The Hartford Courant is Bringing the Heat Today!

Farmington - Police say a 22-year-old drunken driver punched himself in the face, tore his shirt and threw his wallet and keys in a river in an attempt to convince police he had been assaulted.


Daniel Vagnini, of 10 Butternut Drive, sped through a stop sign at the intersection of New Britain Avenue and Red Oak Hill around midnight Saturday, according to an officer who said he witnessed it. Vagnini nearly crashed into a car that had already entered the intersection.


Police said they found his car on Indian Hill Road and heard Vagnini in the woods. As police searched for him, Vagnini called 911 to report that he was lost in the woods. Vagnini was found near the Farmington River.


He told police he had been drinking in Hartford and was physically assaulted as he got into his car to go home. The beating had caused him to black out, Vagnini said. When he regained consciousness he was in the woods, his clothes were torn and his wallet, keys and ring were missing, police said.


But the story was made up. Vagnini admitted he had punched himself in the face, causing minor facial injuries. He also tore his shirt and tossed his belongings in the Farmington River to bolster his story, police said.


Vagnini was charged with reckless driving, evading responsibility and driving under the influence. He was released on a non-surety bond.


Now, in no way, shape, or form am I condoning drunk driving.  However, I will absolutely give this dude major league style points for this.  He was on the right track here, with punching himself, and tearing his shirt, but might have taken it one step to far with the blacking out and waking up in the woods.  Then again, he concocted this story on the fly while he was drunk and being chased by the cops.  Maybe next time he should pull the old Tommy Boy move:




See everyone on the flip side.

-Big Ran

Irrational Rant...Somebody Put Paper in the F*cking Copier

I'm not sure if anyone else feels like this, but I swear to God, every time I go to the damn printer there is no paper in it.  EVER.  I work in a fairly small department and maybe 13 people might possibly use our fancy scanner/copier/printer.  The thing has like four trays for paper and I think each one holds 500 pieces.  How the f*ck can you plow through 2,000 pieces of paper every time I seem to need to print something?  I honestly think that I am the only one in my office to actually have put paper in the printer over the course of the last four years.  Maybe that's why the last guy left, he got sick of trekking down to get paper every time he needed to print an expense report.

I honestly don't know how we even go through a ream of paper in a week?  Do people still actually print that much?  Can't you just forward anything via e-mail or look at an e-mail on your phone?  This brings me to a somewhat related topic, those people that put this in their signature:

P Think GREEN before printing this e-mail

Are you kidding me?  Do you honestly think your e-mail is important enough for me to consider printing?  Why would I print your e-mail?  To have you autograph it and try to sell it on ebay or frame it?  Get over yourself.  I really think these people want to think they are helping the environment, but I have two counterpoints:

1.  You are really doing this for yourself, so people think you care about the environment.

2.  You probably drive a big ass SUV and don't recycle.

There was an Office Space Video here, but it started automatically and was a pain in the ass.

PC Load Letter?  What the f*ck does that mean?

-Big Ran

KC's comments: This is an epic post. I can feel your rage Big Ran and I promise you that I can relate. I, for one, ALWAYS make sure I put paper in the printer. BTW- do you know that trick sitting on the copier in the top picture or did you find her online? hahahahaha....

How Bizarre!

Hide Yo' Kids, Hide Yo' Wives, & Hide Yo' Husbands Cause Wild Beavers Are Terrorizin' Philadelphia

Published June 06, 2011

Three people were bitten by a rabid beaver last week in Philadelphia before the animal was killed -- and game wardens remain stumped about the "truly bizarre" attacks.

PHILADELPHIA –  Pennsylvania game wardens remained stumped Sunday about a spate of "truly bizarre" rabid beaver attacks in and around Philadelphia.

Three people were bitten by a beaver last week in Pennypack Park in the city's northeastern section before the animal was killed and officials determined it had rabies, according to MyFoxPhilly.

A married couple was fishing on Wednesday when the large beaver bit the woman's leg, then turned on her husband and bit him in both arms and on his chest, the Pennsylvania Game Commission said.

On Thursday, a child was bitten in the same park. A short time later, a park ranger located the beaver nearby. That animal was killed and tested positive for rabies at a Health Department lab. Game wardens are looking through the park for other beavers that could be infected.

Park officials were baffled by the location of the attacks and the fact that the mammal was a beaver -- not a raccoon or skunk.

"It's not that beavers are not susceptible, as all mammals are susceptible, to rabies," said Game Commission spokesman Jerry Feaser. "But a beaver in Philadelphia, that was just truly bizarre."

Another rabid beaver attacked an angler in late April on White Clay Creek in the Chester County suburbs of Philadelphia. Feaser said the attacks are the only such cases he recalls during 12 years with the commission.

"Our furbearer biologist, when he heard about this, he was just literally blown away," Feaser said.

The state Agriculture Department, which investigates rabies cases, fielded no reports of rabid beavers in 2009 or 2010.

Pennsylvania normally has between 350 and 500 confirmed rabies cases annually. Last year slightly more than half the cases were raccoons, followed in frequency by skunks, cats, bats and foxes. The state's most recent rabies fatality for humans occurred in 1984, when a 12-year-old Lycoming County boy died.

As a precaution, Game Commission officials continue to encourage residents to avoid the Pennypack Creek waterfront area between Bustleton Avenue and Roosevelt Boulevard in northeast Philadelphia.

Read more on Philadelphia's beaver battle at MyFoxPhilly.com.

So, in other words, "Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wives, and hide yo' husbands because the beavers are rapin' err'body"



And a couple of other things:

1. What is an "angler"? I had no idea until I just looked it up, and found this:

an·gler/ˈaNGglər/

Noun: A person who fishes with a rod and line: "a carp angler".


They couldn't have just said 'someone fishing'?


2. How did the beaver get the guy in BOTH arms and THEN in the CHEST? This is incomprehensible. It's a damn beaver, not a bear!


3. Does anyone besides me have this song in their mind after reading the article? Especially in light of the article's line that: "Pennsylvania game wardens remained stumped Sunday about a spate of "truly bizarre" rabid beaver attacks in and around Philadelphia."




-KC Jones

Note to Self: Move to Enfield, CT (or Don't Move there, I'm Confused)

Hartford Courant - Police responded to a complaint about a group of women in bikinis Sunday evening.

Police said that a resident on Mathewson Street called police at 5:15 p.m. and said he was "alarmed" by a group of about 15 young woman in bikinis with zombie make-up taking photographs on the street.

Police said that the women, when made aware of the complaint, voluntarily moved to another street. They told police that they were make-up artists from Six Flags and were doing a calendar shoot.

Who do you think complained to the police about this?  Like, did they actually think they may have been zombies?  I guess its good that they called the police rather than busting out their shotgun and firing upon these unsuspecting Six Flags Make Up Artists.  Is that a real job?  I have so many questions about this story, I really wish I was there.


There are some really great comments on this story, though:


Hojo2086 at 1:26 PM June 6, 2011

I want to see the bikini pictures.  All of them.

avwh06 at 1:06 PM June 6, 2011

The people were just jealous because most people in Enfield can't wear bikini's

DanfromEastHampton at 12:03 PM June 6, 2011

Do you know that in New York, they could have been doing the photo shoot topless? The NY Supreme Court rules years ago that it was discrimination to allow men to go without a shirt and not let women have the same privlage. Personally, I would rather my children see a bare breast than a body with a bullet hole in their head so why do we censor breasts on TV but not heads being blown off? Makes you wonder what is acceptable these days.

Nichellemotos at 11:44 AM June 6, 2011

I was one of the zombie girls and want to be very clear. There were 3, THREE, ladies in zombie make up. We are making a zombie swim suit calendar. Its coming out awesome and you can see it on facebook. Year of the Dead.

We are in absolutely no way related or in talks or associated with Six Flags in any shape or form. We are just a group of people making an art project dream come true. Check us out! Its actually very awesome.

africansoothsayer at 7:24 AM June 6, 2011

Come see me in Farmington.  Shoot all day.  We are Zombi friendly in Farmington, unlike Enfield.

OK, so there we have it from one of the bikini clad zombies herself, setting the record straight and here are some pics:

BOOM.  I just did more research than the Hartford Courant.  No wonder print journalism is dying.  If you print a story about zombies in bikinis, you better run photos along with it.  Zombie sex sells.

-Big Ran

PS:  I really expected Donatella Vercase:

I'm Awesome at Getting People Fired up and Drunk

Well, this weekend, my wife joined the 30 year olds' club, so we hosted a party for some of her friends from college and work down at her parents' cape house.  Let me tell you something: there aren't many things I do well other than be awesome and  funny, but grilling and getting people drunk are also on that list.  Friday night everyone rolled in around 8 PM pr so, but I managed to play bartender and get people feeling good and loose, just priming the pump a bit for the next night.

Saturday comes around and I think we have 13 people in all hanging out at the Cape.  I knew there was going to be some day drinking going on, but before that started people were chilling outside, soaking up some sun.  Eventually between the early season sun, food, and day drinking, people were struggling around 4 PM.  You could call it the "calm before the storm," as they tried to say it was, but I knew better.  We needed a catalyst. So, I went to a convenience store and bought about $30 worth of Red Bull.  When I rolled up to check out, the woman working, simply responded with, "Whoa."  She knew what this was.  It was go time.

So, I get back to the house and start pouring Red Bull and Vodkas down peoples throats, and let me tell you, it worked.  It worked big time. I ran a couple shuttles out to a bar for people to get their drink on before the Bruins game and by the time everyone got back to the house, both the energy drunkenness levels were very high.  We ended up having someone puke in the sink, we had a couple get in a drunken fight, and both my dog and I tool a leak outside.  Those have always been my rules for a successful party:

1.  Did someone puke?

2.  Did people hook up or fight?

3.  Did someone pee in the back yard?

Win.  Good party.  Plus, people looked like they were beaten with shovels the next morning.  YESSSSSS!!!!

-Big Ran

*KC Jones says: This is all very true. My mother used to ask me why, whenever I went out with Big Ran, I'd come home completely annihilated and acting funny. And, as I told her one time when I was drunk, "Because he's my friend and he makes me have fun!"....YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....Everyone loves Big Ran. 

ALSO, this post immediately made me think of this song and video:

*Big Ran Note: It is a true fact that on many occasions, back in the day, I would pour KC back into her house after a night out only to have her Mom wake up. If anyone needs a party starter, let me know.