Office Etiquette

Have you ever been sitting in your cube and been overtaken with the nauseating smell of fish, curry, or some other objectionable aroma? Have you ever been trying to concentrate and been distracted by someone crunching away in the aisle next to you? Have you ever had someone in your cube but you can't hear what they're saying because your cube neighbor is slurping away? Take consolation in knowing that most other people in the working world have suffered the same injustices as well! In order to vent and educate the general public, I'd like to provide some basic guidelines for grazing in the office.

The Takeover's Rules for Cubicle (and Office) Cuisine:

1. Not every type of food should be brought into your office or cube. Just because YOU like the smell of fish (or curry, or egg salad, etc), doesn't mean everyone else does.  As a matter of fact, I LOVE fish, but the smell? Not so much. And, when we're working in close quarters in large buildings where the windows are bolted shut to prevent us from jumping, any particularly pungent food should be reserved for consumption in the cafeteria or NOT AT ALL. Every Tuesday is "Indian Buffet" day at my company. While I have NO interest in this sort of food, I have no problem with it as long as it's kept in the cafeteria. Unfortunately, many people are inconsiderate and feel that it is okay to feast on it from the comfort of their cubes. FAIL! The only exception to this rule is when someone has let you in on a secret. For example, a good buddy of mine, whom we shall call Malcolm, used to bring fish up to his cube every Friday. It was gross and enraging until he let us in on his motivation: He was doing it to irritate the hell out of the biggest witch with a 'b' who sat in front of him. And it DID irritate her, and she was VERY loud about it. She was so awful to EVERYONE, so as soon as I learned of his reasons, I was actually very supportive. She didn't last too long in our department and there's no more fish on Fridays.

2. Dispose of Properly: When you are done with your food, assess the situation. Is the trash left behind something that will fester and nauseate those around you if you dump it into the bin in your cube? If the answer is 'yes' (think: leftover salad with strong dressing, anything with sauce, a bite of a tuna sandwich, etc), get your lazy ass up and bring it to the trash in a common area where it will not bother people. This is so simple I shouldn't even have to say it. If you lack the common sense or consideration to follow this rule, you should have your tongue cut out so you can no longer enjoy food.

3. Snack time: If you're anything like me, you pretty much have to eat constantly, so you have a wide array of snacks on hand at all times. This is great, except when people use their snacks as "Weapons of Mass Distraction". What does this mean, you ask? Snacks become weapons when someone is crunching super loudly for WAY longer than need be (chips, carrots, pretzels, are frequent offenders) or when someone is slurping away or making another type of disgusting/disruptive noise with every sip or bite. We have a dude here who I refer to as "Captain Crunch". EVERY day he has at least three snacks that result in extended periods of chomping and crunching. As a matter of fact, he's doing it RIGHT NOW! It's SO annoying to the people who sit around him. How in God's name is he unaware of how obnoxious it is? People have to pull out headphones at certain times in order to drown him out so they can focus on their work. Thank GOD I don't have to sit next to this distraction. Also, in a former department of mine, we had 'the slurper'. This guy needs to be put down anyway because he's just offensive in EVERY way. (In future "Office Etiquette" posts, I will address  "The Slurper" in greater detail). With every sip, he would toss your concentration right off the tracks. Unacceptable. One of these days, someone is going to go toss his hot and steamy beverage right on his lap and laugh. And I won't blame them.

4. Produce: Sometimes we choose to get bad snacks instead of eating the healthy food we bring in from home. This is all fun and games until the fruit sitting on someone's desk begins to rot. General rule: two days. If you haven't eaten it in two days, please get rid of it. No one wants to smell rotting bananas or be chased around the office by an aggressive pack of fruit flies. 

5. Cleanup time: If you do eat in your cube, please clean up after yourself. There's nothing more disgusting than entering someone's cube or office for something work related and leaving with a grease stain on the paper you're holding or with crumbs on your sleeves because you rested your arm on their desk. Even worse is having your hand stick when you put it on someone's desk.  Seriously, have some pride people. Would you do this at home? If the answer is "yes", then you're gross and you should stay there instead of coming to work each day.


 -KC Jones