I've been sitting on this idea for a humpday holla-back for a while now, waiting for just the right time. Given that the Celtics are down 1-3, the weather is crappy, and it's still not Friday, I figured we all could use an absolutely amazing video. So, enjoy this wonderful creation from MC Hammer, oops sorry, Hammer, BEFORE he filed bankruptcy.
MC Hammer - Pumps in a Bump
Ok, so I'm writing my commentary under the assumption that you haven't gone blind during the viewing of this video. Have you stopped laughing yet? What is going on here? This makes "Rico Suave" look like a country music video. Obviously, he must have borrowed his phone from Zack Morris and the Saved By The Bell kids, and, I'm not sure WHERE he got the Speedo. It's zebra striped! It's unbelievable! And speaking of the Speedo, what are the odds that it's stuffed with tube socks? Parents complain about how things are so out of control on TV today, but guess what everyone? I think this is probably one of the most 'inappropriate' things ever and I fully support it! (The video and the, well, you know...)
And, even though I firmly believe that Speedos should be outlawed, have you ever seen anyone wearing one with a pair of lifting gloves and black combat boots? Oh, you haven't? Well, you have now! No one will make fun of you as long as you pair the banana hammock with combat boots. What is that move he's doing at the one minute mark? This same move, or variation of it, is featured throughout the video and I'm just not sure what to say. Fortunately, despite the over stimulation caused by all the action and colors, this video is very simple. Hammer found out he was going to be forced into foreclosure because he supported all his homies and mismanaged his money. So, he figured he'd throw one last party with a mandatory dress code: For women, you could only come if you wore a bikini and pumps. For men, you can't upstage the Hammer's hammer, so you have to wear shorts or be fully clothed. He's the host, he gets to wear the festive Speedo. And men? Only a few of you could attend, so make sure you get there early!
The bump? I know that he was clearly referring to the women's asses, especially when he spits the hot fire; "I don't like 'em stiggity fat! (No!) I like 'em stiggity stacked (Yeah!) You wiggity wiggity wack if you ain't got biggity back (Awwww!)". However, ironically enough, I think the 'bump' may also be referring to what is so clearly presented in the Zeedo (Zebra Speedo, like that?).
Around the 2:40 mark, a think a call to 911 is in order because that chick is having a seizure. Clearly too much time out in the sun, she must be dehydrated. And at 3:00, the pool party seems to end for the guys as they are all fully clothed, including Hammer. For the women? They have to stay in their bumps and bikinis and wait around for the dance routine performed at the 3:30 mark. Once this happens, EVERYONE can change into their evening wear and get ready to dance the night away. A++. Beautiful. When is he dropping his next hit?
P.S. If anyone knows where I can get a pair of sunglasses like his and a speedo like that, please let me know. Summer is coming and I'd like Mr. KC Jones to give it a shot. We can find the combat boots on our own.
-KC Jones
Friday, May 20, 2011
Irrational Rant...Performance Reviews
Our blog had some technical difficulties last week, so some posts didn't stay up. I'm reposting this one because I have my actual performance review at 10 AM today! Wish me luck! Wish me luck that you don't hear about me on the evening news!
It's the most wonderful time of the yearrrr!!!!!!!!!!! For my office we are smack dab in the middle of performance review season. In the words of KC Jones, YESSSSSSSSSSS!
What I really love about these performance reviews is the fact that so much time and effort is wasted on the fact that maybe, just maybe, I max out at like a 1.7% raise this year. So, in other words, not nearly enough to even cover the increase in gas prices for my commute. I am actually getting poorer every singe year I work.
The first part of our process is the self appraisal and this is a TON of fun because we get to grade ourselves in like 15 different areas on a five point scale. Now, our company has told us that a score of 3 is good, that means you are doing a commendable job. If you give yourself a 4 you really have to be able to defend it, and if you give yourself a 5, you better be able to not only walk on water, but be able to juggle at the same time, and have found the cure to the common cold.
So, we go through all that, then submit it to our manager. Our manager reads it, completes their appraisal of you, then goes over everything with the head of our department. At that point we have a one-on-one meeting to go over the good, the bad, and the ugly. Think about the cumulative hours that everyone spends on this B.S. All for a 1.7% raise, at most, that we won't get until September. How about this? We skip this b.s and just give me a couple of extra floating holidays. At least I won't have to spend money on gas if I don't want to.
-Big Ran
Hey Big Ran- how about a couple of times years back when, at the end of my reviews, my supervisors at the time slid a post it note across the table to me like we were haggling over the price of a car. I swear to God it happened. Also, how about when I laughed at the total raise and asked for a just a few more vacation days instead and was told 'no'? I heart work!
 |
| I'm giving you a raise! |
What I really love about these performance reviews is the fact that so much time and effort is wasted on the fact that maybe, just maybe, I max out at like a 1.7% raise this year. So, in other words, not nearly enough to even cover the increase in gas prices for my commute. I am actually getting poorer every singe year I work.
The first part of our process is the self appraisal and this is a TON of fun because we get to grade ourselves in like 15 different areas on a five point scale. Now, our company has told us that a score of 3 is good, that means you are doing a commendable job. If you give yourself a 4 you really have to be able to defend it, and if you give yourself a 5, you better be able to not only walk on water, but be able to juggle at the same time, and have found the cure to the common cold.
So, we go through all that, then submit it to our manager. Our manager reads it, completes their appraisal of you, then goes over everything with the head of our department. At that point we have a one-on-one meeting to go over the good, the bad, and the ugly. Think about the cumulative hours that everyone spends on this B.S. All for a 1.7% raise, at most, that we won't get until September. How about this? We skip this b.s and just give me a couple of extra floating holidays. At least I won't have to spend money on gas if I don't want to.
-Big Ran
Hey Big Ran- how about a couple of times years back when, at the end of my reviews, my supervisors at the time slid a post it note across the table to me like we were haggling over the price of a car. I swear to God it happened. Also, how about when I laughed at the total raise and asked for a just a few more vacation days instead and was told 'no'? I heart work!
The Spermantor...
Sorry Arnold, but it looks like "you ARE the father!" I'm thinking your housekeeper was doing a little jig similar to this back in the day when she found out because she knew she was gonna get PAID!
I wonder how it went when she did an unsatisfactory job cleaning. If Maria called something to her attention (dust bunnies, soap scum, etc), do you think she went to Arnold and told him she was gonna let the cat out of the bag if he didn't take care of it himself? Something tells me The Spermanator spent a lot of time over the years with a toilet brush in hand hoping to conceal the scandal....unless, of course, "there was no bathroom"....YESSSSSSSSSS.....
-KC Jones
I wonder how it went when she did an unsatisfactory job cleaning. If Maria called something to her attention (dust bunnies, soap scum, etc), do you think she went to Arnold and told him she was gonna let the cat out of the bag if he didn't take care of it himself? Something tells me The Spermanator spent a lot of time over the years with a toilet brush in hand hoping to conceal the scandal....unless, of course, "there was no bathroom"....YESSSSSSSSSS.....
-KC Jones
Rapture Dance Party
In preparation for "The Rapture" tomorrow, I've put together a playlist and I'll be sending out my Rapture Dance Party E-vite shortly. I mean, if the world is ending, we might as well enjoy some sweet tunes while it's happening. I'll supply the snacks and other treats, just BYOB in case we don't have your favorite:
-KC Jones
*Big Ran Note: I find it amazing that KC can just pull up songs for a list like this like it ain't no thang. Like "The Rapture" and their roller skating party, here is another video that really screams rapture to me. As weird as this video is, I cannot look away.
Aso, a great call by KC on "Final Countdown." Here's an epic version:
Just when I think "The Final Countdown" can't get any better than the original version, Big Ran proves me wrong. Well done, my friend, well done.-KC Jones
- "It's the End of the World" - R.E.M.: and yes, I do feel fine, because I didn't want to continue on with this cube living any damn way.
- "The Final Countdown"-Europe: "We're leaving together, but still it's farewell, And maybe we'll come back to Earth, who can tell?"
- "In the End"-Linkin Park: Because, it's true, "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
- "Thanks for the Memories"-Fall Out Boy: I'll dedicate this one to all of my family and friends.
- "Enter Sandman"-Metallica: "Take my hand, we're off to Never, Never land"
- "Danger"-Mystikal: This is not only a word of warning, but it's also encouraging the listeners (us) to 'get on the floor'--what better way to enjoy "The Rapture" than from the dance floor?
- "24 Hours to Live"-Ma$e: Wow, that's a blast from the past, huh? Philosophical rappers Puff Daddy and Ma$e pose the question: "If you had 24 hours to live... what would you do?" Before reminding us, "That's some deep sh*t right there. A lot of pressure how would you handle it?" Maybe we should take some of his suggestions into consideration. For example, we could, "turn out all the hoes that's heterosexual", "smack conceited n***** right off the pedestal", or "do good sh*t, like take kids from the ghetto, show them what they could have if they never settled". There are plenty of other ideas presented in this ditty as well. Take a listen for yourself.
- "99 Problems"-Jay-Z: Because really, if "The Rapture" does happen, I know that when God and I chat, He's going to have at LEAST 99 problems to address with me. It's been an imperfect 32 years, what can I say?
- "Break on Through"-The Doors: yup, once it gets here, we're all going to be going to the other side.
- "Breathe and Stop"-Q-Tip: Pretty much how I envision the end. One second we'll all be alive and breathing, next second it will all be stopped. And, this is a great dance song, so "The Rapture" party will be on and popping with this in the background.
- "Party All The Time"- This might have nothing to do with "The Rapture" in your opinion. But for me, this song is appropriate for any situation.
- "Until the End of the World"-U2
- "Caught up in the Rapture"-Anita Baker: A nice, slow ballad from 80's R&B diva Anita Baker. What a perfect way to close out the playlist!
-KC Jones
*Big Ran Note: I find it amazing that KC can just pull up songs for a list like this like it ain't no thang. Like "The Rapture" and their roller skating party, here is another video that really screams rapture to me. As weird as this video is, I cannot look away.
Aso, a great call by KC on "Final Countdown." Here's an epic version:
Just when I think "The Final Countdown" can't get any better than the original version, Big Ran proves me wrong. Well done, my friend, well done.-KC Jones
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Forbes Celebrity Top 100
So, Forbes came out with their list of the most powerful celebrities in the world and I just wanted to touch on the top 10 and maybe a few notables in order to avoid doing actual work at my actual job.
10. LeBron F*cking James
Dude holds a TV special to ditch his home team, admits not being able to carry a team, acts like a total douche and is number 10 on the list. I must be no lower than nine. Am I biased. Of course. I am biased against dickweeds.
9. Simon Cowell
I have to admit it, I watch American Idol. Pretty much always agreed with what he had to say and I thought I would miss him on the show. Most of the time I don't miss him at all, but the dude is still a big time producer, has a terrible haircut, and rocks mad chest hair.
8. Bon Jovi
How? How is he the eighth most powerful/influential celebrity? I know he owns an arena football team and is buddies with Bill Belichick. He can still sell out concerts, but I don't get this one. However, his tunes do give my buddy, Danny, major wood.
7. Taylor Swift
This list is officially not geared toward me. Remember a simpler time when everything was geared toward white males 19-40 or whatever. I could not name you one song Taylor Swift sings. Was she in High School Musical? That was big, right? I know she wasn't on American Idol.
6. Tiger Woods
Again, I'm not sure how on this one. He banged tons of skanks, tripped out on Ambien, ran his SUV into a mailbox, and now he sucks at golf. Elin should be higher on the list than he is.
5. Elton John
Old rock star who married a dude way out of his league, so in that regard, he did it right. I'm sure he sells out huge concerts, but he's not doing anything for me.
4. U2
I am going to write this and I already know I am going to piss plenty of people off. U2 is a very good band. They have some great songs. Sunday Bloody Sunday is an epic song. They put on great shows and their Super Bowl Show had to be the best halftime in Super Bowl history. Bono also does a ton for African charities. They still sell out stadiums. This is way too high for them. When a band is this famous, its impossible not to be overrated.
3. Justin Bieber
Biebs. Ahh, behold the power of YouTube. I just can't believe this kid is 17. I cannot wait until his voice changes. When his voice starts cracking, I think he may be ranked a wee bit lower. At least his movie was in 3D. Again, this list is not for me.
2. Oprah
I don't watch Oprah, but I don't have a beef with her. This may be high, but she has had quite a run. Dave Chappelle's skit about being her baby daddy? Some of his best work.
1. Lady Gaga
After seeing the top 10, it is clear that this list is geared toward girls and women ages 10-60. Not handsome male bloggers. OK, Gaga has had a couple huge years, but number one seems high to me. I am not 100% sure she's a woman, and that's cool. I always hear people say that she is a Madonna rip off, but I am not exactly sure, does it really matter? I get the impression that she is a very talented musician and probably puts on a great show. Also, she looks like Marylin Manson.
-Big Ran
PS: A note to Forbes and every other site that has their lists in gallery or slideshow form...YOU SUCK. I know you just do it for more page views and advertising money, but can't you just give me a list for the sake of my own time? If I want to criticize your list and process, let me do it faster!
PPS: I found a list on their site, so forget what I said.
10. LeBron F*cking James
Dude holds a TV special to ditch his home team, admits not being able to carry a team, acts like a total douche and is number 10 on the list. I must be no lower than nine. Am I biased. Of course. I am biased against dickweeds.
9. Simon Cowell
I have to admit it, I watch American Idol. Pretty much always agreed with what he had to say and I thought I would miss him on the show. Most of the time I don't miss him at all, but the dude is still a big time producer, has a terrible haircut, and rocks mad chest hair.
How? How is he the eighth most powerful/influential celebrity? I know he owns an arena football team and is buddies with Bill Belichick. He can still sell out concerts, but I don't get this one. However, his tunes do give my buddy, Danny, major wood.
This list is officially not geared toward me. Remember a simpler time when everything was geared toward white males 19-40 or whatever. I could not name you one song Taylor Swift sings. Was she in High School Musical? That was big, right? I know she wasn't on American Idol.
Again, I'm not sure how on this one. He banged tons of skanks, tripped out on Ambien, ran his SUV into a mailbox, and now he sucks at golf. Elin should be higher on the list than he is.
Old rock star who married a dude way out of his league, so in that regard, he did it right. I'm sure he sells out huge concerts, but he's not doing anything for me.
I am going to write this and I already know I am going to piss plenty of people off. U2 is a very good band. They have some great songs. Sunday Bloody Sunday is an epic song. They put on great shows and their Super Bowl Show had to be the best halftime in Super Bowl history. Bono also does a ton for African charities. They still sell out stadiums. This is way too high for them. When a band is this famous, its impossible not to be overrated.
Biebs. Ahh, behold the power of YouTube. I just can't believe this kid is 17. I cannot wait until his voice changes. When his voice starts cracking, I think he may be ranked a wee bit lower. At least his movie was in 3D. Again, this list is not for me.
I don't watch Oprah, but I don't have a beef with her. This may be high, but she has had quite a run. Dave Chappelle's skit about being her baby daddy? Some of his best work.
After seeing the top 10, it is clear that this list is geared toward girls and women ages 10-60. Not handsome male bloggers. OK, Gaga has had a couple huge years, but number one seems high to me. I am not 100% sure she's a woman, and that's cool. I always hear people say that she is a Madonna rip off, but I am not exactly sure, does it really matter? I get the impression that she is a very talented musician and probably puts on a great show. Also, she looks like Marylin Manson.
-Big Ran
PS: A note to Forbes and every other site that has their lists in gallery or slideshow form...YOU SUCK. I know you just do it for more page views and advertising money, but can't you just give me a list for the sake of my own time? If I want to criticize your list and process, let me do it faster!
PPS: I found a list on their site, so forget what I said.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Everyone, LeBron Has a Cold!
James said Wednesday after the Miami Heat's shootaround that he's been fighting a head cold for the past three days that has been draining him. He said he's been treating it as best as he can with medication and extra rest.
"I'm taking everything you can get from 7-Eleven," James said. "I've been sick since we got here."
While James said the congestion has made it hard to sleep and that it's affecting his energy on the court, he added that's it not so bad it would prevent him from starting Game 2.
James struggled in the Heat's Game 1 loss to the Bulls, scoring just 15 points on 5-of-15 shooting. James did not blame his performance on the illness and has been able to get through all of the Heat's practices and workouts over the last few days.
Just so everyone knows, LeBron has been battling the sniffles. Please excuse any losses against the Bulls because he doesn't have his normal energy. Poor baby.
Gloria must be too busy ridin' dirty with Delonte to get Bron Bron some chicken soup.
-Big Ran
*KC Jones note: So, a multi-millionaire basketball player is suffering w/ the sniffles and the only option he has is 7-Eleven? Interesting. And, Big Ran, Glo and D-West are on vacation, she'll tend to Baby Bron when she gets back.
Super Terrific Happy Hour!
Prepare for the Rapture, B!TCHES!!!!!! Don't wait until Friday!
PS: If it prevents the Heat from winning an NBA title, bring on the Rapture.
-Big Ran
KC Jones says: Since the Celtics have been eliminated, there's really no point in continuing on, I want the Rapture, where the Rapture at?! I wonder how Mobile, Alabama would react to news of the Rapture?
*Big Ran Note: I wanna know where the rapture at! Who else wants the rapture say YEAH!
Good thing I have that special rapture zombie flute passed down from my great great grandfather. Best gift ever starting on Saturday.
 |
| I have no idea how to read this. |
 |
| Fail. |
 |
| That dude is right, Bosh's wang? 2 inches. |
PS: If it prevents the Heat from winning an NBA title, bring on the Rapture.
-Big Ran
KC Jones says: Since the Celtics have been eliminated, there's really no point in continuing on, I want the Rapture, where the Rapture at?! I wonder how Mobile, Alabama would react to news of the Rapture?
*Big Ran Note: I wanna know where the rapture at! Who else wants the rapture say YEAH!
Good thing I have that special rapture zombie flute passed down from my great great grandfather. Best gift ever starting on Saturday.
Lunchtime Look-a-Like
KC touched upon The Terminator's marital troubles earlier this week and that has given me inspiration for today's Lunchtime Look-a-Like. Here are a couple of pictures of the woman Arnold allegedly had an affain and love child with:
Just a thought.
KC Jones
One would think that Arnold could work a higher quality mistress than this, but who knows? My theory is that obviously Arnold is vain and simply wanted to constantly remind himself of one of his greatest roles in the Predator. Look a bit familiar? I think so.
-Big Ran
Hey Big Ran- what's edited out in the top pic? Is it the love child sprouting forth out of her chest cavity? What's the over/under on that kid looking like this:
KC Jones
Something Suddenly Came Up...
This is the best. I wonder if anyone actually got a 'save the date' announcement in their mailbox? I got one last week for a friend's wedding...Thank GOD I didn't know about this billboard then or else I would have been sadly disappointed when I realized that the invite DIDN'T pertain to The Rapture. I don't think Jesus is giving anyone a head's up when He returns, I'm just sayin'. Think about it. The Board of Health doesn't give a restaurant a heads up, because they know they'll clean up! Why would Jesus give us a heads up? He knows that it will just result in us being on our best behavior and He already knows how we are.
-KC Jones
Rapture vs. Voicemail Light - What's More Terrifying?
Everyday I drive past one of the Rapture billboards and since we are coming up on it this Saturday, we might as well cover all the bases. However, I do have one honest question: today, like right now, when you are at work, what causes you more stress, preparing for the Rapture or when you walk into your cube/office/cell and see that red light on your office phone? I'm going to go over the possibilities of each.
First up, the dreaded work voicemail. Honestly, I have never received a message at work that was good news or benefited me professionally or personally. Literally, every message I get means more work or someone bitching about something I did (or didn't do). If I walk into my office in the morning and that red light is on, honestly, that's a terrible start to the day and I literally do anything else possible to put off listening to that message. I also travel a good amount for work, and when I am out of the office I NEVER check my voicemail. I don't even know how to because there is some convoluted way to get to our messages. Some obscene combination of numbers and symbols to get there. I know I hate voicemails, so why bother listening to them from the road when I know I can't do anything about it, and just stress myself out further?
Honestly, there's not much we can do about it, right? I mean, at this point you're either in or you're out I guess. I can see being nervous or anxious, but at least you won't have more work to do right? I guess if anything you can do less. I go to work now so I can pay bills. Post-Rapture, I might work for a couple more weeks so I can buy some guns and sit on my front porch. That's what I picture myself doing for the Apocalypse. Maybe have some people over, make sure to have some dry ice (it's going to be hot) for the cooler, and some shotguns to ward off the zombies. For some reason I always picture myself somehow transforming into a Ninja/Navy Seal in a post-Apocalyptic movie. Just kicking ass, saving hot chicks and puppies, and having tons of awesome one-liners. Say I'm roaming the bombed out country side in my non-anti-semitic Mad Max mobile and I come upon a super market. My dog and I (always have to have a dog) go in to stock up on supplies and in the bakery section I see some zombie dude about to eat a really hot chick, and I kill him before he finishes the job. Then, I say: "That's the way the cookie crumbles." That would be awesome.
So, I guess Rapture wins in being less terrifying than a voicemail because in this scenario I become awesome and don't have to go into an office, versus still having to go to work and being pissed off.
-Big Ran
PS: This may be the official Rapture music video. First of all, the band is "The Rapture." Second of all, the song is pretty tight. Third, what better way to go through the Rapture than a roller skating party. I think we may have an official Rapture activity.
KC Jones thinks that few things are more terrifying than the red voicemail light on her office phone. She's actually avoiding checking hers as we speak.
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