-Big Ran
Monday, May 9, 2011
Don't Call it a Comback
There is no doubt about it or any reason to mince words. Tonight's game, just like Game 3 is the season. This is again, the biggest game of the season. You cannot go down 3-1 and have game 5 on the road. The Celtics need to win this game and make it a three game series. You absolutely sell out for tonight, just like Rondo did in Game 3. Leave everything, including elbow ligaments on the court. You win tonight and worry about who's left for Game 5 tomorrow. I don't know how Rondo will feel, but I bet he tries to play if nothing else. From John Havlicek returning with a dislocated shoulder, to McHale playing with a broken foot, to Bird returning after bouncing his dome off the court, to Pierce getting Mr. Miyagi treatment after being carted off in a wheel chair, the Celts need to bring every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears to the Garden tonight (BST bitches!).
Andrei Kirilenko Got a Cute New Tattoo
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| This will go over big in Mormon Country, huh? |
Wonder what his accordion-rocking doppelganger thinks about this?
-Big Ran
KC Jones: You're never gonna believe this Big Ran, but apparently accordion-rocking doppelganger got one too! Rumor has it they went together and even got a group discount!
-Big Ran
KC Jones: You're never gonna believe this Big Ran, but apparently accordion-rocking doppelganger got one too! Rumor has it they went together and even got a group discount!
If You Can't Stand the Heat...
...You're in Good Company! Just getting psyched for tonight's match up, bear with me...
-KC Jones
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| "I can't believe I forgot my talents in South Beach!!!" |
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| "Why can't I be a part of the REAL Big Three?" |
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"I'm running out of space, where am I going to put my "Loser" tattoo?" |
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| "How do you expect me to concentrate on winning when you've told me there's a huge sale going on at J.Crew AND Abercrombie?" |
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| "Wait, it's a CLEARANCE sale?" |
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| Oh no you didn't! |
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| "Yeah, the Raptors really were a better fit....I look like one" |
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| "I can't wait to become the spokesman for a prescription anti-depressant in the offseason" |
Super Terrific Happy Hour!
Whitney goes back to rehab for booze and drugs.
Poor Whit is going back to rehab and for today's Super Terrific Happy Hour, we'll throw out some of her career highlights as well as my theory why she is back in treatment.
This had to be her peak, right? I mean when people talk about National Anthem performences, this is always #1 on the list.
I never really got into her music, but this was always another great hit for me:
The unlikely pairing with Kevin Costner:
There was the reality show before the divorce:
Finally, and I am sure KC can add much more substance to this whole post, my theory as to why she's back in rehab. When a chubby Asian kid can sing your biggest hit better than you can now, that's a lot to deal with when Bobby Brown isn't around.
-Big Ran
PS: Just in case anyone wanted to shop for crack...
Birth Control
So this weekend, Mrs. Big Ran and I watched her sister's two boys (four and six years old) Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Let me tell you thin right now, I think that there should be a law instituted that if you are thinking of having kids, you are required to take care of someone else's kids overnight. In fact, they should force all high school kids to do this. Forget Sex Ed class, this would do the trick.
My wife got to her sister's house around 1 pm on Saturday and when I headed over there around 5 pm, she looked like a broken woman. I am going to skip to some of the fun details I experienced myself, but suffice it to say, I got there just in time. Trying to keep kids away from a stove while you are making them dinner? Terrifying. Making sure they finish dinner? Excruciating. The six year old was fine eating, but needed me to then play with Legos or Wii with him immediately after he was done. The four year old, had like three bites of soup before plunging both hands in to play with it for the 6 seconds it took me to put his brother's dish in the sink. So, the newly bathed and pajama'd kid is now covered in noodle soup. I give him a paper towel which he puts into the soup, then when it is saturated, into his mouth. Awesome.
We then go to the basement to play Wii, "Duck, Duck, Goose," and rock out to Bon Jovi before reading and going to bed by 8 pm. It is 9 pm before they seem to be as asleep. Ultimately, the four year old ends up sleeping with the six year old. No prob, their parents aren't home, so that's weird for them. We go to bed around midnight after the Celtics game and by 1:15 am, the six year old is in our room crying because his brother moves around too much. So, at this point we now have me, my wife, a six year old, and two dogs in our bed. My wife eventually ends up in the six year old's bed with the four year old.
Dude, kids move around like crazy when they sleep. I was literally up every 10 minutes and at one point, his head was hanging off the side of the bed while his feet were in my chest. At 5:30 am we have the following discussion:
6 yr old: Can we get up now, it's light out?
Big Ran: How about we try to sleep a little longer?
6 yr old: How about 6?
Big Ran: How about 7?
6 yr old: OK, I'm just going to play with the dogs.
Needless to say, we got up. To watch cartoons, and play with more Legos, and have breakfast, and change, and play soccer, and to ride bikes, and to cry. At one point, the four year old just looks up at me and says: "I wiped my nose on your shirt." He sure did, like really yellow snot all over the bottom of my shirt.
If they had high school kids actually take care of kids, they would never have sex.
-Big Ran
KC Jones' Comments: This is priceless. Choice of words, descriptions, etc, everything is superb!
Office Etiquette
Have you ever been sitting in your cube and been overtaken with the nauseating smell of fish, curry, or some other objectionable aroma? Have you ever been trying to concentrate and been distracted by someone crunching away in the aisle next to you? Have you ever had someone in your cube but you can't hear what they're saying because your cube neighbor is slurping away? Take consolation in knowing that most other people in the working world have suffered the same injustices as well! In order to vent and educate the general public, I'd like to provide some basic guidelines for grazing in the office.
The Takeover's Rules for Cubicle (and Office) Cuisine:
1. Not every type of food should be brought into your office or cube. Just because YOU like the smell of fish (or curry, or egg salad, etc), doesn't mean everyone else does. As a matter of fact, I LOVE fish, but the smell? Not so much. And, when we're working in close quarters in large buildings where the windows are bolted shut to prevent us from jumping, any particularly pungent food should be reserved for consumption in the cafeteria or NOT AT ALL. Every Tuesday is "Indian Buffet" day at my company. While I have NO interest in this sort of food, I have no problem with it as long as it's kept in the cafeteria. Unfortunately, many people are inconsiderate and feel that it is okay to feast on it from the comfort of their cubes. FAIL! The only exception to this rule is when someone has let you in on a secret. For example, a good buddy of mine, whom we shall call Malcolm, used to bring fish up to his cube every Friday. It was gross and enraging until he let us in on his motivation: He was doing it to irritate the hell out of the biggest witch with a 'b' who sat in front of him. And it DID irritate her, and she was VERY loud about it. She was so awful to EVERYONE, so as soon as I learned of his reasons, I was actually very supportive. She didn't last too long in our department and there's no more fish on Fridays.
2. Dispose of Properly: When you are done with your food, assess the situation. Is the trash left behind something that will fester and nauseate those around you if you dump it into the bin in your cube? If the answer is 'yes' (think: leftover salad with strong dressing, anything with sauce, a bite of a tuna sandwich, etc), get your lazy ass up and bring it to the trash in a common area where it will not bother people. This is so simple I shouldn't even have to say it. If you lack the common sense or consideration to follow this rule, you should have your tongue cut out so you can no longer enjoy food.
3. Snack time: If you're anything like me, you pretty much have to eat constantly, so you have a wide array of snacks on hand at all times. This is great, except when people use their snacks as "Weapons of Mass Distraction". What does this mean, you ask? Snacks become weapons when someone is crunching super loudly for WAY longer than need be (chips, carrots, pretzels, are frequent offenders) or when someone is slurping away or making another type of disgusting/disruptive noise with every sip or bite. We have a dude here who I refer to as "Captain Crunch". EVERY day he has at least three snacks that result in extended periods of chomping and crunching. As a matter of fact, he's doing it RIGHT NOW! It's SO annoying to the people who sit around him. How in God's name is he unaware of how obnoxious it is? People have to pull out headphones at certain times in order to drown him out so they can focus on their work. Thank GOD I don't have to sit next to this distraction. Also, in a former department of mine, we had 'the slurper'. This guy needs to be put down anyway because he's just offensive in EVERY way. (In future "Office Etiquette" posts, I will address "The Slurper" in greater detail). With every sip, he would toss your concentration right off the tracks. Unacceptable. One of these days, someone is going to go toss his hot and steamy beverage right on his lap and laugh. And I won't blame them.
4. Produce: Sometimes we choose to get bad snacks instead of eating the healthy food we bring in from home. This is all fun and games until the fruit sitting on someone's desk begins to rot. General rule: two days. If you haven't eaten it in two days, please get rid of it. No one wants to smell rotting bananas or be chased around the office by an aggressive pack of fruit flies.
5. Cleanup time: If you do eat in your cube, please clean up after yourself. There's nothing more disgusting than entering someone's cube or office for something work related and leaving with a grease stain on the paper you're holding or with crumbs on your sleeves because you rested your arm on their desk. Even worse is having your hand stick when you put it on someone's desk. Seriously, have some pride people. Would you do this at home? If the answer is "yes", then you're gross and you should stay there instead of coming to work each day.
-KC Jones
The Takeover's Rules for Cubicle (and Office) Cuisine:
1. Not every type of food should be brought into your office or cube. Just because YOU like the smell of fish (or curry, or egg salad, etc), doesn't mean everyone else does. As a matter of fact, I LOVE fish, but the smell? Not so much. And, when we're working in close quarters in large buildings where the windows are bolted shut to prevent us from jumping, any particularly pungent food should be reserved for consumption in the cafeteria or NOT AT ALL. Every Tuesday is "Indian Buffet" day at my company. While I have NO interest in this sort of food, I have no problem with it as long as it's kept in the cafeteria. Unfortunately, many people are inconsiderate and feel that it is okay to feast on it from the comfort of their cubes. FAIL! The only exception to this rule is when someone has let you in on a secret. For example, a good buddy of mine, whom we shall call Malcolm, used to bring fish up to his cube every Friday. It was gross and enraging until he let us in on his motivation: He was doing it to irritate the hell out of the biggest witch with a 'b' who sat in front of him. And it DID irritate her, and she was VERY loud about it. She was so awful to EVERYONE, so as soon as I learned of his reasons, I was actually very supportive. She didn't last too long in our department and there's no more fish on Fridays.
2. Dispose of Properly: When you are done with your food, assess the situation. Is the trash left behind something that will fester and nauseate those around you if you dump it into the bin in your cube? If the answer is 'yes' (think: leftover salad with strong dressing, anything with sauce, a bite of a tuna sandwich, etc), get your lazy ass up and bring it to the trash in a common area where it will not bother people. This is so simple I shouldn't even have to say it. If you lack the common sense or consideration to follow this rule, you should have your tongue cut out so you can no longer enjoy food.
3. Snack time: If you're anything like me, you pretty much have to eat constantly, so you have a wide array of snacks on hand at all times. This is great, except when people use their snacks as "Weapons of Mass Distraction". What does this mean, you ask? Snacks become weapons when someone is crunching super loudly for WAY longer than need be (chips, carrots, pretzels, are frequent offenders) or when someone is slurping away or making another type of disgusting/disruptive noise with every sip or bite. We have a dude here who I refer to as "Captain Crunch". EVERY day he has at least three snacks that result in extended periods of chomping and crunching. As a matter of fact, he's doing it RIGHT NOW! It's SO annoying to the people who sit around him. How in God's name is he unaware of how obnoxious it is? People have to pull out headphones at certain times in order to drown him out so they can focus on their work. Thank GOD I don't have to sit next to this distraction. Also, in a former department of mine, we had 'the slurper'. This guy needs to be put down anyway because he's just offensive in EVERY way. (In future "Office Etiquette" posts, I will address "The Slurper" in greater detail). With every sip, he would toss your concentration right off the tracks. Unacceptable. One of these days, someone is going to go toss his hot and steamy beverage right on his lap and laugh. And I won't blame them.
4. Produce: Sometimes we choose to get bad snacks instead of eating the healthy food we bring in from home. This is all fun and games until the fruit sitting on someone's desk begins to rot. General rule: two days. If you haven't eaten it in two days, please get rid of it. No one wants to smell rotting bananas or be chased around the office by an aggressive pack of fruit flies.
5. Cleanup time: If you do eat in your cube, please clean up after yourself. There's nothing more disgusting than entering someone's cube or office for something work related and leaving with a grease stain on the paper you're holding or with crumbs on your sleeves because you rested your arm on their desk. Even worse is having your hand stick when you put it on someone's desk. Seriously, have some pride people. Would you do this at home? If the answer is "yes", then you're gross and you should stay there instead of coming to work each day.
-KC Jones
Miami Feeling the Heat (see what I did there)?
After Chris Bosh's spectacular 6 point, 5 rebound performance at the Garden in game three, we hear that he battled through a stiff neck from sleeping the wrong way (:42 second mark is awesome as the reporter asks how he hurt his neck, then audibly laughs at him). This came out AFTER we saw Rajon Rondo have his arm bent the wrong way after being assisted to the ground by Wade, come back 15 minutes later and play the entire fourth quarter. Not seen in this clip is how Bosh let his nerves get to him because of the crowd. Watch him get up from the table, also a classic moment. If you are going to the game tonight, I beg of you to go absolutely crazy. If you have to crush Red Bulls, do a mountain of coke Tony Montana style, whatever it takes to get yourself going. The Heat cannot handle it. Bosh especially, but LeEgo can't handle not being loved every minute of the day. Crush their spirits.
Onto the Dynamically Douchey Duo of D-Wade and LeEgo. When Bron Bron doesn't like questions from reporters, apparently he resorts to calling them "retarded" like a nine year old (:21 second mark). In all honesty, Bron is most likely the one who has had retarded social growth and really does act like a petulant nine year old. I pray that a reporter asks him about that quip at some point, so I can hear what bullshit he comes up with. I also hope someone asks them if they go sweater shopping together.
-Big Ran
Lunchtime Look-a-Like
How about these two? Singer Katy Perry (left) and actress Zooey Deschanel (right). I think we might be dealing with twins separated at birth. Look at them. I think that these two look even more alike than the Barber twins, who are actual factual biological twins, who shared a uterus, a birth canal, and all that fun stuff.
For men, the fact that TWO women this beautiful exist is proof that God loves you. The fact that Katy is married to Russell Brand is proof that He also has a raging sense of humor.
And guys? Please refrain from imagining Katy kissing Zooey a la her award-winning breakthrough song.
-KC Jones
For men, the fact that TWO women this beautiful exist is proof that God loves you. The fact that Katy is married to Russell Brand is proof that He also has a raging sense of humor.
And guys? Please refrain from imagining Katy kissing Zooey a la her award-winning breakthrough song.
-KC Jones
Why Do You Make Me Hit You?
As a woman, I can totally relate to this woman's frustration level. Although I am not condoning violence, I am saying that this is hilarious. Also, thanks to Mr. Allen for clarifying the type of pot he was beaten with, "the kind you cook corn in". I'd like to see the dynamic of this relationship on a day to day basis. Happy Mutha's Day Ike & Tina! (roles reversed of course).
Woman Allegedly Bashes Boyfriend With Cooking Pot After He Fails to Buy Her Mother's Day Gift
Published May 09, 2011 | New York Post
A New York mom allegedly whacked her baby daddy over the head with a cooking pot because she was furious that he did not buy her a Mother's Day gift, the New York Post reported Monday.
"I hit him with a pot, and I'm glad I did," Aretavia Kimbrough, 28, allegedly told cops after nailing boyfriend Charmean Allen, 28, with the pot, leaving him with a four-inch gash and a big lump on his head. "I've been with him for seven years, and he never bought me [anything,]" she added to cops.
But Allen, who has an eight-month-old son with Kimbrough, later said, "I was going to get her balloons and candy and take her to dinner. But I can't take her to dinner because the police aren't releasing her."
With his head still wrapped in bandages, Allen added, "She has a little bit of a temper, I'd say. This is probably the end for us. But I'll take care of my kid." Allen said Kimbrough woke him in their Stapleton apartment, on Staten Island, at around 7 a.m. local time, demanding to know what he had bought her to celebrate her first Mother's Day. He immediately realized he was in trouble.
Kimbrough was holding their son, Charmean Allen Jr., in one arm -- and a large pot, "the kind you cook corn in," in her other hand, he said. As he tried to explain that he had hoped to purchase gifts and take her to dinner, she walloped him on the head with the pot, and then stormed out of the room, Allen said. The wounded boyfriend said he called a friend on the phone to get help. The pal then called 911, Allen said.
When police and emergency services arrived, Allen told them that he did not need to go to the hospital and that he did not want to press charges against Kimbrough. But cops arrested the "crazed-looking" mom anyway. Kimbrough was expected to be arraigned on domestic-violence charges Monday, law-enforcement sources said.
-KC Jones
WINNING!
...and no, this isn't in reference to Charlie Sheen!
Well, in one of the biggest surprises of the NBA Post Season, we'd just like to give a shout out to the Dallas Mavericks for advancing to the Western Conference Finals. The surprise isn't that they won, because they are a strong team. However, due to their epic failures in the Playoffs in past years, most people never expected this. And even fewer expected the sweep and actual beat down the Mavs handed the Los Angeles Lakers, or as I like to call them, "LA Losers"
This is good for both teams (and the rest of the League) for so many reasons:
-KC Jones
Well, in one of the biggest surprises of the NBA Post Season, we'd just like to give a shout out to the Dallas Mavericks for advancing to the Western Conference Finals. The surprise isn't that they won, because they are a strong team. However, due to their epic failures in the Playoffs in past years, most people never expected this. And even fewer expected the sweep and actual beat down the Mavs handed the Los Angeles Lakers, or as I like to call them, "LA Losers"
This is good for both teams (and the rest of the League) for so many reasons:
- Phil Jackson is an arrogant douche whose zen is TOTALLY out of whack now..
- The Lakers are our arch rivals and this gets rid of them.
- Mark Cuban is awesome and anyone running a team the way he runs the Mavs deserves this sort of success.
- Jason Terry, a favorite of both myself and Big Ran.
- Dirk's in the spotlight for the RIGHT reasons now, not because of his criminal ex-ape, oops, I mean, girlfriend
- Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom are wannabe punk bitches and they got what was coming to them.
- Lamar will have more time to focus on his reality show and building his big bootied empire with the Kardashians.
- Ron Ron will have more time to focus on his humanitarian work and recording/promoting careers.
- Derek Fisher, as President of the Player's Association, will have more time to concentrate on the impending lockout.
- Kobe will have more time to get another tattoo of Vanessa on his OTHER arm (of course, this implies he's going to cheat on her again with some of this newly acquired free time).
- Kung Pau will be able to spend some time "Walking in Memphis" and Oklahoma, cheering on his little bro Marc, the successful one in the Gasol family this season.
- This really mixes things up and makes the Western Conference Finals very interesting
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| Why give the finger when 'the tongue' is much more enraging? |
-KC Jones
Tom Brady Crushing Those $18,000 Toilets in Style!
Big Ran - Don't hate the playa, hate the game. I would wear that blazer and go to VIP toilets any day of the week.
I Love My Commute!
All-in-all, I have a pretty easy commute. It's 45 to 50 minutes, but no highways, and its pretty consistent. Does that mean it is devoid of demented people? Absolutely not! There was a time, years ago, where I would get all fired up and pissed off about traffic and terrible drivers, and probably flip everyone off. Now, mostly for my own sanity, I've made my peace with traffic and now if someone is a terrible drive, I just hope to irritate the shit out of them whenever possible.
Let's take this morning as an example. A classic move today as a woman decides she needs to be in the right lane at the last second on a busy road and just comes on over. No signal, I honk because I really do not want her to hit me, she keeps on coming, then flips me off for honking at her. I love that move, the "I am driving recklessly AND I'm going to flip you off anyway" move. Now its on and I refuse to flip her off, that's a rookie move (also, you never know when you are flipping off an ex-Marine and that never goes over well, no matter how they are driving, trust me). So I do a few exaggerated shrugs and she's yelling and flipping me off at this point. Then, I start laughing hysterically, which pisses her off even more, so I start blowing her kisses and am rocking an exaggerated, smarmy smile. She keeps looking in her rear view mirror and almost nails the car in front of her at a stop. I keep laughing, pointing, blowing kisses and she is clearly distracted until she abruptly gets off that road while looking in her rear view. I made her do that. I win, sucka. Good start to the day.
So, make it a game. Don't get yourself all worked up when you can amuse yourself AND piss someone else off beyond belief.
For KC Jones, her favorite commuting song:
-Big Ran
Update: A little history of the middle finger (from Wikipedia)
In Western culture, the finger (as in giving someone the finger), also known as the middle finger, the highway salute, the Bronx salute, the one-finger salute, the bird(as in giving, flipping, or flying the bird), flipping off someone, or (in Canada) the Trudeau salute is an obscene hand gesture, often meaning the phrase "fuck you" or "up yours". It is performed by showing the back of a closed hand that has only the middle finger extended upwards.
It is identified as the digitus impudicus (impudent finger) in Ancient Roman writings[1] and reference is made to using the finger in ancient Greek comedy to insult another person. The widespread usage of the finger in many cultures is likely due to the geographical influence of the Roman Empire and Greco-Roman civilization. Another possible origin of thisgesture can be found in the first-century Mediterranean world, where extending the digitus impudicus was one of many methods used to divert the ever-present threat of the evil eye.
Hot Diggity Dog!
Warning: This clip may be inappropriate for "Takeover" Reader under 18. Take a look for yourself and see if you agree:
Really? No, seriously, REALLY? Wow! A+ for the marketing team at TUMS. Those people get to go to work every day and come up with stuff like that and I come to a cube and allow numbers to terrorize me 40 plus hours a week. Where is the justice? And, for anyone who wants to say "It wasn't meant THAT WAY", well, riddle me this: Why does the girlfriend cover the eyes of the stuffed animal?
I wonder if they have any job openings in their Marketing department? I'm a sicko, I'd blend in perfectly!
-KC Jones
Big Ran note: I do NOT like this commercial at all. Makes me feel funny. I'm buying Rolaids from now on.
Really? No, seriously, REALLY? Wow! A+ for the marketing team at TUMS. Those people get to go to work every day and come up with stuff like that and I come to a cube and allow numbers to terrorize me 40 plus hours a week. Where is the justice? And, for anyone who wants to say "It wasn't meant THAT WAY", well, riddle me this: Why does the girlfriend cover the eyes of the stuffed animal?
I wonder if they have any job openings in their Marketing department? I'm a sicko, I'd blend in perfectly!
-KC Jones
Big Ran note: I do NOT like this commercial at all. Makes me feel funny. I'm buying Rolaids from now on.
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