I felt that I needed to make a separate post on my reaction to KC's DWTS blog today, because, well, that sh!t was a dissertation on the upcoming 2011 season. Honestly, she broke that down like a pre season analysis of the NBA Eastern Conference. She inspired me to do one as well, but rather than being well informed, I want to expose my ignorance as well as make fun of people. I am not going to do any research for this whatsoever; straight from the dome. Let's get started.
First of all, I have definitely seen DWTS before. I don't think I've ever seen an entire season, but as my wife will tell you, I can predict what each judge will score the dance as well as their comments with exact precision. BTW, huge fan of Carrie Ann Inaba, who at 41 is officially a cougar, right? I'll take it in the same order as KC.
1. David Arquette - Woof. ABC must be STRUGG-A-LING to get anyone with any star appeal. He brings absolutely nothing to the table. He's a crappy actor, has a cheesy stache, and I don't think he's married to Courtney Cox anymore. What's the point? I would say he would be one of the worst to start, but this is a shallow pool this year.
2. J.R. Martinez - never heard of him, but he's a soap opera star. Is this Kelly Ripa's husband? BTW, she's gross. I wonder if her husband is a closet pedophile, because she has the body of a 10 year old. Allegedly, he was in the military. He'll stick around because he's a vet and is probably dreamy. He's there for the ladies (and dudes who like dudes).
3. Ron Artest - say what you want, but he's the biggest name on this list. I may be biased because I am a sports fan and Ron is nuts. However, as nuts as he is, he's fairly charming. Ath;etes tend to do fairly well and I bet he sticks around for a while. He'll get into it. I also just heard that his request to change his name to Metta World Peace was temporarily denied because he has unpaid parking tickets. This should work out well.
4. Hope Solo - we've debated her looks on these pages, so this should be interesting. She was America's sweetheart for the five minutes Americans care about soccer during the world cup. I also heard that she has said she is not a good dancer. She'll last a few weeks AND be linked romantically to whoever she dances with.
5. Ricki Lake - I have no idea what she's been doing since her tv show; I would assume eating deep fried turkeys. Was she big (no pun intended) during the Monica Lewinski action? I feel like she had her and Linda Tripp on. Maybe she just reminds me of Monica Lewinski. I bet she makes a big push and contends in hopes of getting her career back and getting into shape.
6. Rob Kardashian - What was he, like the 7th choice in the family? Don't get a long term rental because you won't last long. Kick rocks bro.
7. Kristen Cavalleri - She was on that MTV pseudo reality show, don't remember the name. She use to be cute, but vapid. Now she's anorexic and vapid. Not a good combo. She has that look going where her head looks way too big for her emaciated body. She won't last long because she will be too self-conscious. She just broke up with Bears QB, Jay Cutler, who has to be one of the biggest douche cry babies in sports.
8. Nancy Grace - She has to be one of the worst people in the world, right? Like, at least the most nauseating. I am starting to think she somehow masterminds the murders of blonde women in Bermuda just so she can have a show and yell at me through the tv.
9. Carson Kressley - I remember him from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." He was by far the gayest guy on the show, which is saying something. My wife tells me he is now on a show called, "How to Look Good Naked." I say this in complete seriousness: I think it would be interesting that if they had a gay "star," and matched him up with a gay male dancer. I know Middle America would implode and Michele Bachmann would blame another natural disaster on it happening, but wouldn't there be more chemistry? I don't know. I'm just spit balling here.
10. Chaz Bono - I learned a lot on this one. OK, so HE use to be a SHE AND was the daughter of Sonny and Cher. Wow. So much going on here. He now has a girlfriend that at least appears to be a woman with all her original equipment. Just a quick personal note: my sophomore year of college I had some friends visiting so everyone ripped a ton of beers. I ended up passing out on the couch in a friends room and woke up around 5 AM to a Cher video for "Love After Love" or "Life After Love," whatever that song was and it scared the sh!t out of me.
11. Chynna Phillips - That YouTube vido KC linked to? Not a good look. The following picture? A very good look and I definitely didn't expect it.
12. Elisabetta Canalis - She is definitely only on because she was George Clooney's dick puppet, but I guess when you have the likes of Chaz Bono, Nancy Grace, and Ricki Lake on, you need a little boner fodder. Can she dance? I have no idea, but I agree with KC, she'll get boner votes and stick around a few weeks.
-Big Ran
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