make a separate post on my reaction to KC's DWTS blog today, because, well, that sh!t was a dissertation on the upcoming 2011 season. Honestly, she broke that down like a pre season analysis of the NBA Eastern Conference. She inspired me to do one as well, but rather than being well informed, I want to expose my ignorance as well as make fun of people. I am not going to do any research for this whatsoever; straight from the dome. Let's get started.
First of all, I have definitely seen DWTS before. I don't think I've ever seen an entire season, but as my wife will tell you, I can predict what each judge will score the dance as well as their comments with exact precision. BTW, huge fan of Carrie Ann Inaba, who at 41 is officially a cougar, right? I'll take it in the same order as KC.
1. David Arquette - Woof. ABC must be STRUGG-A-LING to get anyone with any star appeal. He brings absolutely nothing to the table. He's a crappy actor, has a cheesy stache, and I don't think he's married to Courtney Cox anymore. What's the point? I would say he would be one of the worst to start, but this is a shallow pool this year.
2. J.R. Martinez - never heard of him, but he's a soap opera star. Is this Kelly Ripa's husband? BTW, she's gross. I wonder if her husband is a closet pedophile, because she has the body of a 10 year old. Allegedly, he was in the military. He'll stick around because he's a vet and is probably dreamy. He's there for the ladies (and dudes who like dudes).
3. Ron Artest - say what you want, but he's the biggest name on this list. I may be biased because I am a sports fan and Ron is nuts. However, as nuts as he is, he's fairly charming. Ath;etes tend to do fairly well and I bet he sticks around for a while. He'll get into it. I also just heard that his request to change his name to Metta World Peace was temporarily denied because he has unpaid parking tickets. This should work out well.
4. Hope Solo - we've debated her looks on these pages, so this should be interesting. She was America's sweetheart for the five minutes Americans care about soccer during the world cup. I also heard that she has said she is not a good dancer. She'll last a few weeks AND be linked romantically to whoever she dances with.
5. Ricki Lake - I have no idea what she's been doing since her tv show; I would assume eating deep fried turkeys. Was she big (no pun intended) during the Monica Lewinski action? I feel like she had her and Linda Tripp on. Maybe she just reminds me of Monica Lewinski. I bet she makes a big push and contends in hopes of getting her career back and getting into shape.
6. Rob Kardashian - What was he, like the 7th choice in the family? Don't get a long term rental because you won't last long. Kick rocks bro.
7. Kristen Cavalleri - She was on that MTV pseudo reality show, don't remember the name. She use to be cute, but vapid. Now she's anorexic and vapid. Not a good combo. She has that look going where her head looks way too big for her emaciated body. She won't last long because she will be too self-conscious. She just broke up with Bears QB, Jay Cutler, who has to be one of the biggest douche cry babies in sports.
8. Nancy Grace - She has to be one of the worst people in the world, right? Like, at least the most nauseating. I am starting to think she somehow masterminds the murders of blonde women in Bermuda just so she can have a show and yell at me through the tv.
9. Carson Kressley - I remember him from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." He was by far the gayest guy on the show, which is saying something. My wife tells me he is now on a show called, "How to Look Good Naked." I say this in complete seriousness: I think it would be interesting that if they had a gay "star," and matched him up with a gay male dancer. I know Middle America would implode and Michele Bachmann would blame another natural disaster on it happening, but wouldn't there be more chemistry? I don't know. I'm just spit balling here.
10. Chaz Bono - I learned a lot on this one. OK, so HE use to be a SHE AND was the daughter of Sonny and Cher. Wow. So much going on here. He now has a girlfriend that at least appears to be a woman with all her original equipment. Just a quick personal note: my sophomore year of college I had some friends visiting so everyone ripped a ton of beers. I ended up passing out on the couch in a friends room and woke up around 5 AM to a Cher video for "Love After Love" or "Life After Love," whatever that song was and it scared the sh!t out of me.
11. Chynna Phillips - That YouTube vido KC linked to? Not a good look. The following picture? A very good look and I definitely didn't expect it.
12. Elisabetta Canalis - She is definitely only on because she was George Clooney's dick puppet, but I guess when you have the likes of Chaz Bono, Nancy Grace, and Ricki Lake on, you need a little boner fodder. Can she dance? I have no idea, but I agree with KC, she'll get boner votes and stick around a few weeks.
-Big Ran
Dancin' Machines & Queens...
Well, the moment I had been anxiously awaiting finally arrived last night when ABC announced the roster for "Dancing With The Stars" 13th season. I am both excited, disgusted, and perplexed with the lineup. I'd like to take this opportunity to present the list & of course comment on it. Take a look at the article below from People.com and find my commentary at the bottom:
The new cast of Dancing with the Stars was plucked from the headlines of show business and sports.
Chaz Bono, David Arquette and Kristin Cavallari will join legal analyst Nancy Grace and soccer star Hope Solo in pursuit of the mirror ball trophy on Season 13, ABC announced Monday.
The 12-member lineup, revealed live during the Bachelor Pad telecast, also includes George Clooney's recent ex Elisabetta Canalis, NBA star Ron Artest, actress Ricki Lake, singer Chynna Phillips, reality star (and brother to Kim) Rob Kardashian, Queer Eye's Carson Kressley, and soap star and Iraqi war veteran J.R. Martinez.
"Doing this show is an opportunity for me to reach a larger more mainstream audience with just a simple message of being transgender is okay and not something to be scared of," Bono, the show's first transgender contestant, tells PEOPLE.
Grace says she thought she was dreaming when she got the call to participate on the show.
"I feel like Cinderella that got invited to the ball. I don’t know how to dance," she admits. "I don't know what I’m going to wear, but I know I have been invited!"
Arquette says that when he asked his 7-year-old daughter Coco what she thought of him doing Dancing with the Stars, "She said, 'Well, my initial thought is no.'"
Laughing, he added, "I talked to her recently after I decided to do it and she said, 'I'm all right with it.'"
The contestants, whose professional dancer pairings will be announced Wednesday on Good Morning America, will square off on the live Sept. 19 season premiere.
Ok, so I have to preface this by saying that yes, I watch this show and I enjoy it (well, at least some of it). But, it's official, it now has NO business being called "Dancing With The Stars". Because the only legit 'stars' (and we're not even claiming they are "A-Listers") are few and far between.
My first grouping contains the 'stars' (a stretch in many instances); people who are in the public eye because of talent, not because of reality television, gossip mags, and/or sex changes after riding the coattails of their parents. Let's examine this list, one by one:
1. David Arquette: Wow David, you better enjoy this, it might be the first and last time that you are considered the biggest star of any group you are a part of. Sadly, that's what we're dealing with here. He's a legit actor (I guess, even though I only know him as "Officer Dewey" from the life changing "Scream" movie series) and obviously his relevance is fading fast, so we'll let him slide with minimal punishment.
Prediction: He'll be gone by week 5.
*I'm excited because I think it's going to be a disaster!
2. J.R. Martinez: Ok, so he's a soap star & we all know that only the best of the best thespians acquire & retain roles on daytime television (can you feel the sarcasm?). Still, he's an actor, a 'star' if you will, and people know him. I would argue that he's a bigger star because he's also an Iraqi War Veteran, and he definitely gave of himself for our country, but that's neither here nor there right now. However, it will get him the sympathy vote. Every season has a contestant placed for the sympathy vote. Once it was Heather Mills and her wooden leg, then it was Marlee Matlin & her deafness, and of course there was Cloris Leachman, who garnered sympathy simply because she was a crazy, demented old cat lady.
*I am happy with this selection
3. Ron Artest: He's legit....not a 'star' in the sense of acting (although some of his antics during his tenure in the public eye as an NBA star are certainly worthy of an award), but a well known athlete. He's got an NBA Championship Ring and is also the recipient of the NBA's "Citizenship Award" for 2010-2011, so I'm fine with him. He's one of the few reasons why I'll be excited to watch. Plus, you know that we're HUGE Artest fans here at "The Takeover".
Prediction: He will make it deep into the competition, but his NBA career will suffer once the lockout ends. Also,he might perform his hit single "Afghan Women" live at some point.
*I am excited by this selection
4. Hope Solo: Okay, I know nothing about her as I know nothing about soccer, but she clearly does have a following and is a 'celebrity' in her own right. She arrived where she is due to talent. Question: Is she related to Hans Solo? If so, there's a bright future in store for her! Big Ran already spoke about her and I still cannot determine if she's hot or not!
5. Ricki Lake: Is NOT legit, but WAS legit many moons ago when she first came out as an actress--a real actress. This was before her real coming out party as host of "The Ricki Lake Show".
Note: She WOULD be in the category below easy had it not been for the real acting gigs in the beginning.
Go Ricki! Go Ricki!
....the buck stops there as far as 'Stars' are concerned. My next tier encompasses those people who aren't 'stars' because they are only on reality TV or variations thereof:
6. Rob Kardashian: I mean, his sisters at least have a clothing store they run, are models for different campaigns, and two are married to stars (Artest's teammate Lamar Odom is married to Khole while Kim recently married Kris Humphries---he plays in the NBA, it's okay if you don't know him, he looks like he could be an extra in "Planet of the Apes"). Rob doesn't have anything except his place on the family's "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Yes, he's good looking (and yes, I'm a cougar), and yes, I will definitely be checking him out, but he's not a 'star'. He would be acceptable if the title were "Dancing With The Reality TV Stars".....Now I'm wondering who Lamar will be routing for since he's married into the family, but boys with Ron Ron....
*I am perplexed but excited by this selection
7. Kristen Cavallari: Two words: dumb blonde. Another reality TV 'star'. Truthfully, I've got nothing to say about her because I'd like to meet her in an alley with a sock full of quarters. She's the trouble with America today. Dumb b*tches getting attention for being morally vacant.
Note: this further thickens the Kardashian plot as Kristen was linked to Brody Jenner, Bruce Jenner's (aka Mr. Kardashian's) son at one point. As expected, that relationship went very well.
Prediction: She will be bounced early!
*I am disgusted by this selection and am looking forward to a season ending injury ASAP!
8. Nancy Grace: Two words for her: crazy ass. I'm sure we've all seen her being mocked in clips on "The Soup", because she is simply insane. She's made a career of browbeating everyone she interviews and I see no place for her in this competition. And, now that she has her own cable show, similar to "The People's Court", she has become an even bigger joke. Hence, her placement in this category. I wonder if she'll be wearing her 'vesty pantsuits' when she performs.
Prediction: She will be the first to go & Joel McHale is going to have a field day with this on "The Soup"!
*I am excited about this selection only because of the prediction above!
9. Carson Kressley: Just because he's on TV fixing fashion-challenged straight men, it doesn't mean he's a star. I, personally, have never seen this show. Most of my friends have never seen it either. I think Big Ran MIGHT watch it to get some fashion tips now and again while he's jamming to Nickelback, but I'm not sure. His show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is just half a step up from full blown reality television. If they were going to explore this avenue, Clinton Kelly from "What Not to Wear" would have been a FAR better choice. Note: They had to have the token gay guy on the show to help boost ratings. I have no problem with that, but how about a legit gay 'star'?
*Not a star, I am perplexed because many people have no clue who he is!
....that's it for the 'reality TV' star pool is concerned. However, you will find that these people glow in comparison to my next tier..."irrelevant has beens or coattail riders"
10. "Chaz" Bono- I'm sorry, I have put quotes around the "Chaz" because it is so frigin ridiculous to me. What a name! And, it's not like that was an unfortunate incident of parents who had bad taste (well, it was as the original name was Chastity), but he/she CHOSE this as his new name as he decided to become a man. Ok, so he's a coattail rider because the only reason why anyone knows anything about him (or her in his past live) is because he is the son of Cher & Sonny Bono. Otherwise, he'd just be another transgendered individual. If I were him, I would realize that they were using me to boost ratings and I wouldn't be okay with that. Mom has plenty of money to support him, so there's no need...but, sadly Chaz, they've "got you babe"....
Question: Does anyone think he's living proof that you can, in fact, completely transition to the opposite sex without anyone ever questioning your gender? He looks like more of a dude than some men who were born with junk in the first place!
Note: He will also get the sympathy vote as the show will play up his struggles as he decided to become a man.
Prediction: Cher will be performing live as some point (or as 'live' as she can considering she is a breathing wax figure due to a love affair with cosmetic surgery).
*I am disgusted but intrigued by this selection!
11. Chynna Phillips: Two words: Has been. Wilson Philips called, they want their vest wearing, skinny mom jeans wearing lead singer back. Honestly, that group put out one 'relevant' (and I use that term loosely) album (most likely because of their family ties to The Mamas and The Papas) and then faded into bolivian (shout out to Mike Tyson), only to have two members resurface later on. One due to weight struggles. (Carny Wilson with her failed gastric bypass and stint on reality show "Celebrity Fit Camp")& Chynna with her involvement as sister Mackenzie Phillips revealed that their deceased father sexually abused her.
Note: Chynna's husband, Steven Baldwin belongs on the show more than she does, and that's not saying much.
Predictions: Wilson Phillips stages a glorious attempted comeback that will be an epic failure and they'll do it via a live performance within the first couple of weeks as she is being voted off #2.
*I am perplexed by this selection as she appears to have the personality of a wet rag
12. Elisabetta Canalis: YAY! George Clooney's ex! Does she have an identity other than that you ask? Nope! At least not one that is worth mentioning. She's a model, but we'd be completely unaware of her had she not shacked up with G-Clo for a bit. I don't have much to say about her other than she's only on there to fill the 'hot slot' (yup, I just made that up), and she will probably do so very successfully.
Prediction: George Clooney will be in the audience at one point for sure AND regardless of how poorly she dances, due to her body and looks she will advance deep into the competition.Way to get male viewership up DWTS!! She's beautiful, can't deny that, but not a 'star'.
*Not a star, but I bet she'll be good to watch (if I was a man especially!)
-KC Jones
The new cast of Dancing with the Stars was plucked from the headlines of show business and sports.
Chaz Bono, David Arquette and Kristin Cavallari will join legal analyst Nancy Grace and soccer star Hope Solo in pursuit of the mirror ball trophy on Season 13, ABC announced Monday.
The 12-member lineup, revealed live during the Bachelor Pad telecast, also includes George Clooney's recent ex Elisabetta Canalis, NBA star Ron Artest, actress Ricki Lake, singer Chynna Phillips, reality star (and brother to Kim) Rob Kardashian, Queer Eye's Carson Kressley, and soap star and Iraqi war veteran J.R. Martinez.
"Doing this show is an opportunity for me to reach a larger more mainstream audience with just a simple message of being transgender is okay and not something to be scared of," Bono, the show's first transgender contestant, tells PEOPLE.
Grace says she thought she was dreaming when she got the call to participate on the show.
"I feel like Cinderella that got invited to the ball. I don’t know how to dance," she admits. "I don't know what I’m going to wear, but I know I have been invited!"
Arquette says that when he asked his 7-year-old daughter Coco what she thought of him doing Dancing with the Stars, "She said, 'Well, my initial thought is no.'"
Laughing, he added, "I talked to her recently after I decided to do it and she said, 'I'm all right with it.'"
The contestants, whose professional dancer pairings will be announced Wednesday on Good Morning America, will square off on the live Sept. 19 season premiere.
Ok, so I have to preface this by saying that yes, I watch this show and I enjoy it (well, at least some of it). But, it's official, it now has NO business being called "Dancing With The Stars". Because the only legit 'stars' (and we're not even claiming they are "A-Listers") are few and far between.
My first grouping contains the 'stars' (a stretch in many instances); people who are in the public eye because of talent, not because of reality television, gossip mags, and/or sex changes after riding the coattails of their parents. Let's examine this list, one by one:
1. David Arquette: Wow David, you better enjoy this, it might be the first and last time that you are considered the biggest star of any group you are a part of. Sadly, that's what we're dealing with here. He's a legit actor (I guess, even though I only know him as "Officer Dewey" from the life changing "Scream" movie series) and obviously his relevance is fading fast, so we'll let him slide with minimal punishment.
Prediction: He'll be gone by week 5.
*I'm excited because I think it's going to be a disaster!
 |
| Nice 'stache! |
2. J.R. Martinez: Ok, so he's a soap star & we all know that only the best of the best thespians acquire & retain roles on daytime television (can you feel the sarcasm?). Still, he's an actor, a 'star' if you will, and people know him. I would argue that he's a bigger star because he's also an Iraqi War Veteran, and he definitely gave of himself for our country, but that's neither here nor there right now. However, it will get him the sympathy vote. Every season has a contestant placed for the sympathy vote. Once it was Heather Mills and her wooden leg, then it was Marlee Matlin & her deafness, and of course there was Cloris Leachman, who garnered sympathy simply because she was a crazy, demented old cat lady.
*I am happy with this selection
3. Ron Artest: He's legit....not a 'star' in the sense of acting (although some of his antics during his tenure in the public eye as an NBA star are certainly worthy of an award), but a well known athlete. He's got an NBA Championship Ring and is also the recipient of the NBA's "Citizenship Award" for 2010-2011, so I'm fine with him. He's one of the few reasons why I'll be excited to watch. Plus, you know that we're HUGE Artest fans here at "The Takeover".
Prediction: He will make it deep into the competition, but his NBA career will suffer once the lockout ends. Also,he might perform his hit single "Afghan Women" live at some point.
*I am excited by this selection
4. Hope Solo: Okay, I know nothing about her as I know nothing about soccer, but she clearly does have a following and is a 'celebrity' in her own right. She arrived where she is due to talent. Question: Is she related to Hans Solo? If so, there's a bright future in store for her! Big Ran already spoke about her and I still cannot determine if she's hot or not!
5. Ricki Lake: Is NOT legit, but WAS legit many moons ago when she first came out as an actress--a real actress. This was before her real coming out party as host of "The Ricki Lake Show".
Note: She WOULD be in the category below easy had it not been for the real acting gigs in the beginning.
Go Ricki! Go Ricki!
....the buck stops there as far as 'Stars' are concerned. My next tier encompasses those people who aren't 'stars' because they are only on reality TV or variations thereof:
6. Rob Kardashian: I mean, his sisters at least have a clothing store they run, are models for different campaigns, and two are married to stars (Artest's teammate Lamar Odom is married to Khole while Kim recently married Kris Humphries---he plays in the NBA, it's okay if you don't know him, he looks like he could be an extra in "Planet of the Apes"). Rob doesn't have anything except his place on the family's "Keeping Up With The Kardashians". Yes, he's good looking (and yes, I'm a cougar), and yes, I will definitely be checking him out, but he's not a 'star'. He would be acceptable if the title were "Dancing With The Reality TV Stars".....Now I'm wondering who Lamar will be routing for since he's married into the family, but boys with Ron Ron....
*I am perplexed but excited by this selection
7. Kristen Cavallari: Two words: dumb blonde. Another reality TV 'star'. Truthfully, I've got nothing to say about her because I'd like to meet her in an alley with a sock full of quarters. She's the trouble with America today. Dumb b*tches getting attention for being morally vacant.
Note: this further thickens the Kardashian plot as Kristen was linked to Brody Jenner, Bruce Jenner's (aka Mr. Kardashian's) son at one point. As expected, that relationship went very well.
Prediction: She will be bounced early!
*I am disgusted by this selection and am looking forward to a season ending injury ASAP!
 |
| Brody and Kristen sitting in a tree... |
8. Nancy Grace: Two words for her: crazy ass. I'm sure we've all seen her being mocked in clips on "The Soup", because she is simply insane. She's made a career of browbeating everyone she interviews and I see no place for her in this competition. And, now that she has her own cable show, similar to "The People's Court", she has become an even bigger joke. Hence, her placement in this category. I wonder if she'll be wearing her 'vesty pantsuits' when she performs.
Prediction: She will be the first to go & Joel McHale is going to have a field day with this on "The Soup"!
*I am excited about this selection only because of the prediction above!
9. Carson Kressley: Just because he's on TV fixing fashion-challenged straight men, it doesn't mean he's a star. I, personally, have never seen this show. Most of my friends have never seen it either. I think Big Ran MIGHT watch it to get some fashion tips now and again while he's jamming to Nickelback, but I'm not sure. His show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is just half a step up from full blown reality television. If they were going to explore this avenue, Clinton Kelly from "What Not to Wear" would have been a FAR better choice. Note: They had to have the token gay guy on the show to help boost ratings. I have no problem with that, but how about a legit gay 'star'?
*Not a star, I am perplexed because many people have no clue who he is!
....that's it for the 'reality TV' star pool is concerned. However, you will find that these people glow in comparison to my next tier..."irrelevant has beens or coattail riders"
10. "Chaz" Bono- I'm sorry, I have put quotes around the "Chaz" because it is so frigin ridiculous to me. What a name! And, it's not like that was an unfortunate incident of parents who had bad taste (well, it was as the original name was Chastity), but he/she CHOSE this as his new name as he decided to become a man. Ok, so he's a coattail rider because the only reason why anyone knows anything about him (or her in his past live) is because he is the son of Cher & Sonny Bono. Otherwise, he'd just be another transgendered individual. If I were him, I would realize that they were using me to boost ratings and I wouldn't be okay with that. Mom has plenty of money to support him, so there's no need...but, sadly Chaz, they've "got you babe"....
Question: Does anyone think he's living proof that you can, in fact, completely transition to the opposite sex without anyone ever questioning your gender? He looks like more of a dude than some men who were born with junk in the first place!
Note: He will also get the sympathy vote as the show will play up his struggles as he decided to become a man.
Prediction: Cher will be performing live as some point (or as 'live' as she can considering she is a breathing wax figure due to a love affair with cosmetic surgery).
*I am disgusted but intrigued by this selection!
11. Chynna Phillips: Two words: Has been. Wilson Philips called, they want their vest wearing, skinny mom jeans wearing lead singer back. Honestly, that group put out one 'relevant' (and I use that term loosely) album (most likely because of their family ties to The Mamas and The Papas) and then faded into bolivian (shout out to Mike Tyson), only to have two members resurface later on. One due to weight struggles. (Carny Wilson with her failed gastric bypass and stint on reality show "Celebrity Fit Camp")& Chynna with her involvement as sister Mackenzie Phillips revealed that their deceased father sexually abused her.
Note: Chynna's husband, Steven Baldwin belongs on the show more than she does, and that's not saying much.
Predictions: Wilson Phillips stages a glorious attempted comeback that will be an epic failure and they'll do it via a live performance within the first couple of weeks as she is being voted off #2.
*I am perplexed by this selection as she appears to have the personality of a wet rag
12. Elisabetta Canalis: YAY! George Clooney's ex! Does she have an identity other than that you ask? Nope! At least not one that is worth mentioning. She's a model, but we'd be completely unaware of her had she not shacked up with G-Clo for a bit. I don't have much to say about her other than she's only on there to fill the 'hot slot' (yup, I just made that up), and she will probably do so very successfully.
Prediction: George Clooney will be in the audience at one point for sure AND regardless of how poorly she dances, due to her body and looks she will advance deep into the competition.Way to get male viewership up DWTS!! She's beautiful, can't deny that, but not a 'star'.
*Not a star, but I bet she'll be good to watch (if I was a man especially!)
-KC Jones
Lunchtime Look-a-Like
Coming off of this morning's "Stuck in My Head," I knew Biz Markie looked like some athlete, but I couldn't think of it. I am not 100% sure there isn't someone else, making this a three-way look-a-like, so I can alwasy make an addition later on. Without further ado...Biz Markie and perennial loudmouth linebacker, Joey Porter.
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| Biz Markie |
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| Joey Porter |
Again, not 100% on this one. There has to be others (slamming fists on my desk)!
-Big Ran
Can We Still Add Nickelback?
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| Man, I would love to punch him in the face with fist full of rolled quarters |
Kid Rock, Lady Antebellum and Maroon 5 to play before Packers’ opener vs. Saints
By Associated Press,
GREEN BAY, Wis. — Kid Rock, Lady Antebellum and Maroon 5 will play the “NFL Kickoff 2011” concert outside Lambeau Field before the Green Bay Packers’ Sept. 8 opener against the New Orleans Saints.The concert will take place on a stage adjacent to Lambeau Field, continuing the NFL’s recent tradition of big-name musical acts playing before the first game of the season. The Dave Matthews Band, Taylor Swift and Harry Connick Jr. performed in New Orleans last year.
The concert begins at 7:30 p.m. EDT, an hour before kickoff, and will be shown on NBC’s pregame show and on the NFL Network.
In all seriousness, is this the worst concert ever assembled? You are going to start the NFL season with these "bands." To complete this as my worst nightmare, you would somehow just have to include Nickelback and/or The Bare Naked Ladies.
A couple years ago, one of my buddies said he like Lady Antebellum. I couldn't even make fun of him, I was just absolutely stunned. He could have said he use to be use to (used to?) be a woman and I would have been much less surprised. I don't think I spoke for five minutes. I may have blacked out.
I think the tide has finally turned, but people, Maroon 5 sucks. For a little while they did a good job of fooling people into thinking they were good musicians and a welcome addition to the current music scene, but for sure, they are not.
-Big Ran
Bachmann Turner...OH MY GOD!!!!!
What's up with conservatives trotting out these absolutely batsh!t insane MILFs on the campaign trail? Add Michelle Bachman to the list of Presidential candidates that if they win, would have me singing "Oh Canada, my home and native land..."
Bachmann's camp is now saying it was all a joke. Look at those people in the audience. Now, look at the fat bro in the pink shirt behind Bachmann. You think that's a joke to him? That dude knows all about "morbid obesity diets." He ain't laughing.
It's all good though, Michele's just taking care of business...(see what I'm doing there?)
Let me hear it...
-Big Ran
WE ARE FAM-IL-Y!!!!
FRAMINGHAM - As he was being booked on drunken driving charges by Framingham police last week, Onyango Obama was offered a chance to make a phone call to arrange for bail.
“I think,’’ he said, according to a police report, “I’d like to call the White House.’’If he was hoping to reach his nephew, Barack Obama, he would have been out of luck; the president was vacationing with the first family on Martha’s Vineyard.
The elder Obama, who is the half-brother of the president’s late father, according to a spokesman for the law firm representing him, is in the custody of immigration officials, awaiting possible deportation to Kenya.
A White House spokesman referred all requests for comment yesterday to US Immigration and Customs Enforcement. The ICE press office, in an e-mail, said the agency does not comment on specific cases.
Onyango Obama, 67, who lives on Charles Street in Framingham, was stopped by police outside the Chicken Bone Saloon on Wednesday, shortly after 7 p.m.
According to the police report, Obama was driving on South Street, just in front of a police cruiser, when he made a sharp turn, causing the officer and another driver behind to jam on their brakes.
When the officer approached the vehicle, Obama, who “spoke English well, albeit with a moderate accent,’’ appeared to have slurred speech, according to the report by Officer Val J. Krishtal.
“The male would not allow me to speak and continued to interrupt me,’’ Krishtal wrote. “I explained to him that I narrowly avoided striking his vehicle, and he told me that he did not hear my tires screeching, so I was not being accurate.’’
Obama first told the officer he had not had anything to drink, then admitted to one beer, and then to two beers, according to the report, which described his eyes as “red and glassy.’’
When the officer attempted to administer a field sobriety test , Obama kept starting the test too early and talking over the officer’s instructions, the report said.
“Every time I got a sentence out, Obama would say, ‘You are correct,’ ’’ Krishtal wrote. “He also attempted to start the [one-legged stand] test approximately 7 times without being told to do so.’’ During another test known as the “nine-step walk and turn,’’ Obama “could barely keep himself from falling,’’ according to the report.
After failing three field sobriety tests, Obama was arrested on a drunken-driving charges and booked without incident, the police report said.
At the station, which is where Obama first hinted at his White House connection, he allegedly registered a 0.14 percent blood alcohol level on an alcohol breath test. The legal limit in Massachusetts is 0.08.
Framingham police Lieutenant Ronald Brandolini said the department did not investigate the presidential connection, despite the last name and the White House comment.
“We did not look into it,’’ Brandolini said.
Obama was arraigned Thursday on charges of driving under the influence of alcohol, failure to yield at an intersection, and negligent operation, according to Cara O’Brien, a spokeswoman for the Middlesex district attorney. She said a judge ordered him released on personal recognizance, but he was held on an immigration detainer.
Mike Rogers, a spokesman for immigration lawyer Margaret Wong, said Wong is representing Obama in the deportation proceedings.
We are family! I've got all my drunk half uncles and me!
Plus, if a relative of yours IS IN FACT THE POTUS, you need to get in with him so just in case this type of situation pops up, you can drop his name. I would be pissed if I was some dudes uncle, he was the President and dropping my connection to him couldn't get me out of trouble.
-Big Ran
This Will Haunt My Dreams
I go to boston.com and this thing is staring me straight in the face. Thanks boston.com, I won't be able to get a damn thing done the rest of the day and I'll be peeking into rooms before I go in them to make sure there aren't any homicidal clowns with amazing flexibility and upper body strength, wearing the tightest body suits possible.
-Big Ran
Stuck in My Head
Ohhhh snap guess what I saw? This video for the first time. Epic from start to finish. Also good timing because the first semester of the school year is just starting.
-Big Ran
Bonus:
Friday, August 26, 2011
Happy Weekend B!tches!
mashed potatoes
-Big Ran
PS: That Mashed Potatoes clip is one of my all time favorites and was obviously sampled by the Beastie Boys. I was at a party once, a little drunk, walked into the kitchen and blurted that out. There was stunned silence for a minute then people lost it. The life and times of Big Ran.
I Hope This Doesn't End like Biggie - Tupac
Erik Estrada says George Lopez 'is doomed'
'The law of God — the law of Karma, is on him right now,' says actor, who has beef with ex talk hostErik Estrada has no sympathy for George Lopez over the cancellation of his show.
"His show was supposed to be canceled after the first season, but Conan [O'Brien] wanted to keep it on," Estrada told Latina in an interview about competing on the Univision dance show "Mira Quien Baila!"
He added: "There's a lot of things people don't know about this guy ... For me to talk about this guy — I'm wasting my time. The law of God — the law of Karma, is on him right now. He is doomed."
Whoa. The two have feuded for years, Latina reports, with Lopez often taking shots at Estrada's career in his stand-up act and Estrada saying he once confronted Lopez at a church carnival. The former "CHiPs" star said Lopez was afraid to fight him.
TBS canceled Lopez's show, "Lopez Tonight," earlier this month.
First off, how tit was CHIPS? As a little kid, that show was awesome. I had a CHIPS plastic motor cycle helmet and everything. I was a f*cking BOSS with that thing on. Just patrolling the yard, keeping everything on the up and up.
With that said, is this the lamest feud ever? A washed up 80s TV star and an un-funny comic. However, the tidbit about Estrada challenging Lopez to a fight at a CHURCH CARNIVAL is great. Is this the D-Level star version of Break Dance Fighting?-Big Ran
Say It Isn't So!
Derek Jeter & Minka Kelly Split
Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly have called it quits after three years together,JustJared.com can confirm.
“The split was amicable,” sources exclusively tell JJ of the 37-year-old Yankees superstar and 31-year-old actress. “But they remain friends. They still really care for each other.”
Last month, HBO premiered Deter Jeter 3K, a documentary that chroniclesDerek’s journey of becoming the second player to reach 3,000 hits as a shortstop (the first was Honus Wagner).
Minka is busy in Miami shooting the ABC reboot of the classic show Charlie’s Angels, which is being produced by Drew Barrymore and Leonard Goldberg. Charlie’s Angels, which co-starsRachael Taylor and Annie Ilonzeh, premieres Thursday, September 22, at 8/7c.
First Will and Jada, now Derek and Minka?! When will it end? Maybe it is the end of days. If Will Smith and Derek Jeter really are single now, you better hide yo kids and hide yo wife. Well, maybe just yo wife.
-Big Ran
Stuck in My Head
We have a bonus today because I woke up at 3:00 AM with this stuck in my head:
Yup. Not the Nas version, but the original. Would you please watch that video? Out-f*cking-standing. Non stop cameos. That is right up there with "Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy in terms of pure 80s awesomeness. How much coke do you think Kurtis Blow did?
Then, when I woke up around 6 AM, this ditty was kicking around in my dome:
This is unfortunate because it is like a parasite eating it's way through my brain and because Comcast sucks. F.I.O.S. Fios, bitches.
-Big Ran
Yup. Not the Nas version, but the original. Would you please watch that video? Out-f*cking-standing. Non stop cameos. That is right up there with "Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy in terms of pure 80s awesomeness. How much coke do you think Kurtis Blow did?
Then, when I woke up around 6 AM, this ditty was kicking around in my dome:
This is unfortunate because it is like a parasite eating it's way through my brain and because Comcast sucks. F.I.O.S. Fios, bitches.
-Big Ran
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Birds: Part II
Nope, it's a not a remake of the classic Hitchcock horror movie, but it's a new sort of nightmare involving birds---pigeons specifically. I'd like to share this clip with you that I saw on Fox News Boston last night. I am disgusted, amused, and astounded all at the same time. I'm sure once you take a look, you'll understand why:
Couple of things:
1. You know it's going to be interesting and awesome whenever someone chooses to be their own attorney in court. This guy just further proves that theory. Listen to him at the beginning of the clip yelling in the court room.
2. I was unaware that you needed certain 'permits' to have pigeons. How did I not know this, you ask? Because I'm not INSANE and would NEVER even want ONE pigeon on my property let alone hundreds in coops as my pets!!
3. What are the odds that this man is going to end up being held for psychological evaluation? He's raising hundreds of pigeons as pets, he's claiming that he brought them up to a location in New Hampshire that is THREE HOURS away and released them only to have them return two months later with "friends" apparently.... The one minute mark is the highlight of this clip: "And I warned them, if I released them they were going to come back with more birds because they've been here for 10 years".....Listen, pigeons are rats with wings and I highly doubt they have the intelligence to do what he is claiming that they did.
4. In a day and age when there are so many terribly sad, depressing, and enraging stories on the news, it's nice to see that there are some people keepin' it real and standing up for what they believe in. Who cares if what they stand for is breeding pigeons? As Mr. Alexanderian explains, the city has a history of making up its own rules, so he's not going to stand for it.
I've got you dude, sometimes you've just gotta fight for your fight.....to paaaaa-rtayyyy (with pigeons)...
P.S. Something tells me that Mr. Alexanderian and a certain Mr. Mike Tyson will be joining forces very soon....
-KC Jones
Couple of things:
Couple of things:
1. You know it's going to be interesting and awesome whenever someone chooses to be their own attorney in court. This guy just further proves that theory. Listen to him at the beginning of the clip yelling in the court room.
2. I was unaware that you needed certain 'permits' to have pigeons. How did I not know this, you ask? Because I'm not INSANE and would NEVER even want ONE pigeon on my property let alone hundreds in coops as my pets!!
3. What are the odds that this man is going to end up being held for psychological evaluation? He's raising hundreds of pigeons as pets, he's claiming that he brought them up to a location in New Hampshire that is THREE HOURS away and released them only to have them return two months later with "friends" apparently.... The one minute mark is the highlight of this clip: "And I warned them, if I released them they were going to come back with more birds because they've been here for 10 years".....Listen, pigeons are rats with wings and I highly doubt they have the intelligence to do what he is claiming that they did.
4. In a day and age when there are so many terribly sad, depressing, and enraging stories on the news, it's nice to see that there are some people keepin' it real and standing up for what they believe in. Who cares if what they stand for is breeding pigeons? As Mr. Alexanderian explains, the city has a history of making up its own rules, so he's not going to stand for it.
I've got you dude, sometimes you've just gotta fight for your fight.....to paaaaa-rtayyyy (with pigeons)...
P.S. Something tells me that Mr. Alexanderian and a certain Mr. Mike Tyson will be joining forces very soon....
-KC Jones
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Irate Irene's Hip Hop Hitlist...
In honor of Hurricane Irene's pending arrival this weekend, I'd like to present the playlist I will be jamming to while I build my ark and while I'm stocking up on water, batteries, and non-perishable items.
1. Bob Dylan: "Hurricane"- there is no better song to kick off this playlist.
2. Jars of Clay: "Flood"- pretty self-explanatory, right?
3. Seals & Crofts: "Summer Breeze"- okay, so it's a little more than just a summer 'breeze', but you get the point. If you need this song, please refer to today's
"Stuck in my Head" post.
4. Milli Vanilli: "Blame it on the Rain"- I will be lip syncing to this selection (get it?)
5. Notorious B.I.G: "Warning": just want to make sure everyone stays safe.
6. Bob Dylan: "Blowin' in the Wind": this is one of his more coherent songs and is quite appropriate for what we'll be experiencing. Good job Dylan, you've made the same "Takeover" playlist twice!
7. Mobb Deep & Lil' Kim: "Quiet Storm": It may or may not be a quiet storm, depending on its track. Regardless, this is a song that belongs on the list.
8. Fabolous: "Lights Out": There's always a decent chance of losing power during these types of storms, so make sure your boombox has a fresh set of batteries so you'll be able to listen to this playlist.
9. Peter Gabriel: "Here Comes the Flood":
10. Nat King Cole: "Goodnight, Irene": I figured this would be the perfect way to close out the playlist.
-KC Jones
*Big Ran Note: Bravo! Bravo! I will say, seeing two Bob Dylan songs on here was a surprise. In high school a Jimi Henrdix song cam on the radio and KC asked me if it was a new song. Fact.
1. Bob Dylan: "Hurricane"- there is no better song to kick off this playlist.
2. Jars of Clay: "Flood"- pretty self-explanatory, right?
3. Seals & Crofts: "Summer Breeze"- okay, so it's a little more than just a summer 'breeze', but you get the point. If you need this song, please refer to today's
"Stuck in my Head" post.
4. Milli Vanilli: "Blame it on the Rain"- I will be lip syncing to this selection (get it?)
5. Notorious B.I.G: "Warning": just want to make sure everyone stays safe.
6. Bob Dylan: "Blowin' in the Wind": this is one of his more coherent songs and is quite appropriate for what we'll be experiencing. Good job Dylan, you've made the same "Takeover" playlist twice!
7. Mobb Deep & Lil' Kim: "Quiet Storm": It may or may not be a quiet storm, depending on its track. Regardless, this is a song that belongs on the list.
8. Fabolous: "Lights Out": There's always a decent chance of losing power during these types of storms, so make sure your boombox has a fresh set of batteries so you'll be able to listen to this playlist.
9. Peter Gabriel: "Here Comes the Flood":
10. Nat King Cole: "Goodnight, Irene": I figured this would be the perfect way to close out the playlist.
-KC Jones
*Big Ran Note: Bravo! Bravo! I will say, seeing two Bob Dylan songs on here was a surprise. In high school a Jimi Henrdix song cam on the radio and KC asked me if it was a new song. Fact.
Bitch Set Me Up!
Earthquake Catches D.C. Mayor Off Guard
WASHINGTON (AP) - District of Columbia Mayor Vincent Gray says he was in the car when an earthquake that hit Virginia was felt in the nation's capital.
Gray had planned to spend much of the day at the new Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial on the National Mall, greeting visitors and advocating for the district to gain full voting rights in Congress.
He had left the memorial for a meeting when he felt the car shake. He says he asked, "What the heck's wrong with this car?"
After the earthquake stopped, the car started moving again, and Gray says he saw people evacuating buildings. He didn't know it was an earthquake until he turned on the news.
He scrapped plans to return to the memorial and huddled with emergency officials and senior staff.
If Marion Barry was still the mayor, you know what he would have said about the earth quake? "Bitch set me up!" Then smoked crack right in the report's grill.
-Big Ran
KC Jones' Comment: Imagine a city where both Marion Barry AND Buddy Cianci were in charge? If that ever happens, you know where I'll be living!!
Amateur Sketches....
Is it just me or are there a plethora of terribly vague sketches done of possible suspects when a crime is committed? Sometimes, you'll see a very good one---very detailed, clear, and professional looking with certain details that distinguish that person from others in the general public. And then, more often, you see something like this:
Really? This isn't really helping me at all. This could be anyone and I just tend to think that it's not going to result in the capture of the suspect. They say he's a white male in his 20's between 5'7" and 5'8"...that really narrows it down for me. But this sketch seems to suggest that maybe he's Asian as his eyes are more almond shaped than other races. Are we sure he has those bags under his eyes? And how do we know about the earrings? Were those just added as a fun detail or was this dude really wearing them? And, in reading the article and hearing about it on the news, it seemed to have happened very quickly, so I'm not sure the victim in this case would have really noticed the earrings (or lack thereof)....I don't know, I'm just saying....this picture doesn't really help me anymore than this picture would:
-KC Jones
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| Amateur Sketch of the Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama |
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