OK dudes, I'm back. I was just on a business trip where I was in 9 countries and on 15 flights in 17 days. Let me tell you something: regardless of the country or region of the world, people are f*cking stupid. I should have written down all the bizarre things people do on planes and could have pretty much written a book by now.
My first flight of the trip was heading to Sao Paulo, Brazil. I paid the extra $75 to sit in the first row of the section, not have anyone sitting in front of me and have extra leg room. The flight was like 12 hours and overnight, so I figured it would definitely be worth it. The plane was one of the 2-3-2 set ups in terms of seats across the cabin. Again, this was an overnight flight, and most people were trying to sleep, so all the window shades were closed. I was sitting in the window seat next to an older Asian man and his wife was to his right in the middle section. At one point, I dart awake in the middle of the night because someone had thrown open the window shade and the sunlight shot right into my grill. When I come to, the older Asian woman was leaning over me, opening the window. Are you f*cking kidding me? Is this real life? On what planet is this acceptable behavior? If I had an Asian Granny fetish and wanted a lap dance, I would find a club on my own, I don't need that type of action on a plane.
Now, granted, I am completely jaded by the flying experience. I fly about 20 times a year, so everyone's idiosyncrasies just annoy the sh!t out of me. I am also the douche bag that gets visibly irritated when I am watching a movie and the flight attendants make an announcement. I don't give a sh!t that you will be taking duty free catalog orders, especially when you make the announcement in three different languages, pausing my movie for 10 minutes. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Anyway, I digress. What always pushes me to the point of screaming, "Everybody strap in. I'm about to open some f*cking windows," is when as soon as the plane pulls up to the gate and stops, every f*cking person on the plane unbuckles their seat belts and bolts for their luggage in the overhead compartments. WHERE THE F*CK DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING? If you want to stand nut-to-butt with people for 10 minutes before they finally open the door, be my guest, but don't touch me or push me out of the way to do it. When the line finally does start to move, these jack asses don't let you out of your own row. We live in a society people, let the people in font of you out first. I just get really aggressive and cut some a$$hole off that wasn't going to let me go, get my bag from the overhead and let EVERYONE in the rows in front of me out first out of spite. I'M AN AMERICAN, LET ME SHOW YOU THE WAY!
Anyway, I'm glad to be back. I should have plenty of irrational and marginally entertaining posts for you.
-Big Ran
PS: This is how I take my coffee too:
