Irrational Rant...Flavored Fucking Coffee

 This one is right at the top of my list for being really innocuous, but pissing me off to no end.  Our office has some sort of contract with Green Mountain and we must get boxes full of every variety they make.  Regular coffee?  Great, let's do it.  However, let me run through the flavors we have on a regular basis: blueberry, southern pecan, mocha fudge nut, rain forest nut, Canadian bacon, and vanilla-caramel.

OK, no Canadian Bacon, but they might as well make it.  At least regular bacon, I would actually try that. Blueberry coffee?  Fuck you.  If you like blueberry coffee you really need to reevaluate your life and priorities.  Southern pecan?  I was in St. Louis for a business trip once and went into a bakery and ordered a pecan roll, pronouncing it like any Masshole would, "pee-can."  The woman promptly corrected me and asked me if I wanted a pecan roll (pronounced the right way).  Fuck you, lady.  You've got a stupid arch in the middle of your terrible downtown and Nelly.  That's it.  We've got the best colleges and universities, the best hospitals, and the American Revolution started here.  We fucking invented freedom.  Boom.  Mocha fudge nut?  How the fuck do you put the essence of nut in coffee?  Deez nuts?  I know how you can get that flavor.  Rain forest nut?  What the fuck does that even mean?  This flavor better cure some illness or give me the virility of a viking snorting Viagra because that is a terrible idea for a flavor.  Vanilla-caramel?  Whatever, that's kind of normal, but I still don't want it.

I roll down to get some coffee ion the morning and I am always scared that it will be one of these idiotic flavors.  Just terrible.  I mean, on a day like today, mid-40s and raining, I just want a little pep in my step from the caffeine.  Instead, there is some flavored mess of coffee, I get pissed, won't drink it and spend the whole day feeling like Curt Cobain circa April 5th, 1994.  

Too much?

-Big Ran