Office Etiquette/I Hate People...Revolving Doors

This will be a quick post as it's very specific and about one issue; revolving doors. It's also unique in that it is a hybrid post; it will address office etiquette as well my hatred for people. It wasn't a planned post, just something that came to mind after I was almost mortally wounded while using one as I entered my POE this morning. Just a couple of guidelines (as I've seen some pretty random things happening with them in my time here):

If these kids can get the hang of it, why can't adults?

1. One person at a time (Part One): Do not attempt to go into the same section of the door as another person unless you are conjoined twins. If you are conjoined twins, you probably shouldn't have to work in this sort of environment anyway. And if you do, please make sure you are in sync in regards to your walking pace.

2. One person at a time (Part Two): Do not 'cut' in front of someone to get in the door first. It revolves, you will have your turn momentarily, and if you are that excited about it, remember, you can walk around and around in it all day long just like a hamster in a wheel. And if you're THAT excited about getting into your POE, I think you should probably seek psychiatric care ASAP.

3. Keep the Pace: This is the issue that prompted my post. I hopped into the revolving door this morning and was pushing it as necessary to get into the building. The Brawny Man hopped in in back of me and pushed the door so damn hard I went flying forward and almost tripped. No joke. I turned around and looked at him like I was a wild jungle animal about to maul his face off. He then proceeded to basically dry hump me the whole way down the hall and onto the elevators. He had no concept of personal space and clearly couldn't read social cues as I shot eye daggers his way.

The revolving door is a very simple concept as far as I'm concerned and if you follow the rules above, there should never be an issue in using it safely and without offending others.

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette....Email Extravaganza...

Most of us rely heavily upon email in our day to day lives, especially in the workplace. After I got a particularly hilarious email today from someone who I have never even met at my P.O.E, it became clear to me that I need to post about proper email etiquette. So, here we go:

1. Overly Affectionate Interactions: If you've never met the person (or even if you have, seeing as though we are in a work environment), let's not compose emails utilizing the following format:

From: Cool Coworker
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 8:59 AM
To: KC Jones
Subject: RE: P6 POD

Hugs

Thanks for adding me to the distribution too…

_____________________________________________
From: KC Jones
Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 8:57 AM
To: Cool Coworker
Subject: P6 POD

Here you go…

  << File: New Format Detail POD P6 2011.xlsx >> 

Yup, that's right, it says "hugs"!! How awesome is that? Now, I was laughing so hard when I saw this response and I was actually happy because I love awesome people, but a lot of people in the workplace don't feel the same way about this sort of stuff. What better way to start the day than by receiving virtual hugs from a 'co-worker' you don't even know? 

2. Email Signatures: There is NOTHING more infuriating than getting an email from someone that contains a signature that is basically a copy of their resume. If you've ever had this happen, I'm sure you'll agree that the people who do it are those who are 'so important' and 'so busy' (but only in their OWN minds). Keep it short and sweet---your name, department, and phone number are more than enough. I can DEAL with the company name and fax number when they appear, but I will NEVER be able to handle all of the titles listed, your job title, a link to the company's website and/or your cell phone number. Seriously. Get a life. You work in a cube or office, you aren't saving lives. Congrats on your MBA, CPA, or CMA degree---very proud of you and yes, you should be proud of yourself, but in reality, no one cares and, like I said, the people who do it are self-absorbed and pompous anyway.

3. Out of Office Replies: If you're out of the office, it's totally cool--you should be able to enjoy vacation time, etc. However, you do not NOT need to provide a miniature company directory in your absence. Simply stating that you are out of the office and giving your return date and one or two people MOST to contact in your absence is MORE than enough. Again, seems like some people (the same people who violate rule #2), feel the need to ramble on endlessly and provide lists with up to 7 or 8 people sometimes! What?! Again, nothing in Corporate America, especially when you are working for a RETAIL company is THAT urgent.  Another point on this topic, please do not refer to yourself in the third person. Here's a classic example from my P.O.E:

-----Original Message-----

From: Supercool Steve

Sent: Monday, June 30, 2008 1:50 PM

To: KC Jones

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply:

Supercool Steve is working out of the Belgium offices for the period 6/18 - 6/27, 2008. 

If you are an associate with questions about benefits or policies, please call the HR Help Desk at 3-6499, or e-mail them.

IS associates, please contact Rich M. at 3-4101, or e-mail him.

If your e-mail is for other reasons, please leave Supercool Steve your message - he'll get back to you as soon as he is able - likely during the first week of July.

Thanks, and take good care!

4. Sense of Urgency:  Please refrain from marking all emails as 'urgent' or 'important' or whatever other indicator icon your email system allows you to do. If you are continuously sending me emails marked as 'high importance', you will eventually become my lowest priority because you are clearly insane. Also, I work in accounting, so as long as the entries/accruals/etc are booked and posted by our month end date, everything will be okay, so the example I will paste in below was completely unnecessary: 

-----Original Message-----
From: Jumpy Jackie
Sent: Thursday, December 28, 2006 12:19 PM
To: KC Jones
Subject: URGENT ACCURAL NEEDED
Importance: High

KC Jones,

Can you make an accrual for the attached upload file.  It will not get in for P11 so I need to accrue for the entries in P11 and then immediately reverse in P12.

Jackie 

 

5. Follow Up: If you send an email, allow the recipient to have an adequate amount of time to respond to you. If you send an email at 2 pm, another email or phone calls at 2:30 pm is completely out of line. We have a 24 hour rule at my P.O.E, and while I typically get back to people far more quickly than that, it's nice to have that window on an extremely busy day. If you bother me with back to back emails, I'm going to be less likely to take you seriously in the future.

6. Proofreading: When you were in school, you wouldn't have passed in a paper without proofreading it first, right? Well, the same rule applies in regards to work emails. It takes two seconds to make sure you don't end up looking like a fool. This is a double edged sword for me though---because I thoroughly enjoy reading a funny email with missing words, extra words, and other nonsensical elements. However, we are 'professionals' here, so we should be checking this stuff. Here's a ridiculously hilarious email that was forwarded my way by a really good friend of mine at work. We still have no idea what this was all about:

From:

Sent: Thursday, January 25, 2007 2:51 PM
To: KC Jones
Subject: What???? This is an exerpt from an e-mail I just got

The reserve account that we booking initially ( 580516) when the disaster happen, looks like you are the owner, that’s why Ed asked me to include you in the meeting.

Clearly, there are a million other points I could make, but I think I've touched upon the most frequent offenses that I see on a daily basis. Happy emailing!

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette....know your (cube's ) role....

I've been preparing this blog in my mind for a long time, and it's finally time to get it posted. Throughout my ten plus years in Corporate America, I've noticed that a LOT of people seem to think it's a good idea to use their cubes and/or offices for things OTHER than work. I'd like to touch upon the various things I've witnessed over the years & steer everyone in a better directions. This post is going to be devoted to what cubes/offices should NOT be used for:

It is a cube, not a....

1. Nail Salon: Ladies (and some gentlemen), there will never be a time when it's appropriate OR hygienic for you to be sitting in your cube clipping your nails. This is gross, no one wants to listen to it, and I'm definitely sure no one wants your clippings all around the office. This is a pretty common offense and I'd like to put an end to it. I've also seen some females actually painting their nails in their cubes. I'm pretty sure that no one wants to inhale those fumes either. Even worse, in my P.O.E, there was (he is no longer with us), a guy known to take his shoes and socks off and clip his TOENAILS! Yup, you read that correctly! And then there was an incident where my good friend witnessed a man with his shoes and socks removed applying DEODORANT to his FEET!?! I don't know whether I should be happy that he's that considerate regarding b.o. or if I should be offended that he's apparently sweating from the bottom of his feet. 

2. 2. Dentist's Office: If you have some oral hygiene issues to attend to, please seek out the nearest bathroom. If I hear you flossing in your cube, I might throw up, on you. I'm happy that you are taking good care of your teeth, but a public forum such as a cube or office is not the right place.
3. 3. A Kitchen or Restaurant: We all have eaten or do eat in our cubes or offices, that is fine. However, it should be noted that any real food preparation should be done at home or down in the cafeteria. I cannot tell you the number of times someone has brought something particularly offensive smelling and hunkered down in their cube for feeding time. We used to work with a ridiculously awesome Asian dude named "Nam" who literally brought a whole lobster in, dismantled it by hand up on our floor (as opposed to the cafeteria--not to mention that whole lobsters really don't belong in the workplace), threw it in the trash in the communal kitchen when he was done. The entire 5th floor smelled so bad and he just didn't understand why this wasn't appropriate. It was awesome, in an awful way.

4. A Club: If you want to listen to music as you work, cool....but remember, not everyone else wants to listen to music(particularly yours) as well. All it takes is an inexpensive pair of headphones to keep people happy. Or, if headphones don't work for you, how about the music on very quietly? I have experienced this situation one too many times, and I can't take it.  If I have to be trapped in a cube, I should NOT have to be forced to listen to someone's obnoxious country music all day. The only exception to this rule is when a 40'something chick who is TOTALLY trapped in the 1980's has a 'boombox' (yup!) on her desk that is playing the soothing sounds of Glen Danzig! YUP! That happened here!

5. A Conference Room: I believe we've addressed this in earlier posts, but it's worth mentioning again. There are conference rooms for a reason. And again, with this comes the rant about the speaker phone function. Speaker phone=Dire need for a conference room.

If people just follow the rules we lay out here at "The Takeover", our P.O.E.s would be much more enjoyable.

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette...Bring Your Children To Work Day(s)

Everyone has heard of "Bring Your Child To Work Day". Many companies have this event on an annual basis, it's advertised, and people know it's going to happen. Like it or not, it's understandable and it can sometimes be fun and one of those days where nothing gets done. Some people's kids are awesome, cute and funny and full of personality. I look forward to seeing some of my cowokers' children. However, some people's kids just suck. They are obnoxious, THINK that they're cute, and are super annoying. Unfortunately for the general public, these children are the ones whose parents allow them to roam free and annoy everyone in the general vicinity.

Ok, so I can cope with something like "Bring Your Child To Work Day" because I have to pick and choose my battles. The purpose of this post is to address the people who choose to institute their own 'bring your child to work' days randomly and when it's convenient to them. 

I've been in the working world for half of my life, and in an office setting for 10 years. I can't stand when I hear the pitter patter of sick children in the cubes or offices around me. I'm sorry, but if your child is sick, it is YOUR responsibility, as a parent, to stay home and take care of them. First of all, how unfair is it to the child to make them spend their day in a cube when they are sick and should be in bed? Secondly, none of us are that important (except in our own minds), that we can't take a sick day. Contrary to certain people's beliefs, the company WILL continue to exist in their absence. And honestly, if your job really is that critical, you aren't going to be able to bring your child into your P.O.E anyway. Third, sick days and personal days are available for a reason. And finally, how about consideration for others? Last time I checked I work in a Corporate Office, NOT in a Pediatrician's Office.

My other issue related to this topic is this: Why is this behavior acceptable for people who work in offices? This wouldn't be tolerated in the fields of medicine, law, education, or retail, for example. Could you picture a lawyer showing up for court with their child in tow? Or a doctor coming into the exam room and greeting you along with their child.What a double standard!

I don't feel like being at work in the first place, so I shouldn't have to sit there listening  to a sick child hacking away, blowing their nose, and/or whining. Little Timmy and Jane are gross anyways, as little kids can often be. Miniature, mobile germ factories. This is how the Swine Flu and SARS are spread and also why we can't have anything nice.

The moral of the story is this: Office Etiquette is being violated when sick children are being brought to a P.O.E. Proper Office Etiquette Dictates only one of the two following solutions:

1. Stay home with your sick child.
2. Have someone come and stay with your sick child.


 *For a good time, go to Google and search Images for "Sick Children".....How does the following picture factor into this? Maybe Google THOUGHT I meant, "Children Who Make Us Sick"---damn you autocorrect!

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette

Let me preface this post/rant by saying the following: I'm foul today because it's Tuesday and not Friday and because I wasn't aware that I moved to Seattle. I'd go so far as to say I'd rather be getting water boarded than be at work today...oh wait, I can be water boarded, I just have to go outside real quick.

Ok, so, meetings are common in any office as my man Big Ran has mentioned before. They are also stupid, and he covered that quite well. This post relates to where meetings should be held. The answer is simple---in a conference room or in someone's office, where a door can be closed. There is NO need to have an impromptu meeting outside of someone's cube and disrupt EVERYONE in the area. I'm fairly laid back when it comes to noise in the office because 1. I'm loud and 2. It's just the way it is when you have that many people in a cube farm. However, meetings in or outside of someone's cube are just unacceptable. Each person is talking over the other people and with each word it seems as though their volume gets louder and louder. If you are nearby, you can forget about doing anything that requires concentration and you'll have to put any conversations you'd like to have on hold until the meeting of the minds is adjourned.

Correct

INCORRECT!

You might ask, 'what if there are no conference rooms or offices available?'. My solutions are simple: First, the meeting can always be postponed until one is available because (and I know a lot of people in offices forget this) we aren't saving lives. Nothing is EVER THAT URGENT. I'm all about efficiency and results, but you know what I mean. Secondly, if the matter at hand is that critical (which it's NOT, but I'm just humoring the d-bags of the world), go to a common area like the cafeteria, kitchen, or even a frigin hallway. Anywhere where you're NOT going to aggravate EVERYONE in a 1 mile radius. Actually, maybe the handicapped stall in a bathroom would be a good place. I've noticed that those are extremely roomy. Maybe slide in some rolling chairs, etc. You could easily fit 4 or 5 people in the handicapped stalls in my office.

Happy Frigin Tuesday!

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette

Have you ever been sitting in your cube and been overtaken with the nauseating smell of fish, curry, or some other objectionable aroma? Have you ever been trying to concentrate and been distracted by someone crunching away in the aisle next to you? Have you ever had someone in your cube but you can't hear what they're saying because your cube neighbor is slurping away? Take consolation in knowing that most other people in the working world have suffered the same injustices as well! In order to vent and educate the general public, I'd like to provide some basic guidelines for grazing in the office.

The Takeover's Rules for Cubicle (and Office) Cuisine:

1. Not every type of food should be brought into your office or cube. Just because YOU like the smell of fish (or curry, or egg salad, etc), doesn't mean everyone else does.  As a matter of fact, I LOVE fish, but the smell? Not so much. And, when we're working in close quarters in large buildings where the windows are bolted shut to prevent us from jumping, any particularly pungent food should be reserved for consumption in the cafeteria or NOT AT ALL. Every Tuesday is "Indian Buffet" day at my company. While I have NO interest in this sort of food, I have no problem with it as long as it's kept in the cafeteria. Unfortunately, many people are inconsiderate and feel that it is okay to feast on it from the comfort of their cubes. FAIL! The only exception to this rule is when someone has let you in on a secret. For example, a good buddy of mine, whom we shall call Malcolm, used to bring fish up to his cube every Friday. It was gross and enraging until he let us in on his motivation: He was doing it to irritate the hell out of the biggest witch with a 'b' who sat in front of him. And it DID irritate her, and she was VERY loud about it. She was so awful to EVERYONE, so as soon as I learned of his reasons, I was actually very supportive. She didn't last too long in our department and there's no more fish on Fridays.

2. Dispose of Properly: When you are done with your food, assess the situation. Is the trash left behind something that will fester and nauseate those around you if you dump it into the bin in your cube? If the answer is 'yes' (think: leftover salad with strong dressing, anything with sauce, a bite of a tuna sandwich, etc), get your lazy ass up and bring it to the trash in a common area where it will not bother people. This is so simple I shouldn't even have to say it. If you lack the common sense or consideration to follow this rule, you should have your tongue cut out so you can no longer enjoy food.

3. Snack time: If you're anything like me, you pretty much have to eat constantly, so you have a wide array of snacks on hand at all times. This is great, except when people use their snacks as "Weapons of Mass Distraction". What does this mean, you ask? Snacks become weapons when someone is crunching super loudly for WAY longer than need be (chips, carrots, pretzels, are frequent offenders) or when someone is slurping away or making another type of disgusting/disruptive noise with every sip or bite. We have a dude here who I refer to as "Captain Crunch". EVERY day he has at least three snacks that result in extended periods of chomping and crunching. As a matter of fact, he's doing it RIGHT NOW! It's SO annoying to the people who sit around him. How in God's name is he unaware of how obnoxious it is? People have to pull out headphones at certain times in order to drown him out so they can focus on their work. Thank GOD I don't have to sit next to this distraction. Also, in a former department of mine, we had 'the slurper'. This guy needs to be put down anyway because he's just offensive in EVERY way. (In future "Office Etiquette" posts, I will address  "The Slurper" in greater detail). With every sip, he would toss your concentration right off the tracks. Unacceptable. One of these days, someone is going to go toss his hot and steamy beverage right on his lap and laugh. And I won't blame them.

4. Produce: Sometimes we choose to get bad snacks instead of eating the healthy food we bring in from home. This is all fun and games until the fruit sitting on someone's desk begins to rot. General rule: two days. If you haven't eaten it in two days, please get rid of it. No one wants to smell rotting bananas or be chased around the office by an aggressive pack of fruit flies. 

5. Cleanup time: If you do eat in your cube, please clean up after yourself. There's nothing more disgusting than entering someone's cube or office for something work related and leaving with a grease stain on the paper you're holding or with crumbs on your sleeves because you rested your arm on their desk. Even worse is having your hand stick when you put it on someone's desk.  Seriously, have some pride people. Would you do this at home? If the answer is "yes", then you're gross and you should stay there instead of coming to work each day.


 -KC Jones

Office Etiquette

If you work in a big building, chances are you utilize elevators on a daily basis. With this activity comes a slew of outrageous behavior. My friends and I discuss this issue quite frequently, so I've decided to put together a list of proper elevator etiquette. Enjoy!

Nobody likes elevators.

The Takeover's Guide to Elevator Etiquette:

• When the doors slide open, let those who have reached their destination OFF FIRST BEFORE YOU ATTEMPT TO ENTER. This is the great commandment of Elevator Etiquette. Seriously, why do people try to get on as people are trying to exit? First off, it's rude, secondly it's awkward, and in addition, it just creates unnecessary stress for everyone. People with manners and common sense already know this, so the fact that I have to put it in print is disheartening. Every day I see this rule broken at least once.
• Do not run towards the elevator, yelling 'wait', throw your arm and/or leg in between the doors, or make any other attempts to stall it as it is closing. Are you THAT important? Will the 10 second difference it makes in timing really cause your company to come grinding to a screeching halt? If you truly believe it will and you insist upon doing this, I hope your arm gets severed between the closing doors. (Bright side: If both are severed, you qualify for use of speaker phone). Just a reminder, there are usually several elevators, so one another one will be available momentarily. And, if there's only one where you work, it too will be back, no worries. 
• Do not cram yourself into an elevator that has already reached maximum capacity. People do not want your hair in their eyes, your behind rubbing up against their stomach, or a dry humping from you. Remember what I stated above, elevators schedules are cyclical, if you miss your first one, another will be along momentarily. Keep in mind that if the elevator ever gets stuck when it is packed tighter than a sardine tin, you'll be in trouble. 

Too Crowded- Wait for the next one!

• Do not use the elevator if you only need to go down ONE FLIGHT of stairs. First off, you're walking down, not up, so how lazy are you? Secondly, if you are THAT LAZY you probably need the exercise, so use this post as motivation. This rule is particularly important at peak times of elevator use. For example, at 5pm. Most normal human beings want to run from their buildings like they are on fire come 5 pm. So, the last thing someone from the 6th floor needs after stopping on floors 5, 4, and 3 is an additional stop on 2 with you standing there, waiting to greet them. Suddenly 5pm is 5:15 and everyone except our friend from floor 2 is aggravated. Another thing to consider; taking the stairs for short distances is actually quicker, so if you're very important and busy as Big Ran and I are, this might be a better option.
• When you enter the elevator, do not look at someone who is already on there or who has entered right before you and 'tell' them to press the button for whatever floor you need. I say 'tell' instead of 'ask' because this ALWAYS happens. Dude, who the hell are you? First off, as long as you have fingers, you need to press your own button. The only exceptions are if your hands are full or if it's crowded and you can't get to the panel. But in those cases, let's think really hard back to kindergarten and remember the magic word......yup, that's it! "Please"....could you "please" press 4. Ahhh, sounds so much nicer than '4'. 
• Get off the phone. The 'ride' is only a minute or two at most, and there's nothing critical happening that can't wait until you get to your office or cube. The people I see conducting phone calls on the elevator are usually very important, if only in their own minds. And the irony is, they look at you like you are bothering them and making it difficult for them to conduct their business if you're having a conversation with someone else who is actually physically present. The other situation that can arise is the person who will talk on their phone and stare at you, seemingly upset that you are 'listening to them'. I swear, I had it happen once. Just the two of us in there, and I was getting the hairy eyeball from this broad. She began speaking in code, honest to God. Um, lady, it's not my fault that we're trapped riding this thing together. So, a good rule is to keep your cell phone in your pocket unless the elevator gets stuck. And if that happens, call for help STAT!

Public Transportation: Another place where you should refrain from cell phone use.

 P.S. Another thing I forgot to mention (but only because i didn't realize it was a problem until just now), is please do not try to model in your underwear while on an elevator. Thanks!

 -K.C. Jones

Big Ran Note:  Ladies, if you don't know what's going on in an elevator, you do now:

Chappelles Show
Tags: Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs,Black Comedy,True Hollywood Story

Office Etiquette

SHUT THE F*CK UP IN MEETINGS!

Does everyone have meeting that could pretty much be wrapped up in five minutes or not held at all, but you are stuck in there because everyone loves to hear themselves talk?  I have a shit load of those, probably at least two a week (is that a lot?  who knows).  I hate meetings.  Despise meetings.  Ever since Al Gore invented the internet and subsequently e-mail, the honest need for face-to-face meetings should be much lower.  However, as time goes by, I feel as though the number of meetings has only increased (maybe its because I am super important and in high demand, but probably not).

Anyway, I feel like every meeting has at least two of the following people:

1.  The person that rambles on with nonsense that does not need to be discussed at that time.

2.  The person that doesn't say anything the whole time, but then just when you think the meeting is over, has like, 14 really stupid questions.  They are the equivalent of the student that reminds a teacher they forgot to assign homework.

So, for anyone reading this and going into a meeting, please think about the other people in that room.  For some, they think it is their time to shine, but for most, this is simply time that is taken away from us doing actual work (rather than coming up with ideas that we will never act on) or finding sweet videos online.  If you have to speak, keep it short, and to the point.  No one really cares and those notes they are taking?  Its not because you are coming up with profound ideas.  If you have questions, limit them to ones that are truly relevant and are not idiotic.  Save those for e-mail later.

-Big Ran

KC Jones: You hit the nail right on the head with this post dude, congrats!

Office Etiquette

I received the following email this morning from a friend of mine here in the cube farm:

From: Awesome, Amy  

Sent: Tuesday, April 26, 2011 9:22 AM
To: Jones, KC
Cc:
Subject: Blog ideas

 In the office etiquette piece of your blog could you please write something about loud employees and speakerphone users.

 Thanks!

Because she is a huge supporter of our endeavors here at "The Takeover", and because I wholeheartedly agree with her, I am more than happy to oblige. 

These days, many of us work in cubes rather than private offices (although, Big Ran is definitely running the show at his P.O.E (place of employment) and I think he is big pimpin' like Jay-Z...he might even have his own suite for people to come, lay down, and read). Anyway, this sort of environment can be noisy and distracting, and it's something we just have to deal with. Most of the time it's fine, and if you work with cool peeps, it's fun to have people around who you can just chat with from over the cube walls. However, every once in a while, you have a person who is so busy and so important, that they have to conduct every single phone call they make or receive via speaker phone. One word for this: UNACCEPTABLE! This is inconsiderate and rude, and there's no way to justify it as far as I'm concerned*.

A few comments regarding these situations:

1. When someone is on speaker phone, they tend to shout, so the person on the other end can hear them better. Most of the time, this shouting is so loud, the entire floor can hear the conversation. Also, calls conducted via speaker phone tend to be peppered with words and phrases such as "what?" and "can you repeat that?" Can you say distraction? Also, can you say ineffective?
2. If a cube neighbor is on the phone or trying to have a conversation in their own cell, it is extremely difficult for him/her to concentrate because they can't hear anything but Loudmouth Linda or Megaphone Mike next to them.
3. There is no consideration given to the person on the other end of the call. I, for one, will point blank tell people to pick up the receiver if they call me on speaker phone. Couple of reasons for this: First, I don't want to aggravate the people around the person who is calling me, (because I'm so loud anyways), and secondly, I don't want everyone hearing me! I hate the sound of my voice, assume other hate it as well, and additionally, what I'm saying isn't everyone else's business. Even if the person calling has an office, I put the kibosh on speaker phone immediately.
4. If you aren't using your hands to hold the receiver, what are you using them for when you're on a call? You can't possibly be typing or doing anything else meaningful because you should be concentrating on what the other person is saying.
5. *There is one exception to my ban on the use of speaker phone:  people missing their arms or hands--I mean, if you don't have hands and/or arms, I can understand that you might need to employee this method. However, ....BOTH arms or BOTH hands have to be missing. If you have one, you can pick up the receiver. I know I'm a jerk, but after almost 10 years in the corporate jungle, you have to feel my pain.

Megaphone Mike- WRONG!

Loudmouth Lou- FAIL!

Doesn't even know how to use speakerphone, but still a problem.

CORRECT! And look at how happy everyone is!

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette

Coworkers who run the Boston Marathon.

Yesterday was Patriot's Day, a.k.a. Marathon Monday in Massachusetts.  I had the day off, which was the tits, so I watched baseball in the morning and early afternoon, took a nap, walked my dog, and watched Tron Legacy.  Big day yesterday.  However, many people chose to run 26.2 miles into Boston yesterday.  To each his own.

I feel like I have to put some disclaimers out there before I dive into this one.  I know it's hard, it takes dedication, blah, blah, blah.  I respect most people that do it and I get it, back in the day I ran a lot and last year I ran a half marathon, so I get it.  I also want to say that I have a coworker and friend that runs The Boston Marathon and none of this applies to her because she doesn't make a big deal of it and will only mention it if you ask her first.

Anyway...

So, you have a coworker that ran the marathon?  Great.  Congratulations to them and I am sure most of them aren't incredibly douchey about it.  However, we have all met the people that are and this is them in a nutshell:

They announce to EVERYONE in the office what they plan on doing so you can have constant conversations about their training and long runs.  They wear sneakers in the office, but it's OK because they are training for the marathon.  They try to get you into long distance running or training for a marathon just like them.  They wear workout gear that is NOT designed for their body type (think Rosie O'Donnell in under armor).

They get super-healthy with their diet, which is fine, but then proceeds to tell you the carb-protein-trans fat breakdown of your lunch.  Wears the "Boston Marathon" warm up jacket everyday for like six months.  Is so sore the next day that they cannot walk up or down stairs and they never fail to mention that.

If you are so sore after you run that you can barely walk, take a vacation day on Tuesday.  I love how some people think they should have a free day or comp day because they ran a marathon.  Dude, you chose to do this, no one forced it on you.  That's like me not coming into the office tomorrow because I watched the Celtics playoff game, drank a case of Bud Heavies, then stayed up to watch the Sox on the west coast and I am too tired to get up at 6 AM.  That's a marathon too.

I think you get one day.  One day, Tuesday, to wear your jacket, tell your stories, and complain about being sore.  That's it and I think that is incredibly generous.  Other than that, STFU and do your job so I don't have to stay late.  You are not a "marathoner" if you ran it once in five and a half hours. 

So, congrats, you survived, hopefully while not going to the bathroom on yourself, and at this point you have about 90 minutes left to milk it.

-Big Ran

Office Etiquette

I Don't Feel So Good....

In today's "Office Etiquette" post, I would like to a take a moment to weigh in on people who come to work when they are sick. While I realize that we cannot and should not call in sick each and every time we have the sniffles, I think it's time to call out those individuals who come to work when they are on death's door, putting all of their coworkers' health in jeopardy. I've witnessed this sort of behavior more times than I ever imagined possible, so I'd like to highlight a couple of the most flagrant offenses:

1. "It doesn't matter, I'm going to be sick whether I'm here or at home, so I might as well be here." Ummmm, how about no?! A while back, I was sitting in my cube and I heard this dude coughing violently in the aisle next to me. At one point, a friend of mine who sits in the cube in front of him and I were emailing, taking bets on which of his internal organs would be shot over the cube wall into her lap first. A little while later, he added a constant, productive, fog horn style nose blowing to his repertoire. Disgusting. Someone asked him if he was sick and he could barely speak. When it was suggested that he go home, he responded with the quote I used to open this paragraph.While that is true, it is completely asinine.  If he had stayed home, he wouldn't be exposing all of his coworkers and their families, etc to the plague he was carrying. Clearly this db has no regard for the well-being of the people around him. He has now earned the nickname "Bubble Boy" (shout out to Seinfeld), because we've noticed that he is one of those people who is CONSTANTLY sick and because of this, should probably be isolated.
Bottom line: If you have a cold/virus that is making you cough nonstop to the point of gagging and preventing you from doing anything with your hands besides cupping your nose with a tissue, it would probably be a good idea to stay home.

2. "I was throwing up all night, and I feel awful but I was able to keep some plain toast down this morning, so I decided to try to come in." I overheard this from a particularly annoying woman who works on my floor a few months back. She believes she is crucial to the long term AND day to day success of our company. (She's not, trust me.) Again, REALLY? Congrats on keeping the toast down lady, but guess what? If I wanted the Norwalk Virus or a variation of it, I'd hop on a cruise ship and at least reap the benefits of good food and a tan, not drive down the highway to my office building.
Bottom line: If you have a stomach bug, you should NEVER be at work. You are NOT that important, and the company will survive without you for a day or two.

3. "I have a stomach bug, so I'll be communicating via email or telephone today, FROM MY OFFICE." Yes, this was an email sent (maybe not the exact words, but you get the point) years ago from someone in a former department of mine. Of course we then see the infected wandering the halls, going into the bathroom, touching doorknobs, and other communal items. The irony here is that this person is one of the biggest germ-a-phobes going and won't even take a piece of paper from someone who has sneezed!  Seriously, you couldn't stay home and use a sick day? Or, if you really do believe you are so important that your absence will cause the company to come to a grinding halt, couldn't you just work from home for the day? 
Bottom line: See #2's 'bottom line'. Unacceptable.

4. "I never get sick, so this can't be anything." OR "I never get sick, so I'm guessing this must be allergies." Yup! Comments similar to these have been uttered in the cube farm as well. What is WRONG with people? First off, I don't know many people (or anyone, for that matter) who suffers from allergies in mid January, especially when everyone around them has been fighting off a cold, flu, or other virus. Secondly, don't lie. Everyone gets sick at some point. Sure, some people tend to catch things more easily than others, but there is no one in the world who has never been sick.
Bottom line: You aren't bionic, you're delusional.  STAY HOME.

This is clearly a legitimate issue at my company and others because we have received company wide emails at various points reminding us of when we should stay home sick. I'm not sure why grown adults need to be given guidelines or reminded that a fever equals contagion (yes, that's a word), but apparently some of them do.

So, I'll end the post by saying this; proper office etiquette calls for individuals to stay home when they are legitimately sick. This is why most companies provide their associates with sick days. Some things just don't need to be shared, and I think I speak for the majority when I say nobody wants your swine flu, bird flu, or SARS.

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette

Today The Takeover is going to start a segment entitled "Office Etiquette."  This was KC Jones' brainchild and I love it.  Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have a great story.

A couple of weeks ago a coworker of mine, "Cheryl," was in a meeting.  I was in someone else's office killing time when a woman from our processing unit, "Patty," comes to the door to ask where Cheryl was.  The guy I was talking with told Patty that Cheryl was in a meeting.  Patty responded with: "Oh good, I'm just going to read my book on her couch."

The two of us gave each other the "WTF" look because Patty was now lounging in Cheryl's office, reading a book on her couch at two in the afternoon.

When I tell Cheryl not to be surprised to find a visitor in her office she goes in to find Patty.  Cheryl asks her what's going on and Patty replies "Oh, I just needed a place to relax and read my book. Are you going to be doing work in here now?"

Dudes, I think this is just absolutely bat shit insane.  How the hell do you just go into someone's office that you barely work with and just take your shoes off and relax in their office at 2 PM.  Honestly, it blows my mind that someone would think that is OK.  Maybe I'm an asshole, but if someone is chillin' in my office you better be my friend and not some nut job from the processing unit that forwards me all the calls you should be handling yourself.
Other crazy co-worker stories?  Different optinions on this one?  Let us know.

-Big Ran

PS: Try googling images for reading on a couch.  I'll wait...

A. Why is everyone smiling?  Unless they caught you at the precise moment you were reading a lighthearted moment, you should be concentrating.  Reading is Fundamental, bitches.

B. Why is everyone barefoot?  Does nobody where socks while they are reading?  Is that what I'm doing wrong?  I don't want to see dudes in vests reading barefoot.  Shit is gross.

PPS: Etiquette has to be the most difficult word to spell in the world.  I tried that shit like six different ways until I was close enough to even use spell check.  Maybe if I read with my socks off I would be smarter.