I Love My Commute, Part II

So, yesterday morning's commute turned out to be more interesting than I had planned. Thanks to the suggestions supplied by Big Ran's earlier post, I was able to handle things in much calmer way than my primal instincts would have otherwise dictated.

Let me set the scene for you: So, I'm in my car, breezing down the Massachusetts Turnpike, listening to Puff Daddy and the Family's "No Way Out" CD. That CD is a masterpiece and I can only hope that one day rap music returns to the splendor of the late 1990's. (RIP B.I.G. & Pac), but I digress. Anyway, I was in a good mood. It was nice and sunny, I had the sunroof open, and it was humpday (two days away from Friday and two days better than Monday!). As I put my blinker on to vacate the Pike at Exit #13, that's when the chaos ensued.

Traffic was backed up all the way onto the Pike, so we were at a dead stop. As all of the cars finally began to creep along to the ONE LANE part of the exit, (prior to where is explodes into multiple lanes of potential vehicular homicide) I hear someone laying on their horn. I looked in my rearview mirror, wondering who the crazy ass was, because, like I said, traffic was slow and you can blare on your horn all you want, but it's not going to help. To my surprise (because "All About the Benjamins" was playing in my Honda, drowning out the background noise), I noticed the woman in back of me, in her Nissan, pretty much on top of my car, flipping out. She's screaming and swearing and doing all sorts of crazy motions with her arms. Had it not been for the furrowed brow and yelling (I could read her lips), I may have thought she was Jazzercising. She was trying to pull up next to me when it was only one lane!

She's ugly, but the real thing was even worse!

It was at that moment, I decided to employ a variation of Big Ran's method for dealing with Road Ragers. I looked back into my rear-view and waved to her and smiled. Eventually, she somehow ended up next to me, but I think half of her car was up on the barrier between the road and the grass. Her window was rolled down, and she went insane! The mental midget dropped the C word! All the while, despite my urge to jump out of the car and beat her with my snow brush, I smiled and waved, and motioned to her that she should try to pull ahead of me. This was particularly infuriating to her because the person in front of me was NOT directly in front of me and the person in front of them wasn't in line with them either. The zig-zag formation in the one lane was really disrupting her ability to blow right by us.

And then it happened. She threw her arms up in the air with her hands in claw like formations, motioning as though she was going to scratch me from a distance. The only comparison I can make it to an angry, retarded bear. At this moment, I began laughing and rolled down my window and stated, "You're so pretty!". This was the end for her. The C word was totally dropped again, and she tried to speed off as we were getting to the point where the road opened ever so slightly, only to be trapped behind another car.

This broad was a BEAST! She clearly wasn't in a rush to get to work, unless of course she worked in a sewer or in the woods, so I'm not sure WHAT was going on. Her hair was piled up on her head looking like it hadn't been washed in days. Her sunglasses were tangled up in that nest and her skin resembled a well worn leather bag. She had hot pink and black fake nails (yes, she was THAT close to my car) that totally would have tore me to shreds had she reached me when she was role playing a bear. That being said, I have no idea what inspired her to act like that---the only thing I can imagine is that she might have been late in going to pick up her pimp OR for her methadone clinic appointment. 

Thank you, Big Ran, for inspiring me to take "the high road" with this trick and a shout out to Puff Daddy and the Family for providing the soundtrack for these shenanigans. Miss you BIG!

-KC Jones

P.S. The irony is at one point, I was listening to the song "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" and I'm pretty sure the lyrics sum up her mindset perfectly...."Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down.....oh no, I've got to keep on moving"...That's right Beastmaster, you've got to keep on moving---and nobody is gonna take your pride, because you clearly have none!



*Big Ran Note:  I know nobody can see me right now, but I am slowly clapping in my POE.

BRA-F*CKING-VO!