Super Terrific Happy Hour

I think this is advice all of us can relate to and incorporate into our own lives.

"You can't make a ho a housewife. Don't try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she was born to do...Ho. Yeah...Ho."

h/t Philly Barstool

-Big Ran

Big Ran's Ridin' Dirty Playlist

OK, so my inspection sticker expired in November and I am still rocking that blue 11 (if you're from Mass, you know what I'm talking about).  I was on a long ass business trip that took me into November, and I always like to push the inspection one month every year so that it's like getting one inspection free after the first 11.  I do it just to stick it to the man a little bit.

Anyway, as soon as November 30th and December 1st roll around, one of my headlight's craps out.  No biggie, I go buy some new headlights.  However, it wasn't that simple and it turns out I needed to do a bunch more work to it in order to pass the inspection.  I don't have the time to do the work on my own and I don't have the money to pay a mechanic, so I'm kind of caught in a catch 22 here (or something like that).  So, for the last couple months I've been ridin' dirty minus the guns and drugs, unless you count Advil or prescriptions I may have picked up on the way home from work.

I have completely altered my route to work avoiding all the places I have seen cops parked before and not going through small town centers.  A couple years ago I was pulled over in Wellesley because of an expired inspection sticker at like 7:30 AM on a Saturday.  Of course, it's Wellesley, so the cops literally have nothing better to do, hence why people like me and Dee Brown get pulled over.  

In honor of staying one step ahead of the law, I present Big Ran's Ridin' Dirty Playlist...

1.  UGK - Ridin' Dirty - because they were the originators of the term "Ridin' Dirty."

2.  Snoop - Drop It Like It's Hot - When the pigs try to get at me I'm always parkin' it like its hot.



3.  Sir Mix-a-Lot - My Hooptie - because I am driving this thing into the ground



4.  War - Lowrider - because I also need new shocks and struts, so my whip rides mad low



5.  Mistah FAB - Ghost Ride It - If I roll past the popo, I duck down real low.



6.  Chamillionaire - Ridin' Dirty - Obviously.  This is last because it is sure to get stuck in your head.



-Big Ran


KC Jones' Notes: I'd like to say, this is one of Big Ran's funniest posts yet, and he doesn't need anything added to it, but I'd like to add the following songs:

7. Coolio- Fantastic Voyage- As I'm sure that it IS in fact, a fantastic voyage every time Big Ran gets in the whip and plays the back roads game. Also, there is the whole issue of Coolio mentioning he "ain't got no car" at the beginning of the vid.


8. Dr. Dre- Let Me Ride- As that will be Big Ran's plea to the po-po if they do in fact pull him over....


***Also, with Sir Mix-A-Lot's- My Hooptie- Have truer words have ever been spoken?: “Four door nightmare, truck locks’ stuck. Big dice on the mirror, grill like a truck. Lifters tickin’, accelerator’s stickin’. Somethin’ on my left front wheel keeps clickin’.”

Bravo, Big Ran, Bravo....

-KC Jones

You Ever Been in a Bar Fight, Craig?

Love the shout out to Barkley for being in a bar fight. From what I recall, he threw a dude through a plate glass window. Second of all, Ray Allen's wife had a 7 pound 12 ounce baby? Like, for real or is Ray Ray just one of KG's buddies?

-Big Ran

UPDATE:

So, it looks like Sir Charles was in three bar fights on record.  The first in Milwaukee, where he broke a dude's nose, but the charges were dropped.  The second while with the Dream Team and he got into a fight in Cleveland.  Finally, the third recorded bar fight was in Orlando, when he threw the guy through a window.

On the Ray Allen news, yes, his wife had their fourth child according to Gary Washburn of The Globe:

@gwashburn14gary washburn

Ray Allen's fourth son has been born, Wystan Ryan, congrats to the happy couple

Coincidence or Was Obama Ridin' Dirty?

They see Obama rollin', they hatin'.

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- A Chrysler 300C once leased by President Barack Obama is for sale on eBay with the eye-popping "opening bid" of $1 million.

The opening bid, which is dictated by the seller, means that bidding for the car must start at that price.

The woman who posted the car on eBay Motors, Lisa Czibor, said she has received some criticism for the high asking price but that the current owner of the car fully expects to get that amount.

Czibor said in a phone interview with CNNMoney that she is listing the car for someone else but looks forward to getting a commission on the sale. She describes herself as a "life-long Ronald Reagan old-school conservative."

"It's all about the money for me," she said

She's unlikely to get anything like a million dollars, said Craig Jackson, president of the Barrett-Jackson auto auction company.

"Maybe this car would be worth $50,000 to $100,000."

The hearse which carried the body of John F. Kennedy following his 1963 assassination in Dallas recently sold at a Barrett-Jackson auction for $160,000.

Jackson's company has sold several presidential cars and none have ever brought anything approaching that kind of money, he said.

It might help if the car, itself, were innately rare or valuable, but it's not. The car is a stock late-model Chrysler very similar to many thousands of others that are still on the road. With no presidential connection, it would be worth about $20,000 as a used car.

Also, history has yet to render a verdict on Obama's presidency.

A presidential parade limousine used by Franklin Roosevelt, a Cadillac V-16 convertible, was recently auctioned off at an RM Auctions sale in Arizona for $270,000.

The eBay listing provides a few examples of other cars that have sold for surprising amounts, though. A Peugeot once owned by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sold for £1.5 million pounds -- roughly $2.4 million.

She also mentions a 1999 Volkswagen Golf once owned by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger -- now known as Pope Benedict XVI -- which sold for $244,000.

Czibor provided CNNMoney with a scanned copy of an Illinois Certificate of Title showing Barack Obama as the lessee. The car currently has 20,800 miles on it.

She would not say how the car came into the current owner's possession.

A spokesperson for the White House did not immediately comment on the eBay listing.

Obama was a U.S. Senator representing Illinois during the time he owned the car. After driving the Chrysler sedan for over 19,000 miles Obama traded it for a 2007 Ford Escape Hybrid in the summer of 2007 as he was beginning his presidential campaign.

The Chrysler gets about 18 miles per gallon in combined city and highway driving, according to EPA estimates, while the Escape Hybrid gets about 30.

Nothing really good until the end when we see that Obama started rocking the hybrid for the start of his campaign.  At least he didn't trade it in for a Toyota Prius.  People who drive Priuses (Piri?) are f*cking douche bags.  I saw one guy on the highway last week in a Prius with the vanity plate "Hybrid." Really bro?  No sh!t.  If you wanted to be more obvious you should have a plate that reads "Small Dick."  I once heard that people who really care about the environment get a hybrid version of a regular car.  People who want to be applauded and get credit for caring about the environment get a Prius.

Wouldn't it be awesome if the Chrysler this lady was trying to sell belonged to some other dude named Barack Obama?  Or if it belonged to Barak Obamma, no C and two Ms?  A la George Costanza thinking he bought Jon Voight's car (also a Chrysler).

Two songs to get the Friday going for Obama:

-Big Ran

Juicy Little Nugget......

Police say woman offered sexual favors for chicken McNuggets

Published January 16, 2012 | FoxNews.com

A Los Angeles woman was arrested last week for offering sexual favors in exchange for chicken McNuggets, according to Burbank police.

Khadijah Baseer of Los Angeles allegedly opened customers’ car doors while they were in the drive-thru of a Burbank McDonald's.

A witness reported Baseer's activity to police and she was arrested on suspicion of prostitution.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/01/16/police-say-woman-offered-sexual-favors-for-chicken-mcnuggets/print##ixzz1kfrr9kwG

This is funny enough on it's own, but I'd like to really add to the insanity by mentioning that I received this news via an email from my mother. Is there any question as to how Big Ran and I got to be so funny? (His parents are just as funny as mine!)

Also, are chicken nugs from McDonald's REALLY delicious enough to sell your own nuggets for? I mean, if they were from Wendy's, I could understand, but McD's...really??

Regardless, this lady obviously didn't have a chance to read Big Ran's earlier post about nugs.

-KC Jones

*Picasso of YouTube Addition:

What's Worse Than TWO Oprahs?

Just an FYI, Takeover readers....remember last week when I mentioned there was no one more egotistical than Oprah AND that there's nothing worse than seeing her (or TWO of her) on her magazine cover EVERY SINGLE MONTH? Well, I stand corrected, there is something worse, and here it is:

Yup! That's right! The most egotistical woman in the world along with the most obnoxious THING in the world, both on the same cover.

That is all for now. Thank you.

-KC Jones

*Big Ran Note:  I am the f*cking Picasso of YouTube and Chappelle Clips.

Chappelles Show
Dave Gets Oprah Pregnant
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

Does it get any better than this:

A Tough Week for Look-a-Likes

Earlier this week, when the Bruins visited the White House, to be honored as the 2011 Stanley Cup Champions, Tim Thomas decided to pass due to political reasons.  There was obviously a huge uproar about it that I'm not going to get in to because, well, I don't really give a sh!t.  Go, don't go, it won't change my day other than not listening to sports radio because I don't want to hear about it.

However, when it rains it pours because today we received the news that Tim's look-a-like, Drew Carey, now known for creeping people out since he lost a ton of weight and failing in the shadow of Bob Barker, has broken up with his long-time fiance.

I have to say though, if you are engaged for five years and still haven't set a date or stated talking about wedding plans, my guess is that no one is exactly in a rush to tie the knot.  I think Drew should go get some advice from Bob since he was clearly tapping the ass of each and every model on that show during his time as host.  To be honest, he probably still swings by the studio for some good old fashioned plinko with some of the current models, just to show Carey who's boss.

This is how you do it.  Barker - swag for days (also Viagra).

Not like this.  No Price is Right swag at all.

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head - Celtics Rally Edition

Dudes, Cs down 27 points and win by eight over the Magic.  I think one of two things happens today:

1.  Dwight Howard walks into Otis Smith's (Magic GM) office and demands that he be traded retroactive to Wednesday, so he doesn't have last night's loss on his conscience anymore.

2.  Dwight Howard bursts in to Stan Van Gundy's office with clippers and shaves his porn stache off.



Orlando scored what, like 25 points in the second half and the Cs closed with a 44-15 run?  Are you kidding me?