(Ir)RATIONAL Rant....Time After Time

So, I've been at my company for almost 11 years and in that time I've had 4 different jobs. While I love so many of the people I work with and generally have a good time with them, I cannot STAND the b.s. that is found in Corporate America. So, imagine my disgust when I was informed by my boss that we now have to start keeping time sheets. Um, okay....the last time I checked, I am salaried and I know, that in my group at least, we all put in more than our share of time at the office or working from home during our month/quarter/year end close processes. We can account for our time, we're adults, not 5 year olds, and we don't work with clients in a billable hours type environment. Oh well, I guess there's NOTHING better for moral than being made to feel like 'big brother's watching', right?

Now, in addition to figuring out how to log all of our extra hours at night and during the weekends during our super busy times, we're left to also figure out how to justify spending time on facebook, online, running out for Iced Tea, and writing awesome blog posts. I guess I'll just learn to pee extra fast so I can put less time down for that and MORE time down for recreational activities. (All of the miscellaneous activities will be grouped as "Professional Development" and/or "Teambuilding".

Why do I feel like a "meeting with the Bobs" is in our near future?

This is not the first time this has happened to us, and I just have nothing else to say about it other than it's stupid. Yup, STUPID...I said it....maybe I am 5!

P.S. If the consequences include a lay off in time for summer; sign me up!

-KC Jones

Irrational Rant...Kony 2012

My rant is not with the organization that put this together.  My rant is with the people that watch a YouTube video, then all of a sudden fancy themselves social activists by posting this on facebook or twitter.  Stop yelling at me!  Nobody supports child armies, abduction, abuse, or slavery.

A few things:

1.  Did you actually watch that entire video?  Probably not.  That video is a half hour long.  There's no way I'm watching a half hour video on YouTube.  If you send me a YouTube link, you get two, maybe three minutes.  That sh!t better be funny as hell or have puppies playing, one or the other.

2.  Do you actually know what country we're talking about?  I bet less than half actually do.  Uganda, bitches.

3.  Can you identify Uganda on a map?  99% chance they can't.  I can't and I'm f*cking dope.  I have multiple passports AND THEY'RE FULL OF VISAS AND STAMPS!!!!!!  I'M AN IMPORTANT PERSON!!!!!!!!!!

I just looked it up.  It's sandwiched between Kenya and whatever The Congo decides to call itself this week.

However, on the plus side, this has also spawned awesome pictures and captions floating around the interwebs, created by people with a similar sense of humor as mine - deranged and sarcastic.  Look, I know I'm a terrible person, so I'm glad there are others who can enjoy life like I do.

My personal favorite.

-Big Ran

Irrational Rant...Feel The Burn

There are few things that infuriate me more than people acting like tools at the gym. My new gym is actually a really nice place, with far fewer of these people (it's true, you get what you pay for--and fortunately, my health insurance reimburses me enough to allow me to have a membership to a better gym now), but there will always be a couple tools that escaped from the box and landed at the gym.

This rant concerns grown men behaving badly at the gym. Specifically, grunting and making other noises, throwing weights down when finished so the floor shakes and trying to 'cut in' on someone else who is using a machine in an efficient manner. This stuff happened so much more at the old clap trap I used to frequent, but it's still relevant as we've all seen it happen.

To The Men Behaving Badly:

Dude, seriously? If you're making THAT much noise, it's very clear that either the weights are too heavy OR that you're trying to get attention. Maybe even both! If the weight is too heavy, grunting will not help you at all. You know what will help? Reducing the total amount of what you're trying to lift. If you're trying to get attention, I hope you're happy with it being negative attention in the form of dirty looks and people exchanging awkward glances in relation to you.


Um, are you attempting to fool the people around you into thinking there's an earthquake or tremor going on? Oh, you're not? Then why are you throwing the weights down so carelessly, making the ground shake? Ah, never mind, I get it, again, trying to call attention to how massive you are(n't).


Remember kindergarten? Specifically the part about taking turns and waiting for your turn? Very important lessons that translate very well into proper gym etiquette. If I am on a machine, and taking a quick rest between reps, there is NO need for you to ask to 'just jump in quick'. I have the machine set to my specifications and I'll be finishing before you use it. Don't ask, because you're not going to get a good reaction from me. I'm not a bitch, I'm just all set with neanderthals who don't 'get it'. It takes me no more than 5 minutes on any one machine. You can wait. I'm not like you, wandering around, checking myself out, and then going back to the machine 15 minutes later. Squatters rights. Look them up!


Finally, I know that for you, going to the gym is all about staring at yourself in the mirror and flexing, taking 17 hours to finish one set, and checking out the females (who are all getting protective orders as soon as they vacate the building). I know that you have never done cardio a day in your life and therefore aren't breaking the same sweat that many of the normal people at the gym are breaking. However, this little fact does not absolve you from having to wipe the machines and benches down when you're done just like everyone else has to. Judging by the intensity of your grunts and moans, you're clearly overexerting yourself and I'm sure sweating. Please clean up after yourself.


Thank you,


KC Jones

Irrational Rant...Crossing Guards

CALM. THE. F*CK. DOWN.  You're not a police officer, you're not doctor, you're not Mother Teresa.  You are one step up from holding a "Will work for food" sign at the same intersection you currently work for two hours a day with a six hour break in between shifts.

I am all for a crossing guard stopping traffic for kids on their way to or from school; no doubt about that.  There are far too many dick weeds behind the wheel to trust them to stop for kids.  I am also totally fine with holding up traffic for parents with kids to and from school.  I am still somewhat OK (not as much) with holding up traffic for buses leaving a school without students on them.  Fine. Whatever.

You know what I am not OK with?  The dumbass crossing guard jumping in to stop traffic for adults without kids.  Calm down hero, I think an adult without children is capable of crossing the street all on their own.  Ugh.  That f*cking bright ass highlighter yellow jacket and gloves, practically jumping on my hood because some dude without kids is approaching the corner and is thinking about crossing the street.

Also, don't f*cking think you're a cop on a detail and start directing traffic when there is clearly no need to do so.  How about you just finish you hour of f*cking work in the morning, head on down to the apartment in your mother's basement, take a nap, eat some Slim Jims, hop on some internet chat rooms, then head on back for hour two of work for the day.  Don't forget your cape, you f*cking superhero. 

-Big Ran   

KC Jones Note: Is that a woman or a man in the picture Big Ran? I can't tell. Kind of looks like Milton from Office Space.

Irrational Rant....What's My Name?

This rant has been building for a while now and it was sparked this morning after seeing several more instances of insanity in regards to 'the name game'. Today I'd like to rant about stupid parents naming their children even stupider names because they think they are awesome and cool (the parents think this about themselves, not about the names). I'm all about being original and unique, but it just gets to the point where I want to go up to these people (mainly broads as we all know they are the driving force because they can play the, 'I pushed the child from my uterus card), and punch them in the ovaries, thus preventing any future naming nonsense.



Because I'm not sure who reads our blog, I won't get into specific cases involving people I know. I will however use dumb ass celebrities to provide support for my rant.

1. Beyonce & Jay-Z: "Blue Ivy Carter"- Really? Seriously. This doesn't even make sense because ivy is green. ANYWAY.

2. Gwyneth Paltrow:  A daughter named "Apple". This immediately enraged me as I despise Gwyneth to begin with. On a positive note, naming their daughter "Apple" made the subsequent naming of their son "Moses" seem completely normal.

3. Michael Jackson: A son named "Prince Michael II". And, as outrageous as this is, the fact that he goes by the nickname "Blanket", really burns my ass.

Oh Blanket!

4. Jermaine Jackson: Keeping it in the family, another Jackson sibling who lost his damn mind. Dude has a son named "Jermajesty", no joke. I found this out quite some time ago and haven't been the same since. Given that it's the Jackson family, I should not be surprised (Tito? La Toya? the apples don't fall far from the tree).

5. Toni Braxton: Named her son "Denim", seriously. Now, I don't know if this was a passive aggressive move after having to deal with being a female named "Toni", but still, it's not fair to take that out on the kid. Side note, her other son's name is Diezel, which is awful but in an awesome way. That one doesn't make me quite as angry.

6.  Jonathan Davis (Korn's frontman): A son named PIRATE. If I were a teacher, I would not allow this child to be in my class. Period. I guess it's not a huge surprise since the standards are pretty low if you're the lead singer of Korn AND married to a porn star.

7. Erykah Badu & Andre Benjamin (Outkast): A son named SEVEN. Ok, first of all, was this a nod to the Seinfeld episode where George was trying to call 'dibs' on that name? Secondly, really? I mean, it's not even like this was her 7th child and she got tired of trying to come up with names. She also has another terribly named child, "Mars", with another baby daddy, leading me to believe that it's her fault, not Andre's! She needs to have her head examined anyway.

8. Any name selected by Frank Zappa. Please see article for details. Terrible. Just terrible.

KC Jones' Baby Naming Rules:

1. Keep in mind that this perfect little baby will grow up and have to deal with your potentially disastrous name choice. If it is that devastating to them, they might get into drugs, booze, and sex at a young age. They could then become pregnant and continue the  vicious cycle of unacceptable baby naming.

2. If you are so hung up on a ridiculous name, perhaps you should legally change your own to that and name the innocent baby something normal.

3. If you pick a stupid name, remember something; you're not 'trendy', 'unique', or 'cutting edge' anymore. Everyone is doing it now. It's a shit show of epic proportions.

4. No naming human beings after numbers, fruits (or other foods), fossil fuels, fabrics or modes of transportation. These are general categories, and this list is not meant to be all inclusive.

5. If you have had a child and already named them something awful, please make an appointment to be spayed and/or neutered to avoid it happening again.

-KC Jones

Irrational Rant....Asymetrical Haircuts

I went down to the cafeteria at my P.O.E. today and there was this woman sitting at a table with a mess on her head. I know I need to clarify what I mean by this statement. She was sitting there with one side of her hair long (kind of) and the other side short (like a boy). I did a triple take because I wasn't sure if I was seeing things.

A few things:

First of all, she was not attractive at all, so this made her hairdo that much more important. When a woman has beautiful facial features, they can shave their head and still be beautiful. I'm not advocating that decision, but I'm simply stating a fact. Sadly for this troll like creature, that was not the case. She wasn't helping her own cause at all.

Secondly, how hard is it to commit to SOME form a symmetrical hair cut? Even if someone does a cut that's shorter in the back and then longer in the front, that's still much better than two completely different looks- one on each side of the head. It's like a personality disorder for the scalp. There are a million things people can do with their hair, and this should never be a viable option.

Finally, who is responsible for giving this sort of cut? If it's a licensed stylist, that license should be revoked immediately. Maybe she has children and one of them got to her hair while she was sleeping. If that's the case, the offending offspring should be put up for adoption ASAP. Maybe the woman did it to herself as it clearly required no skill whatsoever. Honestly,  each side didn't even look good on it's own.

I wonder if someone told her it would look good---and I wonder if she thinks it looks good, because it doesn't. Perhaps I should pick up a few copies of this book and keep it around the office.

 -KC Jones

Irrational Rant....No Talent Ass Clown

Experts say Nicki Minaj could lose fans from Grammy performance; singer couldn't care less

 Nicki Minaj has a message for critics of her controversial, Catholicism-inspired Grammy performance on Sunday night: “Stay offended. Not a single F**K is given,” she said via Twitter on Monday, in the aftermath of her widely-panned song-and-dance routine.

Alrighty then!

In an attempt to be “edgy,” Minaj performed “Roman Holiday,” a track from her forthcoming album, complete with a self-exorcism, burning flames and gibberish. However, some experts are now predicting that the overall negative reaction to her moment in the spotlight could seriously hurt album sales.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/02/14/experts-say-nicki-minaj-could-lose-fans-from-grammy-performance-singer-couldnt/?intcmp=obnetwork#ixzz1mPyoaRs4

Nicki Minaj was clearly aiming for shock value and mass PR, and she succeeded. With big ideas and shock value comes big opportunity, but also backlash,"  Ronn Torossian, CEO of 5WPR told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column. "She has to be aware of possible alienation from some of current fans, who take religion and spiritually seriously."

Last month, Minaj announced via Twitter that her sophomore album, “Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded,” would not be coming out April 3, although it was initially slated for a Valentine’s Day release. In another blow to Minaj, last week BET banned her music video for another track on the album entitled “Stupid Hoe,” with the unofficial reason being it wasn’t a good fit for television.

Minaj’s religious-mocking Grammy performance not only annoyed critics, audience members and an abundance of Twitter followers, it understandably rubbed some Catholics the wrong way.

“There are Catholic priests who are trained to perform exorcisms, and it seems plain that the time has come for Nicki Minaj to make an appointment,” President of the Catholic League of America, Bill Donohue, told us. “Even worse than Minaj is The Recording Academy that runs the Grammys: they knew exactly what she was going to do and gave her the green light. I've never heard of a collective exorcism, but there is a first time for everything.”

Dan Gainor, VP of Business & Culture at the Media Research Center, also took aim at the rap star and Grammy officials.

"Bashing Catholics is 'in,' and Nicki Minaj and the Grammy’s pulled out all the stops – making fun of the Sacrament of confession, mocking exorcism and using the Catholic Church as background for a bizarre musical number,” he said. “The performance highlighted a man dressed as a priest and even included a snippet of Minaj singing “O Come All Ye Faithful,” mixed in with heavy doses of sex.”

The Recording Academy, CBS and a rep for Minaj did not respond to a request for comment.

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• ckillerb 3 minutes ago

  If she was such a great artist. Why was her performance pre-recorded? Good for her, she COULDN'T care less. Because I certainly COULD care less for her. Hope she enjoyed the pinnacle of her career. Her music is really, really horrible. I mean like, I'd rather stab myself in the ear horrible.

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• greencandyee97 13 minutes ago

  
  
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• Mark Machado 14 minutes ago

  I didn't care about this chick one way or the other before this but now I can't say I have anything good to say about her.

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  1 person liked this.

• ne11e 16 minutes ago

  She needs a hook up with those Hollywood pharmacies.

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  1 person liked this.

• 1234bear 20 minutes ago

  Imagine how she's going to explain this one while standing before the throne..........oh wait, the only throne she'll stand before is the one she's puking into from her future dr ug over dose.

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  2 people liked this.

• johnnyg1200 21 minutes ago

  "Bashing Catholics is 'in,' and Nicki Minaj and the Grammy’s pulled out all the stops” This is just a simple extension of what the Obama administration has been doing. If Its Christian bash it. Catholics are just a easy target because of their anti-gay and anti-abortion views. Whit the removable of the word “God” from anything connected to the government and people getting restraining orders because they are offended by any display of religion it won’t be long until the first amendment will be interpreted to mean “you are free to practice your religion as long as no one else...

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• ne11e 23 minutes ago

  I was at the Grammys.  It was dumb and no one applauded.  The MC had to think fast.  It was a  performance just for the sake of shock value, with no thought provoking message, that exhibited no real vocals and dance talents.  Dumb.

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• honeychild 29 minutes ago

  SHE ACTUALLY HAS FANS????

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  2 people liked this.

• nomorecommies 29 minutes ago

  Just another ZERO talentNIGGER.  Hope she follows WHitney Houston's fine example and overdoses soon

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  2 people liked this.

• enoughsaidnext 30 minutes ago

  typical kniggger, what do we expect from whyte haiting kniggers...they say that christianity is NOT  the blacque mans religion, blacque man religion is making babies out of wedlock all acrosss the planet...dirt bagggs....

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KC's notes: 


So, I've been saying that Nicki Minaj is a complete no talent ass clown for a while and it seems like people are finally starting to catch on. The more people I talk to, the more people I hear say that they can't stand her. My question relates to the title of the article copied in above....she COULD lose FANS? How can she lose was she doesn't really have? 

I think she's completely obnoxious, her voice makes me want to punch babies, and I have no idea how anyone can listen to her. The Grammys was the final nail in the coffin for many people, but I was already there.  Even TMZ was stating that she needs to stop trying to be the black Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga can sing her ass off, can write music, play instruments, and would be popular whether she dressed like a librarian or a peacock. Her flash has no impact on her talent or popularity. Minaj relies on shock value because she has NOTHING else. She has gone so far as to mention that she is better than Lil' Kim. REALLY? I mean, Lil' Kim was rough, completely inappropriate, and ghetto, but she could rap and put on one hell of a show (yes, I saw her at the "No Way Out" Tour with Puff Daddy and the family back in college). 

This 'thing' can do NOTHING except wear flourescent wigs (which Kim did first anyway). I am a better rapper than her. Her 15 minutes cannot be up soon enough. She is a waste of space and her existence offends me.

 Keep trying Nicki......the clock is ticking and I can't wait for the sand to run out of the hourglass....

Over/Under on Kim calling the request line to dedicate MC's song to Nicki? The title is all you need to hear/see....

-KC Jones

Irrational Rant....Show Us Your "O" Face....

I have to say, I despise Oprah Winfrey. I will be adding her to this year's "World Population (Control) Day" list. I've never liked her, ever. I feel like she exudes some sort of subliminal control over innocent women and, like Ryan Seacrest, I'm pretty sure she is plotting a hostile takeover of the world. I blogged some time back indicating that I didn't care for her, and now, after a recent revelation, I'd just like to present further proof for anyone who would like to TRY to argue that she is NOT the most egotistical human being in existence:

Exhibit A (through Z): The woman not only has a magazine that she NAMED after herself, but EVERY MONTH it is HER picture on the cover. Are you serious? How highly would you have to think of yourself to feature your OWN picture on the cover of your magazine EVERY SINGLE MONTH? I realized this the other day at the gym and I became probably irrationally enraged, but I don't care. I'm entitled. And, naturally she uses the magazine to stroke her own ego. Gotta have stories about "Oprah's School In Africa" and "Trust Your Gut" because Oprah says "It's Never Wrong".

Add this to the fact that she also has a television network named after herself, and the fact that she basically threw herself a going away party as her originial talk show was going off the air, and I don't know how anyone can try to defend her against my accusations.

For those of you who might say, "She's charitable" and blah blah blah...I'll give you that--with a friendly reminder that she does all of it with PLENTY of media attention directed towards her. Her audience members get their gifts on national television. She has camera crews following her for her other endeavors.  To me, it means more and is with greater sincerity when it's done under the radar. And granted, sometimes, for people in positions like hers, it's nearly impossible to do things under the radar. But, she also makes sure to give HERSELF plenty of press and accolades on a regular basis.

I, for one, couldn't be happier to know that Ellen DeGeneres is on television in place of her now.

What's better than ONE Oprah? Yup, obviously TWO!

-KC Jones

Big Ran Note: From one of my all time favorite movies, this MUST be included:



*Big Ran Update:  Terrible, terrible oversight on my part.  I can't believe I let this happen...

Dave Gets Oprah Pregnant

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

I should get suspended without pay for leaving a Chappelle Show reference out.  For shame.  For shame.  I disgrace my famiry!  A double shot to make up for it!

Pixie Stereotypes - Asian Pixie

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

Irrational Rant...F*cking Brita

Not this Britta

I'm not talking about intercoursing Britta from "Community."  I'm talking about those God Damned water filtering pitchers.

This is what I'm talking about

Our town can't get their sh*t together regarding tap water and send out quarterly notices about some cancer-causing chemical that they can't get below acceptable levels, so we have to filter all water used for drinking or cooking.  The water filter in our fridge spits out water at about an once a minute, so that isn't so helpful.  of course I bought a house water filter like two years ago, but do you think I've installed that thing yet?  Of course not, I'm that lazy.

So, this fall, rather than buying like six gallons of bottled water a week, my wife bought a Brita Pitcher to filter the tap water and keep in the fridge.  This way, we can go a bit greener and save some money.  Well, guess what?  Britas have been around for what, like 15 years (I just looked online and Clorox bought North American rights to Brita Filters in 1988)?  All I remember is how these were the hotness when I went to college.  Every dorm room had like three of them that were either bone dry and empty, or over-filled to the point where the filter was floating somewhere in the top compartment (everyone knows what I'm talking about).  We instituted the "Brita Rule" in our freshman year room.  If you poured water and what was left over fell below the Brita logo on the pitcher, you had to fill it.

Sorry for the tangent, but I hadn't had a Brita since college and they still have all the same frustrating problems.  Clorox has been working on these things for 24 years and they still can't get it right?  Are you kidding me?

The top NEVER fits on correctly, so when you try to pour it it will fall off, spilling water everywhere.  Also, what the f*ck is up with the carbon bits that always float around?  In the instructions they always say this is normal for the first couple pitchers.  Why should this be normal?  We have hybrid cars, we have arthroscopic surgery.  Why can't they keep their God Damned carbon bits inside their God Damned filters?

This lady looks like this cigar/water filter is working out pretty well.  Brita, hook it up with some filter straws sans carbon bits.  Granted, she's probably immune to dysentery and typhoid at this point, but that is neither here nor there.  Or it may be, I just like saying "neither here nor there."  How often do you get to use the word "nor?"  Not often enough for my liking. 

Anyway, I guess my point is that after 23 or 24 years, Britas shouldn't be as frustrating as they are.  Plus, I kind of just want to be able to chill, wear a do-rag, and drink water out of a dirty river.

-Big Ran