Showing posts with label Dave Chappelle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dave Chappelle. Show all posts

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Stuck In My Head



Say what you want about Kanye being a mega douche or Jay Z owning exactly one percent more of the New Jersey Nets than I do and naming his daughter Blue Ivy or some sh!t, but this CD they have out is straight fire.  No matter what though, don't forget that my man Fisticuff owns the streets.

Chappelles Show
Fisticuff
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDsBlack ComedyTrue Hollywood Story

-Big Ran

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

If Anyone Wants to Fake Cancer for Profit, Go To Virginia (Then Proceeed to Hell)


Woman who faked cancer fined $100

A 42-year-old Virginia woman was fined $100 and given five years of probation for faking cancer to raise money for herself.

FREDERICKSBURG, Va., Feb. 28 (UPI) -- A 42-year-old Virginia woman was fined $100 and given five years of probation for faking cancer to raise money for herself.

Martha Ann Nicholas of Mechanicsville pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor charges of obtaining money by false pretenses, the Richmond Times-Dispatch reported.

Nicholas also was given a suspended sentence of a year in jail on each charge and ordered by Fredericksburg General District Judge John R. Stevens not to take part in any charitable causes.

Stevens accepted the plea recommended by prosecutors.

Defense attorney Sam Simpson had said earlier Nicholas had paid restitution of $1,700, the amount she collected. She had claimed at rallies she was a cancer victim.

She had been suffering from a psychosomatic condition that led her to believe she had a cancer-like illness, Simpson said.

Look, I'm no judge, jury, or executioner, but doesn't a $100 fine seem a bit light for pretending to have cancer and throwing a fundraiser for personal profit?  There's not much of a fear factor in that to dissuade people from trying that again in hopes of getting away with it.  If they want to keep the $100 fine, they should add that the person not only pays restitution to those who gave them money, but the perpetrator should have to match that amount in a donation to a local cancer charity or research fund.  Then, cancer patients get to stone them.


You know what Samuel L. Jackson would say?






-Big Ran

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Can a Straight Dude Wish Another Straight Dude "Happy Valentine's Day" Without It Being Weird?


So, about two minutes ago, I get an e-mail from a client.  At the end of the e-mail, he signs off with "Happy V-Day."  I have met this guy before.  Twice.  He's married and has kids, I'm married.  I have absolutely nothing against the gay community, I feel very comfortable with someone who is gay.  However, isn't it weird for a guy to wish another guy "Happy Valentine's Day" regardless of sexual orientation?  I think it's really weird.  We're not talking about New Years, Thanksgiving, or Christmas.  We're talkin' bout Valentine's Day (Allen Iverson voice).

I just thought that was weird and I'm not going to respond to it.  I'm going to pretend it didn't happen.

-Big Ran 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I Don't Care that the Lakers Won





 I literally yell "Kobe!" every time I throw something in the trash at work. Meetings, lunch, alone in my office, I don't care. That sh!t is comedy gold.

However, is it too much to ask that the Cs pull that game out after the super bowl punch to the gut?

 -Big Ran

 PS: Nice prenup, chump.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Friday Mutha F*ckin' Jam!



I get legitimately fired up whenever I hear the start of this song.  It just popped up on Pandora in my office and I wish someone was walking by because they would have seen my "OHHHH SH!!!!!!!!!!!TTTTT!" face.  Q-Tip is like hot sauce, you can put him on anything and it will be better.

The phone is ringing Oh my God.

Obligatory Chappelle clip (Q Tip comes in at the 5:30 mark):



As a side note, my wife likes Dave Chappelle and liked some of the skits on his show, but absolutely hated this one.  I loves this skit, but I really don't ever remember her being so adamant about hating something as much as she hated this skit.  Just a little FYI.


-Big Ran

Thursday, December 1, 2011

You Guys Want Some Cookies?



I know I have been a dead beat dad of a blogger lately, but hey, Big Ran is a VIP and is pulled in a lot of different directions.  However, I just wanted to throw this one up there. I bought my lunch at work today and as I was checking out, there was a rack of snacks with a sign: "We are testing new products!  $1 each."  So, I take a look, thinking it will be these sweet new futuristic snacks, like Daddy Butter, or something, and here are the "new products" being tested:

Ritz Bits - I'm pretty sure these came out when I was about 7.  At the time they blew my mind.  Wait, small Ritz crackers with penut butter already on them?!  AMAZING!
Pop Tarts - I NEVER got Pop Tarts.  I guess I mean that in two ways: my parents never bought them and I still don't comprehend them to this day.  They should give you a vile of insulin with every package just as a preemptive strike against the diabetes they will give you.

Quaker Oats Granola Bars - Let's call a spade a spade.  These are terrible granola bars.  Not remotely satisfying.  They claim to be all healthy, but are they still healthy if I have to eat the entire box to feel somewhat satisfied (that's what she said)?

Planters Single Serving Peanuts - Dude, George Washington Carver would be roll over in his grave if you actually thought these were new products.

So these were the exciting products being sampled at work today.  What will they think of next?  Maybe some Sunny Delight?

Obligatory Chappelle clip...wait for it:



-Big Ran

PS:  How about G.W. Carver and his pimp stache.  A pimp stache AND peanuts?  My man was never lonely at night.

PPS:  I misspelled so many friggin' words in this post it was amazing.  Between typos and not knowing how to spell, it's actually pretty amazing I'm still employed.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Literally, How Every Zombie/Post-Apocalyptic Movie Starts



Search ends in Gwinnett for missing research monkey


The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

3:58 p.m. Monday, August 22, 2011
The search in Gwinnett County for a missing research monkey is over.
Emory University’s Yerkes National Primate Research Center announced it has ended efforts to locate the animal. Known only as “EP13,” the 2-year-old rhesus macaque was discovered missing on June 15.
“Despite extensive efforts by Yerkes staff, we have not been able to locate this research animal,” Dr. Stuart Zola, director of Yerkes, said in a prepared statement issued last week.
“Efforts included searching the Yerkes property numerous times, conducting multiple census counts of the research animals and working with Gwinnett County Animal Control to follow up on 26 reported ‘sightings’ in the metro Atlanta area,” Zola said.
Zola said he has directed Yerkes staff to continue taking steps to prevent any such future occurrences, including using microchip technology to better track the animals and increasing security and video surveillance at the center.
The center will also pursue any recommendations regulatory authorities may make, he said. Earlier this summer, Yerkes officials met with representatives of the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Georgia Department of Natural Resources to discuss steps they had taken in the search.
With the search ended, “we are focusing on our research operations at the center and doing things to ensure this would not happen again,” Lisa Newbern, a Yerkes spokeswoman, said in a telephone interview Monday.
If someone should see the monkey, she said, “people are still welcome to give us a call at 404 727-7732, or Gwinnett County Animal Control, 770 339-3200.”
It was hoped that Ep13 could be in or around the 117-acre Primate Research Center, but repeated searches proved fruitless.
Searchers had speculated the monkey fled into the nearby woods, possibly finding shelter in the surrounding Gwinnett suburbs or even going farther, venturing far outside of metro Atlanta. Yerkes has taken calls from people in other counties claiming to have seen her.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution on July 5 cited a Georgia Department of Natural Resources report that Yerkes waited five days before notifying authorities of the missing monkey.
The DNR report showed that after identifying that the monkey was missing on June 15, Yerkes staff started an immediate search of its grounds and on June 17 filed an incident report to the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee, the oversight body for university animal testing.
Yerkes contacted the U.S. Department of Agriculture three days later, on June 20, and then the DNR on June 22. The last time Yerkes had conducted a full head count of the monkeys was May 26, when the group was being transported within the facility.
The report also said that five days into the search, a Yerkes veterinarian believed the primate might be deceased. The veterinarian speculated the missing monkey had fallen into a crevice and died, or that a hawk had captured it.
Meanwhile, about 20 area residents filed a complaint with Lawrenceville and Gwinnett authorities against the primate research center, saying it did not belong in a residential area because of the threat escaped animals could pose to neighbors.
Operated by Emory University, Yerkes is one of eight federally funded national primate research centers. It keeps a total of about 3,400 primates at a 25-acre campus in Atlanta and the 117-acre field station in Lawrenceville. The field station, which opened in 1966, is home to 1,899 rhesus macaques and 2,220 animals overall.
I am currently blogging this while driving to Canada.  I promised myself I would only move to Canada under two conditions:
1.  If Sarah Palin was elected President.
2.  If a research monkey escaped.
This is, literally, how every zombie/virus movie starts.  Outbreak, 28 Days Later, That ridiculously frustrating zombie movie with Will Smith, all of them.  GTFO while the GTFO-ing is still good.  Viva la Canada, unless you are in any other province than Quebec, then it's just English.
Cut to a movie scene:  Movie President:  "FIND THIS F*CKING RESEARCH MONKEY S.T.A.T!!!!!!!!!!"
-Big Ran
Chappelles Show
Black Bush
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDsBlack ComedyTrue Hollywood Story
M-A-R-S.  Mars, bitches.  UH-YEAH-YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 27, 2011

WTF Happened to Dave Chappelle?


Ummmm....

So its been about six years since Dave Chappelle stopped filming The Chappelle Show, probably my favorite show of all time, and it looks as though he has pretty much been lifting weights since he got back from his South African odyssey.  Scrawny Dave was funny, one of, if not the best comedians out there, but can he be as funny if he's jacked?  I'm not sure.  I just don't know if Dave pulls off a jacked Tyrone Biggums


 -Big Ran