Dancing With the Mutha F*ckin' Stars

Originally inspired by KC's DWTS primer then even further motivated because what I wrote was so friggin' awesome, here is my instant reaction to the season 14 cast (alphabetically).  Just like last time, no research, just straight from the dome...

1.  Gavin DeGraw, Musician - all I know about him is his infectious jam "I Don't Want to Be" that was the theme song for One Tree Hill.  Yes, I watched that show for like 5 seasons with my wife.  Don't judge me.  Actually, go ahead and judge me, I deserve it.  He must have a sesne of rhythm, but can he shake it?  My guess will be middle of the pack.

2.  Donald Driver, Wide Receiver, Green Bay Packers - I had him on my fantasy football team for like three years in a row.  Always a solid receiver, older vet, he is dieseled, and always seemed like a really good dude in interviews.  Can he move?  I say yes...In the mix to take home that ugly-ass trophy.



3.  Roshon Fegan, Disney Star - Holy Sh!t...We are all dumber for having watched the following video.



4.  Melissa GIlbert, Actress - OK, I know I said no research, but you HAVE to read this from her Wikipedia page:

Nip slip?  Daddy like.

At 17, she reconnected with then little-known actor Rob Lowe, also 17. They had met briefly when they were about 14. In 1981, Melissa, in her convertible, saw Lowe stopped next to her at a red light. Gilbert dated Lowe on-and-off for six years. During this time, both had affairs with other famous people. Melissa dated Tom Cruise, John Cusack, Scott Baio, and Billy Idol. After Lowe's failed romance with Princess Stéphanie, he suddenly proposed to Gilbert. While making wedding plans, Gilbert found out she was pregnant. Upon being informed of the pregnancy, Lowe ended their relationship. Gilbert miscarried days later.

Heart-broken, Gilbert left for New York City to star in the play A Shayna Maidel. Gilbert was set up with actor Bo Brinkman, a cousin of actors Randy Quaid and Dennis Quaid. The couple married on February 22, 1988, only seven weeks after she ended her relationship with Rob Lowe. Gilbert became pregnant months later. US Magazine featured a very pregnant Gilbert wrapped in a sheer sheet and named her one of "America's Ten Most Beautiful Women" in 1988. On May 1, 1989, she gave birth to Dakota Paul Brinkman. After Dakota's birth, the couple began to have marital problems and divorced in 1992.

Only weeks after Gilbert's divorce filing, Bruce Boxleitner's ex-wife (Kathryn Holcomb) set Bruce up with Gilbert. Holcomb by then was married to actor Ian Ogilvy. Gilbert had met Boxleitner as a teenager when they both were on Battle of the Network Stars when Gilbert introduced herself, as she had a pin-up of him in her locker. But Boxleitner ignored her, as she was a teen and he was many years older than she was. After re-connecting, the couple started dating on-and-off for over a year. They were engaged twice and Boxleitner broke up with her each time. After re-uniting for a third time, they finally married on January 1, 1995 in her mother's living room. Gilbert quickly became pregnant, but went into premature labor more than two months before her due date. She gave birth to a son, Michael Garrett Boxleitner, named in honor of Michael Landon, on October 6, 1995. His middle name is in honor of Garret Peckinpah, her friend Sandy Peckinpah's son, who had died suddenly of meningitis at age 16.

Gilbert is also stepmother to Boxleitner's two sons with Holcomb, Sam (b. 1980) and Lee (b. 1985).

She has battled alcoholism and drug abuse, which she wrote about in her 2009 autobiography.

On July 22, 2010, Gilbert underwent surgery to replace a disc as well as fuse a vertebra in her lower spine. The surgery was described as a complete success. While playing the role of Caroline "Ma" Ingalls in the touring musical Little House on the Prairie, a visit to the doctor revealed that she had been working with a broken back for months.

On March 1, 2011, Gilbert announced that she and Boxleitner had separated. On August 22, 2011, Gilbert filed for divorce from Boxleitner.

If someone made that up, they are a genius and I need them to write me a Lifetime movie ASAP.  Awesome.  She's also an iron-clad guarantee to bang her dance partner, right?

5.  Katherine Jenkins, Opera Singer - I had to look this up because I had no idea who she was.  Well, she's an opera singer from Wales.  That's what Welsh opera singers look like?  Huh.  See you guys later.

6.  Gladys Knight, Singer/Musical Legend - she has to be the biggest all time star on this list.  I'm guessing she'll stick around a couple of weeks, but, she may a bit long in the tooth to really get down.

7.  William Levy, Actor on Univision or something - This one's for the ladies (or dudes who like dudes).

8.  Maria Menounos, Entertainment TV Host - also could have put attention-seeking, fraudulent Boston sports fan.  She really irritates the hell out of me for some reason, but hey, she looks good.  Dude, her and the female host of DWTS are probably going to HATE each other because they basically do the same exact thing.

9.  Martina Navratilova, Tennis Hall of Famer - again, she may be someone a bit old to really get down and challenge for the trophy, but she was one of the best tennis players in history, so she may have something up her sleeve.

10.  Sherri Shepherd, The View - Check out these before and afters:

Is that really the same person?  I don't know what's real anymore.  Leap Day is totally f*cking with me.

11.  Jack Wagner, Actor - This guy is in soap operas.  Oh, and he also did this...

12.  Jaleel White, Actor (?) - we all know him as Urkle and this dude is my dark horse pick to win it all.  Peep his moves:



-Big Ran

I'll Take Teenage Exorcisms for $300, Alex

Daily Mail - Most teenagers are proud to go into the family business, be it working the store that's been around for generations or taking over a law practise.

But Rev Bob Larson's teenage girls have gone into a more peculiar trade - expelling demons from those possessed. 

The reverend, who himself has claimed to have exorcised more than 15,000 demons, says he passed down his knowledge to his three teenage daughters and showed them the extraordinary process of liaising with demonic influences and ridding them from a human body.

Reverend Bob Larson of Freedom Churches International told Anderson Cooper on his talk show Anderson that he’s brought his daughters into the family trade.

Brynne got involved in exorcism at age 13. ‘I got up on stage in front of 3,000 people and cast a demon out in Africa. I knew what was going on,’ she said on an episode of Anderson set to air tomorrow.

‘(My father) really walked me through and helped me with it,’ she says.

Tess, 17, says her first exorcism was on a friend of hers. She said that one of the tell-tale signs is eyes that dilate ‘You can see evil.’

Cooper questions what a typical exorcism would cost. ‘Our teams charge absolutely nothing,’ Rev Larson tells him. ‘The teen girls don’t charge.’

However, when pressed by Cooper how much the reverend himself charges, Rev Larson wouldn’t give a straight response, saying it was contingent on several factors, including amount of travel involved and the difficulty of the exorcism.

‘You charge about $400 to $500 per exorcism,’ Cooper states. 

‘It could be as much as that,’ Rev Larson said. 

He also charges $10 for a quiz that supposedly reveals whether or not its taker is possessed, and has published more than 30 books.

The self-proclaimed occult expert made an appearance on Sci-Fi’s The Real Exorcist and has a lucrative business of selling his books, DVDs, and the Cross of Deliverance – which is used in all of their exorcisms to cast out demons.

Cooper seems sceptical throughout the entire interview, complimenting Rev Larson on his daughter’s seemingly groomed answers.

‘Something about this, I just don’t buy. It’s my job to be sceptical. You three seem coached and you don’t seem like you’re talking like real people.’

In a recent interview with Fabulous magazine, Savannah said: 'I think Harry Potter and the Twilight films are instigators of evil.'

She says she doesn't have time for such things because 'I'm much too busy fighting the devil.'

OK, color me skeptical, but I don't think we have a lot of true "exorcisms" going on, unless the definition for "exorcism" is teenage prostitution ring.  AMIRIGHT?!?!?!?!?!

Can't you picture Cletus from down the street, calling up the good Reverend from his trailer, saying, "Oh, hey, Reverend.  Listen, I think I have a demon in my pants again.  Do you think you could send your daughters over to release it for me?"

Notice how the daughters don't charge for the "exorcism?" That's brilliant.  The pimp Reverend just goes and picks up the money later.  That is such a great move.  It's like when you go to buy crack, right?  You drive up, tell one guy what you want, give him the money, then he directs you where to pick it up.  No connection between the money and the product.

Get a load of these broads.  I mean, they speak so naturally that everything must be on the up and up.



Also, how about the good Reverend racking up 15,000 demons expelled?  He is literally the Wilt Chamberlain of exorcisms.  I also love the TV friendly price of $9.95 for the Demonic Posession Online Test, simply to cover administrative feels.  You know what?  There are administrative fees for running this blog, so if everyone could send me $9.95, that would be great.



Dude, where's the Asian chick come from?  Is that for dudes who have Yellow Fever AND a demonic possession?



I've got a demon in my pants and EVERYONE'S INVITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A TEENAGE DEMONIC POSSESSION PARTY, CAUSE A TEENAGE DEMONIC POSSESSION PARTY DON'T STOP!!!!!!!!

-Big Ran

One more...

Cletus:  Remember ladies, nobody get's paid unless the demon finishes and is "expelled" from my body, if you know what I mean.

PS:  In a recent interview with Fabulous magazine, Savannah said: 'I think Harry Potter and the Twilight films are instigators of evil.'


She says she doesn't have time for such things because 'I'm much too busy fighting the devil.'


Do you think I could have used this excuse to not have to see all the Harry Potter and Twilight movies?  "Sorry honey, I can't go to the movies, Twilight is an instigator of evil and on top of that I am just too busy fighting the devil."

Best Leap Day Video You Will See All Day

"Two days in a row, bitches, so I can have my birthday twice if you bitches can have an extra day in February."

Look, I can't argue with her.  Shouldn't we add Leap Day to like New Year's or sometime in the summer when the weather is tit?

If I was a millionaire and didn't have to work, I would make YouTube videos like this ALL. THE. TIME.  Just swearing my ass of and posting it on the interwebs.

-Big Ran

h/t Philly Barstool

If Anyone Wants to Fake Cancer for Profit, Go To Virginia (Then Proceeed to Hell)

Woman who faked cancer fined $100

A 42-year-old Virginia woman was fined $100 and given five years of probation for faking cancer to raise money for herself.

FREDERICKSBURG, Va., Feb. 28 (UPI) -- A 42-year-old Virginia woman was fined $100 and given five years of probation for faking cancer to raise money for herself.

Martha Ann Nicholas of Mechanicsville pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor charges of obtaining money by false pretenses, the Richmond Times-Dispatch reported.

Nicholas also was given a suspended sentence of a year in jail on each charge and ordered by Fredericksburg General District Judge John R. Stevens not to take part in any charitable causes.

Stevens accepted the plea recommended by prosecutors.

Defense attorney Sam Simpson had said earlier Nicholas had paid restitution of $1,700, the amount she collected. She had claimed at rallies she was a cancer victim.

She had been suffering from a psychosomatic condition that led her to believe she had a cancer-like illness, Simpson said.

Look, I'm no judge, jury, or executioner, but doesn't a $100 fine seem a bit light for pretending to have cancer and throwing a fundraiser for personal profit?  There's not much of a fear factor in that to dissuade people from trying that again in hopes of getting away with it.  If they want to keep the $100 fine, they should add that the person not only pays restitution to those who gave them money, but the perpetrator should have to match that amount in a donation to a local cancer charity or research fund.  Then, cancer patients get to stone them.


You know what Samuel L. Jackson would say?

-Big Ran

Happy Leap Day, Bitches!

May all your Leap Day Wishes come true!

-Big Ran