Big Ran's Sh!tmix Tape

Big Ran's Sh!mixtape:

1. Nickleback - Photograph


2. Barenaked Ladies - One Week


3. Dido - Thank You


4. Aerosmith - Don't Wanna Miss a Thing


5. Creed - With Arms Wide Open


BOOM. Game, set, match, Big Ran.

KC's Sh!tmix Tape

Ok, so, using Big Ran's rule that it's not the 5 worst songs of all time, but perhaps the 5 songs you'd be most embarrassed to drive around bumping from your ride, here I go--this is SO difficult though...:

1.George Michael: "Monkey"

2. Madonna: "Santa Baby"

3. Bobby Brown: "Humpin' Around"

4. Culture Club: "I'll Tumble For Ya"

5. Olivia Newton John: "Physical"


-KC Jones

Irrational Rant....Fill 'Er Up!

This is a rant that's been a long time coming, and since I have a little time to sit and spit hot fire right now, here we go!

Ok, so, most of us drive cars and therefore have to go to the gas station on a weekly basis. If you're like me , it's not one of your favorite stops to make, but sitting on the side of the side of the road with an empty tank of gas is even LESS of a good time! Anyway, what usually happens is that I'll end up stopping in the morning on the way to my POE. And, because I'm a beast in the morning and it takes me 17 hours to get out of bed and get going, I am usually running late. So, my plan is to pull up to the pump, throw my card in, pump my gas, and get the hell out of Dodge.

Sadly, things don't usually go according to plan and at one point two weeks ago in the frigin artic temperatures, I had the most infuriating experience ever, prompting this rant!

On the day I'm referencing, it was about 30 degrees and windy, and of course I didn't have my mittens or gloves out as it was only October (and had probably been in the 60's the day before). I hop out of my sweet ride and notice that I pulled up on the wrong side. (I just got a new vehicle and naturally, after years of conditioning to pull up with the left side facing the pump, I now have to somehow remember it's the RIGHT side.....remember the saying "You Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks"? Well, woof, woof!) So, ok, that's user error and I hop back in and fix the problem. I then get back out and the wind is whipping my face and I'm freezing. I put my card in the machine and suddenly, I feel like I'm in an interrogation room in a jail. The machine begins to display the following questions/commands (all I want to do is fill up my frigin tank!) and I'd love to share them and my inner monologue with you:

1. Please enter zip code....I oblige, and really think it's ridiculous. Will I get a better price or favorable treatment if my zip code one set of numbers rather than another?

2. Please insert your Shaw's Rewards Card...I don't have one with me...I hate Shaw's anyway....and now I'm cold and late....why do I have to have 17 plastic rewards card to get a frigin fair deal anyway?

3. Is this a Debit Card?....Hell no, I'm not giving you fools access to straight cash homie...I'm using my AAA credit card to get the cash back since I'm getting screwed due to step #2.... can I please pump my gas now? My hands are cold.

4. Do you want a car wash?....No, this is a gas pump, I want a tank of gas...although I might need a hot shower for myself once this ordeal is over...Wait, maybe this is my reward for entering my zip code...never mind, it's going to cost $2.99---maybe my zip is a reflection of how much they think I can pay for the wash...did I mention my hands are cold?

I begin pumping the gas about three minutes after it says I can start because the frigin thing is so damn slow...and of course, throughout the mission, there are random hiccups where it clicks and stops pumping.

Someone took this picture of me at the pump during my ordeal....I WISH!

5. Do you want a receipt?...Sure....since I've been here for 10 minutes now, I'll take one....assuming it's going to print out right from the pump anyway...what's 2 more seconds?

6. Please go inside for receipt....Naturally! So then I go inside and stand in line. Another 5 minutes as Nana is in there trying to decide what scratch tickets to select (Hey Lady, how about I give you $5 to get out of my way and we'll call it even...I mean, you're not winning more than that anyway).....

And 15 minutes later, I'm on my way to my POE. Seriously? Why does filling up have to be a clusterf***??

Could be worse...I could be in Iran getting rationed...

Moral of the rant: Running out of gas and waiting on the side of the road for AAA to bring you some is probably easier and takes just about as much time....

-KC Jones

Inspiration Can Come in Many Forms

This is sneakily one of the funniest things I have ever seen on YouTube, probably in my top five, which could be another blog of it's own.  My proposal is this:  KC and I each come up with our top five worst mixtape songs and post them up here.  These won't necessarily be the worst five songs of all time, but if you had to walk or drive around a city bumping them, what would embarrass you the most?

CHALLAAAANGE!



-Big Ran

Ain't No Party Like a Hibachi Party

Boy, 2, Served Sake at Restaurant

By Dave Nethers
Fox 8 News Reporter
8:43 PM EST, November 15, 2011

JACKSON TWP., Ohio

Two-year-old Karl Preusser, Jr. was with his parents and their friends Friday evening, enjoying a night out at the Wasabi Japanese Steakhouse, a hibachi style restaurant where the cook prepares the meal in front of a table of guests.

His mother, Brittany Winter, said during the meal the cook went around the table offering guests a squirt of sake, a Japanese rice wine, from a squirt bottle.

She told police that the first time he jokingly asked their two-year-old if he was legal drinking age, and did not give him any.

Later, she said the cook again offered guests some sake from the squirt bottle.

"He asked K.J. if he was 21and K.J. said yes and opened his mouth because, of course, that's what he sees everybody doing," Winter told Fox 8 News, "and he squirted a mouthful of sake into his mouth."

Winter said the boy immediately started crying and saying his mouth was burning.

Other witnesses said the parents immediately got something else for the boy to drink while the cook started to quickly gather his things to leave.

Winter and the boy's father, Karl Preusser, Sr. left the restaurant and immediately went to see Jackson Twp. Police.

"He's two-years-old, still in diapers. Who would even think about serving him alcohol?" said Preusser, Sr.

Officers went to the restaurant where they were able to confirm the story through other witnesses, one of whom said she had to "do a double take in the direction of the table to make sure it was a child."

In her statement, the witness said, "The cook reached his arm over the grill and squirted sake into the kid's mouth for about three to five seconds."

"It was a little more than a small amount, it was a whole mouthful," said Preusser, Sr.

The cook, identified in a police report as Mingyang Zhu, 26, of Canton, told officers he "attempted to make a movement like he was going to give the child a drink, without pouring any."

He stated when he made the movement, he did, however pour a small amount into the child's mouth.

A manager at the restaurant told Fox 8 News on Tuesday that he had been advised not to comment.

In the police report officers said manager Josh Lin "did advise (the responding officer) that the bottles contain sake," and that "it does contain alcohol."

The police report said "he further stated they sometimes keep smaller bottles with sprite in them for children and that the employees are only supposed to give the non-alcoholic beverages to children."

"He spit it all over his shirt," said Winter, "so he reeked of alcohol when we left."

She told Fox 8 News that the boy was examined at the police department by paramedics and was fine.

The cook was charged with one count of furnishing intoxicating liquor to a minor, a first degree misdemeanor, and was summonsed to appear later this month in Massillon Municipal Court.

"I think this certainly is a strange situation," said Jackson Twp. Police Chief David Zink. "We have never had that, to my knowledge, in the past. Providing alcohol to any child, let alone an infant, is certainly disturbing."


OK, first of all, these parents should be ashamed on several levels.  First, their kid is a bold-faced liar.  The chef asked him if he was 21 and the kid said yes.  On that alone, stop the presses, case closed.  Second of all, they should be ashamed because their kid is a pussy and can't handle his booze.  He spits it up all over his shirt, then cries about his mouth burning?  Child please.  When I was younger than that my Dad gave me beer, which I promptly threw up, but I didn't bitch and moan, I manned up, booted and rallied.  That's how toddlers should roll.

Also for the parents, I can see using this to score a free meal at you local Ohio Hibachi Restaurant, but going to the police?  Really?  This Chinese dude doesn't have enough problems being like one of 17 non-white people in Ohio, that you have to bust his balls about a little shot of sake to their kid's grill?

Dad, you've got tats and a Harley Davidson t-shit.  How about you teach your son how to be a man?

-Big Ran

KC Jones Comments: I wish I could add to this, but it's clearly perfection and possibly one of the best posts ever written by Big Ran---trying to add to it would be like trying enhance the paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel (sp?)....

Big Ran Note:  I think it's the Sixteen Chapel because Leonardo DiCaprio was 16 when he painted it. I think that's right, but now I'm questioning myself.

KC Jones: Well, remember when I said that it was already perfection? That comment really just took it to a new level. I need to start wearing Depends when I read anything from Big Ran.

Tuesday Trivia...

...The Buck $tops Here....

Today's installment of "Tuesday Trivia" deals w/ a question that popped into my head the other day while I was drying my hair. It should be noted that many of my deepest thoughts along with many of my most ridiculous thoughts/questions occur while I'm either in the shower or drying my hair...I don't know why it happens, but I think it might have something to do with the stimulation of my brain as I wash and dry my hair. So, without further adieu, I'd like to ask "The Takeover" world: 'Why are dollar bills also referred to as 'bucks'?

For the answer, we of course turned to the most reliable source in the world...WikiAnswers (which I am assuming is a division of Wikipedia??)

Answer

The word buck - possibly an abbreviation of buckskin or buckarooney, an intrinsic "currency" for trade with American Indians known since 1746 - has been recorded since 1856 and is widely used as a synonym for the dollars of many countries, including Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Hong Kong and the United States and also for rupees in India and Pakistan.

Also, one wonders whether "buck" might not have been derived from "sawbuck" by the logic of "A sawbuck is ten dollars, so one dollar must be just 'a buck'."

Read more

And, on a related but unrelated note, here's some flavor for your Tuesday morning....I think Big Ran would agree with me when I say I miss the days of Bad Boy For Life

-KC Jones

Irrational Rant...Light As A Feather

Sometimes, I think I'm crazy when seemingly little things get me fired up. But then I remember that I'm awesome and I'm fired up because the matter at hand is legitimately ridiculous.

You've got to be kidding me.

 
I'd like to discuss the most ridiculous trend of the past few months; "Feather Extensions" for the hair. Yes, it's just what you're thinking, people (mainly women, or men who wish they were women, or old rock stars and 'no talent ass clowns'---see below), putting extensions that look like bird feathers in their hair. Um, ladies (and gentlemen??)...can you fly? Do you have wings? A beak? Do you head south for the winter or build nests? Right, I figured as much....therefore, you should NOT have feathers anywhere on your person. The people who wear these stupid things think that they are so stylish and awesome---apparently they also cause brain damage. I think the next time I see someone walking around with one I'm going to either make a citizen's arrest OR just rip the damn thing out.

Really? Is this the best we can do? On one hand, the 'perm' can breathe a sigh of relief as it remains the #1 hair disaster of all time...but, on the other hand, I think we've finally found something to dethrone the tackiness of the hair crimping trend from decades back. Imagine the crimp and feather extensions combined onto one person's head?

Here's a good rule of thumb: If either of these two are rocking a certain accessory/trend, you might want to leave it alone....just sayin'

Livin' on the edge...of insanity!

I've got nothin' to say about this....

-KC Jones

Why the F*ck Do People Do This?

So I just saw on facebook that a guy I used to work with changed his profile picture to a family portrait where they were all wearing white shirts on the beach (note: this is not the dude's pic, these are just some randos from the www).  I have a question...WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU EVER HAVE THAT PICTURE TAKEN?  That is seriously the dumbest sh!t I have ever seen.  Terrible.  Awful.  Your kids are going to hate you in a few years and with two adults in the picture, wouldn't one of them have the stones to say, "Yeah, that's a terrible idea and I refuse to be part of it."  My wife would never suggest it and I would never be a part of it, so you have to have two consenting adults, which absolutely blows my mind.

I do want to take a moment to address the above photo, because I would be remiss if I didn't cover all the bases here.

What's the dynamic going on here?  Did Grandma and Grandpa (back row, left and center) want a pic with their kids (I am guessing back row right and front row left), their son's wife, kids, and dog?  Like this is a really weird collection, right?  The dog is the smartest one there because I didn't notice him at first.  You know he was thinking, "Ima get right behind this lady with the khakis and blend in with the sand.  I'm only here because they feed me."  Would the family portrait business go down the tubes if they didn't offer the white shirt/beach combo?  Also, what's up with all the bare foot sh!t?  Nobody wants to see chubs' feet on the front left, that sh!t is gross.

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head Bonus

Stupid music day at The Takeover today.  I had a meeting this morning and someone used the term "can't deny..."  This song instantly popped into my head and I know KC will be fired up.  She loves her some Fabolous.

-Big Ran

 KC Jones' Note: Big Ran knows me too well...I do love me some F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S, so holla back youngin'... and his song "Breathe" is one of my favorites to listen to while I'm running....

Stuck In My Head....

I used to think that getting songs by groups such as Abba, Nickelback, or The Village People stuck in my head was torturous, and then THIS happened:



This has been stuck in my head since Thursday night, when I was watching my friend's 9 month old son. He is mesmerized by Elmo, and if he gets fussy, all you have to do is put this on and all is right in his world. Unfortunately, it has led to me singing it to myself for well over 72 hours now....In the shower, in the car on the way to work, in my cube, at a wedding this weekend....you name it, the song is with me. Can someone help me? I'm afraid that this is never going stop!

Next up? "C is for Cookie"---I'd actually welcome that at this point....


-KC Jones