Ain't Gon' Hurt Nobody/Early Lunchtime Look-a-Like...

So, as I've mentioned, I don't follow football very closely. However, I was fortunate enough to have caught 'the incident' during the Patriots/Redskins game on Sunday. This isn't a post to discuss the incident...it's a post to touch upon a situation I noticed after the interception that sparked the argument....

What could I possibly be referring to, you ask?

This:

YUP! Tiquan Underwood of the New England Patriots. When I saw him on the sideline after the interception, I just couldn't even believe what I was seeing. LOOK AT THAT HAIR!

These pictures are not doctored at all. If anything, they don't adequately capture the depth of his 'do.

I was left with several questions:

1. How did I not notice this sooner?
2. How does he wear a helmet?
3. Is he related to "Kid" from "Kid and Play" of rap and "House Party" movie fame?
4. Will he ever sport the braids that Kid sported from time to time?

-KC Jones

Are You Ready For Some B-Ball?

God knows I am! Now that the overpaid babies on both sides have finished with their pissing contest, it's looking like a Christmas Miracle will be occurring on December 25th in the form of an NBA Marathon! Yes-sireee! Five games back to back to back to back to back....starting at noon, winding down around midnight EST. While you all know that I am obsessed with the sport itself and have been since I was conceived, I also find the news surrounding the players/coaches/etc extremely entertaining and intriguing as well. So, without further adieu, I'd like to present a partial list of non game related story lines I will be following this hoops season:

The current and former Mr. Kardashians

1. The Kardashian Factor: Now that Kim and Kris have been married and divorced (as I predicted!), and Khloe and Lamar are still going strong (which is actually pretty cool as far as I'm concerned), I'm interested in seeing the interactions between the former and current Mr. Kardashians on the court. I'm also very curious to see if Kimmy shows up at any of the games, and, even better, if the boy crazy middle Kardashian sister will start dating another NBA player (since I have warned her to stay away from my love Reggie Bush). I'm wondering where Kris Humphries is going to end up. I think it would be awesome if he ended up Lamar in Dallas, but Dallas has a title to defend, and God knows KH won't help with that. Does anyone beside me have a feeling that Kris Jenner is probably hammering out a business plan that will allow the family to buy a franchise sooner rather than later?

We've seen his stroke, and it's all flame.

2.  Mark Cuban: After years of facing fines and disciplinary action from the League for being the BEST and most passionate owner in the NBA (for God's sake--the dude was on Dancing With The Stars!), I am dying to see how Cuban ups the ante this season after his team put a choke hold on the Lakers in the WCF and then putting the Heat to bed easily in the Finals. Like every championship team, the Mavs are facing the haters/doubters/skeptics, but the difference is, Mark Cuban will play along, baiting them and mouthing off every step of the way. I think I speak for both Big Ran and myself when I say that he's definitely on the list of peeps I'd love to hang out with. As a matter of fact, I might just join Twitter to keep up with some of this guy's awesome commentary....we will be sure to offer commentary after we attend the Celtics/Mavs matchup in January. We are hoping that Cubes will be there. (And Big Ran's hero, Jason "The Jet" Terry).

3. World Peace: Yes, you read that correctly. One of the things I'm always looking forward to are the antics of Ron "Metta World Peace" Artest. Specifically, I am anxiously awaiting his debut this season in what I can only guess will be a jersey with his new name on it. ESPN.com already has him listed under his new name. Between this, the crazy designs/colors he's put into his hair over the years, his general emotional and psychiatric instability, this man should have a reality show. His wife is included in the current installment of "Basketball Wives" on VH1, but the man, the myth, and the legend is nowhere to be found. KC Jones is calling foul!

4. Craig Sager: Every Thursday night, I have a date with my couch (or bed) and the doubleheaders on TNT. I look forward to seeing analyst Craig Sager and all of his ridiculous outfits (specifically his busy/blinding/and borderline seizure inducing suit coats). Every time I think he can't get more ridiculous, he does. And, the night becomes even more special when he's interviewing players who call attention to it. If only the players had taken the cue from Sager when that ass hat David Stern instituted a dress code, we'd all be in a better place right now. Please note that the picture on the left was not in celebration of Easter, Spring, or anything out of the ordinary. This is a completely 'normal' selection for him.

5. The Unveiling of Greg Oden's Birth Certificate: I remember when people were all up in arms about seeing Obama's birth certificate in an attempt to verify citizenship. However, I think a more important birth certificate has been flying under the radar for about 4 years now (specifically since the 2007 NBA draft). There is no way on God's green earth that this man is really only almost 24. Has anyone even SEEN him? I mean, even without his brittle bones, look at him....does this look like a man in his early 20's? At first, I was optimistic that this was a "Benjamin Button" type situation, but the guy is not getting younger as the years pass. Somebody in the NBA League office dropped the ball as far as age verification is concerned...somebody who hates Portland and maybe even the entire state of Oregon. I thought you could only red shirt one year in college? How did this guy get away with red shirting 2 decades?  I'm so confused!  I'm PRETTY sure any All-Star from the 80's could come back looking younger and with less health issues than this poor guy. (And, on a side note, if you are part of the OKC Thunder organization, how do you adequately thank God on a daily basis for making sure you ended up with Durant?). Anyway, I just have a feeling this might be the season we find out that G.O. is really 42.....dyslexia happens.
**Also, as a side note; what in the world could the city of Portland done wrong to cause the seemingly permanent streak of bad luck they are suffering from? Remember, it's not just the current state of affairs...this dates all the way back to the days of the "Jail Blazers!" (Love you Sheed! xoxo)

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

-KC Jones

Watching A Lot of "The Walking Dead" Will F*ck You Up

OK, first off, I guess that I have a vivid imagination and I love post-apocalyptic/zombie movies, so that's an interesting combination.  After I saw "28 Days Later" I was woken up in the middle of the night by two cats fighting which honestly may be the worst sound in the world.  Needless to say, I didn't fall back to sleep that night.  Also, when I saw the first trailer for "I Am Legend,"  I think I may have ripped my pants with the boner I got.  Unfortunately that movie ended up sucking and is #1 on my disappointing movie list.

So, last weekend, I started watching "The Walking Dead" from AMC and plowed through the first season in a couple days, then caught myself up on the current season about four days later.  This show is similar to other zombie shows and movies where there is some sort of world wide pandemic that causes people to turn into zombies if they are infected.  Now, when you watch a lot of shows like this I think it really warps with your sense of reality.  First it started out because I would stay up way too late watching the show and so when I was about to go to bed, I would take one of my dogs out and it would be deathly quiet.  Way too quiet.  I was honestly looking for zombies and figuring out my escape plan.  Like, "OK, I can't run back into the house and lead them right there.  I'm going to have to use my sprinting skills, lose them on another street and double back to the house."  I know I'm demented.  I secretly homed the rapture would really happen last May so I could stock pile weapons and shoot zombies, because that's obviously what would have happened.

The best (or worst) cases of this came on Friday though.  Let me preface this by saying that the zombies on this show can't talk, they just kind of groan and moan, they walk with limps, and they have some crazy eyes.

Zombies with their gangsta lean.

So, after work on Friday I go to get a haircut and I am sitting in the chair when a man and a tween/teen come in.  ***POSSIBLY POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALERT***  The young man clearly has some special needs because he is kind of limping in and has trouble speaking.  For a split second, I eye all the scissors and calculate how long I will need to grab one and stab him in the brain if he goes after someone.  Demented.

Crazy Eyes

After all of that, I go to my 10 year old niece's birthday party.  And see that chick in the above picture, Amy from "The Walking Dead?"  Well, there was a 10 year old that looked EXACTLY like her.  Honestly, it was her mini me.  When I walked in, I took a double take, and in my head said, "OH SH!T WATCH OUT MINI ZOMBIE BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  You bet your asses I kept a close eye on her the rest of the night.  You just keep working that ice cream cake and don't look at my arm like a drumstick little zombie b!tch.

So, there you go, Big Ran's tales in being a f*cking weirdo.

On a positive note, the birthday had a "Red Carpet" theme, so one of the girls wrote a script, they acted it out and filmed it, then my wife and I "interviewed" them on the red carpet.  My job was to ask them "WHO they were wearing" like all those bozo entertainment reporters ask.  Well, when the parents all show up, my sister-in-law proceeded to tell them that I was asking all of the girls "WHAT they were wearing," and all of a sudden I was Jerry Sandusky before I corrected her on the phrasing.

-Big Ran

PS:  "The Walking Dead" honestly is hot f*cking fire.  It makes me want to shoot zombies so hard.

Monday Mutha F*ckin' Jam

Cause you know what ain't fun?  Mondays and staring down the barrel of another work week.  This song has one of my favorite lyrics of all time:

"One for the money, two for the bitches, three to get ready, and four to hit the switches."

You know what also ain't no fin?  David Friggin' West choosing to sign a two year contract with the Pacers rather than with the Celtics.  Enjoy Indianapolis, homie.  Scientifically, here it is in a graph:

-Big Ran