Irrational Rant...Self Checkout Lines

Cowboy boots and skirt, f*ck yeah!

So after a day of driving all over central and eastern Massachusetts yesterday, Mrs. Big Ran and I stopped at Stop & Shop to look at Red Box movies (there was nothing good) and to pick up something for our dogs, which, for some inexplicable reason, is like one-third the price at Stop & Shop as it is everywhere else even though everything else at Stop & Shop is about a dollar more expensive than everywhere else.

It is about 8:15 PM, so there aren't many people in the store and I have one item, so I go to the self checkout.    At the first one, I choose English, then is says, "Please Wait for Attendant."  WTF? Is it pissed I chose English as my language?  Did this self checkout machine just get Rosetta Stone and want to work on its Spanish?  Well, f*ck that, I'm going to another one.  Get to another one, I choose English, put in the 'ol savey save f*cky f*ck card (courtesy of Bill Burr), and scan the item.  It then says, "Please Wait for Attendant."  So we wait for some teenager to come over and scan his card and punch some sh!t in..

My question is this?  WTF is the point of self checkout if you need some young punk to do sh!t for me?  I choose self checkout because I wan to go fast.  I like my checkout just like my cars and my women, fast as f*ck.

In that awesome Bill Burr clip he goes on  to hate on self checkout for different reasons than why I hate them.  I think they should have different lanes for different speeds of people using the self checkout, just like the highway.  If you are slow as balls, use the right lane.  If you know what you are doing, are going to use a credit or debit card, and don't have many items, go to the left.  If you are going to use a check and are under the age of 70, kill yourself.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to sit at a self checkout and wait for a damn attendant either because of poorly designed machines or the jerk offs in front of me in line.  A couple months ago I was buying a bunch of stuff at BJ's for my wife's 30th b-day party.  It's BJ's, so obviously everything there is super sized.  Cartons, crates, cases, whatever.  Anyway, there are self checkout options at BJ's, so I choose that because every other line is about a block and a half long with people that seem to be stockpiling for their World War III bunkers.  However, apparently, if you use self checkout and have some thing that is too heavy (like a case of water bottles), you need the attendant.  F*ck that noise.  At that point it is no longer self checkout because everything at BJ's weighs like 120 pounds. 

I'm feeling it today.  This is exactly how I feel (possibly NSFW due to swears, there's no boobies or anything):

-Big Ran