Office Etiquette....know your (cube's ) role....

I've been preparing this blog in my mind for a long time, and it's finally time to get it posted. Throughout my ten plus years in Corporate America, I've noticed that a LOT of people seem to think it's a good idea to use their cubes and/or offices for things OTHER than work. I'd like to touch upon the various things I've witnessed over the years & steer everyone in a better directions. This post is going to be devoted to what cubes/offices should NOT be used for:

It is a cube, not a....

1. Nail Salon: Ladies (and some gentlemen), there will never be a time when it's appropriate OR hygienic for you to be sitting in your cube clipping your nails. This is gross, no one wants to listen to it, and I'm definitely sure no one wants your clippings all around the office. This is a pretty common offense and I'd like to put an end to it. I've also seen some females actually painting their nails in their cubes. I'm pretty sure that no one wants to inhale those fumes either. Even worse, in my P.O.E, there was (he is no longer with us), a guy known to take his shoes and socks off and clip his TOENAILS! Yup, you read that correctly! And then there was an incident where my good friend witnessed a man with his shoes and socks removed applying DEODORANT to his FEET!?! I don't know whether I should be happy that he's that considerate regarding b.o. or if I should be offended that he's apparently sweating from the bottom of his feet. 

2. 2. Dentist's Office: If you have some oral hygiene issues to attend to, please seek out the nearest bathroom. If I hear you flossing in your cube, I might throw up, on you. I'm happy that you are taking good care of your teeth, but a public forum such as a cube or office is not the right place.
3. 3. A Kitchen or Restaurant: We all have eaten or do eat in our cubes or offices, that is fine. However, it should be noted that any real food preparation should be done at home or down in the cafeteria. I cannot tell you the number of times someone has brought something particularly offensive smelling and hunkered down in their cube for feeding time. We used to work with a ridiculously awesome Asian dude named "Nam" who literally brought a whole lobster in, dismantled it by hand up on our floor (as opposed to the cafeteria--not to mention that whole lobsters really don't belong in the workplace), threw it in the trash in the communal kitchen when he was done. The entire 5th floor smelled so bad and he just didn't understand why this wasn't appropriate. It was awesome, in an awful way.

4. A Club: If you want to listen to music as you work, cool....but remember, not everyone else wants to listen to music(particularly yours) as well. All it takes is an inexpensive pair of headphones to keep people happy. Or, if headphones don't work for you, how about the music on very quietly? I have experienced this situation one too many times, and I can't take it.  If I have to be trapped in a cube, I should NOT have to be forced to listen to someone's obnoxious country music all day. The only exception to this rule is when a 40'something chick who is TOTALLY trapped in the 1980's has a 'boombox' (yup!) on her desk that is playing the soothing sounds of Glen Danzig! YUP! That happened here!

5. A Conference Room: I believe we've addressed this in earlier posts, but it's worth mentioning again. There are conference rooms for a reason. And again, with this comes the rant about the speaker phone function. Speaker phone=Dire need for a conference room.

If people just follow the rules we lay out here at "The Takeover", our P.O.E.s would be much more enjoyable.

-KC Jones

Mormons is Infiltrating My YouTube!

Not only are they knocking on my door, trying to save my soul, but they are infiltrating my YouTube.  I actually have no real beef with Mormons, their astoundingly racist history aside (so, I guess I do have a problem with them).  I know two Mormons very well and they are great guys.  They don't drink, but they'll go out and won't judge me if I get a bit sloppy on a business trip.  I would argue they are two of the more liberal Mormons around, but that is neither here nor there.  When Mormons go to my parents' house, my Dad is the best.  I love when Dads get to the point of not caring if they offend someone whatsoever.  He just says something to the effect of, "Hey, let me stop you right there.  I can respect your beliefs, but you aren't going to change my mind no matter what you say, so I don't want you to waste your time on me."  Sometimes he gets Mormons that look at him like he is already on fire and sometimes they thank him for his honesty.  Hey whatever works.  However, I put is a search for Kenny Powers and I think Mormons know that I am destined for hell fire.  Look at these results:

Suggestions

• 1:59Wife, Mother, Mormonby MormonPromoted Video367,221 views
• 1:33Eastbound and Down - Funniest Sceneby StopTheRobbery29,380 views
• 3:57Eastbound & Down - Kenny Powers is Backby jgcfc5866,916 views
• 0:31Eastbound and Down - Funniest Sceneby mudvaynedanzig285,174 views
• 6:53BEST OF KENNY POWERSby iWonDeRwHAtsneXt152,802,617 views
• 0:51Best Scene In Eastbound & Downby hitch2321314,063 views
• 1:53Eastbound & Down - Kenny "Cocksure" Powers Stri...by fx40,972 views
  

I think that this post is the first time in the history of the world, someone has written about Kenny Powers and Mormons at the same time.  Has to be, right?

I was actually in Salt Lake City for about 24 hours because of delayed flights and it was really cool.  Found a great brewery and awesome restaurants.  My hotel was right across the street from the main Mormon temple.  The more you know, Big Ran edition.

-Big Ran

Irrational Rant...Self Checkout Lines

Cowboy boots and skirt, f*ck yeah!

So after a day of driving all over central and eastern Massachusetts yesterday, Mrs. Big Ran and I stopped at Stop & Shop to look at Red Box movies (there was nothing good) and to pick up something for our dogs, which, for some inexplicable reason, is like one-third the price at Stop & Shop as it is everywhere else even though everything else at Stop & Shop is about a dollar more expensive than everywhere else.

It is about 8:15 PM, so there aren't many people in the store and I have one item, so I go to the self checkout.    At the first one, I choose English, then is says, "Please Wait for Attendant."  WTF? Is it pissed I chose English as my language?  Did this self checkout machine just get Rosetta Stone and want to work on its Spanish?  Well, f*ck that, I'm going to another one.  Get to another one, I choose English, put in the 'ol savey save f*cky f*ck card (courtesy of Bill Burr), and scan the item.  It then says, "Please Wait for Attendant."  So we wait for some teenager to come over and scan his card and punch some sh!t in..

My question is this?  WTF is the point of self checkout if you need some young punk to do sh!t for me?  I choose self checkout because I wan to go fast.  I like my checkout just like my cars and my women, fast as f*ck.

In that awesome Bill Burr clip he goes on  to hate on self checkout for different reasons than why I hate them.  I think they should have different lanes for different speeds of people using the self checkout, just like the highway.  If you are slow as balls, use the right lane.  If you know what you are doing, are going to use a credit or debit card, and don't have many items, go to the left.  If you are going to use a check and are under the age of 70, kill yourself.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to sit at a self checkout and wait for a damn attendant either because of poorly designed machines or the jerk offs in front of me in line.  A couple months ago I was buying a bunch of stuff at BJ's for my wife's 30th b-day party.  It's BJ's, so obviously everything there is super sized.  Cartons, crates, cases, whatever.  Anyway, there are self checkout options at BJ's, so I choose that because every other line is about a block and a half long with people that seem to be stockpiling for their World War III bunkers.  However, apparently, if you use self checkout and have some thing that is too heavy (like a case of water bottles), you need the attendant.  F*ck that noise.  At that point it is no longer self checkout because everything at BJ's weighs like 120 pounds. 

I'm feeling it today.  This is exactly how I feel (possibly NSFW due to swears, there's no boobies or anything):

-Big Ran