I Need to Write Things Down

I don't necessarily mean on toilet paper, like this epic scene from Lethal Weapon 2, but maybe like the old Norm MacDonald, "note to self" on a voice recorder.  However, I always come up with the most awesome, funny, world shaking ideas when I have had a couple of drinks, hop online to start doing research for the blog, but then get side tracked and never remember them.

Let's take this past Friday.  I get home and as planned, my wife is out with work friends, so I start drinking whiskey, grill some steaks, and watch college hoops.  About three hours later, I am pretty drunk and my wife calls me to meet them out at a bar.  Cool, but there is no way I can drive.  None.  Also, strangely, there is a snow squall going on.  So, I make a great decision, and walk to the bar, knowing we'll be able to get a ride back.

Now, remember, I'm pretty hammered and probably staggering a bit down the streets in the snow.  The snow flakes are huge, so at one point I am trying to catch flakes in my mouth (and failing), when I see that someone is about a half a block up and they definitely crossed the street because they thought I was a crazy person.

I'm going off on a tangent here, because what I wanted to talk about needing to write things down.  When I woke up on Saturday, I get back on the laptop, see the tabs I had open on my browser and have no idea what I was looking at.  I had that Lethal Weapon parody up, which is awesome, but I have no idea why I was looking for the toilet bomb scene.  However, it was probably going to be awesome.

Ugh.  I should probably sprinkle some Adderall or Ritalin in my booze.

-Big Ran 

So, Being Fat, Drunk, and Stupid May Be The Way to Go Through Life?

Turns Out Being Drunk and Sleepy Can Do Wonders for Your Creativity

Lifehacker - Common sense (and your irrational compulsion to, you know, keep your job) says drinking at work—or working when you're groggy—are bad news. But as Wired's Jonah Lehrer points out, recent studies reveal that being sleeping and/or drunk is great for creativity. Here's why:

When you're solving problems, your brain is built to shine a spotlight on what it considers relevant, ignoring ideas and connections that aren't likely solutions to your problem. This is a good thing, since without that focus your mind would be flooded with loads of irrelevant information when attempting to solve a simple task, and for what Lehrer calls standard analytic problems, that kind of focus is essential. When it comes to creative problem solving, however, your brain does better without that focus.

To demonstrate, researches presented two groups—one of which consisted of patients with severe attention deficits caused by damage to their prefrontal lobes—with puzzles. When presented with the more creatively challenging problem, the patients suffering from attention deficits performed significantly better:

In this case, only 43 percent of normal subjects were able to solve the problem. The patients who couldn't pay attention, however, had an 82 percent success rate. What accounts for this bizarre result? Why does brain damage dramatically improve performance on a hard creative task? ...The patients with a severe cognitive deficit... can't restrict their search. They are forced by their brain injury to consider a much wider range of possible answers. And this is why they're nearly twice as likely to have a breakthrough.

A second, similar study presented creative and analytic problems to groggy students, and a third did the same with drunk students. Like the patients with pre-frontal lobe damage, the tired and drunk students consistently performed better on creative problems. Lehrer sums it up nicely

The stupor of alcohol, like the haze of the early morning, makes it harder for us to ignore those unlikely thoughts and remote associations that are such important elements of the imagination. So the next time you are in need of insight, avoid caffeine and concentration. Don't chain yourself to your desk. Instead, set the alarm a few minutes early and wallow in your groggy thoughts. And if that doesn't work, chug a beer.

This explains quite a bit about how I actually progressed professionally through my early and mid twenties.  However, now I'm 32 and hate being hungover or tired.  If I go to bed after midnight I am useless.  How much would you pay for George Costanza's bed/desk?  I think I would easily drop $500, maybe $1,000.


-Big Ran

Guests end wedding with fight in parking lot

By Julie Manganis
Staff writer
—

DANVERS — Instead of sending off the bride and groom after a wedding reception Saturday night, an Amesbury couple ended up being led off in handcuffs, after a fight with another guest and then a tussle with officers, according to police.

Shawn J. Pappas, 44, and his wife, Lindsay Pappas, 33, were leaving the Danversport Yacht Club on Saturday night when Shawn Pappas got into a fight with another guest he accused of flirting with his wife, according to a Danvers police report.

Witnesses told police that the other guest, who has not been identified, pulled up to the couple in an orange Chevrolet Camaro and stopped right in front of them, and Pappas then got into a fight with the driver.

By the time police arrived, they found Pappas, in a ripped dress shirt, yelling, as about 20 other guests watched.

Witnesses told police that Pappas even took a few swings at a security guard, as the groom tried to get him to calm down.

When police arrived, Pappas turned his ire on them, demanding that they arrest the man in the orange Camaro. Police have no idea who that person is, they said in a report.

Police initially asked if there was anyone available to drive the couple home to Amesbury, but found no volunteers. They also rejected a suggestion by Lindsay Pappas that they be allowed to take a cab, because police were concerned about their level of intoxication.

At that point, police decided to take Shawn Pappas, who had continued "ranting and raving," into custody. He went down swinging, police said, yelling expletives and insults at the officers.

Then, his wife jumped into the fray, ending up on top of them, police said.

Both were arrested on disorderly conduct charges. Shawn Pappas is facing a charge of resisting arrest, and Lindsay Pappas is facing a charge of interfering with police.

On the way back to the station, Shawn Pappas told the officer that he'd gotten out of his handcuffs — prompting the patrolman to call for backup at the station. It turned out he was lying about the cuffs, but he continued a barrage of insults and threats, police said.

Meanwhile, Lindsay Pappas complained that she'd gotten wood chips in her underpants, pulling up her dress to show everyone in the police station booking area, police said.

Then, she claimed she had chest pains, but when EMTs arrived, she told them she was fine, police said. Eventually, she was given a ride home by a co-worker at Beverly Hospital, where she is a nurse.

Shawn Pappas was released later from police custody.

Both pleaded not guilty to the charges at their arraignments yesterday in Salem District Court. They were advised to hire a lawyer and are due back in court Sept. 2.

I just got back to my office, so unfortunately, this is the first chance I have had to talk about this story.  Right off the top, let me say this:  Julie Manganis, this is how you write a story!  No wasted thoughts, no wasted words.  I really think that literally, every paragraph of this story had an important fact or development in it.  Julie will be working for the New York Times very, very soon.  Anyway, onto the story, and lets really get into this one.


First of all, Danvers.  Of course it was.  The dude that was accused of flirting with the wife was driving an ORANGE CAMARO.  I repeat, ORANGE CAMARO.

You don't drive an orange Camaro and share a few simple pleasantries with a woman in a parking lot.  You roll up to her with her husband right there and spit serious game.  You expect to take the wife from her husband and if not, you move on to the bridesmaids.  Also, is there any doubt he was blaring Billy Squier on his stereo?

The husband had every right to absolutely lose his sh!t and lay a beating on Mr. Camaro; blink and all you will see is tail lights after your woman has very happily hopped in shotgun.

I also love how taking the couple to jail and booking them wasn't really on the cops' to-do list, they asked for volunteers to drive them home, but no one from the wedding was sober enough.  Both the husband AND wife end up brawling with the cops, forcing their hand. 

We then come to my favorite part:  the wife complains that she got wood chips in her underwear and proceeds to show everyone in the police booking area.

This was an AWESOME wedding.  Forget crashing the weddings of the rich and famous, give me a Danvers wedding every day of the week.

-Big Ran

Thanks to Patrick for the tip on this story.

KC Jones Comments: First of all, it should be noted that I was at a wedding this weekend, on Saturday night. However, I can neither confirm nor deny that it was in Danvers or that I also ended up with wood chips in my undergarments. Shout out to this reporter for NOT using the word "Panties"---As Big Ran has known since our high school days, this word ranks EXTREMELY high on the 'forbidden words' list. I love that this dude created additional chaos by lying about getting out of the cuffs, and I love every single factoid I was able to extract from this story. Sometimes you want proof that God loves us, and this story is that proof.  

P.S:  Big Ran,  nice shout out to our main man Billy Squier....if it weren't for him, what else would Chaz Michael Michaels have skated to in "Blades of Glory"??

P.P.S: Notice the vanity plate on the pic of the Orange Camaro---HUGGERSS...awww, too cute. What?!

Carpe diem, DeShawn Stevenson!

From the tats, to the multiple times he has called out Bron Bron, you've got to love DeShawn Stevenson.  Well, since the Mavs won the NBA Championship, DeShawn has clearly been having a good time.  Well, he was having a good time until about 10:30 PM last night when he was arrested for public intoxication.  The police received a call that there was a drunk man walking around, and later found Stevenson who ALLEGEDLY didn't really know where he was.  If being a millionaire and winning a championship is good for only one thing, it should be the chance to get off of being arrested for public intoxication.  He wasn't driving, didn't seem to be bothering anyone, couldn't the PoPo just have taken him home and told him to sleep it off?  

I don't care, I'll roll with this dude any day.  FREE DESHAWN STEVENSON!  FREE DESHAWN STEVENSON!

-Big Ran

   

I'm Awesome at Getting People Fired up and Drunk

Well, this weekend, my wife joined the 30 year olds' club, so we hosted a party for some of her friends from college and work down at her parents' cape house.  Let me tell you something: there aren't many things I do well other than be awesome and  funny, but grilling and getting people drunk are also on that list.  Friday night everyone rolled in around 8 PM pr so, but I managed to play bartender and get people feeling good and loose, just priming the pump a bit for the next night.

Saturday comes around and I think we have 13 people in all hanging out at the Cape.  I knew there was going to be some day drinking going on, but before that started people were chilling outside, soaking up some sun.  Eventually between the early season sun, food, and day drinking, people were struggling around 4 PM.  You could call it the "calm before the storm," as they tried to say it was, but I knew better.  We needed a catalyst. So, I went to a convenience store and bought about $30 worth of Red Bull.  When I rolled up to check out, the woman working, simply responded with, "Whoa."  She knew what this was.  It was go time.

So, I get back to the house and start pouring Red Bull and Vodkas down peoples throats, and let me tell you, it worked.  It worked big time. I ran a couple shuttles out to a bar for people to get their drink on before the Bruins game and by the time everyone got back to the house, both the energy drunkenness levels were very high.  We ended up having someone puke in the sink, we had a couple get in a drunken fight, and both my dog and I tool a leak outside.  Those have always been my rules for a successful party:

1.  Did someone puke?

2.  Did people hook up or fight?

3.  Did someone pee in the back yard?

Win.  Good party.  Plus, people looked like they were beaten with shovels the next morning.  YESSSSSS!!!!

-Big Ran

*KC Jones says: This is all very true. My mother used to ask me why, whenever I went out with Big Ran, I'd come home completely annihilated and acting funny. And, as I told her one time when I was drunk, "Because he's my friend and he makes me have fun!"....YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....Everyone loves Big Ran. 

ALSO, this post immediately made me think of this song and video:

*Big Ran Note: It is a true fact that on many occasions, back in the day, I would pour KC back into her house after a night out only to have her Mom wake up. If anyone needs a party starter, let me know.

Super Terrific Happy Hour!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!  Here are some Cinco de Mayo Drunks for everyone to enjoy as we celebrate our Mexican Pride!







-Big Ran

Super Terrific Happy Hour!

SO much to love in this video.  How sloppy drunk she is, the fact that she slept in a bar, willingness to fight chicks, hatred of communism because she has to pay for HBO and birth control, there's just a lot going on here.

-Big Ran