Lunchtime Look-a-Like

OK, this is a wild one, but trust me.  I was pursuing YouTube and came across a Lonely Island video I hadn't seen before, featuring Michael Bolton.  I'm obviously watching that, so join me in watching the video and then we can move on to the Look-a-Like.



First of all, who knew that Michael Bolton had a sense of humor?  Now, when he flashes on the screen dressed as Erin Brockovich, did anyone else immediately think of Sarah Jessica Parker?  I did and not just because of the fair.  Look at that mug, almost identical.

Michael Bolton as Erin Brockovich

I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker could be featured on "Is This Person Good Looking?"  Personally, I think she needs an airbrush to avoid looking like a foot, but you never know.

-Big Ran

Supportive Bra Offers Encouragement to Japan. Awesome Pun Intended.

TOKYO (Reuters) – A Japanese lingerie maker Wednesday unveiled a bra that carries messages of encouragement from overseas as the country struggles to recover from a devastating quake and tsunami that struck exactly two months ago.

The white, bustier-style garment and matching skirt by Triumph are covered with messages from 36 different countries received in the aftermath of the disaster, each accompanied by a tiny flag of the nation that sent it.

Messages ranged from simple good wishes, such as "Japan, with you 100%" from France, to expressions of admiration for Japan's strength and dignity. Others were poignant.

"Those who have already left us let us know life is so fragile, and those who are alive let us know life is so strong," said one from China.

The company, known for its concept designs, said it came up with the bra after receiving messages of support from branch companies around the world, along with relief supplies. The bra is not for sale.

"I read each message myself, and I realized that everyone around the world is sending their support," said 20-year-old Hikaru Kawai, who modeled the outfit. "So I decided that I needed to do my best as well."

Nearly 26,000 people were killed or are unaccounted for after the disaster, which triggered the world's biggest nuclear crisis since Chernobyl in 1986 -- and which a few messages couldn't resist alluding to.

"Our thoughts are with you! Future without nuclear power, for our children!" read a message from Greece.

Previous efforts from the company have included a solar-powered bra and a "Welcome to Japan" bra, which featured greetings in three different languages.

Well, the people of Japan must feel better now.  We can all put this earthquake/tsunami/nuclear disaster behind us because we have underwear with encouraging messages.  Unless this underwear somehow prevents radiation poisoning, I don't know how this really helps.  They would be better off with that solar-powered bra the company came out with previously.  With all the rolling black outs in Japan, at least chicks could have charged an iPod or something.

-Big Ran

Humpday Holla-back

I've been sitting on this idea for a humpday holla-back for a while now, waiting for just the right time. Given that the Celtics are down 1-3, the weather is crappy, and it's still not Friday, I figured we all could use an absolutely amazing video. So, enjoy this wonderful creation from MC Hammer, oops sorry, Hammer, BEFORE he filed bankruptcy.

MC Hammer - Pumps in a Bump

Ok, so I'm writing my commentary under the assumption that you haven't gone blind during the viewing of this video. Have you stopped laughing yet? What is going on here? This makes "Rico Suave" look like a country music video. Obviously, he must have borrowed his phone from Zack Morris and the Saved By The Bell kids, and, I'm not sure WHERE he got the Speedo. It's zebra striped! It's unbelievable! And speaking of the Speedo, what are the odds that it's stuffed with tube socks? Parents complain about how things are so out of control on TV today, but guess what everyone? I think this is probably one of the most 'inappropriate' things ever and I fully support it! (The video and the, well, you know...)

And, even though I firmly believe that Speedos should be outlawed, have you ever seen anyone wearing one with a pair of lifting gloves and black combat boots? Oh, you haven't? Well, you have now! No one will make fun of you as long as you pair the banana hammock with combat boots. What is that move he's doing at the one minute mark? This same move, or variation of it, is featured throughout the video and I'm just not sure what to say. Fortunately, despite the over stimulation caused by all the action and colors,  this video is very simple. Hammer found out he was going to be forced into foreclosure because he supported all his homies and mismanaged his money. So, he figured he'd throw one last party with a mandatory dress code: For women, you could only come if you wore a bikini and pumps. For men, you can't upstage the Hammer's hammer, so you have to wear shorts or be fully clothed. He's the host, he gets to wear the festive Speedo.  And men? Only a few of you could attend, so make sure you get there early!

The bump? I know that he was clearly referring too the women's asses, especially when he spits the hot fire; "I don't like 'em stiggity fat! (No!) I like 'em stiggity stacked (Yeah!) You wiggity wiggity wack if you ain't got biggity back (Awwww!)". However, ironically enough, I think the 'bump' may also be referring to what is so clearly presented in the Zeedo (Zebra Speedo, like that?).

Around the 2:40 mark, a think a call to 911 is in order because that chick is having a seizure. Clearly too much time out in the sun, she must be dehydrated. And at 3:00, the pool party seems to end for the guys as they are all fully clothed, including Hammer. For the women? They have to stay in their bumps and bikinis and wait around for the dance routine performed at the 3:30 mark. Once this happens, EVERYONE can change into their evening wear and get ready to dance the night away.  A++. Beautiful. When is he dropping his next hit?

P.S. If anyone knows where I can get a pair of sunglasses like his and a speedo like that, please let me know. Summer is coming and I'd like Mr. KC Jones to give it a shot. We can find the combat boots on our own.

-KC Jones

Carmelo Anthony Bought a Camel. I Repeat, Carmelo Anthony Bought a Camel.

carmeloanthony Carmelo Anthony 

Everybody got dogs and cats as pets, I got a camel!http://say.ly/PSTjry

Did you ever have one of those days where you weren't sure if it was real life?  Like, am I in the friggin' Matrix right now?  I had some weird ass dreams last night, one where I really thought I was awake, went into the bathroom and everything was just a bit off.  There was a delay between when I said things and when I heard them, my bathroom was the same, but rotated 90 degrees.  Weird stuff that I blamed on a combination of Benadryl and red wine last night.  So, when I saw this posted on Twitter, I began to questions if I was still dreaming.

First of all, who the f*ck buys a camel.  Like, what can you possibly do with this?  Ride it?  Secondly, why does 'Melo look like he just finished up work at a middle of the road investment firm.  Dude was just buying and selling mutual funds for clients until the market closed, then wandered down to the pet store to buy a camel.  I am so confused.

-Big Ran

-KC Jones says: Hey Big Ran, he's also working on a Hiram  right now as well. La-La thought she was his main bitch, but she better axe somebody!! Also, he'll be ridin' dirty into MSG on his camel opening night in October.....all the other players have Caddies, so he got a Cammy....


Big Ran Addition:  Anyone think Carmelo must be just like this:

KC Jones: I do, I do!!!

Gangsta Grandma Robbing Fat Chicks!

Fontana, CA - A robber on the loose in Fontana turned Mother’s Day into a frightening experience for one local woman, who said the criminal was actually an elderly woman packing a gun.

Fontana police confirmed that a woman believed to be in her 80s held up another woman who was waiting for her husband in the parking lot of Kohl’s. The victim, who is nine months pregnant, said the robbery occurred in broad daylight, around 11:00 a.m. Sunday.

The alleged victim, who only identified herself as “Shelly,” talked to KCAL9 reporter Nicole Gonzales.

“When she approached me. She seemed like a nice old lady that might need directions, that’s what I was thinking,” she said. “I just thought, I’m dead. I kind of froze, and freaked out a little bit.”

The alleged perp is described as a white woman, 5 feet 2 inches tall and about 140 pounds. Shelly said the woman was wearing black sunglasses, blue jeans and kept a pink flowered scarf over her face. “She pointed her gun at me, said ‘Excuse me, ma’am. I need your purse.’ She pointed the gun at me and took off.”

She made her getaway in a black sedan, possibly a Dodge Neon, with tinted windows and a missing hubcap.

The elderly assailant got away with the victim’s purse.

Shelly and her baby are both fine, but, she said, “It’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened in my life.”

The comments on the article are awesome!  I cannot believe people take themselves so seriously on these things.  Anyway, the first thing I thought of was this lady:

Good luck finding an 80 year old Caucasian lady, they all look they same anyway. My two favorite parts from this story are the fact that the elderly gangsta's hoopdie had tinted windows and that she did it on MOTHER'S DAY!  That's friggin' great.

-Big Ran

Irrational Rant....The Bearded Lady

I don't know about you guys, but I can't think of anything I find more disgusting than women with facial hair. Wait just a second and let me explain my position before any of you start calling me a jerk (or worse!). I know it's not my face, so some might argue that I should mind my business. However, I counter that by saying that since I have to look at it, it IS my business. And,  I'm just saying this: It's 2011, not 1102, and we have plenty of ways to eradicate unwanted facial hair. And, if you're a woman, facial hair SHOULD always be unwanted. Any female who is okay with it should probably join a traveling circus.

Many times I've been out in public, or on an elevator at work and I've seen a woman with a 5 o'clock shadow that rivals what most men are sporting after a day or two of not shaving. Listen, I'm half Italian, and that could very easily be me, but fortunately I dodged that bullet.  I know it's not their fault, but it IS their responsibility to clean it up! And fortunately, in this day and age, there are a plethora of wonderful hair removal products and processes in all price ranges---some are even permanent solutions! 

Available at all drugstores, grocery stores, etc, under $10!

So, if you are an "XX" chromosome and have a hairy upper lip, sideburns, a goatee, unibrow, or hair on your cheeks, either remove it or stay in the house forever. I get so sick to my stomach when I see this, especially when I know it's such a quick and easy fix. What, are these (wo)men afraid of a little pain from waxing, tweezing, laser, or electrolysis? Oh, that's right, I guess the emotional pain of being shunned by society is far easier to deal with. It's bad enough when it is a 90 year old woman looking like this, but at that point, at least you can rationalize and hope that maybe she's so demented she doesn't see it. Because, other than being legally blind, there is no other acceptable excuse for this. (Note: If my mother ever has this issue and doesn't address it, I will put her in a headlock and take care of it myself---otherwise, I would expect to be charged with elder abuse as her caretaker. What can I say, sometimes love hurts!)

Ok, ok, maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get the point!

This issue became particularly upsetting to me one day when I was at the mall. I'm in The Gap (where white people and Kanye West shop), and I saw this middle age woman with her very awkward teenage daughter (probably around 13 or 14). Well, I don't know what kind of care she was getting because the poor girl had a dark black mustache AND a unibrow. Come on lady!  The teenage years are hard enough and kids are so cruel, so why are you letting HER walk around looking like she's your son? Apparently she didn't understand this.  Listen, I'm sure she loves her, regardless of appearance, as any parent would. However, most parents I know would have had that situation rectified ASAP. I'm thinking this might qualify as child abuse.

Takes 5 minutes, max and gives weeks of relief to the general public!

We live in a world where women are suppose to be equal to men, but apparently some of them need clarification. Yes, you can be their equal, but you don't have to LOOK like one!

-KC Jones

That's What I'm Talking About!

Study Shows Most Successful People Work Four Hours a Day

Yahoo Canada - It sounds too good to be true: Leave work earlyfor greater success on the job.

Psychological Review recently published a study that claims that the key to success is working hard in short bursts of time.

It comes down to focus and choosing specific tasks over multitasking and taking breaks.

The study found that "deliberate" four-hourviolin rehearsals accomplished more than seven-hour sessions of steady practice. The best performers set specific goals, practiced with greater intensity for shorter periods of time, and took planned breaks.

The study graphed their hours of productivity, noting that the most intense periods of work were before noon and again after 4. Eventually they found that successful individuals in other professions mirrored this work-less-for-success model.

Business Insider quotes the study:

"While completing a novel, famous authors tend to write only for 4 hours during the morning, leaving the rest of the day for rest and recuperation. Hence successful authors, who can control their work habits and are motivated to optimize their productivity, limit their most important intellectual activity to a fixed daily amount when working on projects requiring long periods of time to complete."

Tim Ferriss' bestselling The 4-Hour Workweek made similar conclusions, subscribing to the Pareto principle; 80 percent of outputs come from 20 per cent on inputs.

So instead of slaving away for 12 hours a day, try focused work intervals; your new-found productivity will set you up for success.

Do I care that this came from Canada, America's Hat?  Meh, maybe, maybe not.  When you have a study that backs up your own, unfounded theories, you take it and you run with it.  My job is very streaky; sometimes I can go days without doing any real work, then other times when I am working 12 plus hours a day for weeks at a time.  Most of the time, when it is more normal, I could easily finish all my work in 3 days a week, or 5 half days, essentially.  So, do I bring this up at one of my favorite staff meetings or do I slip it into my self appraisal?

-Big Ran

PS:  How awesome are those dudes in the picture.  They totally look Canadian.

KC Jones concurs with your thoughts Big Ran. Like last week, I worked over 60 hours, my eyes were about to bleed and I was so foul I was about to lose my mind. This week, I'm still steady, and next week, I'll  have a lighter work load. I think most people would agree except for those who are 'so important' and they will be highlighted in future "Office Etiquette" posts.

PPS: The dudes are awesome. AND how about this: Canada: The Hideous Growth on the forehead of the United States while Mexico is the Painful Hemorrhoid on the Ass of the United States. HOLLA!


*Big Ran Note - Don't forget Mexican food.  I mean, Mexican food is friggin' awesome and makes all the drug killings easier to rationalize in my mind.  I actually love Canada, well, I loved Canada when the exchange rate was awesome for Americans.

Hide Yo' Wives, 'cause He's Terminatin' Err'body....

 

Despite the fact that the Celtics lost last night, I am in a wonderful mood today! Why, you ask? Well, if you're a female and you've heard the news, you know why!!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver Separate

 

Yup! That's right ladies! We've only had to wait 25 years to get this piece of man meat back on our plates! Who cares that you can barely understand a word he says and that he's a human robot. Seriously, what's not to love? I don't know how I'm going to break the news to Mr. KC Jones, but I think we're through! And husbands? Hide your kids, hide your wives, because he's terminating err'body up in this place! Big Ran, this includes you too!

Rumor has it they've been having trouble for a while, but I think Arnold was growing more and more terrified of Maria's strong jawline, which seems to be getting bigger than his! Seriously, she's like a human nutcracker with that jaw, not to mention the spitting image of Ted Kennedy. Could you imagine being Arnold, waking up with Ted Kennedy's clone each morning?

 

And just when I thought the news couldn't get any better, I discover this juicy piece of information on People Magazine's Website:  "there have been reports he'll re-start his movie career, including a role in another Terminator film." YESSSSSSSSSSS! 

 

I can die happy if he also resurrects his body building career:

 

Funny, the Nazis used to strike this same pose....

Who needs Michael Jordan when you have Arnold wearing your kicks?

It's so nice he did this naturally.

Does this make my jaw look big?

 -KC Jones

Tuesday Trivia...

So, here's something I think I USED to know the answer to but have forgotten in my old age:

Why is the Republican Party represented by an elephant and why is the Democratic Party represented by a donkey?

Here's the most concise answer, copied in from factmonster (check them out!):

The Democratic Donkey and the Republican Elephant

Ever wondered what the story was behind these two famous party animals?
The now-famous Democratic donkey was first associated with Democrat Andrew Jackson's 1828 presidential campaign. His opponents called him a jackass (a donkey), and Jackson decided to use the image of the strong-willed animal on his campaign posters. Later, cartoonist Thomas Nast used the Democratic donkey in newspaper cartoons and made the symbol famous.

Nast invented another famous symbol—the Republican elephant. In a cartoon that appeared in Harper's Weekly in 1874, Nast drew a donkey clothed in lion's skin, scaring away all the animals at the zoo. One of those animals, the elephant, was labeled “The Republican Vote.” That's all it took for the elephant to become associated with the Republican Party.
Democrats today say the donkey is smart and brave, while Republicans say the elephant is strong and dignified.


*Personally, I think pretty much all politicians should be represented by the donkey, because they are all jackasses!*

Hope you've enjoyed this edition of "Tuesday Trivia".

-KC Jones

Big Ran Note:  These are both terrible animals to represent political parties.  If I was Obama, I would change this before the next election and let the Republicans do it as well.  If I am his advisor, I tell him to surf the wave of his best week ever and get really fired up and say:  "We found Osama.  We killed him.  The US political parties deserve some kick-ass animals representing them.  So, we're going to vote on what the new animals will be.  Now, I'm off to put the wood to Michelle...again."

For the Democrats, I think they should have a wolf.  How sweet would a Democratic wolf pack be?  I would vote for that so hard.  Wolves are awesome and badass.  Canines are the balls.

For the Republicans, they probably want something classy, so they could have a Clydesdale.  That would be cool too.  They represent strength and beer.  How much better would this be?

Democratic Wolfpack

VS.

Republican Clydesdales

That would be awesome and they could even make cute cartoon and stuffed animal ones for kids.

Kick ass t-shirt update:

Nuggets of Love

Charlotte Observer - A Rock Hill student has been suspended indefinitely from elementary school after witnesses say he threatened to stab another student.

Officers spoke with an employee at Sunset Park Elementary School who said last week the 10-year-old told another student that if he didn't give him his chicken nuggets he would stab him, according to a Rock Hill police report. Nothing more happened between the two.

Another student who witnessed the incident reported he had also been threatened with a knife from the same boy, according to the report.

The knife was recovered in the student's book bag, the report states. He has since been suspended indefinitely and recommended for expulsion.

Neither student wishes to press charges against the student, the report states.

No kidding these students don't want to press charges.  If a dude is willing to stab you for nugs, he is capable of anything, especially taking your nugs.  Honestly, nugs in school are like cigarettes in prison, they're currency.  You need to copy homework?  Trade that geek some nugs.  You want Susie to be your girlfriend?  Give her your nugs.  Protect your nugs.

When I was in college, for some inexplicable reason, Chicken Nugget Night was ALWAYS packed, lines going out the door.  You better get there early or else you are not going to get your nugs. 

As soon as I heard this story, I thought of Latarian Milton, the 7 year old that took his grandmothers car for a joy ride and smoked real cigarettes, then got in trouble for hitting his grandmother in a Walmart because he wanted a hot dog or something.  I could see him mugging someone for chicken nugs.

  

Honestly, I'm writing about anything I can just to not think about the Celtics game last night.  And, if you don't want me to ruin chicken nugs for you, don't keep reading...

This is the mechanically separated meat used for nugs.  It's all the parts they couldn't or wouldn't use for something else.  I haven't eaten nugs since seeing this.

-Big Ran

*KC Jones:  I will probably never eat them again now either, but maybe that's cotton candy...or maybe it's just building insulation. Either way, thank GOD my tater tots are still safe...