Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Everyone, LeBron Has a Cold!

CHICAGO -- LeBron James won't just be battling the Chicago Bulls' strong defense and raucous crowd for Wednesday night's Game 2 of the Eastern Conference finals.


James said Wednesday after the Miami Heat's shootaround that he's been fighting a head cold for the past three days that has been draining him. He said he's been treating it as best as he can with medication and extra rest.


"I'm taking everything you can get from 7-Eleven," James said. "I've been sick since we got here."
While James said the congestion has made it hard to sleep and that it's affecting his energy on the court, he added that's it not so bad it would prevent him from starting Game 2.


James struggled in the Heat's Game 1 loss to the Bulls, scoring just 15 points on 5-of-15 shooting. James did not blame his performance on the illness and has been able to get through all of the Heat's practices and workouts over the last few days.


Just so everyone knows, LeBron has been battling the sniffles.  Please excuse any losses against the Bulls because he doesn't have his normal energy.  Poor baby.


Gloria must be too busy ridin' dirty with Delonte to get Bron Bron some chicken soup.




-Big Ran

*KC Jones note: So, a multi-millionaire basketball player is suffering w/ the sniffles and the only option he has is 7-Eleven? Interesting. And, Big Ran, Glo and D-West are on vacation, she'll tend to Baby Bron when she gets back. 

Super Terrific Happy Hour!

Prepare for the Rapture, B!TCHES!!!!!!  Don't wait until Friday!

I have no idea how to read this.

Fail.




That dude is right, Bosh's wang?  2 inches.





PS:  If it prevents the Heat from winning an NBA title, bring on the Rapture.

-Big Ran

KC Jones says: Since the Celtics have been eliminated, there's really no point in continuing on, I want the Rapture, where the Rapture at?! I wonder how Mobile, Alabama would react to news of the Rapture?



*Big Ran Note:  I wanna know where the rapture at!  Who else wants the rapture say YEAH!
Good thing I have that special rapture zombie flute passed down from my great great grandfather.  Best gift ever starting on Saturday.

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

KC touched upon The Terminator's marital troubles earlier this week and that has given me inspiration for today's Lunchtime Look-a-Like.  Here are a couple of pictures of the woman Arnold allegedly had an affain and love child with:



One would think that Arnold could work a higher quality mistress than this, but who knows?  My theory is that obviously Arnold is vain and simply wanted to constantly remind himself of one of his greatest roles in the Predator.  Look a bit familiar?  I think so.



-Big Ran

Hey Big Ran- what's edited out in the top pic? Is it the love child sprouting forth out of her chest cavity? What's the over/under on that kid looking like this:
Just a thought.

KC Jones

Something Suddenly Came Up...

This is the best. I wonder if anyone actually got a 'save the date' announcement in their mailbox? I got one last week for a friend's wedding...Thank GOD I didn't know about this billboard then or else I would have been sadly disappointed when I realized that the invite DIDN'T pertain to The Rapture. I don't think Jesus is giving anyone a head's up when He returns, I'm just sayin'. Think about it. The Board of Health doesn't give a restaurant a heads up, because they know they'll clean up! Why would Jesus give us a heads up? He knows that it will just result in us being on our best behavior and He already knows how we are.

-KC Jones

Rapture vs. Voicemail Light - What's More Terrifying?

Everyday I drive past one of the Rapture billboards and since we are coming up on it this Saturday, we might as well cover all the bases.  However, I do have one honest question:  today, like right now, when you are at work, what causes you more stress, preparing for the Rapture or when you walk into your cube/office/cell and see that red light on your office phone?  I'm going to go over the possibilities of each.


First up, the dreaded work voicemail.  Honestly, I have never received a message at work that was good news or benefited me professionally or personally.  Literally, every message I get means more work or someone bitching about something I did (or didn't do).  If I walk into my office in the morning and that red light is on, honestly, that's a terrible start to the day and I literally do anything else possible to put off listening to that message.  I also travel a good amount for work, and when I am out of the office I NEVER check my voicemail.  I don't even know how to because there is some convoluted way to get to our messages.  Some obscene combination of numbers and symbols to get there.  I know I hate voicemails, so why bother listening to them from the road when I know I can't do anything about it, and just stress myself out further?


Honestly, there's not much we can do about it, right?  I mean, at this point you're either in or you're out I guess.  I can see being nervous or anxious, but at least you won't have more work to do right?  I guess if anything you can do less.  I go to work now so I can pay bills.  Post-Rapture, I might work for a couple more weeks so I can buy some guns and sit on my front porch.  That's what I picture myself doing for the Apocalypse.  Maybe have some people over, make sure to have some dry ice (it's going to be hot) for the cooler, and some shotguns to ward off the zombies.  For some reason I always picture myself somehow transforming into a Ninja/Navy Seal in a post-Apocalyptic movie.  Just kicking ass, saving hot chicks and puppies, and having tons of awesome one-liners.  Say I'm roaming the bombed out country side in my non-anti-semitic Mad Max mobile and I come upon a super market.  My dog and I (always have to have a dog) go in to stock up on supplies and in the bakery section I see some zombie dude about to eat a really hot chick, and I kill him before he finishes the job.  Then, I say:  "That's the way the cookie crumbles."  That would be awesome.  

So, I guess Rapture wins in being less terrifying than a voicemail because in this scenario I become awesome and don't have to go into an office, versus still having to go to work and being pissed off.  

-Big Ran

PS:  This may be the official Rapture music video.  First of all, the band is "The Rapture."  Second of all, the song is pretty tight.  Third, what better way to go through the Rapture than a roller skating party.  I think we may have an official Rapture activity.

KC Jones thinks that few things are more terrifying than the red voicemail light on her office phone. She's actually avoiding checking hers as we speak.

No Habla Ingles....

Really? We need a law passed to make sure this happening? Now, I love the United States, and despite our problems, we are STILL the best country in the WORLD, but COME ON! I appreciate the fact that in a global economy and in a world where many cultures can be represented in one area, more than one language is likely to be spoken. I see great value in being fluent in more than one language. I wish I was! I support offering foreign languages in all schools, at all levels. However, we're in America, and if you don't want to learn English, you need to leave. Same rule should apply if someone moves to Germany and doesn't want to learn German. Of COURSE you should have to speak, read, and write in English in order to graduate. How in God's name would a student a be able to make it through all the years leading up to their Senior year without being able to do this? Oh, that's right, political correctness. We don't want to offend, so we have to offer the same curriculum in multiple languages. This will require more teachers (unnecessary teachers because this shouldn't be happening) and the teachers we DO need will suffer. Bottom line: if you leave your country of origin to go anywhere else (whether it be America, Spain, Italy, etc etc), you need to learn THEIR language.

I understand that people will argue that English is spoken globally so we don't understand, etc, but I don't buy it. Yes, it is spoken globally, but these countries that teach it aren't giving up their own languages and we aren't moving there expecting them to cater to us. What about our ancestors that moved here and worked their asses off to learn the language?  We offer so many ESL programs in this country that it shouldn't be an issue. Look in the job section of any paper or any online job site, ESL jobs are ALWAYS in demand. As for those people who won't learn,  it's pure laziness and/or arrogance and we're allowing it to happen. Kudos to New London, but at the same time, I'm sorry that we needed a mandate to make this happen.

-KC Jones

Check out the entire article at:
http://www.nbcconnecticut.com/news/local/New-London-Graduation-Requirement-Speak-English-121883654.html

New London Graduation Requirement: Speak English

Only 16 percent of 10th graders test at the highest levels.

Monday, May 16, 2011 | Updated 6:46 PM EDT
The schools superintendent says, beginning in 2015, students must be able to read and write English in order to graduate.
The schools superintendent says, beginning in 2015, students must be able to read and write English in order to graduate.
Students in New London will not only have to pass English to graduate, but they will have to prove that they know the American English language and be able to demonstrate it as of 2015.

The board of education on Thursday approved the major change to city education policy, according to the Day of New London.

The student body includes immigrants from 28 countries, the Day reports. And the school district Web site includes translations in 52 languages.

"We know from colleges and employers, that our students are going to have to know how to read and write in English if they are going be successful," Supt. Nicholas Fischer, told the Day.

That is not to say that the school is instituting an "English only" program in which where students are told they can only speak English in the schools. New London's program is a literacy program in which students will be required to achieve a certain level of English reading and writing literacy by the 10th grade.


The state department of education does not have a policy of this kind.

*Big Ran Note:

Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife, Cause the Rapture Takin' Errbody (Well, Some I Guess)


It figures I schedule a weekend getaway with my wife on the same day as the rapture.  The traffic is probably going to be terrible.  Good thing I booked the hotel like six weeks ago, huh?  Do you think God will be pissed that I planned on spending this weekend touring breweries, napping, and going to restaurants, while he is getting his rapture on?  Like, I'm not going to interfere at all and I figure that if anything, there will be shorter lines throughout the course of the weekend. 

Now I went to Catholic schools through college, (K-16 baby!) and I don't know my Bible so well, but why would the Rapture be on a Saturday?  Is it because God wants to get it done so he can rest on Sunday?  One of my favorite weekend activities that I can never really pull off anymore is napping on my couch while sort of watching a Red Sox game, so maybe God likes to do that too and wants to get his work out of the way on Saturday.  That makes sense.  However, I feel like he should give people one last chance to get to Church on Sunday, like cramming for a big exam.  I think a wise and benevolent God would do that.

What's everyone planning to do for the Rapture?  Anyone having a party or anything?  


-Big Ran

KC Jones is also wondering how the Mayans feel about this as they are predicting 2012 as the end of the world. Someone is clearly wrong and I guess we'll find out come Saturday. I think the Big Guy knows what he's doing and clearly he's having a good laugh up there as he watches some of His creations posting billboards and making signs to prepare for the end....anyway....um, I gotta go, I think I just saw a locust scamper past my cube.... YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Humpday Holla-back

In honor of the end of days (well, that's what it seems like here in Massachusetts), I'd like to jump start everyone's day with this little ditty. A little Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott looking like a giant spider in her trash bag outfit with her hair greased up nice and snug against her head and face. Then of course are the shots of her in her brightly colored get ups. This video is just terrible, and I've thought that since the first time I saw it many years ago. I remember sitting in disbelief when she won "Moon Men" trophies at the MTV Video Awards.  However, given the current state of affairs weather wise, truer words have never been spoken. Missy, I feel you, "I can't stand the rain" either.




-KC Jones