Monday, August 8, 2011

Oh Pittsburgh, You and Your Breaking News

BREAKING NEWS

ALSO ON PHILLY.COM

Pa. zoo on brink of finishing elephant sperm bank

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Posted on Mon, Aug. 8, 2011

Pittsburgh zoo still waiting for elephant semen

The Associated Press

PITTSBURGH - Officials at the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium say they're still waiting for South African officials to ship elephant semen to the United States so the zoo can establish North America's first elephant sperm bank.

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review (http://bit.ly/qS5twH) says the zoo has been working on the plan for nearly two years, but they've had difficulty getting export and import permits for16 liters of semen being stored in the National Zoo's BioBank in Pretoria, South Africa.

The Pittsburgh Zoo is working with officials in Germany and France to establish sperm banks in Europe and the United States so elephants can be bred without having to ship the animals themselves internationally to mate.

Pittsburg Zoo president and chief executive officer Barbara Baker says, "It is taking longer than we hoped" though officials expected delays because this hasn't been done before.

Information from: Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, http://pghtrib.com

I left this page the way it was online so you could see that waiting for elephant semen was breaking news in Pittsburgh (I added the picture, because when is it NOT a good idea to Google search for elephants humping while you are at work). They don't mean elephant sailors either. They need elephants on SWOOOOOOOLE!

-Big Ran

It's Official: Chris Bosh Needs Medication

I'm sorry, I know the pics are big, but you need the detail on this one. Apparently, Bosh has already spent 40 hours having these tats done with at least another 20 to go. I have no idea what to make of this, but I really do think he need medication of some kind just to balance him out, and that is not a joke. From his wide range of emotions, to his inconsistent play, to these tattoos, he needs some inner peace.

OK, so we have a tree, a bird (a boshtrich, perhaps?) music notes, a MacBeth type chick in purple on the bottom right, a tiger, Poseidon or Zeus right below his neck, Jennifer Lopez singing on the back of his right shoulder, and the Roman Coliseum. If anyone smarter than me can figure out the connection between all of those, more power to you and please let us know.

Can you imagine some of the tattoos NBA players are going to come back with after the lockout? It's going to be amazing. I mean, millionaires that play basketball for a living don't need more free time.

-Big Ran

KC Jones Comments: First off, good find Big Ran...we might have to stop the blog now because there's no chance we're ever going to top this. Secondly, the middle picture of him makes me very nervous because he looks like he's enjoying it in an S&M sort of way....AND we have no proof that he's not getting his ass tattooed at that point. Third, there is NO medication that's going to fix this. Finally, I'm not smarter than Big Ran, so all I can do is speculate: The Coliseum is in ruins now (much like his career & the entire Miami Heat franchise), and the rest is a mash-up of things that may have been fine on their own but don't work when put together (just like the Miami Heat's current roster)......Just my thoughts....Either that or they were having a buy one get one sale on all underutilized designs and he decided to capitalize on the bargain with the lockout looming and the potential for cash being tight....Oh, and the lady w/ the skull is just a reflection of his more feminine side....What else could we possibly expect from a dude who signals that he wants the ball in the following fashion.....???

This video has popped up everywhere over the weekend, and with very good reason; it's AMAZING. I am going to go over this thing like its the Zapruder film.

0:11 - First glimpse of shenanigans from what seems to be the left field room camera. It looks like just two chicks, but the bowl cut is in there somewhere.

0:37 - The fat dude in the white shirt, binoculars, and cheesy hat first looks over. What's going on here?

0:41 - Dude behind them leaves, but he may have had a bit of a chubby, can't tell.

1:05 - Holy jorts! The entire row has jorts on. They may have all taken the same shuttle from Revere. Jorts on swole.

2:02 - Sweet cotton-poly blend Jordan tank top, bro.

2:11 - WTF?! The white shirt dude is part of this group. OK, so the bowl cut Fighting Irish fan was finger banging whit t-shirt's girlfriend then, right? White T needs to STEP IT UP!

3:05 - The group makes the move. Not just for a threesome, but how to ditch White T.

I'm still not sure what year this was, but I would guess around 1991 or 1992 based on the ND shirt, Jordan tank, and plethora of jorts. I still can't believe the guy in the white T and binoculars. This has to be, to this day, this guys saddest moment. I mean, in public, on camera, you let some dude with a bowl cut and an ND t shirt finger bang your gf. Step it up, because in that situation you cannot half ass it. You are either in 100% or getting your own cab home.

-Big Ran

A Sad Day...I'm Too Old for Beer Pong

I could have actually written this about a year ago during the height of the swine flu epidemic. That was when I convinced friends at a party to play "Hygenic Beer Pong," which consisted of filling the playing cups with water and drinking your own beer rather than everyone drinking out of the same cups game, after game, after game. That went well and we still managed to have a good time and get good and hammered.

This weekend, Mrs. Big Ran and I went to a friend's 30th birthday party. This is a big beer pong crew, so as soon as we walked in, it was on and they had all been playing for about five hours...using the same cups. Now, I'm not a germ-a-phobe, but I think I hit 30 and didn't want to share cups with an entire party of people anymore. Remember those lies you would tell yourself in college, like, "Oh, the alcohol inthe beer will kill any germs." Yeah, that doesn't happen. I've avoided mono thus far and would like to continue that trend. It would be fantastic to call into work and say, "I'm going to be out for a while, I have mono. You know, the kissing disease?"

Anyway, we get to the party and almost instantly get asked to play. I take one look at these cups and say to my wife: "Yeah, I'm not really interested in drinking out of these." These cups had been used for like five ours with everyone's hands, lips, and tongues all over them. I looked at these things and already knew I was going to get sick, but there wasn't much of a choice. There has only been one other time when I knew the instant I got sick. Last year, one of my nephews had been sick and at a Christmas party he coughed into my mouth. Like, right into it; I felt phlegm hit the back of my throat and knew it was only a matter of time. It was the same realization at this party. As I was pouring the beer into the cups to play, I knew it was going to happen.

Fast forward to 6 AM the next morning when I wake up with some, let's call it, "intestinal distress." And this morning I wake up with a sore throat. This wasn't a hangover since I had like two other beers other than that one game of beer pong.

Thus, a sad day for all Americans on Saturday, when I realized that unless it's "hygenic," I am too old for beer pong.

-Big Ran

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

Even though we know they're not related, they clearly share(d) the same plastic surgeon...I don't have too much commentary to make on this little situation as the pictures speak for themselves...

Kris Kardashian/Jenner: Woman in men's attire with a plastic face and too much makeup...

Michael Jackson: Possibly another woman in men's clothing with a plastic face and too much makeup...

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Also, I'd like to take this moment to add Kris Kardashian/Jenner/what have you to my "World Population Day" (Control) Post list...... I'd like to put her right between that skank Watney and those 'no talent ass clowns' Nickelback....

-KC Jones

*Big Ran Note: This LTLA is on swole. Anyway, for some reason I feel like Kris Kardashian is the love child of Michael Jackson and Yao Ming. That popped into my head as soon as I saw her pic.

Irrational Rant...Desk for One, Work for Two

I am sure most people can relate to essentially having to carry a co-worker at one time or another and I am sure at some point someone has wanted to tell me to get my head out of my ass, but I figured this was a good topic to cover anyway.

At my P.O.E., a co-worker and I are swapping international coverage and clients. We both needed a change and it is always good to have more people that know a certain part of the globe. For four years I handled Asia; all the e-mails, all the calls, all the files, and all the travel. While it is a fantastic opportunity to go to an area I would never get to go to on my own, the trip is non-stop, it is a long way from home, and the jet lag is something special. Anyway, there is a three week trip to Asia for my company every fall and I have helped my co-worker plan for it. Telling him where to go, which clients to visit, advice on flights and hotels. Right before I went on vacation, we were both at a conference where I introduced him to everyone I could from the region and set up meetings for him on the spot. I was then on vacation for two weeks and when I get back, he is out and asks me to finalize several stops in Asia for him. Wait. What? I have handed everything to you on a silver platter, what have you been doing for the last two weeks? The answer is clearly nothing. He simply waited for me to come back to the office, wasting two weeks of time scheduling his own trip. This blew my mind and got me to thinking about what could be going on in someone's head that they think it is OK for you to do their work for them? I mean, on one hand, I admire your delegation skills, pawning off your own responsibilities, but its friggin' ridiculous.

Like I said earlier, I am sure everyone has someone in their office that doesn't see the problem in having you do their work. To a certain extent, I'm a sucker, but I wasn't this time and thankfully I had another co-worker give the e-mail I was going to send him before I hit send. She edited out a few uber-a-hole comments and probably salvaged that relationship.

-Big Ran

KC Jones Comment: I feel you Big Ran, some people suck so bad.....I've encountered similar situations and have found myself wanting to punch babies and kick puppies....how about the woman whose work I had to do (because she's incompetent) and she then had the testicles to ask me to PRINT IT OUT AND HAND DELIVER IT TO HER! I wasn't even suppose to be doing it in the first place.....so, yup, I printed it out and left it in my cube for her to retrieve.....lazy B!

Red Sox On Swole!

The Sox took two out of three from the Yanks this weekend, which is always nice even if it is overrated. Both of these teams are at least 8 games up in the Wild Card race, so they'll both be in the playoffs. However, it is still always nice to take a series from them because you know if the Yanks won two of three, their fans would be all fired up about being ahead in the division.

How about that guy behind Ochocinco, huh? Kind of looks like Bill Clinton a little bit, who coincidentally, is KC's favorite President EVER. Also, Chad is marrying Antoine Walker's ex-fiance? Interesting. That's about all I can say on that.

From People: The couple have also grown closer through adversity, after Lozada – the ex-fiancée of former NBA player Antoine Walker – was attacked on her VH1 reality show Basketball Wives after revealing she had slept with a castmate's ex-husband. She said Ochocinco helped her get through the episode.

"I was having a hard time [watching]," she says. "I have a lot of followers on Twitter, so everyone has an opinion on your life, and they think they know you. Some of the things they say are hurtful, but he made me keep it together. He's very supportive with everything."

Yeah, nothing could go wrong here.

-Big Ran

PS: I am going to use "on swole" as much as possible today.

Stuck in My Head

This wasn't stuck in my head right after I woke up, but after hearing Brandon Merriweather's song on The Sports Hub this morning, it is obviously the only thing I could possibly think about. I had heard this when they first played it (audio below), but I am really feeling it now. Maybe it is because the NFL season will be starting soon. Everything is on SWOOOOOLE!

-Big Ran

PS: I should probably add a little more info for those of you not familiar with Brandon Meriweather. He is a safety for the Patriots, drafted in the 1st round out of Miami in 2007 and he's on swole.

Time to Make the Donuts....

So, I was watching the Red Sox/Yankee series this weekend & I was reminded of a topic I've been wanting to touch on: Professional Athletes who are in horrific shape! The irony here is incredible. These men get paid millions upon millions of dollars to BE IN GOOD SHAPE AND WIN! Unfortunately, some of them have missed the memo and have let themselves go. Sometimes, these athletes excel in spite of their tank asses and beer guts, but more often than not, when they let themselves go, they fail to reach their full potential. So, I'd like to provide a quick list of professional athletes who you'd expect to find in McDonald's rather than on the field/court/etc....here are my top picks....

1. C.C. Sabathia: New York Yankees: He is my one of my favorite examples. This dude has moobs, a beer belly, and his uniform could be cut up and made into uniforms for the entire team. Out of shape appears to be an understatement in this case. Look at this picture, can you see the sweat? Yes, athletes sweat, but this pic was probably taken while he was throwing out the first pitch of the game. I get winded just watching him. From what I've seen and heard, he's successful despite his weight (although he does seem to struggle against the Red Sox). Obviously seeing him this weekend reminded me that I wanted to blog about this topic.

2. Robert "Tractor" Traylor: NBA Player: Sadly, he recently passed away from a heart attack at the young age of 34.No longer playing in the NBA, he had 'taken his talents' (shout out to Le'Douche James) to Puerto Rico. This guy had big talent during his time at Michigan, was heavily scouted and left college to be picked #6 in the 1998 draft, but his full potential wasn't even CLOSE to being recognized as a professional. This is my favorite picture of him because first of all the uniform is just ridiculous--seriously, the Toronto Raptors have NEVER been taken seriously and this jersey proves why! And secondly, I think he MIGHT have been given a size "Small" when he needed an "XL". RIP Tractor.

3. John Daly: Professional Golfer: Let me preface this by saying that I do not view golf as a sport. It is a hobby, a past time, and surely it does require skill, but so doesn't knitting, cooking, and painting, and none of those activities are considered sports. However, since many people DO consider it a sport, I have to include the biggest (literally) disaster of all time in this list. The man smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, and probably eats a full meal at least once an hour, so I can't believe he's even alive, let alone able to walk the golf course. I guess that's why they have carts----wanna bet his cart (and bag) are full of scooby snacks for the long walks between holes?

He looks good for a pregnant man!

4. Vince Wilfork: New England Patriots: No doubt about it, this guy is a beast! He's lived up to his full potential and then some and has the championships to prove it. I'm sure his sport of choice is a huge reason for this, because if he were a baseball, basketball, or hockey player things wouldn't be so rosy for him. There is almost no difference in the width of his head and neck, and his jersey looks like spandex on him! I love this guy----fun to watch play, fun to listen to, and someone any team would be proud to have!

5. Glen "Big Baby" Davis: Boston Celtics: Even at his best, this guy is doughy and lacking in the muscle definition department. Baby has his great spurts but there are always disastrous spurts intermingled. Granted, he's in much better shape now than he was at LSU, but I guess that's not really saying much. I'm sure all Celtics fans were as proud as I was to see him topless on the parade route during 2008, proving that you don't have to be ripped like Ray Allen to be a champion.

6. Antoine Walker: former NBA Player, various teams: 'Toine's talents were sadly overshadowed by his tremendous lack of discipline off the court. This guy had so much potential, but a series of poor decisions both professionally and personally have left him bankrupt and playing for the Idaho Stampede--one of the D-League teams. It should also be noted that this member of the 2006 Miami Heat Championship team was also sent home from the team at one point because he was so out of shape and gaining weight. Seriously?! How awesome is that? That's something you don't hear about every day!! The Walker Wiggle was no joke!

And the list goes on....but again, these are my favorites....

Happy Monday!

-KC Jones

*Big Ran Addition:

David Wells - This dude was sloppy fat and was somehow a decent pitcher. He also pitched a perfect game drunk from the night before.

Dante Bichette - This was the type of guy the old regime for the Sox would always sign or aquire. The over-th-hill, slow, fat veteran, who maybe had some talent 10 years earlier. God, I hated this guy.