Super Terrific Happy Hour!

We haven't had a Super Terrific Happy Hour in a while, so today we'll contemplate the awesomeness of small town police blotters and how these two crimes could be connected so long as monkeys like beer.

First, from Waukesha, WI:

Theft victim says culprit accompanied by monkey

The victim of a theft said the thief had a black "chimp-looking" monkey with them.

According to a Franklin police report:

A saw was stolen from a parking lot in the 7200 block of South 27th Street prior to 7 p.m. Aug. 3.

The victim said the monkey was with the thief or thieves.

The victim was advised to call police if he sees the monkey again.

And, from Baltimore:

Give up your beer!

A word of warning -- give up your beer!

Annapolis police reported this morning:

Robbery – 700 block of Annapolis Neck Rd – 8/10 at 12:28am:  A victim was attacked for refusing to give up his beer.  After he refused, Gerald Jones, a 46 year old male from Annapolis repeatedly struck the victim in the head with a rock and stick and then fled the scene.  Jones was quickly located by police.  Gerald Jones is charged with Armed Robbery, 1st and 2nd Degree Assault, and Reckless Endangerment.  He is currently being held at the Anne Arundel County Detention Center on $500,000.

Police, unfortunately, don't say what kind of beer was involved.

-Big Ran

PS:  I will be out of the office most of the day tomorrow, so I may be a bit light on the old awesomeness.

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

So, like most women, reality TV is a guilty pleasure for me. One of my favorite shows is "Teen Mom" and, while I actually really like 2 out of the 4 girls, but the other two are awful, and Amber (naturally her name is Amber) and her on again, off again beast of a baby daddy are two of the most brutal people I have EVER seen.

With that being said, I'd like to present today's installment of LTLA:

Gary: large,hairy and in charge

Chewbacca: Large, hairy, and in charge

Captain Caveman...hairy...and in charge...

He might also look like Slimer from Ghostbusters....just a thought....

-KC Jones

Stock Market Needs to Get It's Sh!t Together

I REFUSE to look at my 401k.  What's the point?  I worry about the bills I have to pay now, never mind the one's I won't be able to pay if I can ever retire.  However, I would read the news more if they came up with headlines like this all the time.

-Big Ran

Amen, brotha!

Jeremy Irons: OK to grope bottoms

HOLLYWOOD icon Jeremy Irons has hit out at political correctness - claiming a woman should "deal with it" if a man gropes her bottom - rather than going to court.

The actor, who stars in Sky Atlantic's new historical drama The Borgias from Saturday, said: "There are too many people in power with too little to do so they churn out laws to justify their jobs.

"Most people are robust. If a man puts his hand on a woman's bottom, any woman worth her salt can deal with it.

"It's communication. Can't we be friendly?"

His outburst is sure to annoy actress wife Sinéad Cusack who wishes Jeremy would bite his tongue more often.

But he refuses to apologise for his frankness.

The Brideshead Revisited star, 62, admitted: "Sinéad criticises me for being too frank. But that's the only way I can be.

"I am what I am and I do what I do."

That's what I'm talking about, Jeremy Irons!  Can't we all just get along and alow me to grab that ass?  Also, ladies, get in the kitchen and make me a sangwich!  Quick story about an accidental groping...

I was in NY for a Sox-Yanks game and we were taking the subway to Yankee stadium.  It's obviously packed, so I am trying to squeeze on and move back from the door.  On the way in I accidentally and very lightly brush the breast of a very large and in charge woman.  At that point it was slow motion and I could either apologize and possibly make a scene or ignore it and move on.  I chose option B.  I am so thankful I did that because I then heard one of the best quotes of all time.  The woman turned to her friend and said, "Hey, he just punched me in the titty."

That was so worth the milliseconds of awkwardness.

-Big Ran

Stuck in My Head

I am totally serious. I'm not Rick Rolling your asses. Let me paint a picture for you. I get up at 5 AM to take our puppy out, so I have her in one arm while I am taking a leak and singing this song.

On another note, this song always makes me think of the Cleveland Cavaliers because they would play this in the 4th quarter when they were blowing teams out. Then I think of LeBron screwing that city over. Then I think of Delonte banging LeBron's Mom and I am happy again.

-Big Ran

PS: at the 2:06 mark a dude inexplicably jumps up against a chain link fence. The budget for this video had to be like $38.