Irrational Rant...Topless Dancers (or Gardners, or 'Barbecue-rs', etc)

Ok, so the summer months are officially here and with them comes many great things: trips to the beach, outdoor beverages, time spent poolside, and many other outdoor activities. Sounds pretty good, right? Well, like the old saying goes, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is! The summer's luster was slightly lost for me this weekend as I drove around noticing too many out of shape men waltzing around topless.
 
I know that topless men are a societal norm, but I truly believe that certain standards need to be met before a man can wander around semi-nude in public. With the exception of nude beaches, women can never be topless in public without possible legal consequences, so I don't want to hear the whining. If you resemble an African tribeswoman from a National Geographic special, you need to be covered up---especially at a cookout or other event where people are trying to eat!  Here's a quick little guide for all our "Takeover" readers. Feel free to share this decision tree with the men in your life or vicinity who may need guidance.

Men, answer the following questions honestly and proceed accordingly:

1. Do you have moobs? Moobs=Man Boobs. A 'moob' is anything FLABBY, size of an 'A' cup or over. Moobs are NOT pecs, pecs are muscular and not offensive.  If the answer to question 1 is "yes", please keep your shirt on and find a trusted female friend to take you bra shopping. Because if we have to wear them, then why don't you?  If your answer is "no", make sure you're being honest with yourself and, if so, proceed to question #2.

Absolutely not! The only thing that would make this worse is a speedo and some chest hair!

2. Do you look like you are pregnant? I'm not talking about a little spill over or a slight muffin top, because we've all got issues.  I'm talking about a gut that would make people question your due date. If the answer to question 2 is "yes",  put your shirt on and keep it on unless you're in the privacy of your own home. If your answer is "no", please double check with a trusted friend of family member. If the answer is still "no", proceed to question #3.

Are you having a boy or a girl? Maybe both....

3. Do you look like you are wearing a sweater, even when you're topless? If your answer is "yes", there are several options for you: waxing, shaving, or another form of hair removal. Should you choose to be defiant towards my suggestions, you know what you must do. Yup! Get that shirt back on your body! I can only imagine that you'd want to opt for hair removal as the hair, along with the shirt, will only make things more uncomfortable and hot. Listen, it's not your fault if you're hairy, but it IS your fault if you choose to do nothing about it. A quick side note here: a little hair is fine and normal, so if that's your situation, and you've answered "no" to questions 1 & 2, rock on topless.  If you look like this, expect a citizen's arrest if I catch you sans shirt:

**Also, should you look like this dude, please stay out of any pool that's not your own---or else you should expect to pick up the bill once someone is called to repair the filter!

In summary, no one is perfect, but there are some who are so imperfect that they need to remain adequately covered in public. Unfortunately, those are the people who usually lack modesty and have no trouble letting it all hang out, literally! So, if you look like you're pregnant and/or ready to nurse or like you wandered off the set of "Planet of the Apes", cover that junk up! If not, you'll be victimizing anyone with a working sense of sight and ruining an otherwise joyous time of year for the general public.

-KC Jones

*Big Ran Note:  I would say that in general, Dads do not care what they look like, and will pop that shirt of at any point.  Personally, sometimes I don't want to pop the shirt of if I haven't gone to the gym for a while and feel a little doughy, but I don't have moobs going or anything.  Plus, right now, If I popped the shirt off on a really sunny day I would blind people with the light reflecting off of me.  I look like Powder right now.