This is AWESOME

I always liked KG, even when he was in Minny.  I always dug Dirk Nowitzki's game.  Kevin Durant HAS to be the new face of the NBA when they come back from the lockout.  The players are locked out, guys are talking about playing in Europe (Kobe is demanding $1 million a month), and all KD is doing is balling.  Balling in Rucker Park and just absolutely killing it.  Remember the lockout when Shawn Kemp came back insanely overweight and presumably after impregnating 6 more women?  Yeah, this is the complete opposite of that.

-Big Ran

Can Fat Albert and Ochocinco Turn Tom Bundchen Back Into a Man?

The big news last week was the fact that the Pats made trades for two guys that people have a lot of questions about: Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochocinco.  Haynesworth is fairly risk-free since he came to New England for a 5th round pick and he can be released at any time.  Ochocinco is a goof ball, but isn't a bad guy and again, they didn't give up much to get him, just 5th and 6th round picks in 2012 and 2013, respectively.

KC Jones had a great question for me this morning:  "So, what are the chances that Ochocinco and Haynesworth turn Tom Brady back into a man?"

Lets look at the evidence in addition to the water slide fiasco:

Child, please.  The good thing is that Tom Brady trimmed the hair a bit for training camp, which can only be a good thing; he is like the opposite of Sampson.  I think Ocho keeps Tom loose, helps him lighten up a bit, and keeps him feeling young.  How could he not:

Also, Ocho should be able to help him with his dance moves (2:40 mark for the dancing):



Bonus: Tocho on Fat Albert:



I suppose Fat Albert could teach Tom how to sexually assault women?

-Big Ran

Don't Cross These Two

Dudes, I have to say, Whitey is looking pretty good for an 80 year old dude who has been on the run for years.  Also, let me say this for the record:  there's no way I screw with either of these people.  Everyone can feel bad for Catherine Greig, but look into her eyes.  That's one BAD BITCH.  You piss her off and there's no way she waits to tell Whitey.  She's putting a switch blade in your kidney all on her own.

-Big Ran

We Have a Lot to Catch Up On

Here's a quick rundown of what I am going to try to cover at some point (hopefully) today:

Pour a little out for Amy Winehouse:

Is that a real before and after pic?  Good god.  Don't do drugs.

Randy Moss, the NFL's Allen Iverson:

Insane talent and amazing sound bites.

Fat Albert and Ochocinco to the Pats:

-Big Ran

Stuck in My Head

OK, I know I'm nuts, but I may have serious problems.  I am sure many people wake up with songs stuck in their head.  Every morning I have a song stuck in my head for no apparent reason.  It isn't something I normally listen to or I have heard for a really long time.  Well, this morning, I wake up singing a combination of two songs; perhaps the most random pairing in the history of the erf.

Katy Perry's "Hot 'n Cold," and a song from the Can AM Roadster commercials (the motorcycles with three wheels).  I can't find the right song yet, but I'll get there at some point because I don't want to do actual work I am paid for.



And, just because these dudes are awesome...



-Big Ran

Bonus:  Katy Perry side boob:

Has Anyone Seen Santa Claus Lately??

Man who died in chimney found 27 years later

Updated: Thursday, 28 Jul 2011, 7:44 AM EDT
Published : Thursday, 28 Jul 2011, 7:26 AM EDT

ABBEVILLE, La. (AP) - Authorities say bones found in the chimney of a bank in Louisiana have been identified and belong to a man who has been missing for 27 years.

The man's remains were found in May when the bank started renovations. Abbeville police Lt. David Hardy says the remains belong to Joseph W. Schexnider. He was 22 years old when his family last saw him in January 1984.

At that time, Schexnider was wanted for possessing a stolen car, but it's not clear exactly why or when Schexnider entered the chimney.

Officials couldn't determine how he died, but police speculate that he starved.

The bank closed off the chimney in the mid to late 1980s.

Copyright © 2011 The Associated Press. All rights reserved

Read more: http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/offbeat/mans-body-found-in-chimney-27-years-later-25-apx-20110728?obref=obinsite#ixzz1ToGxaUVp

Okay, so all I want to say is, seriously? Honestly, a human being goes 'missing' for 27 years and his bones are then found in a chimney? Also, if it's true that he starved to death, that must have been a very long and painful process. Also, if you were stuck in a chimney, or anywhere for that matter, wouldn't you make noise? And, it's not like it's air-tight or soundproof. Somebody must have known SOMETHING! I know it's Louisiana, so I shouldn't expect much, but I'm having a really hard time with all of this, so I'd like to reflect by putting together a brief, but appropriately themed playlist:

1. Up On The Roof-The Drifters: Because this is where it all began obviously.


2. Nowhere to Run: Martha Reeves & the Vandellas: If he stole the car, as reported, he was obviously on the run from law enforcement, although I have no idea who would think a chimney would be a good hiding place.


3. Chim Chimney: From "Mary Poppins", possibly one of the WORST movies ever. I hate it, I hate this song, but at least I've found some use for it now. I don't need to explain any further, the title says it all.


4. Up on the House Top (or in this case, Bank Top): How do we know the bones that they found do not belong to Santa Claus? Just a thought....


5. "Trapped in the Closet"-R.Kelly: Ok, so again, we know he was trapped in a chimney, but being trapped is being trapped, regardless. Plus it's R.Kelly, so it's extra ridiculous and it would be a waste to NOT feature part of his collection any time it is appropriate (and when ISN'T it appropriate, really?)


That is all for right now!

-KC Jones

LeEgo Strikes Again

I can't decide what LeEgo's problem is.  Is it that he's really, really dumb?  Is it that he's an immature, petulant man-child?  Is it that while he secretly wants everyone to love him, he tries to pretend will take on all the haters?  Nice Heat themed Akron t-shit, you douche.

Just stay in Miami and go ringless until the new CBA kicks in and forces the Heat to trade you or Bosh.  The only thing that makes me happy about this picture is the hope that one of those kids turned around and slugged him square in the nuts as soon as that lovely picture was taken.

-Big Ran 

Ethical Question?

OK, I have an ethical dilemma here at the ol' workplace.  We have a sweet new wheelchair in the office just in case anyone ever visited that had some mobility issues.  Can I cruise the hallways in this thing?  In no way would I do it to offend anyone, I just really want to try it out.  I have enough comedy cache in the office that I think people would be cool with it.  WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!!?!

-Big Ran

KC Jones Says: Stem Cell research is an ethical dilemma,  embryo harvesting is an ethical dilemma-- an unused wheelchair hanging out in your office is an invitation!!! There is absolutely NO reason why you can and/or shouldn't take it for a spin. And, if anyone has an issue and gets offended, let's be serious: 1. You don't care Big Ran and 2. You could always play the "I'm just trying to understand what other people go through" card. I hope you're already in it, cruising around! HOLLLLLLLAAAAAAA!

I would love to tell you I am relaxed and refreshed and pumped to be back in the office.  I am not.  The last two weeks went by in a flash and all I got was this stupid sunburn.  I will have more as the day goes on.  I have to ease back into this.

Uggghhhh.

-Big Ran

Movie Review - Whatever Harry Potter is in Theaters Now

Hey errbody!  So I am on vacation this week and had a little date night with Mrs. Big Ran last night.  We went to dinner, then saw "Harry Potter 8:  The Revenge."  I have seen all the Harry Potter movies, not because I am some creepy dude who lives in his Mom's basement (just an aside, the thought of not having a mortgage to pay, makes that pretty appealing), but because I have seen all of them since I got married.

Anyway, I saw the last movie in the theater whenever it was out (last summer? Just researched it, last summer is correct), so I figured I would remember all the things I would need for this latest edition.

Wrong.  I had no idea what was going on in the first 30 minutes of this movie.  Not that it wasn't well done, I just have the information retention of a four year old.  Anyway, I always expect more out of these movies, but it seems to always come down to Harry and that snake-faced dude shooting lasers out of their wands at each other until someone or something gets blowed out.  They need more car chases.

Also, this is what I have never understood:  Harry Potter is the man in these movies, right?  This dude should be balls deep in witch pussy.  ALL THE TIME.  There is a scene in the movie where he and his buddies go back to their old wizard school and you can see these chicks want a piece of his meat wand.  Nothing.  Then (SPOILER ALET), after he kills the snake-faced dude, he walks back through the school, which is in ruins, but he should be a conquering hero and have wizard chicks at his beck and call.  That's my problem with this movie.  In real life, Harry wouldn't settle for that super average red head, he'd be casting spells on big breasted British chicks.  I would see that movie.

On the ride home from the movie, I said this (well, some of it) to my wife.  She had a lot of great reasons why he wouldn't do that and I realized two things:

1.  She pays way more attention to the details of a story/movie more than I do.

2.  I definitely have some demented thoughts that run through my head and pretty much come up with my own plot while watching a movie.

So, I give this move 3 out of 5 stars.  It would have been 4 if he hooked up with a bunch of chicks.

-Big Ran