Mormons is Infiltrating My YouTube!

Not only are they knocking on my door, trying to save my soul, but they are infiltrating my YouTube.  I actually have no real beef with Mormons, their astoundingly racist history aside (so, I guess I do have a problem with them).  I know two Mormons very well and they are great guys.  They don't drink, but they'll go out and won't judge me if I get a bit sloppy on a business trip.  I would argue they are two of the more liberal Mormons around, but that is neither here nor there.  When Mormons go to my parents' house, my Dad is the best.  I love when Dads get to the point of not caring if they offend someone whatsoever.  He just says something to the effect of, "Hey, let me stop you right there.  I can respect your beliefs, but you aren't going to change my mind no matter what you say, so I don't want you to waste your time on me."  Sometimes he gets Mormons that look at him like he is already on fire and sometimes they thank him for his honesty.  Hey whatever works.  However, I put is a search for Kenny Powers and I think Mormons know that I am destined for hell fire.  Look at these results:

Suggestions

• 1:59Wife, Mother, Mormonby MormonPromoted Video367,221 views
• 1:33Eastbound and Down - Funniest Sceneby StopTheRobbery29,380 views
• 3:57Eastbound & Down - Kenny Powers is Backby jgcfc5866,916 views
• 0:31Eastbound and Down - Funniest Sceneby mudvaynedanzig285,174 views
• 6:53BEST OF KENNY POWERSby iWonDeRwHAtsneXt152,802,617 views
• 0:51Best Scene In Eastbound & Downby hitch2321314,063 views
• 1:53Eastbound & Down - Kenny "Cocksure" Powers Stri...by fx40,972 views
  

I think that this post is the first time in the history of the world, someone has written about Kenny Powers and Mormons at the same time.  Has to be, right?

I was actually in Salt Lake City for about 24 hours because of delayed flights and it was really cool.  Found a great brewery and awesome restaurants.  My hotel was right across the street from the main Mormon temple.  The more you know, Big Ran edition.

-Big Ran

Irrational Rant...Self Checkout Lines

Cowboy boots and skirt, f*ck yeah!

So after a day of driving all over central and eastern Massachusetts yesterday, Mrs. Big Ran and I stopped at Stop & Shop to look at Red Box movies (there was nothing good) and to pick up something for our dogs, which, for some inexplicable reason, is like one-third the price at Stop & Shop as it is everywhere else even though everything else at Stop & Shop is about a dollar more expensive than everywhere else.

It is about 8:15 PM, so there aren't many people in the store and I have one item, so I go to the self checkout.    At the first one, I choose English, then is says, "Please Wait for Attendant."  WTF? Is it pissed I chose English as my language?  Did this self checkout machine just get Rosetta Stone and want to work on its Spanish?  Well, f*ck that, I'm going to another one.  Get to another one, I choose English, put in the 'ol savey save f*cky f*ck card (courtesy of Bill Burr), and scan the item.  It then says, "Please Wait for Attendant."  So we wait for some teenager to come over and scan his card and punch some sh!t in..

My question is this?  WTF is the point of self checkout if you need some young punk to do sh!t for me?  I choose self checkout because I wan to go fast.  I like my checkout just like my cars and my women, fast as f*ck.

In that awesome Bill Burr clip he goes on  to hate on self checkout for different reasons than why I hate them.  I think they should have different lanes for different speeds of people using the self checkout, just like the highway.  If you are slow as balls, use the right lane.  If you know what you are doing, are going to use a credit or debit card, and don't have many items, go to the left.  If you are going to use a check and are under the age of 70, kill yourself.

I can't tell you how many times I have had to sit at a self checkout and wait for a damn attendant either because of poorly designed machines or the jerk offs in front of me in line.  A couple months ago I was buying a bunch of stuff at BJ's for my wife's 30th b-day party.  It's BJ's, so obviously everything there is super sized.  Cartons, crates, cases, whatever.  Anyway, there are self checkout options at BJ's, so I choose that because every other line is about a block and a half long with people that seem to be stockpiling for their World War III bunkers.  However, apparently, if you use self checkout and have some thing that is too heavy (like a case of water bottles), you need the attendant.  F*ck that noise.  At that point it is no longer self checkout because everything at BJ's weighs like 120 pounds. 

I'm feeling it today.  This is exactly how I feel (possibly NSFW due to swears, there's no boobies or anything):

-Big Ran

I Couldn't Make this Up

There are a lot of ways I could start this blog, so I'll just go with a little background, then get right to what could be the possible quotes of the century or the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had.

A couple weeks ago, right after we picked up our new puppy, my wife and I we hanging out on the front porch with our two dogs.  Our neighbor and his girlfriend came over to see the dogs and our 2 year old dog started humping the sh!t out of the girlfriend.  Now, he was neutered like a year and a half ago, but was still going to town.

My neighbor is ultimately a good guy, just a bit out there.  He helped me shingle my roof, he is divorced, and has three kids.  However, he is most definitely an interesting character.  He was in the Army Special Forces, and has lived quite the life since then.  Also, he LOVES Bud Light.  Probably crushes at least a dozen a day.

So, a few days later, I see him and he comes over to the yard when I am taking one of our dogs out and he says the following:

"You know the other day when Otis was humping my girlfriend?  Well, I don't know if she told you, but she was on the rag.  So, Otis probably smelled the furmones.  You know, men have hormones and women have furmones.  That's why they can't put women on the front lines of the military, especially in a place like Central America where they have jungles and you have to deal panthers and jaguars.  Those things would be able to smell those furmones a mile away."

Ver-fu*king-batim.  That is exactly what he said and he pronounced it as "furmones" as opposed to pheromones.  And I also love how women don't have hormones, they have "furmones."   However, all of this pales in comparison to his line that he didn't know if she told me she was on the rag.  On what planet is this socially acceptable?  So friggin weird.  Welcome to my life.

-Big Ran

Super Terrific Happy Hour!

In honor of the first Patriots preseason game taking place tonight, let's all get our swole on...









If you don't think Meriweather could at least sing back up for Prince, you're crazy.

-Big Ran

Stuck in My Head

I actually heard this on the radio yesterday morning, so this makes much more sense that what's been knocking around my head the last couple of weeks.  We mention Flo Rida before, but this may have been the first time I have seen the video.  I mean, it's better than the music video I don't have, but this is a pretty dumb video.

On another note, I apologize for the commercial at the beginning of the video.  Is it the Miracle Whip one for everyone with the fat, sloppy dude talking about the party in his mouth and everyone will be there.  Fu*king gross.

-Big Ran


KC Jones Comment: I feel bad that Big Ran has this song stuck in his head, and I feel worse that he had to watch the Miracle Whip commercial. As for me, I have this song stuck in my head......which also has the Miracle Whip commercial in the beginning, but this time featuring everyone's favorite, Pauly D from the Jersey Shore....

Super Terrific Happy Hour!

We haven't had a Super Terrific Happy Hour in a while, so today we'll contemplate the awesomeness of small town police blotters and how these two crimes could be connected so long as monkeys like beer.

First, from Waukesha, WI:

Theft victim says culprit accompanied by monkey

The victim of a theft said the thief had a black "chimp-looking" monkey with them.

According to a Franklin police report:

A saw was stolen from a parking lot in the 7200 block of South 27th Street prior to 7 p.m. Aug. 3.

The victim said the monkey was with the thief or thieves.

The victim was advised to call police if he sees the monkey again.

And, from Baltimore:

Give up your beer!

A word of warning -- give up your beer!

Annapolis police reported this morning:

Robbery – 700 block of Annapolis Neck Rd – 8/10 at 12:28am:  A victim was attacked for refusing to give up his beer.  After he refused, Gerald Jones, a 46 year old male from Annapolis repeatedly struck the victim in the head with a rock and stick and then fled the scene.  Jones was quickly located by police.  Gerald Jones is charged with Armed Robbery, 1st and 2nd Degree Assault, and Reckless Endangerment.  He is currently being held at the Anne Arundel County Detention Center on $500,000.

Police, unfortunately, don't say what kind of beer was involved.

-Big Ran

PS:  I will be out of the office most of the day tomorrow, so I may be a bit light on the old awesomeness.

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

So, like most women, reality TV is a guilty pleasure for me. One of my favorite shows is "Teen Mom" and, while I actually really like 2 out of the 4 girls, but the other two are awful, and Amber (naturally her name is Amber) and her on again, off again beast of a baby daddy are two of the most brutal people I have EVER seen.

With that being said, I'd like to present today's installment of LTLA:

Gary: large,hairy and in charge

Chewbacca: Large, hairy, and in charge

Captain Caveman...hairy...and in charge...

He might also look like Slimer from Ghostbusters....just a thought....

-KC Jones

Stock Market Needs to Get It's Sh!t Together

I REFUSE to look at my 401k.  What's the point?  I worry about the bills I have to pay now, never mind the one's I won't be able to pay if I can ever retire.  However, I would read the news more if they came up with headlines like this all the time.

-Big Ran

Amen, brotha!

Jeremy Irons: OK to grope bottoms

HOLLYWOOD icon Jeremy Irons has hit out at political correctness - claiming a woman should "deal with it" if a man gropes her bottom - rather than going to court.

The actor, who stars in Sky Atlantic's new historical drama The Borgias from Saturday, said: "There are too many people in power with too little to do so they churn out laws to justify their jobs.

"Most people are robust. If a man puts his hand on a woman's bottom, any woman worth her salt can deal with it.

"It's communication. Can't we be friendly?"

His outburst is sure to annoy actress wife Sinéad Cusack who wishes Jeremy would bite his tongue more often.

But he refuses to apologise for his frankness.

The Brideshead Revisited star, 62, admitted: "Sinéad criticises me for being too frank. But that's the only way I can be.

"I am what I am and I do what I do."

That's what I'm talking about, Jeremy Irons!  Can't we all just get along and alow me to grab that ass?  Also, ladies, get in the kitchen and make me a sangwich!  Quick story about an accidental groping...

I was in NY for a Sox-Yanks game and we were taking the subway to Yankee stadium.  It's obviously packed, so I am trying to squeeze on and move back from the door.  On the way in I accidentally and very lightly brush the breast of a very large and in charge woman.  At that point it was slow motion and I could either apologize and possibly make a scene or ignore it and move on.  I chose option B.  I am so thankful I did that because I then heard one of the best quotes of all time.  The woman turned to her friend and said, "Hey, he just punched me in the titty."

That was so worth the milliseconds of awkwardness.

-Big Ran

Stuck in My Head

I am totally serious. I'm not Rick Rolling your asses. Let me paint a picture for you. I get up at 5 AM to take our puppy out, so I have her in one arm while I am taking a leak and singing this song.

On another note, this song always makes me think of the Cleveland Cavaliers because they would play this in the 4th quarter when they were blowing teams out. Then I think of LeBron screwing that city over. Then I think of Delonte banging LeBron's Mom and I am happy again.

-Big Ran

PS: at the 2:06 mark a dude inexplicably jumps up against a chain link fence. The budget for this video had to be like $38.