Indecent Exposure

I've been meaning to blog about this since I heard about it last week, but unfortunately, my job actually got in the way of my weekday blogging time. The nerve!

Anyway, not sure if anyone else has heard about this, but apparently Dennis Rodman, aka "The Worm", aka, The Most Disgusting Human Being in the Universe (I'm trademarking that as my own) has moved on from "Celebrity Rehab" with Dr. Drew back to basketball. No, don't call it a comeback (shout out to LL Cool J), he's not returning to the NBA courts, but he's apparently attempting to form a topless basketball team which he will coach. And yes, for women. And yes again, you read that correctly.

Don't believe me? Here you go, courtesy of CBS Sports.com:

Dennis Rodman is bouncing back into basketball — this time as a coach for a topless women’s team he’s launching for Headquarters Gentlemen’s Club, the New York mammary mecca. The NBA bad boy dreamed up the team after hearing that rival strip joint Rick’s Cabaret had launched a league with former Atlanta Hawk Spud Webb, who runs the Texas Legends, an NBA Development League team. Rodman is even challenging Rick’s Cabaret’s topless team to a charity game.

An ugly man, an even uglier woman.

“I don’t know too many men that don’t like a good-looking woman running up and down around the court,” Rodman told Page Six.

After finding out about this, I had a couple of questions/comments:

1. Is anyone else surprised by this? Right, I didn't think so.

2. Honestly, what would inspire a woman to participate in something like this? I mean, obviously it already exists as there's competition for it as stated in the article. I think Big Ran once referred to females with daddy issues in an earlier post...I guess that's the same thing here.

3. Sports bras exist out of necessity. Physically speaking, I'm guessing the two types of women who will be involved in this league will be those who are busted, fake, porn star types and those who are just busted and saggy. The former, having been surgically enhanced, will not need the sports bra as much as the latter. This is a National Geographic photo shoot just waiting to happen. I'm also predicting black eyes frequently occurring. I am speaking for most women when I say that I wouldn't be caught dead in public without a bra on, so the LAST thing I'd be doing is running around topless. Gravity is not kind as we all know.

4. Did anyone else notice Spud Webb's name mentioned in this article? Wow. All I can say about that is wow. He always seemed a little skeevy to me, but this is more than I would have taken him for.

5. If the women are very well endowed on top, what if one of the 'girls' is mistaken for a basketball?

6. Remember when he was married to Madonna? Awesome.

7. Given his affinity for cross dressing, what's the over/under on him becoming a player/coach in this league?

Brutal...but sadly, looking better than Madonna.

While I am beyond thrilled that the NBA Lockout is a thing of the past, this news makes me very nervous.

Team Name Suggestion:

1. The Rod's Ballers
2. Big Breasted Ballers
3. The Money Shots

And, finally, I think I just figured out who inspired Danzig's song, "Mother":



-KC Jones

Know When To Say When...

...and no, I am not referring to the Budweiser Beer commercials of the l980's....I am actually referring to something that happens each year, but desperately needs to be stopped. What's that, you ask? Simple; it's "Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve Special" each New Year's Eve.

He truly looked this 'bright' on TV this year.

I'd like to state, for the record, that I do not find it comical that he's in the condition that he's in since his stroke. I find it horribly sad actually. However, I also find it horribly awkward and disturbing that, given the condition he's in, he's on national television each New Year's Eve, slurring his words and lacking some of his fine motor skills. Honestly, I've heard rumors that he insists on continuing the broadcast annually, but I tend to wonder who is encouraging this resolve on his part.

He's so orange! Shame on the makeup artist!

   I think it's awesome that he fought so hard to survive and recover...it's inspirational. I also think it's totally cool for him to still want to work and participate in something he has run for about 40 years now. However, when I watch him struggling behind the desk, unable to speak in a way that a broadcaster should be able to, I have concerns. Also, I feel like he's being exploited by the networks and by whoever allowed him on this year, looking as orange as an Oompa Loompa with his spray/fake tan. That's actually my biggest concern; him being exploited. Honestly, hasn't the guy been through enough? I mean, they give him about 5-10 minutes of air time now, and it feels like about 5-10 hours, that's how excruciatingly uncomfortable it is. Add to that the fact that 90% of the people watching this are trashed and making fun of the situation, and I just think it's tragic. I respect Dick Clark, I just think things need to be re-evaluated at this juncture.

"The world is mine Dick, you just live in it!"

Ryan Seacrest's hostile takeover of the universe is happening, whether we like it or not, and he's now infiltrated the "Rockin' Eve"....why not just wave the white flag and surrender, Dick? Nothing to be ashamed of, it was a great run, you're a legend, and you deserve a happy retirement. Make an appearance each year, but go out in a blaze of glory...because it's been going downhill for the last few years anyway, and I'm SURE Ry Guy has had a lot to do with that, (I mean, Justin Bieber looking like an ugly woman, Jenny McCarthy looking skanky w/ bad extensions, Carlos Santana acting weird, Ke$ha, etc---suddenly I'm hoping to not have to live through another year!) Let that 'no talent ass clown' take over (shout out to "Office Space" and Michael Bolton)....let that be YOUR resolution for 2013....you deserve it!

-KC Jones

Big Ran's Two Cents:  Man, this is a TOUGH one.  My wife has a job that puts her in touch with a lot of people who have had brain injuries or strokes that affect a lot of what they do on a daily basis, so this topic has obviously come up the last couple of New Year's Eves.  Her opinion was that with someone who has had a stroke, such as Dick Clark, all the person wants is to be treated normally.  I can totally understand that.  You know how frustrating it is when you are trying to describe something, but you are having a hard time coming up with the right words?  Imagine your brain totally working, but not being able to clearly speak or get your ideas across the way you could before?  That must absolutely drive someone nuts.  Then, whenever you go out, you can tell people are treating you differently when that's the last thing you want.  So, I think there are two issues here:

1.  Clark probably looks forward to doing these count downs as much as he can because that gives him a sense of normalcy.

2.  At what point does the network say it's enough and go to Seacrest exclusively?

I don't know how to solve this one because frankly, the network may be doing a very nice thing here, in letting him continue, because I doubt it is helping their ratings (especially with "Fox's Racist New Year's Eve" running against it - that's what I called it all night because I hate country music and the Fox network is clearly run by right wing lunatics).  Will they phase Clark out more and more each year?  Will they let him do just certain parts or have a special New Year's message?  Who knows.  I do know the dude has a bigger pair than I do, because I would never keep on trucking like that.

April Fools?

I know this is a true story, that Mariah Carey is asking for prayers for her husband, Nick Cannon, as he recovers from kidney failure, but dear God, how can anyone take this picture seriously??

1. Why is she in the bed with him? That's just awkward. He doesn't look too happy about it either.
2. Is he pregnant with twins? Oh wait, that's just the pillow on top of him so he can make room for Mariah.
3. Why is he wearing a winter hat? Is there any real need/reason for it?
4. Is he took weak to drink on his own? Why is she holding the cup for him?

There are so many thoughts going thru my mind right now. Maybe he faked the illness just to get a mini vacation at the hospital....I can only imagine how exhausting it is to raise twins....and Mariah on top of it all!.

And, my favorite quote of all, from MC herelf, : "We're trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. ... I'm not trying to make light out of the situation because it's a serious moment that's very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers."

Festive? Who is trying to be festive when they are in the hospital? Should I be suprised though? I mean, this is the woman who starred in the smash hit "Glitter".....oh, you've never heard of it? Well, good for you, because that's a couple of hours of my life I can't get back now.



-KC Jones

Big Ran Obligatory Chappelle Video Reference:



If you ever want to piss your wife, girlfriend, or really any female off, try to mix in how attractive Mariah Carey is. Guaranteed to drive them insane.

I'm Converting ASAP!

Imagine Bark Mitzvah parties?!  Those would be so awesome.  You would never get sick of going to one of those!  Get me some Kosher dog food and a Rabbi on the double!

-Big Ran

PS:  Would you count neutering as a Briss?

Casey Anthony Up to Her Old Tricks

By old tricks, I mean murder.  This time she may be literally boring people to death with her "video diary."

What the f*ck is up with her adopting a dog?  How did that even happen?  By adopt does she mean steal?  Don't you have to apply to adopt a dog?  I mean, my wife and I tried to adopt a dog and they shot us down because we didn't have a fence around our entire house.  It wasn't because we "allegedly" murdered or covered up the death of a child.

Dude, this chick is so tapped I can't even take it.  To all those people who say that she's "so hot," she's a 6 AT BEST and that's if she didn't murder anyone and wasn't clearly insane.

I guess we can just hope she adopted the modern day equivalent of Cujo.



-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

I think this jam was in a tv show or movie I saw last week, but I'm not sure. Anyway, it's a jam that will ease you into the work day.

-Big Ran

So, This Happened...

I saw a few people post on the facebook that Snoop was on "The Price Is Right" last week, but I hadn't seen the clip until now.  Can't we just replace Drew Carey with Snoop?  Drew is super creepy right now.  Skinny Drew just isn't right.  Plus, you know he was and still is amazingly intimidated by Bob Barker and having to follow him on the show.  I mean, we all heard the stories of Bob Barker putting the wood to all those Price Is Right models, and God bless him for it.  One Viagra and a cloud of dust for my man, Bob.

Other than the birdseed, these products were right up Snoops alley.  You see how confident he was with the ranch dressing, paper towels, Boboli, and crackers?  If you went to Snoop's house right now, I guarantee that he has all of those products in his kitchen.  I can also absolutely guarantee that Snoop loves making Boboli pizzas when he is high as a mutha f*cka.

Someone needs to start an online petition to replace Drew Carey with Snoop ASAP.

-Big Ran

PS:  How about that bird seed with, like, extra fiber and antioxidants and sh*t?  How about that?

PPS:  Sorry mid westerners, you guys are fat as f*ck.

Irrational Rant...F*cking Brita

Not this Britta

I'm not talking about intercoursing Britta from "Community."  I'm talking about those God Damned water filtering pitchers.

This is what I'm talking about

Our town can't get their sh*t together regarding tap water and send out quarterly notices about some cancer-causing chemical that they can't get below acceptable levels, so we have to filter all water used for drinking or cooking.  The water filter in our fridge spits out water at about an once a minute, so that isn't so helpful.  of course I bought a house water filter like two years ago, but do you think I've installed that thing yet?  Of course not, I'm that lazy.

So, this fall, rather than buying like six gallons of bottled water a week, my wife bought a Brita Pitcher to filter the tap water and keep in the fridge.  This way, we can go a bit greener and save some money.  Well, guess what?  Britas have been around for what, like 15 years (I just looked online and Clorox bought North American rights to Brita Filters in 1988)?  All I remember is how these were the hotness when I went to college.  Every dorm room had like three of them that were either bone dry and empty, or over-filled to the point where the filter was floating somewhere in the top compartment (everyone knows what I'm talking about).  We instituted the "Brita Rule" in our freshman year room.  If you poured water and what was left over fell below the Brita logo on the pitcher, you had to fill it.

Sorry for the tangent, but I hadn't had a Brita since college and they still have all the same frustrating problems.  Clorox has been working on these things for 24 years and they still can't get it right?  Are you kidding me?

The top NEVER fits on correctly, so when you try to pour it it will fall off, spilling water everywhere.  Also, what the f*ck is up with the carbon bits that always float around?  In the instructions they always say this is normal for the first couple pitchers.  Why should this be normal?  We have hybrid cars, we have arthroscopic surgery.  Why can't they keep their God Damned carbon bits inside their God Damned filters?

This lady looks like this cigar/water filter is working out pretty well.  Brita, hook it up with some filter straws sans carbon bits.  Granted, she's probably immune to dysentery and typhoid at this point, but that is neither here nor there.  Or it may be, I just like saying "neither here nor there."  How often do you get to use the word "nor?"  Not often enough for my liking. 

Anyway, I guess my point is that after 23 or 24 years, Britas shouldn't be as frustrating as they are.  Plus, I kind of just want to be able to chill, wear a do-rag, and drink water out of a dirty river.

-Big Ran 

Stuck In My Head - Post Holidays Edition

Wow.  You know why this is stuck in my head?  Because that friggin' Time Life Music of the Decades, or something like that, came on during the middle of the day yesterday on ESPN 6.

Anyway, take a look at this video and tell me there wasn't an LSD-fueled orgy with everyone in attendance.  You can't say there wasn't because there definitely was.  Chicks, dudes, whatever.  I just get the feeling it was all good after this jam session.

The description of this video and the subsequent comments are winners on this video as well.

The description:

cat stevens '71
Cat Stevens the performer is what this video is about. The deal with Islam and such has nothing to do with this. No religious beliefs are perfect, you must use your own mind and creativity. Religion is a guidance not a law in which to punish and hate. Rock on my brothers and sistas from around the world...


Comments:

• I am a Jew

  He Is a Muslim

  And HE is the best singer I know

  iGamezOnline 3 weeks ago 70 
• Grrrr, I wish I was as cool as this man some day :(

  ssssBOOMcraft 2 weeks ago 7 

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head...

This is one of my favorite songs of the mid/late 90's and always reminds me of high school. I still love it and it's been stuck in my head for about a day now. It's so frigin catchy and the white overalls in the video guarantee a good laugh every time I watch it.


Couple of things:

1. The Penny Hardaway puppet playing the piano? Innovative and awesome...and further strengthening the NBA/Hip-Hop connection. I wonder if he really knows how to play the piano....I'm betting not.

2. How could they (and we) ever have thought the overalls were stylish? Especially white ones....

3. I'm going to start bringing "No Diggity" back into my vocab, hardcore....that's actually one of my New Year Resolutions....no doubt.... (get it?)


-KC Jones