Rapture Rescheduled...

Just a quick update, be sure to mark your calendars for October 21, 2011. Apparently, our boy Hal was 5 months off. This is good news for all of us though as we'll be able to enjoy our summer (if it ever stops raining) and the beginning of the nice fall weather before we are picked off the planet. Also, I feel better knowing that our original playlists and menu items won't be going to waste. Guess we'll just have to focus on other things until then....

God: 2, Camping: 0

-KC Jones

Rapture Take Three...

Ok, so it's Monday, May 23rd and "The Rapture" was scheduled for Saturday, May 21st. We're all still here, so I guess there were some miscalculations. Hey, it happens, right? Sometimes predicting the end of the world is more difficult than it seems.  Personally, I'm just bummed that our playlists are null and void now. But I'm thinking of Harold (can I call him Hal?) Camping and how embarrassing this must be. Actually, for him, I'm sure it's not embarrassing at all because he's clearly a headcase. So, in his honor, I'd like to toss out another playlist of the songs he might be listening to right now as he reflects on his mistake and gears up for his next attempt:

"Harold Camping's Recalculating The Rapture Mix"

1. "Oops I Did It Again"-Britney Spears: Yup, Hal 'did it again', 'it' being incorrectly predicting the end of the world.

2. "I Missed Again"-Phil Collins: Like the great former Genesis front man sings, "I'm waiting in line, but it seems like I wasted my time...cause I missed again!"

3. "You're Only Human (Second Wind)"-Billy Joel: Hal, don't be so hard on yourself, like Mr. Joel says, "you're only human, you're SUPPOSE to make mistakes!"

4. "Still Standing"-Elton John: Pretty self-explanatory

5. "Stayin' Alive"- Bee Gees: Because it looks like, "whether (we're) a a brother or whether (we're a mother), we'll be stayin' alive"

6. "Try Again"-Aaliyah: He needs to remember that 'if first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again' (and again, and maybe even again after that!)

7. "Made You Look"-Nas: Maybe this was all just a publicity stunt and he achieved the end goal of making all of us look in one way or another.

8. "It Wasn't Me"-Shaggy: At this point, being wrong twice publicly might be a little embarrassing, so I can understand if he tries to deny, deny, deny....

9. "Blame It"-T-Pain: Once he finds out that he can't say it wasn't him (track 9)-I'm sure he's going to blame it on the alcohol)

10. "My Favorite Mistake"-Sheryl Crow

11. "Just My Imagination"-The Temptations: And, in conclusion, that's really all it was, his imagination, running away with him!


I can see it now. Harold at his desk with calendars, a bible (notice, not THE BIBLE because he's CLEARLY not following that) telescopes, sundials, and maps, recalculating. I'm keeping all my playlists and my non-perishables in anticipation of the Real Rapture.

-KC Jones

*Big Ran Addition:

End of Days is Here, Macho Man Raptured Just Ahead of the Deadline

TMZ - Florida Highway Patrol tells TMZ ... Savage was driving his 2009 Jeep Wrangler when he veered across the concrete median ... through oncoming traffic ... and "collided head-on with a tree."

Savage was transported to Largo Medical center, where he died from his injuries.

Savage's wife was a passenger in the vehicle during the collision -- but survived with "minor injuries." She was transported to a different local hospital where she was treated.


Forget everything we have written, it's official, the Rapture has started.  Mach Man clearly needed to head out early in order to become one of the four horsemen.


Everybody pour a little out and snap into a Slim Jim for Randy tonight.


-Big Ran

Big Ran's Rapture Remix

I LOVE KC's Rapture Mix, so I figured I would bring one to the party too. I should probably not only burn it on a CD, but also put it on a tape just in case any technology made after 1994 (last Rapture date from Harold Camping) doesn't work. KC's Dad's 8 track should be fine too.

1.  The Hives - Tick, Tick, Boom
"It's too late, it's too soon, or is it tick, tick, tick, boom"  Pretty self explanatory. Plus, I wanna be fired up for the rapture.



2.  Muse - Time is Running Out



3.  When the Last Time
"When the last time you heard it like this, some sumptin', drink sumptin' get ripped, make the girls in the party just strip, move ya a$$ girl."  YESSSSSS, sign me up for that Rapture party cause you know nobody in there is floating upstairs.



4. Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
I went to a Billy Idol concert like 6 years ago and it was AWESOME.  I got four tickets for $14 and it was probably the best show I have every seen.  Plus, I sat next to two women who went out to lunch with Billy Idol in like 1984...to Burger King.  For this song, I may be dancing with myself when everyone else floats away.  The video has the bonus of having an zombie apocalypse theme.



5.  Bloc Party - Banquet
Probably won't be much to eat post Rapture, live it up while you can.



6.  The Bravery - An Honest Mistake
That's what I'll be telling God while I'm in Purgatory.  Plus, Jay Z called this the dopest video ever made by a bunch of white boys.



7.  Get Boys - Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta
Rapture or no Raptue, Ima keep it real.




8.  Folk Implosion - Nothing Gonna Stop
Dope beat for when you wanna keep the party going post Rapture.



9.  Nine Inch Nails - Survivalism
This will get you going when you need to fight off zombies.  Plus, anytime someone uses the term "doppelganger" in your lyrics, that's a win in my book.



10.  Biggie - Hypnotize
From the album "Life After Death."  Plus, this has to be one of the best songs in the history of the erf.  Also, it transitions nicely to our after party.



Bonus After Party Re-population Remix
After the Rapture, we're gonna have to repopulate right?  Time to get it going and get to laying your woman down by the fire.

Usher - Yeah
This is on my desert island mix.  or, in this case, my Rapture Remix.  Time to get your grind on.  Also, it will probably be good to have an example of good dancing post rapture.



JT - Sexy Back
Anyone who doesn't honestly LOVE this song is a God damned communist.  In that case, you're a Godless heathen and burning at this point of the party anyway.



Al Green - I'm So Tired of being Alone (really any Al Green Song here)
Time for intercourse.



-Big Ran

-KC Jones loves this playlist and is hoping Big Ran makes two copies in each type of format. The 8 track player is gone though, so I guess we'll just have to rely upon CDs, tapes, and vinyl. KC Jones' father still does drop the needle on the record from time to time. 

Super Terrific Happy Hour!

Prepare for the Rapture, B!TCHES!!!!!!  Don't wait until Friday!

I have no idea how to read this.

Fail.

That dude is right, Bosh's wang?  2 inches.

PS:  If it prevents the Heat from winning an NBA title, bring on the Rapture.

-Big Ran

KC Jones says: Since the Celtics have been eliminated, there's really no point in continuing on, I want the Rapture, where the Rapture at?! I wonder how Mobile, Alabama would react to news of the Rapture?



*Big Ran Note:  I wanna know where the rapture at!  Who else wants the rapture say YEAH!
Good thing I have that special rapture zombie flute passed down from my great great grandfather.  Best gift ever starting on Saturday.

Something Suddenly Came Up...

This is the best. I wonder if anyone actually got a 'save the date' announcement in their mailbox? I got one last week for a friend's wedding...Thank GOD I didn't know about this billboard then or else I would have been sadly disappointed when I realized that the invite DIDN'T pertain to The Rapture. I don't think Jesus is giving anyone a head's up when He returns, I'm just sayin'. Think about it. The Board of Health doesn't give a restaurant a heads up, because they know they'll clean up! Why would Jesus give us a heads up? He knows that it will just result in us being on our best behavior and He already knows how we are.

-KC Jones

Rapture vs. Voicemail Light - What's More Terrifying?

Everyday I drive past one of the Rapture billboards and since we are coming up on it this Saturday, we might as well cover all the bases.  However, I do have one honest question:  today, like right now, when you are at work, what causes you more stress, preparing for the Rapture or when you walk into your cube/office/cell and see that red light on your office phone?  I'm going to go over the possibilities of each.

First up, the dreaded work voicemail.  Honestly, I have never received a message at work that was good news or benefited me professionally or personally.  Literally, every message I get means more work or someone bitching about something I did (or didn't do).  If I walk into my office in the morning and that red light is on, honestly, that's a terrible start to the day and I literally do anything else possible to put off listening to that message.  I also travel a good amount for work, and when I am out of the office I NEVER check my voicemail.  I don't even know how to because there is some convoluted way to get to our messages.  Some obscene combination of numbers and symbols to get there.  I know I hate voicemails, so why bother listening to them from the road when I know I can't do anything about it, and just stress myself out further?

Honestly, there's not much we can do about it, right?  I mean, at this point you're either in or you're out I guess.  I can see being nervous or anxious, but at least you won't have more work to do right?  I guess if anything you can do less.  I go to work now so I can pay bills.  Post-Rapture, I might work for a couple more weeks so I can buy some guns and sit on my front porch.  That's what I picture myself doing for the Apocalypse.  Maybe have some people over, make sure to have some dry ice (it's going to be hot) for the cooler, and some shotguns to ward off the zombies.  For some reason I always picture myself somehow transforming into a Ninja/Navy Seal in a post-Apocalyptic movie.  Just kicking ass, saving hot chicks and puppies, and having tons of awesome one-liners.  Say I'm roaming the bombed out country side in my non-anti-semitic Mad Max mobile and I come upon a super market.  My dog and I (always have to have a dog) go in to stock up on supplies and in the bakery section I see some zombie dude about to eat a really hot chick, and I kill him before he finishes the job.  Then, I say:  "That's the way the cookie crumbles."  That would be awesome.  

So, I guess Rapture wins in being less terrifying than a voicemail because in this scenario I become awesome and don't have to go into an office, versus still having to go to work and being pissed off.  

-Big Ran

PS:  This may be the official Rapture music video.  First of all, the band is "The Rapture."  Second of all, the song is pretty tight.  Third, what better way to go through the Rapture than a roller skating party.  I think we may have an official Rapture activity.

KC Jones thinks that few things are more terrifying than the red voicemail light on her office phone. She's actually avoiding checking hers as we speak.

Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife, Cause the Rapture Takin' Errbody (Well, Some I Guess)

It figures I schedule a weekend getaway with my wife on the same day as the rapture.  The traffic is probably going to be terrible.  Good thing I booked the hotel like six weeks ago, huh?  Do you think God will be pissed that I planned on spending this weekend touring breweries, napping, and going to restaurants, while he is getting his rapture on?  Like, I'm not going to interfere at all and I figure that if anything, there will be shorter lines throughout the course of the weekend. 

Now I went to Catholic schools through college, (K-16 baby!) and I don't know my Bible so well, but why would the Rapture be on a Saturday?  Is it because God wants to get it done so he can rest on Sunday?  One of my favorite weekend activities that I can never really pull off anymore is napping on my couch while sort of watching a Red Sox game, so maybe God likes to do that too and wants to get his work out of the way on Saturday.  That makes sense.  However, I feel like he should give people one last chance to get to Church on Sunday, like cramming for a big exam.  I think a wise and benevolent God would do that.

What's everyone planning to do for the Rapture?  Anyone having a party or anything?  

-Big Ran

KC Jones is also wondering how the Mayans feel about this as they are predicting 2012 as the end of the world. Someone is clearly wrong and I guess we'll find out come Saturday. I think the Big Guy knows what he's doing and clearly he's having a good laugh up there as he watches some of His creations posting billboards and making signs to prepare for the end....anyway....um, I gotta go, I think I just saw a locust scamper past my cube.... YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!