There is no topping that last post, so we're heading out on a high note. See you tomorrow everybody!
-Big Ran
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I Love My Commute, Part II
So, yesterday morning's commute turned out to be more interesting than I had planned. Thanks to the suggestions supplied by Big Ran's earlier post, I was able to handle things in much calmer way than my primal instincts would have otherwise dictated.
Let me set the scene for you: So, I'm in my car, breezing down the Massachusetts Turnpike, listening to Puff Daddy and the Family's "No Way Out" CD. That CD is a masterpiece and I can only hope that one day rap music returns to the splendor of the late 1990's. (RIP B.I.G. & Pac), but I digress. Anyway, I was in a good mood. It was nice and sunny, I had the sunroof open, and it was humpday (two days away from Friday and two days better than Monday!). As I put my blinker on to vacate the Pike at Exit #13, that's when the chaos ensued.
Traffic was backed up all the way onto the Pike, so we were at a dead stop. As all of the cars finally began to creep along to the ONE LANE part of the exit, (prior to where is explodes into multiple lanes of potential vehicular homicide) I hear someone laying on their horn. I looked in my rearview mirror, wondering who the crazy ass was, because, like I said, traffic was slow and you can blare on your horn all you want, but it's not going to help. To my surprise (because "All About the Benjamins" was playing in my Honda, drowning out the background noise), I noticed the woman in back of me, in her Nissan, pretty much on top of my car, flipping out. She's screaming and swearing and doing all sorts of crazy motions with her arms. Had it not been for the furrowed brow and yelling (I could read her lips), I may have thought she was Jazzercising. She was trying to pull up next to me when it was only one lane!
It was at that moment, I decided to employ a variation of Big Ran's method for dealing with Road Ragers. I looked back into my rear-view and waved to her and smiled. Eventually, she somehow ended up next to me, but I think half of her car was up on the barrier between the road and the grass. Her window was rolled down, and she went insane! The mental midget dropped the C word! All the while, despite my urge to jump out of the car and beat her with my snow brush, I smiled and waved, and motioned to her that she should try to pull ahead of me. This was particularly infuriating to her because the person in front of me was NOT directly in front of me and the person in front of them wasn't in line with them either. The zig-zag formation in the one lane was really disrupting her ability to blow right by us.
And then it happened. She threw her arms up in the air with her hands in claw like formations, motioning as though she was going to scratch me from a distance. The only comparison I can make it to an angry, retarded bear. At this moment, I began laughing and rolled down my window and stated, "You're so pretty!". This was the end for her. The C word was totally dropped again, and she tried to speed off as we were getting to the point where the road opened ever so slightly, only to be trapped behind another car.
This broad was a BEAST! She clearly wasn't in a rush to get to work, unless of course she worked in a sewer or in the woods, so I'm not sure WHAT was going on. Her hair was piled up on her head looking like it hadn't been washed in days. Her sunglasses were tangled up in that nest and her skin resembled a well worn leather bag. She had hot pink and black fake nails (yes, she was THAT close to my car) that totally would have tore me to shreds had she reached me when she was role playing a bear. That being said, I have no idea what inspired her to act like that---the only thing I can imagine is that she might have been late in going to pick up her pimp OR for her methadone clinic appointment.
Thank you, Big Ran, for inspiring me to take "the high road" with this trick and a shout out to Puff Daddy and the Family for providing the soundtrack for these shenanigans. Miss you BIG!
-KC Jones
P.S. The irony is at one point, I was listening to the song "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" and I'm pretty sure the lyrics sum up her mindset perfectly...."Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down.....oh no, I've got to keep on moving"...That's right Beastmaster, you've got to keep on moving---and nobody is gonna take your pride, because you clearly have none!
*Big Ran Note: I know nobody can see me right now, but I am slowly clapping in my POE.
BRA-F*CKING-VO!
Let me set the scene for you: So, I'm in my car, breezing down the Massachusetts Turnpike, listening to Puff Daddy and the Family's "No Way Out" CD. That CD is a masterpiece and I can only hope that one day rap music returns to the splendor of the late 1990's. (RIP B.I.G. & Pac), but I digress. Anyway, I was in a good mood. It was nice and sunny, I had the sunroof open, and it was humpday (two days away from Friday and two days better than Monday!). As I put my blinker on to vacate the Pike at Exit #13, that's when the chaos ensued.
Traffic was backed up all the way onto the Pike, so we were at a dead stop. As all of the cars finally began to creep along to the ONE LANE part of the exit, (prior to where is explodes into multiple lanes of potential vehicular homicide) I hear someone laying on their horn. I looked in my rearview mirror, wondering who the crazy ass was, because, like I said, traffic was slow and you can blare on your horn all you want, but it's not going to help. To my surprise (because "All About the Benjamins" was playing in my Honda, drowning out the background noise), I noticed the woman in back of me, in her Nissan, pretty much on top of my car, flipping out. She's screaming and swearing and doing all sorts of crazy motions with her arms. Had it not been for the furrowed brow and yelling (I could read her lips), I may have thought she was Jazzercising. She was trying to pull up next to me when it was only one lane!
 |
| She's ugly, but the real thing was even worse! |
This broad was a BEAST! She clearly wasn't in a rush to get to work, unless of course she worked in a sewer or in the woods, so I'm not sure WHAT was going on. Her hair was piled up on her head looking like it hadn't been washed in days. Her sunglasses were tangled up in that nest and her skin resembled a well worn leather bag. She had hot pink and black fake nails (yes, she was THAT close to my car) that totally would have tore me to shreds had she reached me when she was role playing a bear. That being said, I have no idea what inspired her to act like that---the only thing I can imagine is that she might have been late in going to pick up her pimp OR for her methadone clinic appointment.
Thank you, Big Ran, for inspiring me to take "the high road" with this trick and a shout out to Puff Daddy and the Family for providing the soundtrack for these shenanigans. Miss you BIG!
-KC Jones
P.S. The irony is at one point, I was listening to the song "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" and I'm pretty sure the lyrics sum up her mindset perfectly...."Can't nobody take my pride, can't nobody hold me down.....oh no, I've got to keep on moving"...That's right Beastmaster, you've got to keep on moving---and nobody is gonna take your pride, because you clearly have none!
*Big Ran Note: I know nobody can see me right now, but I am slowly clapping in my POE.
BRA-F*CKING-VO!
Irrational Rant...Line Creepers
This rant was inspired by the broad behind me in line this afternoon, when I was buying my lunch. This has absolutely happened more than once, but I'll focus on today's events.
We have a cafe/cafeteria at work and I often head over there to grab something to eat before bringing it back to my office to have lunch with my peeps. I like to beat the crowd and get there right at or before noon, but today I was working on something (probably the blog) and couldn't get there until 12:30 and it was packed. Surprisingly the line wasn't too long, but I grabbed a pre-made sandwich and jumped into line. First, this woman walked into line right in front of me, but I could tell she was just clueless and she eventually got out of line and back in behind me. So as people check out and move up, every time the line budges, her styrofoam plate hits my left elbow because apparently, every time the line moves one inch, she has to move at least two. Now, thankfully, I was in a pretty good mood; its a nice day, its Thursday, so I will let it slide. However, on her end, why would you want your plate of food touching a stranger's arm. I sure as hell wouldn't want someone's nasty elbow in my soup.
My favorite line creeper story was from my friend Erin a few years back. She was at a supermarket and in line with her cart. The woman behind her kept moving up and hitting Erin in the back with her cart. So, the first time, Erin turns around and just gives her a look. The second time, she turns around and says, "Excuse me, could you be more careful with your cart?" The third time, she turns around and kicks the front of the cart so it pushes the woman back and says, "You wanna see what happens if you hit me a fourth time?" Awesome. That's how you ride on a line creeper. Erin is a gansta.
On another note, I also had a couple of business casual bros that were separated by me and the line creeper trying to have a conversation in line around us. I f-ing hate that too. Don't have a public conversation with non-related parties between you, then look at me like I'm eavesdropping. Trust me, you are not nearly important or entertaining enough for me to want to listen to, in fact, I would love it if you would just STFU until I am gone.
-Big Ran
PS: Obligatory Ice Cube quote: "Why the f*ck we goin' in when there's b!tches in line?"
KC Jones note: I couldn't have said it better myself Big Ran. HOLLLAAA!!!
Lunchtime Look-a-Like
Inspired by Big Ran's post, I would like to present Courtney Love and Lady Gaga as 'twiny twin twins':
 |
| Dude looks like a lady! (Ironic caption, as you'll later realize) |
 |
| This mess IS a lady... |
So many similarities--
1. Both bleached blondes with nice teeth
2. Both are capable of looking either really good or really gross.
3. Both enjoy walking around in interesting outfits (and sometimes barely anything at all).
4. Many times, they appear to be under the influence of something other than just creative juices.
5. Both smoke cigarettes.
6. Both are singers.
7. They each have had their share of controversy, but are no doubt very talented.....
 |
| Both enjoy getting made up! |
 | ||
| Courtney looking like a classy lady! |
 |
| Pretty "Lady"! |
I'd also like to present a couple of other people Courtney might be related to. Please note that these two were NOT original ideas, I stumbled upon them while trying to prove out my theory above:
And, finally:
Headlines of the Year!
One day, two headlines that jump right off the page. However, can we please get some more pictures? I mean pictures are worth a thousand words and in these cases, they may be worth more.
The first, from Chicago (pic from the NY Daily News and the first story I saw was from Channel 10 in Tampa (emphasis is mine):
The first, from Chicago (pic from the NY Daily News and the first story I saw was from Channel 10 in Tampa (emphasis is mine):
Big-breasted Woman at Chicago Trial Spurs Objection
 |
| Daddy like! |
A Chicago lawyer says his opponent in a small claims case is using an unfair tactic by
sitting a buxom woman next to him at counsel's table.
Attorney Thomas Gooch says the woman's sole purpose "is to draw the attention of the jury
away from the relevant proceedings" -- a dispute over a used car. He asks Cook County
Circuit Judge Anita Rivkin-Carothers to order the woman to sit in the gallery with other
spectators.
In responding to the pretrial motion, attorney Dmitry N. Feofanov said the woman is his
paralegal assistant and contends Gooch cites no "good faith legal argument" why she can't
sit at counsel's table. Feofanov, who in the past has described himself as a "consumer
protection lawyer," asked Rivkin-Carothers to impose sanctions on Gooch for his motion.
Gooch told the Chicago Daily Law Bulletin he wasn't objecting to the woman because she is
buxom, but because he doesn't think she is a paralegal.
"Personally, I like large breasts," he said. "However, I object to somebody I don't think is
a qualified paralegal sitting at the counsel table -- when there's already two lawyers there --
dressed in such a fashion as to call attention to herself."
Gooch said he and Feofanov have faced off in mandatory arbitration. At the time, he objected
to the woman sitting at the counsel table and arbitrators asked her to leave, he said.
Feofanov said he "didn't believe it is professional to try a case in the press." However, he
turned over public documents on the case to the Daily Law Bulletin.
According to Feofanov, the paralegal, who the Law Bulletin says is identified in documents as
Daniella Atencia, has been paid as a paralegal in two court orders by Cook County judges.
Both times, the rate for the paralegal was $115 an hour.
For Headline #2 I will work on some pics like I did for the last story, true journalism from The Takeover
today:
Man says pants, car missing after 'liaison' with big-thighed woman in Fort Pierce
TC Palm - The tale of "misfortune" began with a trip to Fort Pierce and a woman with "real big thighs."
Mixed in the plot were an hourly "lodging establishment" and gin drinks. In the end, a 24-year-old man told police his silver trousers, borrowed rental car, cash and other items went missing.
That, according to statements in a recently released police report, is what played out about a week ago in the Sunrise City.
A 30-year-old man told Fort Pierce police he lent his rented Dodge Avenger May 19 to his 24-year-old friend, who he said "encountered some misfortune" and the car was stolen.
The friend, a Vero Beach resident, said he borrowed the vehicle about 5 p.m. and drove to Fort Pierce to meet a "female acquaintance." When he arrived, the woman he was supposed to meet didn't answer the phone.
Seeking "female companionship," the man drove to a park at North 13th Street and Avenue M where he saw females "'hanging out.'"
He spied a woman in her early to mid 20s with "real big thighs" and a light complexion. They ended up in the Dodge, and the man said they "talked for about an hour before he 'talked her out of her pants.'"
They drove to a "lodging establishment" that rents rooms by the hour, and he gave the woman with "real big thighs" $30 for a room.
Both imbibed several drinks containing gin, which is created by distilling rye or other grains with juniper berries and which some mix with tonic or use in making martinis.
The man got intoxicated and they engaged in a "liaison," the nature of which was not detailed in the report, before falling asleep.
When he woke, the woman with "real big thighs" was missing, as were his rental car keys, silver trousers, gold bracelet, watch, $282 in cash and the Dodge Avenger.
The man said he didn't give the woman with "real big thighs" permission to take the vehicle or anything else.
The man's silver pants, valued at about $50, were size 36, and the report didn't indicate whether they'd fit a woman with "real big thighs."
-Big Ran
Is This Person Good Looking?
A question as old as time itself, or maybe like 2 years: Is Lady Gaga good looking? Honestly, I have no idea what to make of her. Ever since the dong fiasco last year, I am always in serious doubt. Anyway, I always have serious respect for actors and musicians that do an SNL Digital Short (this will require a separate post itself), so let's gather some info.
From Wikipedia (which according to a YouTube video I watched is as accurate as Encyclopedia Britannica, so I think we know it's a lock):
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (born March 28, 1986), better known by her stage name Lady Gaga, is an American pop singer-songwriter. After performing in the rock music scene of New York City's Lower East Side in 2003 and later enrolling at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts, she soon signed with Streamline Records, an imprint of Interscope Records. During her early time at Interscope, she worked as a songwriter for fellow label artists and captured the attention of recording artist Akon, who recognized her vocal abilities, and signed her to his own label, Kon Live Distribution.
So, I am going to go with she is 100% woman and leave it at that (also note the Akon/SNL connection).
The good...
From Wikipedia (which according to a YouTube video I watched is as accurate as Encyclopedia Britannica, so I think we know it's a lock):
Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (born March 28, 1986), better known by her stage name Lady Gaga, is an American pop singer-songwriter. After performing in the rock music scene of New York City's Lower East Side in 2003 and later enrolling at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts, she soon signed with Streamline Records, an imprint of Interscope Records. During her early time at Interscope, she worked as a songwriter for fellow label artists and captured the attention of recording artist Akon, who recognized her vocal abilities, and signed her to his own label, Kon Live Distribution.
So, I am going to go with she is 100% woman and leave it at that (also note the Akon/SNL connection).
The good...
 |
| As you can see, I am digging her as a brunette. |
The not so good...
 |
| Aye carumba! |
 |
| Welcome to Bizarro Sesame Street |
Looking online is really a hit or miss, as many good as bad depending on your taste or tolerance for the outlandish (read: meat dresses). Now here's where I get back to my SNL Digital Short reference: she was on the past Saturday as the musical guest with Justin Timberlake hosting and in the short she looked friggin' AWESOME. A little Jersey Shorish, but awesome.
This turned it around for me, but I'm still not ready to commit. What do you think?
-Big Ran
PS: Great SNL Short. Gaga comes in around the 1:25 mark, but it is definitely worth watching the whole thing.
PPS: KC Jones says, Big Ran, if by "friggin awesome" you mean 'rode hard and put away wet', I feel you. I'm sorry, but in this still above, Gaga is bearing a striking resemblance to everyone's favorite trainwreck, Amy Winehouse (obviously with different haircolors). For your reference:
*Big Ran Note: I LOVE the term "ridden hard and put away wet." I have used that at work and nobody knew what I was talking about, so KC gets points for that. Have you seen Winehouse lately? No dice on that one anymore.
*KC Jones Note: Is Winehouse in Rehab yet??? By the way, I completely agree....I'm digging GaGa as a brunette as well. The first picture is smokin'.....
Wet 'N Wild
This pretty much made my day when I heard about it. Seriously? What is WRONG with people? Could you even imagine being a witness to something like this? I wouldn't know whether to laugh or call for help (obviously once the punch was thrown I'd know exactly what to do, but the shenanigans leading up to it are remarkable!)
Couple of questions:
1. Is anyone else impressed by this dude's ability to retrieve the watermelon from the ocean? I would think that it would have quickly been pulled out to a watery grave. Maybe this guy's the real life "Aquaman"...
2. Why did he leave it alone after he 'saved' it? Obviously he and the watermelon share a special bond if he went in to rescue it in the first place.
3. What does one do with a rotting watermelon anyways?
4. How awesome is this woman for doing this TWICE?
5. Would he have been charged with assault had the punch in the face not happened?
6. Has anyone else in the world ever used a 'swim noodle' as a weapon?
Woman attacked with wet swim noodle
(Fox 25/MyFoxBoston.com) - A Florida man, apparently angry over a watermelon, is accused of attacking a woman with a swim noodle.
According to Naples police, a woman on the beach noticed a carved, rotting watermelon and threw it in the ocean so it wouldn't attract bugs.
That’s when Karl Ludwig Eichner retrieved the fruit.
But when the woman put it back in the ocean, he allegedly dumped the noodle full of water over her and punched her in the face.
Eichner was arrested for assault.
Read more: http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/crime_files/crime_watch/woman-attacked-with-wet-swim-noodle-20110525#ixzz1NT6Mfn53
-KC Jones
Couple of questions:
1. Is anyone else impressed by this dude's ability to retrieve the watermelon from the ocean? I would think that it would have quickly been pulled out to a watery grave. Maybe this guy's the real life "Aquaman"...
2. Why did he leave it alone after he 'saved' it? Obviously he and the watermelon share a special bond if he went in to rescue it in the first place.
3. What does one do with a rotting watermelon anyways?
4. How awesome is this woman for doing this TWICE?
5. Would he have been charged with assault had the punch in the face not happened?
6. Has anyone else in the world ever used a 'swim noodle' as a weapon?
Woman attacked with wet swim noodle
(Fox 25/MyFoxBoston.com) - A Florida man, apparently angry over a watermelon, is accused of attacking a woman with a swim noodle.
According to Naples police, a woman on the beach noticed a carved, rotting watermelon and threw it in the ocean so it wouldn't attract bugs.
That’s when Karl Ludwig Eichner retrieved the fruit.
But when the woman put it back in the ocean, he allegedly dumped the noodle full of water over her and punched her in the face.
Eichner was arrested for assault.
Read more: http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/crime_files/crime_watch/woman-attacked-with-wet-swim-noodle-20110525#ixzz1NT6Mfn53
-KC Jones
Why Am I Just Seeing This Now?
This is awesome. Best acting by an athlete ever and he didn't even say anything. When you see this you really understand how he totally sold the wheelchair routine in the '08 Finals. Bravo! Bravo!
In all honesty, I had not seen this before and I can't believe they don't play it non-stop during the playoffs. The only tough part is that I get more and more disappointed that the Cs were knocked out by the Miami Ass Hats. Is there any doubt that the Bulls need to activate Scalabrine and have him put LeEgo on lockdown?
 |
| LeEgo's worst nightmare |
-Big Ran
PS: Can I touch you?
Nothing I Say Can Top This Photo
In honor of the Mavs winning the Western Conference Championship, we'll bust out this classic photo. Substitute J-Kidd, Tyson Chandler, and Shawn Marion, and I can see this being last night's celebration.
Remember the love triangle between J-Kidd, Jimmy Jackson, and Toni Braxton. I always forget about that before realizing that J-Kidd had to return to the scene of that crime when he was traded to Dallas.
The Mavs were actually on their way to being an exciting team back in the mid-90s, then Jamal Mashburn blew out his knee and Toni Braxton had to come between (no pun intended) teammates and force the Mavs to trade Jackson. Sad times in the Big D. So we can all rejoice that the tide turned when Mark Cuban bought the team.
-Big Ran
KC Jones had not idea about this rumored love triangle. I wonder if these guys were glued to their televisions during T-Brax's "Dancing With The Stars" stint.....wow....amazing, you learn something new every day!
So Pumped for the Summer Blockbusters!
Looks good, huh? In the traditions of James Bond, Jurassic Park, and other movies I can't remember that are huge hits for the summer, we have "The Smurfs." Now, I don't have kids, but I know when I was a kid, I hated the Smurfs, so I don't think this is on my must see list.
I have a feeling KC will disagree and may actually camp out the night before to make sure she gets a ticket.
-Big Ran
KC Jones says: Big Ran, you are CORRECT sir, when I saw that there was going to be a Smurfs movie I have to admit, I said "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"....How can you NOT like the Smurfs? Are you communist? And, seriously, like Smurfette isn't one of the best looking cartoon females out there!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)