Office Etiquette

If you work in a big building, chances are you utilize elevators on a daily basis. With this activity comes a slew of outrageous behavior. My friends and I discuss this issue quite frequently, so I've decided to put together a list of proper elevator etiquette. Enjoy!

Nobody likes elevators.

The Takeover's Guide to Elevator Etiquette:

• When the doors slide open, let those who have reached their destination OFF FIRST BEFORE YOU ATTEMPT TO ENTER. This is the great commandment of Elevator Etiquette. Seriously, why do people try to get on as people are trying to exit? First off, it's rude, secondly it's awkward, and in addition, it just creates unnecessary stress for everyone. People with manners and common sense already know this, so the fact that I have to put it in print is disheartening. Every day I see this rule broken at least once.
• Do not run towards the elevator, yelling 'wait', throw your arm and/or leg in between the doors, or make any other attempts to stall it as it is closing. Are you THAT important? Will the 10 second difference it makes in timing really cause your company to come grinding to a screeching halt? If you truly believe it will and you insist upon doing this, I hope your arm gets severed between the closing doors. (Bright side: If both are severed, you qualify for use of speaker phone). Just a reminder, there are usually several elevators, so one another one will be available momentarily. And, if there's only one where you work, it too will be back, no worries. 
• Do not cram yourself into an elevator that has already reached maximum capacity. People do not want your hair in their eyes, your behind rubbing up against their stomach, or a dry humping from you. Remember what I stated above, elevators schedules are cyclical, if you miss your first one, another will be along momentarily. Keep in mind that if the elevator ever gets stuck when it is packed tighter than a sardine tin, you'll be in trouble. 

Too Crowded- Wait for the next one!

• Do not use the elevator if you only need to go down ONE FLIGHT of stairs. First off, you're walking down, not up, so how lazy are you? Secondly, if you are THAT LAZY you probably need the exercise, so use this post as motivation. This rule is particularly important at peak times of elevator use. For example, at 5pm. Most normal human beings want to run from their buildings like they are on fire come 5 pm. So, the last thing someone from the 6th floor needs after stopping on floors 5, 4, and 3 is an additional stop on 2 with you standing there, waiting to greet them. Suddenly 5pm is 5:15 and everyone except our friend from floor 2 is aggravated. Another thing to consider; taking the stairs for short distances is actually quicker, so if you're very important and busy as Big Ran and I are, this might be a better option.
• When you enter the elevator, do not look at someone who is already on there or who has entered right before you and 'tell' them to press the button for whatever floor you need. I say 'tell' instead of 'ask' because this ALWAYS happens. Dude, who the hell are you? First off, as long as you have fingers, you need to press your own button. The only exceptions are if your hands are full or if it's crowded and you can't get to the panel. But in those cases, let's think really hard back to kindergarten and remember the magic word......yup, that's it! "Please"....could you "please" press 4. Ahhh, sounds so much nicer than '4'. 
• Get off the phone. The 'ride' is only a minute or two at most, and there's nothing critical happening that can't wait until you get to your office or cube. The people I see conducting phone calls on the elevator are usually very important, if only in their own minds. And the irony is, they look at you like you are bothering them and making it difficult for them to conduct their business if you're having a conversation with someone else who is actually physically present. The other situation that can arise is the person who will talk on their phone and stare at you, seemingly upset that you are 'listening to them'. I swear, I had it happen once. Just the two of us in there, and I was getting the hairy eyeball from this broad. She began speaking in code, honest to God. Um, lady, it's not my fault that we're trapped riding this thing together. So, a good rule is to keep your cell phone in your pocket unless the elevator gets stuck. And if that happens, call for help STAT!

Public Transportation: Another place where you should refrain from cell phone use.

 P.S. Another thing I forgot to mention (but only because i didn't realize it was a problem until just now), is please do not try to model in your underwear while on an elevator. Thanks!

 -K.C. Jones

Big Ran Note:  Ladies, if you don't know what's going on in an elevator, you do now:

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