The Takeover: Dancing With the Mutha F*ckin' Stars

Originally inspired by KC's DWTS primer then even further motivated because what I wrote was so friggin' awesome, here is my instant reaction to the season 14 cast (alphabetically). Just like last time, no research, just straight from the dome...

1. Gavin DeGraw, Musician - all I know about him is his infectious jam "I Don't Want to Be" that was the theme song for One Tree Hill. Yes, I watched that show for like 5 seasons with my wife. Don't judge me. Actually, go ahead and judge me, I deserve it. He must have a sesne of rhythm, but can he shake it? My guess will be middle of the pack.

2. Donald Driver, Wide Receiver, Green Bay Packers - I had him on my fantasy football team for like three years in a row. Always a solid receiver, older vet, he is dieseled, and always seemed like a really good dude in interviews. Can he move? I say yes...In the mix to take home that ugly-ass trophy.

3. Roshon Fegan, Disney Star - Holy Sh!t...We are all dumber for having watched the following video.

4. Melissa GIlbert, Actress - OK, I know I said no research, but you HAVE to read this from her Wikipedia page:

Nip slip? Daddy like.

At 17, she reconnected with then little-known actor Rob Lowe, also 17. They had met briefly when they were about 14. In 1981, Melissa, in her convertible, saw Lowe stopped next to her at a red light. Gilbert dated Lowe on-and-off for six years. During this time, both had affairs with other famous people. Melissa dated Tom Cruise, John Cusack, Scott Baio, and Billy Idol. After Lowe's failed romance with Princess Stéphanie, he suddenly proposed to Gilbert. While making wedding plans, Gilbert found out she was pregnant. Upon being informed of the pregnancy, Lowe ended their relationship. Gilbert miscarried days later.

Heart-broken, Gilbert left for New York City to star in the play A Shayna Maidel. Gilbert was set up with actor Bo Brinkman, a cousin of actors Randy Quaid and Dennis Quaid. The couple married on February 22, 1988, only seven weeks after she ended her relationship with Rob Lowe. Gilbert became pregnant months later. US Magazine featured a very pregnant Gilbert wrapped in a sheer sheet and named her one of "America's Ten Most Beautiful Women" in 1988. On May 1, 1989, she gave birth to Dakota Paul Brinkman. After Dakota's birth, the couple began to have marital problems and divorced in 1992.

Only weeks after Gilbert's divorce filing, Bruce Boxleitner's ex-wife (Kathryn Holcomb) set Bruce up with Gilbert. Holcomb by then was married to actor Ian Ogilvy. Gilbert had met Boxleitner as a teenager when they both were on Battle of the Network Stars when Gilbert introduced herself, as she had a pin-up of him in her locker. But Boxleitner ignored her, as she was a teen and he was many years older than she was. After re-connecting, the couple started dating on-and-off for over a year. They were engaged twice and Boxleitner broke up with her each time. After re-uniting for a third time, they finally married on January 1, 1995 in her mother's living room. Gilbert quickly became pregnant, but went into premature labor more than two months before her due date. She gave birth to a son, Michael Garrett Boxleitner, named in honor of Michael Landon, on October 6, 1995. His middle name is in honor of Garret Peckinpah, her friend Sandy Peckinpah's son, who had died suddenly of meningitis at age 16.

Gilbert is also stepmother to Boxleitner's two sons with Holcomb, Sam (b. 1980) and Lee (b. 1985).

She has battled alcoholism and drug abuse, which she wrote about in her 2009 autobiography.

On July 22, 2010, Gilbert underwent surgery to replace a disc as well as fuse a vertebra in her lower spine. The surgery was described as a complete success. While playing the role of Caroline "Ma" Ingalls in the touring musical Little House on the Prairie, a visit to the doctor revealed that she had been working with a broken back for months.

On March 1, 2011, Gilbert announced that she and Boxleitner had separated. On August 22, 2011, Gilbert filed for divorce from Boxleitner.

If someone made that up, they are a genius and I need them to write me a Lifetime movie ASAP. Awesome. She's also an iron-clad guarantee to bang her dance partner, right?

5. Katherine Jenkins, Opera Singer - I had to look this up because I had no idea who she was. Well, she's an opera singer from Wales. That's what Welsh opera singers look like? Huh. See you guys later.

6. Gladys Knight, Singer/Musical Legend - she has to be the biggest all time star on this list. I'm guessing she'll stick around a couple of weeks, but, she may a bit long in the tooth to really get down.

7. William Levy, Actor on Univision or something - This one's for the ladies (or dudes who like dudes).

8. Maria Menounos, Entertainment TV Host - also could have put attention-seeking, fraudulent Boston sports fan. She really irritates the hell out of me for some reason, but hey, she looks good. Dude, her and the female host of DWTS are probably going to HATE each other because they basically do the same exact thing.

9. Martina Navratilova, Tennis Hall of Famer - again, she may be someone a bit old to really get down and challenge for the trophy, but she was one of the best tennis players in history, so she may have something up her sleeve.