KC Jones' Top 5 Songs That Ruin Christmas....

...in my humble opinion.

5. "Little Saint Nick"- The Beach Boys


 I don't know if it's the fact that some of the high pitched notes can only be heard by dogs, or my general disdain for "The Beach Boys", but this song makes me want to punch babies and kick puppies....

4. "Santa Baby"- BY ANYONE


Hate isn't a strong enough word. Add Madonna to the mix and I'm in a blind rage. Why is she even singing a Christmas song? At age 50-something, she hasn't even decided on a religion or an accent yet! Also, no need to bring sex and Santa Claus together you whores!

3. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"- Again, BY ANYONE...

...but particularly by The Jackson 5. The shouldn't have been singing Christmas or any holiday songs as they were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses and therefore do not celebrate. I guess dollar signs trumped religious ties as far as Joe and Katherine were concerned. Again, why are we sexualizing (is that even a word?) Santa Claus?? FAIL!

2. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"

Seriously? The voice is so enraging that I'd rather slide down a cactus plant than listen to it. Also, nobody wants a hippopotamus for Christmas, or for any other holiday.

1. "War Is Over"

First she ruins "The Beatles", and then she puts her grubby paws into the mix and ruins Christmas. When I hear this song, it doesn't put me into a festive mood, it actually makes me depressed. The actual music video starts at the 6:10 mark and it's full of morbid, depressing, and horrific images. I fail to see the connection to Christmas. I fail to understand why the radio stations play it after Rudolph and before Feliz Navidad. I fail to understand why John Lennon and Yoko were so obnoxious, greasy, and hairy. It should be mentioned here that I DESPISE "The Beatles" and am not afraid to say it. I respect their robotic, head bobbing place in musical history, but I hate them...however, I hate this song far worse.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and may you all avoid these songs over the next few days!

P.S. I would have included "Dominic The Donkey" here, but I didn't even want to give it any validation as an actual song.

P.P.S. I was going to do a supplemental post to Big Ran's Top 5 Christmas Songs, naming my own, but then got this idea and he supported it, raising a very valid point that I misinterpreted (read from the bottom up down below) and we almost got a friendship divorce:

From: Big Ran
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:47 PM
To: KC Jones
Subject: RE:

 

No, you misunderstand.  I mean, what else would you need to your personal top five?  That’s why a worst list is a great idea.

Damn, woman.

From: KC Jones
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:45 PM
To: Big Ran
Subject: RE:

Dude, Wham’s Last Christmas is the ONLY song you need at Christmas! Blasphemy I tell you! The baby Jesus would be devastated to read such a hurtful comment!

From: Big Ran
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:43 PM
To: KC Jones
Subject: RE:

I like that a lot.  Other than Wham, what do you need?

From: KC Jones
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:43 PM
To: Big Ran
Subject: RE:

Actually, should I do the Top 5 WORST Christmas Songs of all time? (In my opinion and then you can add?)

-KC Jones

Holy Sh!t, LeVar Burton is Awesome!

I screen grabbed the sh!t out of this.

Investigative journalism is not dead!  In my in depth research for my last blog post, I googled LeVar Burton because I wasn't sure how to spell his first name.  Well, you're all welcome because check this sh!t out:

Raise your hand if you knew LeVar Burton was in the "Word Up" video...Bueller?  Bueller?  Yeah, didn't think so.  Here are some other highlights from his Wikipedia page, which I take as Gospel:

Burton was born to American parents at the U.S. Army Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in West Germany. His mother, Erma Jean (née Christian), was a social worker, administrator, and educator. His father, Levardis Robert Martyn Burton, was a photographer for the U.S. Army Signal Corps, and at the time was stationed at Landstuhl.  Burton and his two sisters were raised by his mother in Sacramento, California.  Burton was raised Catholic and, at the age of thirteen, entered St. Pius X seminary in Galt, California to become a priest.  He attended Christian Brothers High School and graduated in the class of 1974. He is a graduate of University of Southern California's School of Theatre.


How about that?  How do they let kids study to become priests at 13?  Talk about Bad Idea Jeans.  All thirteen year olds want to do is jerk off and dream of finding their Dad's stash of Playboys, not praying all day and taking vows of poverty and celibacy.


That little early life bio was the big one in addition to the "Word Up" bombshell, but while we all know Burton was the host of "Reading Rainbow," he was also the executive producer.  That's big time.  He is married (to the woman below) and has a 17 year old daughter.

CUE THE MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Big Ran

PS: I bet someone could make a sweet remix of this jam. I would buy that on Amazon for $0.49.

Big Ran's Top Five Christmas Songs

5.  Eric Cartman - Oh Holy Night



I was torn with posting the original show version where Cartman keeps getting tazed or the album version.  I went with the album version because let's face it, studio cuts are always going to be better than a live performance.

4.  Sleigh Ride



This is a bit more of a classic choice here and you have to LOVE the video.  I don't think it would be possible for there to be more mustaches in this video unless they filmed a NAMBLA convention.

3.  Kurtis Blow - Christmas Rap



KC introduced me to this one and when you see my #1 choice you will understand why this is on here.

2.  Elvis - Blue Christmas



I can do a mean rendition of this song.  It looks like Elvis was a bit past his prime in this video, but you know he was still crushing both donuts and p*ssy at this point.

1.  Run D.M.C - Christmas in Hollis



If you don't like this song, you might as well pack your bags and move to Communist Russia.  Or North Korea, that should be a stable and inviting environment for a while.  I have LOVED this song ever since I saw it on Reading Rainbow (LeVar Burton up in this bitch!).  The only thing that keeps this from scoring a perfect 100 is that creepy as f*ck elf in the beginning.  That little f*cker will haunt your dreams.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and Happy New Year to everyone!

-Big Ran

I'd Be Pissed Off Too

APPLETON — Police say a drunken woman repeatedly choked her 11-year-old daughter on 

Sunday after becoming angered by the poor play of the Green Bay Packers.

The 36-year-old Grand Chute woman was charged Monday in Outagamie County Court with

 felony child abuse and misdemeanor counts of bail jumping and disorderly conduct. 

Police were called about 8:15 p.m. Sunday to a Grand Chute hotel where the girl told police 

her mother grabbed her by the neck during the football game. The woman was drinking alcohol 

and became upset because the team was losing. 

The girl said that after the Packers lost 19-14 to the Kansas City Chiefs, her mother choked her

 again with enough force that the girl couldn’t breathe, and asked her, “Do you want to die?” the

 criminal complaint says.

Police saw red marks and scratches on the girl’s neck.

The Post-Crescent is not naming the woman to protect the identity of the child.

The child abuse charge carries a maximum sentence of 12½ years of imprisonment and 

$25,000 in fines. The woman could face up to nine months in jail if convicted of bail jumping 

and 90 days on the disorderly conduct  count. She is being held in jail on a $2,500 cash bond.

Look, I am not about to endorse child abuse, but I do think there are some special circumstances

here.  I remember how I felt after the Patriots lost in the Super Bowl on their quest to go 19 - 0; I 

was down, I just felt empty.  My buddy Danny was honestly depressed.  He gave up on sports 

altogether and didn't watch any sporting event for over two years.

And that's the thing; if you don't deal with your emotions right away, they just fester until it all boils 

over.  

This past Sunday, the Green Bay Packers headed into a game against the lowly Kansas City Chiefs 

in search of win number 14 and extending their perfect season, only to look terrible and throw history 

down the drain.  If Packer Mom here didn't vent her emotions, who knows what would have happened.  

She may have gone on a killing spree.  This way, she just choked out her daughter a bit, gets it over 

with and can move on to week 16 of the NFL season.

Maybe the 11 year old should get some Jujitsu lessons from Christmas.  That's the one where you 

use your opponent's force, strength, and weight against them, right?  I would imagine that would be 

the way to go because I picture this Packer Mom coming in at two and a half bills.

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head - Stuck in My Office Edition

I am one of three people in my office today so it's good to have an upbeat jam to get the loins going.  This isn't my usual type of tune, but this gets me pretty amped.  Amped to do expense reports and find ways to kill a few more hours.

I can't complain since I don't work tomorrow, so if you do, may God have mercy on your soul.

-Big Ran