Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I'll Take Teenage Exorcisms for $300, Alex

Daily Mail - Most teenagers are proud to go into the family business, be it working the store that's been around for generations or taking over a law practise.

But Rev Bob Larson's teenage girls have gone into a more peculiar trade - expelling demons from those possessed. 

The reverend, who himself has claimed to have exorcised more than 15,000 demons, says he passed down his knowledge to his three teenage daughters and showed them the extraordinary process of liaising with demonic influences and ridding them from a human body.

Reverend Bob Larson of Freedom Churches International told Anderson Cooper on his talk show Anderson that he’s brought his daughters into the family trade.

Brynne got involved in exorcism at age 13. ‘I got up on stage in front of 3,000 people and cast a demon out in Africa. I knew what was going on,’ she said on an episode of Anderson set to air tomorrow.

‘(My father) really walked me through and helped me with it,’ she says.

Tess, 17, says her first exorcism was on a friend of hers. She said that one of the tell-tale signs is eyes that dilate ‘You can see evil.’

Cooper questions what a typical exorcism would cost. ‘Our teams charge absolutely nothing,’ Rev Larson tells him. ‘The teen girls don’t charge.’

However, when pressed by Cooper how much the reverend himself charges, Rev Larson wouldn’t give a straight response, saying it was contingent on several factors, including amount of travel involved and the difficulty of the exorcism.

‘You charge about $400 to $500 per exorcism,’ Cooper states. 

‘It could be as much as that,’ Rev Larson said. 

He also charges $10 for a quiz that supposedly reveals whether or not its taker is possessed, and has published more than 30 books.

The self-proclaimed occult expert made an appearance on Sci-Fi’s The Real Exorcist and has a lucrative business of selling his books, DVDs, and the Cross of Deliverance – which is used in all of their exorcisms to cast out demons.

Cooper seems sceptical throughout the entire interview, complimenting Rev Larson on his daughter’s seemingly groomed answers.

‘Something about this, I just don’t buy. It’s my job to be sceptical. You three seem coached and you don’t seem like you’re talking like real people.’

In a recent interview with Fabulous magazine, Savannah said: 'I think Harry Potter and the Twilight films are instigators of evil.'

She says she doesn't have time for such things because 'I'm much too busy fighting the devil.'

OK, color me skeptical, but I don't think we have a lot of true "exorcisms" going on, unless the definition for "exorcism" is teenage prostitution ring.  AMIRIGHT?!?!?!?!?!

Can't you picture Cletus from down the street, calling up the good Reverend from his trailer, saying, "Oh, hey, Reverend.  Listen, I think I have a demon in my pants again.  Do you think you could send your daughters over to release it for me?"

Notice how the daughters don't charge for the "exorcism?" That's brilliant.  The pimp Reverend just goes and picks up the money later.  That is such a great move.  It's like when you go to buy crack, right?  You drive up, tell one guy what you want, give him the money, then he directs you where to pick it up.  No connection between the money and the product.

Get a load of these broads.  I mean, they speak so naturally that everything must be on the up and up.

Also, how about the good Reverend racking up 15,000 demons expelled?  He is literally the Wilt Chamberlain of exorcisms.  I also love the TV friendly price of $9.95 for the Demonic Posession Online Test, simply to cover administrative feels.  You know what?  There are administrative fees for running this blog, so if everyone could send me $9.95, that would be great.

Dude, where's the Asian chick come from?  Is that for dudes who have Yellow Fever AND a demonic possession?

I've got a demon in my pants and EVERYONE'S INVITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


-Big Ran

One more...

Cletus:  Remember ladies, nobody get's paid unless the demon finishes and is "expelled" from my body, if you know what I mean.

PS:  In a recent interview with Fabulous magazine, Savannah said: 'I think Harry Potter and the Twilight films are instigators of evil.'

She says she doesn't have time for such things because 'I'm much too busy fighting the devil.'

Do you think I could have used this excuse to not have to see all the Harry Potter and Twilight movies?  "Sorry honey, I can't go to the movies, Twilight is an instigator of evil and on top of that I am just too busy fighting the devil."

1 comment:

  1. I wonder if after the show, they held Anderson Cooper down and tried to caste the “gay demon” out of him. Unfortunately I think they’d rather do exorcisms on weak-minded teenage girls and poor uneducated Africans. (And yes….if you were not aware, Anderson Cooper is gay)