Why Do You Make Me Hit You?

As a woman, I can totally relate to this woman's frustration level. Although I am not condoning violence, I am saying that this is hilarious. Also, thanks to Mr. Allen for clarifying the type of pot he was beaten with, "the kind you cook corn in". I'd like to see the dynamic of this relationship on a day to day basis. Happy Mutha's Day Ike & Tina! (roles reversed of course).

Woman Allegedly Bashes Boyfriend With Cooking Pot After He Fails to Buy Her Mother's Day Gift

Published May 09, 2011 | New York Post

A New York mom allegedly whacked her baby daddy over the head with a cooking pot because she was furious that he did not buy her a Mother's Day gift, the New York Post reported Monday.

"I hit him with a pot, and I'm glad I did," Aretavia Kimbrough, 28, allegedly told cops after nailing boyfriend Charmean Allen, 28, with the pot, leaving him with a four-inch gash and a big lump on his head. "I've been with him for seven years, and he never bought me [anything,]" she added to cops.

But Allen, who has an eight-month-old son with Kimbrough, later said, "I was going to get her balloons and candy and take her to dinner. But I can't take her to dinner because the police aren't releasing her."

With his head still wrapped in bandages, Allen added, "She has a little bit of a temper, I'd say. This is probably the end for us. But I'll take care of my kid." Allen said Kimbrough woke him in their Stapleton apartment, on Staten Island, at around 7 a.m. local time, demanding to know what he had bought her to celebrate her first Mother's Day. He immediately realized he was in trouble.

Kimbrough was holding their son, Charmean Allen Jr., in one arm -- and a large pot, "the kind you cook corn in," in her other hand, he said. As he tried to explain that he had hoped to purchase gifts and take her to dinner, she walloped him on the head with the pot, and then stormed out of the room, Allen said. The wounded boyfriend said he called a friend on the phone to get help. The pal then called 911, Allen said.

When police and emergency services arrived, Allen told them that he did not need to go to the hospital and that he did not want to press charges against Kimbrough. But cops arrested the "crazed-looking" mom anyway. Kimbrough was expected to be arraigned on domestic-violence charges Monday, law-enforcement sources said.

-KC Jones

WINNING!

...and no, this isn't in reference to Charlie Sheen!

Well, in one of the biggest surprises of the NBA Post Season, we'd just like to give a shout out to the Dallas Mavericks for advancing to the Western Conference Finals. The surprise isn't that they won, because they are a strong team. However, due to their epic failures in the Playoffs in past years, most people never expected this. And even fewer expected the sweep and actual beat down the Mavs handed the Los Angeles Lakers, or as I like to call them, "LA Losers"

This is good for both teams (and the rest of the League) for so many reasons:

1.  Phil Jackson is an arrogant douche whose zen is TOTALLY out of whack now..
2. The Lakers are our arch rivals and this gets rid of them.
3. Mark Cuban is awesome and anyone running a team the way he runs the Mavs deserves this sort of success.



Why give the finger when 'the tongue' is much more enraging?

4. Jason Terry, a favorite of both myself and Big Ran.
5. Dirk's in the spotlight for the RIGHT reasons now, not because of his criminal ex-ape, oops, I mean, girlfriend

6. Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom are wannabe punk bitches and they got what was coming to them.
7. Lamar will have more time to focus on his reality show and building his big bootied empire with the Kardashians.
8. Ron Ron will have more time to focus on his humanitarian work and recording/promoting careers.
9. Derek Fisher, as President of the Player's Association, will have more time to concentrate on the impending lockout. 
10. Kobe will have more time to get another tattoo of Vanessa on his OTHER arm (of course, this implies he's going to cheat on her again with some of this newly acquired free time).
11. Kung Pau will be able to spend some time "Walking in Memphis" and Oklahoma, cheering on his little bro Marc, the successful one in the Gasol family this season.
12. This really mixes things up and makes the Western Conference Finals very interesting

Dirk, don't worry, it's for real, we promise! I guess singing all those David Hasselhoff songs to yourself while taking free throws is finally starting to pay off!! Actually, the Hoff just called and wants to take you out for burgers to celebrate...Can you make it?


-KC Jones

Tom Brady Crushing Those $18,000 Toilets in Style!

KC Jones' Comments: Hey, remember when Tom Brady was a man? Seems like so long ago.

Big Ran - Don't hate the playa, hate the game.  I would wear that blazer and go to VIP toilets any day of the week.

I Love My Commute!

All-in-all, I have a pretty easy commute.  It's 45 to 50 minutes, but no highways, and its pretty consistent.  Does that mean it is devoid of demented people?  Absolutely not!  There was a time, years ago, where I would get all fired up and pissed off about traffic and terrible drivers, and probably flip everyone off.  Now, mostly for my own sanity, I've made my peace with traffic and now if someone is a terrible drive, I just hope to irritate the shit out of them whenever possible.  

Let's take this morning as an example.  A classic move today as a woman decides she needs to be in the right lane at the last second on a busy road and just comes on over.  No signal, I honk because I really do not want her to hit me, she keeps on coming, then flips me off for honking at her.  I love that move, the "I am driving recklessly AND I'm going to flip you off anyway" move.  Now its on and I refuse to flip her off, that's a rookie move (also, you never know when you are flipping off an ex-Marine and that never goes over well, no matter how they are driving, trust me).  So I do a few exaggerated shrugs and she's yelling and flipping me off at this point.  Then, I start laughing hysterically, which pisses her off even more, so I start blowing her kisses and am rocking an exaggerated, smarmy smile.  She keeps looking in her rear view mirror and almost nails the car in front of her at a stop.  I keep laughing, pointing, blowing kisses and she is clearly distracted until she abruptly gets off that road while looking in her rear view.  I made her do that.  I win, sucka.  Good start to the day.

So, make it a game.  Don't get yourself all worked up when you can amuse yourself AND piss someone else off beyond belief.

For KC Jones, her favorite commuting song:

-Big Ran

Update:  A little history of the middle finger (from Wikipedia)

In Western culture, the finger (as in giving someone the finger), also known as the middle finger, the highway salute, the Bronx salute, the one-finger salute, the bird(as in giving, flipping, or flying the bird), flipping off someone, or (in Canada) the Trudeau salute is an obscene hand gesture, often meaning the phrase "fuck you" or "up yours". It is performed by showing the back of a closed hand that has only the middle finger extended upwards.

It is identified as the digitus impudicus (impudent finger) in Ancient Roman writings^[1] and reference is made to using the finger in ancient Greek comedy to insult another person. The widespread usage of the finger in many cultures is likely due to the geographical influence of the Roman Empire and Greco-Roman civilization. Another possible origin of thisgesture can be found in the first-century Mediterranean world, where extending the digitus impudicus was one of many methods used to divert the ever-present threat of the evil eye.

Hot Diggity Dog!

Warning: This clip may be inappropriate for "Takeover" Reader under 18. Take a look for yourself and see if you agree:



Really? No, seriously, REALLY? Wow! A+ for the marketing team at TUMS. Those people get to go to work every day and come up with stuff like that and I come to a cube and allow numbers to terrorize me 40 plus hours a week. Where is the justice? And, for anyone who wants to say "It wasn't meant THAT WAY", well, riddle me this: Why does the girlfriend cover the eyes of the stuffed animal?

I wonder if they have any job openings in their Marketing department? I'm a sicko, I'd blend in perfectly!

-KC Jones

Big Ran note:  I do NOT like this commercial at all.  Makes me feel funny.  I'm buying Rolaids from now on.

The Greatest Show On Earth

Despite the title, this post has nothing to do with a circus, at least not in the traditional sense. Instead, I'll be talking about the 'circus' I attended last night: Game 3 at the Boston Garden. Every single time I go to a Celtics game I'm left speechless by certain things I see. I feel selfish keeping all of these things to myself, so it's time to share with our loyal Takeover readers. Please note that even if you don't like hoops, you will LOVE this post because it's all about awesome and/or insane people in the general public.

Ready? Ok.

First of all, the fans in Boston are either awesome or obnoxious. And in some cases, they are both.And the experience at the Garden is always full of notable characters and situations.  Here are some pictures I snapped and some commentary about why a Celtics game is much like a circus.

1. Yup! You can actually BUY these giant heads at http://www.bigmugg.com/. I'm getting one ASAP. This couple was awesome. They were such great sports too, posing for pictures with people! I actually got my picture taken with a kid wearing a Shaq BigMugg. It was awesome. But if I showed you, I'd have to kill you.

2. Now, I've never been to another arena, so I don't know what happens elsewhere. I do know that in Boston, the Jumbotron is a source of endless entertainment, even when the game isn't going our way.  In addition to shout outs like the one pictured above, all sorts of awesome fans are showcased up there. BigMugg Mike and Tommy, for example. Even more entertaining are the shots of insane dancing fans played up there throughout the games or people who have no idea they're up there when they are. How about an Eddie Money look a like wearing a sports coat with NO shirt under it dancing as though he was having a seizure? That was awesome. Unfortunately, the picture came out blurry. Sorry!

3. Verbally abusive fans are the best. Boston's fans are the most verbally abusive ones ever. From what I've seen over 8 years as a season ticket holder, Boston would definitely win that award if the league was handing it out. Boston fans have been called classless for years, especially after some showed up wearing 'blood' covered wife beater T-shirts or signs declaring "Hey Kidd, this wife beater's for you" when the Celtics faced the Nets in the ECF's in 2002. I've heard older players harassed mercilessly with comments about nursing homes, walkers, wheelchairs, etc and when the C's used to play the Pacers, signs stating "Someone give Reggie Miller a protein shake" were not uncommon. Some fans are so sharp I don't even know where they come up with this stuff.  Profanity isn't cool because although I find it hilarious,  peeps pay good money to go to these games without having to be exposed to that. (Also, children should never have to be exposed to that). Some of the best in my area during Game 3:
 -"I'm going to punch you in the mouth"-Directed towards referee #26 who was hosing the C's at every chance he got.
-"Hey Lebronnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, you are a LOT like Judas, a LOTTTTTTTTTTT"-Directed towards Lebron during a break in the action. This dude was sitting just a row in front of us on the floor and he was remarkable. He also believed that throwing his green rally towel in the air would result in the Heat missing ALL of their free throw shots.
-"DWade Sucks"-Obviously directed at D-Wade when he 'helped' Rondo dislocate his elbow. There's nothing like 18,000 fans screaming this at a pivotal moment in the game.
-The "BOOS" heard round the world. I've NEVER heard ANYONE booed with more fervor and a louder volume than the Heat's starting lineup was last night.
-There were also random shouts directed towards Baby Bron Bron about him mom and Delonte West. "Lebron, how's your mother?", etc.  Those are always classic. Instant comedy.
So many others, so little blogging time...

4. Mascots. So, not only do we have Lucky the Leprechaun (and thank GOD the current incarnation is MUCH less creepy and cooler than the 'little man'/possible Level 1 Sex Offender before him), but we also have an unofficial mascot named "Aztec Gino" who is at EVERY SINGLE game. This dude also shows up at Red Sox games, on Boston radio stations, etc. I don't know what his deal is except that he's awesome. And yes, he is dressed like this every single game. I went to a game in the dead of winter once and he was wandering around outside in JUST this. No coat, no nothing. Now that's gangsta.
 

My picture wasn't good, so I had to find this one online.

So Lucky and Gino are fixtures at the games, no shock there. Lucky is paid, A.G. does it simply the love of the game because, the NBA? It's a hell of a drug.  However, last night, God proved that He really loved me by placing this very special man in our section who very clearly was on one hell of a drug:

"Say it loud, I'm a C's fan and I'm proud!"

Yup! "Belize it or not" with an "18" in the middle. I've got nothing else to say.

 I don't know who he is, or what he is, and I've NEVER seen him there before. But he was awesome, and I've named him "Blucky the Bleprechaun". (Black Lucky the Black Leprechaun). Dude was dancing around, high as a kite, the ENTIRE time! His eyes were completely glazed over. I tried to get better pics, but he moved more quickly than my camera could capture. At one point, he and Lucky (White Lucky) even teamed up for a performance. Thank God Blucky didn't think he could do back flips or else it may have ended tragically. Bonus: When they started playing Bob Marley at the end of the game, this man was literally in Heaven, swaying back and forth, pointing to the sky. I'm hoping he starts showing up a LOT more often next season, I want to be best friends with him.

5. Asians. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying this in a racist way. I'm giving Asians (at least the ones who were at last night's game) props for being AWESOME. If you need proof read and see below:

Ah, Ray Arren and Kevin Garnett, I love you long time!

Halftime show? Asian woman on a unicycle catching plates on her head! All I can say is show me a white girl with that kind of talent.....ok, didn't think so....I wouldn't be surprised if this woman does perform in a circus somewhere.

And finally, I was unable to capture a picture of this, but it was my favorite. During the game, two signs kept being shown on the Jumbotron. We couldn't see the people as the signs were huge and held in front of their faces. One said "LAKER CAN'T" and the other, held next to it, said "BUT WE CAN". Yup, LAKER can't, not a typo. So, I was wondering why there wasn't an "S" at the end. I wonder this for about 40 out of 48 minutes. Well, the last time they were seen on the screen, I noticed that Asian people were holding them. Awesome. These people make everything THAT much better! They made the Celtics victory even sweeter and, had they lost, they would have taken some of the sting away just by their very presence.

There are plenty of other things as well, but this post is far too long, so I will stop here. Hopefully you enjoyed reading nevertheless. I know that all of these things make it much easier to pay $25 to park,  $5.50 for a pretzel with cheese, and $4 for a kid sized soda.

-KC Jones

Oh What a Night!!

*Ok, so I have a serious post about the Celtics. Serious is something we don't do very often here at "The Takeover". Stay tuned for a more typical post following this one.

When Mr. KC Jones and I headed into Boston last night to see Game 3 of the Celtics/Heat series, I'll admit, I was nervous. Truthfully, after the disasters we witnessed in Games 1 & 2, I can't say that I would have been shocked by another collapse in Game 3. Not because the C's aren't great, but because they are tired, their starters are older and injured, and about half of the roster is completely inexperienced in these situations (thanks Danny Ainge). Anyway, all I knew is that I would have been happy with a 1 point win, in double overtime if that's what it took.

But from the second we entered the Garden (despite looking like drown rats due to downpours), you could feel it was going to be an outstanding night for the boys in green. Now, you all know how the game went, so I don't need to get into it. The Celtics brought it, and they brought it big time. It was a totally different team compared to the one that showed up in Game 2. They played like men possessed, realizing the importance of the task at hand. With an immeasurable amount of passion, determination, and stifling defense (the final score reflected that as the C's were able to hold the Heat to 81 points in 48 minutes), the Celtics put the Heat back in their place and I can guarantee that they will feed off this energy for the rest of the series, and they will emerge victorious.

 Consider what happened: They were down 0-2 and could have folded easily because they truly do have every excuse in the book. Fortunately for Boston fans, they don't use excuses. Shaq returned, and despite injury and age, he was all in. His numbers weren't great, but his presence was. It's the intangibles, which are all too frequently overlooked in sports. Once again, the Celtics were victims of the worst refs in ALL of professional sports. Then, the unthinkable, Rondo's elbow was dislocated with a little help from D-Bag (aka DWade). We were pretty sure that was the end of him for the series, and we KNEW it was the end of him for the night. Guess we don't know anything at all though, because he returned, playing using only ONE ARM...and doing it well, along with a guarantee he WILL be playing on Monday night as well!

So, for all the ribbing I take from Big Ran and others for being a sports bigamist, etc, I just want to end this post by saying the Celtics deserve respect. Like them or not, they are unbelievably hard workers, and, in the words of Tony Allen, they 'nerquit'.  This doesn't mean I don't love my Spurs. This doesn't mean I don't love other players on other teams and love the league in general. But, what it does mean is that the Celtics are where my heart is.

-KC Jones

New Edition

Ok, I know that on Monday we were all thinking that things couldn't get better for our country and for the world. I mean, after all,our real American heroes (sorry G.I. Joe), picked off one of the most evil men in the history of civilization. I, for one, thought we had peaked as far as good news was concerned. But then, the following headline, first announced in March, was confirmed and added to the week's feelings of euphoria:

Bobby Brown Announces New Edition Reunion

That's right! New Edition, INCLUDING one of my favorite headcases, Bobby Brown, is going to be launching a World Tour. I always feel like those of us who enjoy a good old school R&B group are being neglected. After all, we have to hear about The Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block touring together, etc. But now, it's our turn! I'm mainly excited because I am DYING to see what the original fans of New Edition look like now. I'm imagining something like this, by renowned photographer,"MrUndaCova":

Big Ran, you interested? I'm sure Mrs. Big Ran would give you a free pass!

Also, if my Spidey Sense is as accurate as I believe it is, I'm thinking there will be a LOT of Personalized Jewelry on display at these shows.

Regardless, New Edition is just another reason why I'm proud to be an American. And seriously, with videos and slick dance moves (not to mention wardrobe choices) like this, how could you NOT be a fan?



Remember, these are Boston Boys, so we have to give them their props. Michael Bivins is a fixture at Celtics games, so he's alright by me.  Additionally each and every one of them had very successful careers after their voices changed as well, whether as solo artists (Ralph and Bobby) or as part of a trio (Bell Biv DeVoe, now you know!)

And, most importantly, without New Edition, who knows if the world would have ever been graced with behavior like this, from a self proclaimed "True American":



-KC Jones

Artest for President!

Greetings Takeover readers! First, I have to apologize for my lack of committment to the blog this week, but unfortunately the Corporation took over my life with quarter end. That being said, I'm sure everyone is just fine because we all know that NO ONE is funnier than Big Ran and he held it down all week! Every time I think he can't get funnier, BOOM, he pulls something else out of his sleeve.

Anyway, after this extremely long week that once again had me questioning my choice of college degree, I'd like to unwind by presenting you with what is possibly the most ridiculously hilarious thing I've ever seen/heard. As you might remember, a couple of weeks ago, we celebrated all things Ron Artest in order to congratulate him for winning the NBA Citizenship Award. But, sadly, all good things come to an end, and Wednesday night we were all questioning his actions. Ron Ron got ended up getting ejected and given a one game suspension for pulling a WWE move on the Dallas Mavericks' J.J. Barea. There was simply no need for this move and it hurt my heart, because I thought Ronnie was turning the corner. However, just as I was starting to doubt him, I stumbled across this video:



Okay, are you still in shock? I am. I swear that this is NOT a joke. I didn't make this--quite frankly, I'm not creative or awesome enough to come up with something like this. The dude wrote a rap song called "Afghan Women" and that is actually what the ditty is about. I don't even know what to say. I think if I were an "Afghan Woman" I'd be a little taken aback so say the least. I just kept thinking "What?!" over and over again. For real, a man who has had domestic abuse issues in the past is calling attention to the plight of subjugated Middle Eastern women? And then, I start wondering, 'Is he hitting on them with some of these lyrics?' It's rap lyrics set to ballad music and it's simply mind boggling. I don't know whether to throw up dubs or light some candles. Around the 3 minute mark is where I really lost it. I'd like to say this is ground breaking, and it is, but in a demented way. Also, I find it quite appropriate that the video closes out by flashing the words, "THE PAIN" across the screen, because my abs were in a tremendous amount of it from laughing hysterically for almost 4 minutes.

After seeing this video, I don't think anything will ever surprise me again. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to wonder if he'll be making a run for the White House in 2012. At the VERY least, Obama should consider adding him to his administration's cabinet. Clearly, he's well versed in international issues in addition to his domestic commitments. My only question? Who will be his running mate? Oh wait, never mind, I already know:

For anyone who was living in a cave in Afghanistan: This is Mike Tyson.

*And I have a feeling their campaign signs will feature pigeons, and lots of them*

-KC Jones

Can I Live In It?

So, the Kentucky Derby is this weekend and obviously, that brings out all the high rolling d-bags.  Apparently,  companies can get a spot or luxury box or something to that effect at Churchill Downs for $450,000.  Seven companies have done this for a total of $3.15 million.  For this, I'm sure they get open bar, food, etc, but also VIP bathrools that are capped at 175 people, so $18,000 per person.  This is just a touch less than my YEARLY mortgage.  I would have to trade living in my house for a year in order to be able to get the chance to go to the Kentucky Derby in the VIP section.  Plus, I'd probably have to buy a seersucker suit and go tanning.  Deal breaker. 

Just kidding, they wouldn't let this poor guy in, they raycess!

More VIP crapper pics:

-Big Ran