Thursday, March 22, 2012
Stuck In My Head
This one's for KC as a belated birthday gift. I'm cheap as f*ck.
I know Chris Brown is a f*cking psycho woman abuser; this generations Ike Turner, but I'll be damned if this track isn't on f*cking fire.
As a bonus gift to KC and because of the Rihanna reference, I introduce possibly my favorite YouTube Video of all time. it's at least number one on this week's list. All time, it has to be top five, right?
-Big Ran
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Headline of the Year Candidate
Menacing-looking artificial vaginas now sold at Walgreens
MSN - Drugstores. They're a great catch-all place for those random things that make errands lists. Things like toothpaste, shampoo or artificial vaginas. Yes, Walgreens is now appealing to the man who wants anonymity in his sex toy purchases, and thus, available only on its website, is the Tenga Flip Hole for Male Masturbation. For only $77.99 ($12 off!) you can own a fake vagina "designed to be the best male masturbator," "deliberately not a simple artificial vagina" and featuring an "astonishing complex inside shape." Shipping is free, so beat a path to the site soon.
I feel like we just covered this. Would a banana fit in there? Because if not, God will be pissed.
-Big Ran
Get Me This Game or I Will Throw a Tantrum
Evangelistic, educational, entertaining.
At last, a board game that reveals the insanity of perhaps the greatest hoax of our times -- the unscientific "theory of evolution."
"Intelligent Design vs Evolution" is unique in that the playing pieces are small rubber brains and each team plays for "brain" cards. Each player uses his or her brains to get more brains, and the team with the most brains wins. It has been designed to make people think . . . and that's exactly what it does.
"Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron are doing much more than revealing the bankruptcy of molecules-to-man evolution. They have a greater purpose: proclaiming biblical authority and reaching the lost with the precious gospel message. Enjoy this wonderful family game as you also become better equipped to defend our precious Christian faith."
-- Ken Ham, President, Answers in Genesis.
http://www.intelligentdesignversusevolution.com/
Stop the f*cking presses. Let's get this straight. Someone better go into my Amazon.com wishlist and buy me this game before I lose my f*cking mind. Are you telling me I could be learning about the biggest hoax of our times in an Evangelistic, educational, and entertaining way and I'm not? I'm sitting here reading Charles Darwin's "On the Origin of Species," trying my damnedest to disprove it with prayer and hand-wringing when I could be playing a game? Score one for the good guys because it looks like my prayers were answered! Suck it scientists! Who's smart now? I am, because I am learning FACTS like these:
"True or False? Prehistoric man may have sometimes lived in caves." "False. […] Since the first man is mentioned in the Bible's historical record, there has never been a prehistoric man."
Next time you think evolution is, you know, a scientific fact, just watch this video:
BOOM! Ridges of the banana fit perfectly into your hand to make a hilarious and delicious hand gesture for intercourse. Ipso, fatso, fact, no evolution. I don't know how much more straightforward it could be.
-Big Ran
6'8" Person Dunks Basketball - Most Boring Headline Ever
So this we are getting the news of Brittney Griner dunking a basketball crammed down our throats because she is the second woman to ever dunk in an NCAA game. Can I just state the obvious here? She's six foot f*cking eight inches tall. The news should be every time she doesn't dunk a basketball. I'm not examining this like the Zapruder film, but I think she got about 12 inches off the ground. I didn't get on Sports Center every time my buddies and I lowered a hoop to eight feet and had a dunk contest. And our sh!t was hot. Reverses, self-passes, off the backboard; everything short of jumping over Kia's.
There is no doubt that Griner is a very unique women's player and a major defensive presence, but let's be honest, anyone who thinks she could play in the NBA is outside of their minds. I don't think a match uop with Blake Griffin would go too well.
-Big Ran
Stuck In My Head
Why? I don't know. Maybe I heard it on the radio yesterday. Happy Hump Day, bitches.
-Big Ran
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Can We Talk About the 400 Pound Gorilla In the Room?
400-pound gorilla escapes, bites zookeeper at Buffalo Zoo
BUFFALO, New York (Reuters) - A 400-pound adult male gorilla escaped his cage at the Buffalo Zoo on Monday, biting a female zookeeper before being tranquilized and captured in what a SWAT team leader called, "the scariest thing I've ever done."
Zoo officials said Koga, a 24-year-old silverback gorilla, took advantage of an unlocked door in his living quarters on Monday morning and slipped into the space behind it, used by zoo personnel but closed to the public.
A keeper who has cared for Koga since he arrived in 2007 was bitten on her hand and calf, in what officials said was an act of excitement rather than aggression.
"He was probably just as surprised coming face to face with her as she was with him," Buffalo Zoo President Donna Fernandes said.
The keeper, whose name was not released, took refuge inside the habitat of a female gorilla and her newborn baby, Fernandes said. The keeper had a good relationship with the mother who, like Koga, is a West Lowland gorilla, native to West Africa and the Congo River Basin, she said.
Meanwhile, police sent in the SWAT team to secure the area while a veterinarian used a handheld blow pipe to sedate Koga through a porthole.
Visitors to the zoo were moved indoors and stayed there throughout the roughly 45-minute ordeal -- the zoo's first escape, Fernandes said.
"That was the scariest thing I've ever done in my career," said SWAT team captain Mark Maraschiello.
"It's a 400 pound animal that's capable of who knows what. He could rip your arm out of its socket," Maraschiello said.
The sedated gorilla was dragged by zoo staff back to his habitat once the drugs took hold, about 15 minutes after they were administered.
The keeper's decision to lock herself inside the separate habitat likely kept her from being further harmed, according to officials at the zoo. Several locked doors kept Koga from running amok through the zoo and beyond.
Fernandes promised an investigation into how Koga escaped.
"I'm sure it was very dramatic for (the zoo keeper) and for all the keepers. It was pins and needles," she said.
The wounded zookeeper was undergoing an evaluation at a nearby hospital but her injuries were not considered serious.
Koga was born at the Bronx Zoo in New York City and transferred in 1994 to the Memphis Zoo before landing in Buffalo. Fernandes said he has no history of unusual aggression.
If I was stuck in a Buffalo zoo, you bet your ass I'd do everything in my power to escape too. Imagine if you were a 400 pound gorilla and you could be in the San Diego Zoo, but you're stuck in Buffalo. That's like the safety school of zoos. He had been in the Bronx Zoo, so at least he had sweet nightlife. Memphis Zoo? At least that's a party zoo. Warm weather and slutty sorority gorillas there. Now he's in the Buffalo Zoo. 28 feet of snow a year and a bunch of female gorillas that just sit around watching the Bills and eating wings. That sh!t would get old real quick.
-Big Ran
Stuck In My Head
See, I'm telling you, this bro came down with the Kony 2012 fever. One minute he's coming up with a half hour video to watch on YouTube and become a social activist, next minute he's going Martin Lawrence on all of our asses, you know, except naked.
Listen, it's tough work raking in the money and getting everyone pissed of at Carl Weathers.
Fire it up, Billy!
-Big Ran
Closing Time!
NEW YORK – Oprah Winfrey's OWN network is pulling the curtain on "The Rosie Show" after five months on the air.
The show premiered in October to about 500,000 viewers but lost about half that audience within days of its debut.
Recently, it changed the format from taping before a studio audience to a one-on-one interview setting with celebrities such as Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler and former Illinois first lady Patti Blagojevich.
In a statement released by OWN, Winfrey
thanked O'Donnell. She called O'Donnell "an incredible partner" who
worked to put on the best show "every single day."
O'Donnell also was quoted as saying she loved working with Winfrey and in Chicago and "wished" the show had better ratings.
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| Getting this for Big Ran as a mouse pad. |
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| Ever hear the expression, "Death warmed over"? |
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| So much so say, all so inappropriate.... |
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| Something tells me NEITHER team wants to claim her... |
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| Really? |
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Stuck In My Head - March Madness Edition
Double shot for yo minds, yo bodies, and yo souls. It is day one of the two best days of the year: MARCH MUTHA F*CKIN' MADNESS!!!!! The second best day is tomorrow. 16 games each day.
I'm not working, I'm getting drunk, hanging with some homies, and just watching non stop hoops.
-Big Ran
No D-Rose? No Problem.
That was actually a little dicey without D-Rose. I started writing this with about 14 seconds to go and thought I jinxed them.
Every time the Heat lose, an angel gets their wings.
Do the happy dance everybody!
-Big Ran
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