Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Can We Talk About the 400 Pound Gorilla In the Room?


400-pound gorilla escapes, bites zookeeper at Buffalo Zoo


BUFFALO, New York (Reuters) - A 400-pound adult male gorilla escaped his cage at the Buffalo Zoo on Monday, biting a female zookeeper before being tranquilized and captured in what a SWAT team leader called, "the scariest thing I've ever done."


Zoo officials said Koga, a 24-year-old silverback gorilla, took advantage of an unlocked door in his living quarters on Monday morning and slipped into the space behind it, used by zoo personnel but closed to the public.



A keeper who has cared for Koga since he arrived in 2007 was bitten on her hand and calf, in what officials said was an act of excitement rather than aggression.



"He was probably just as surprised coming face to face with her as she was with him," Buffalo Zoo President Donna Fernandes said.



The keeper, whose name was not released, took refuge inside the habitat of a female gorilla and her newborn baby, Fernandes said. The keeper had a good relationship with the mother who, like Koga, is a West Lowland gorilla, native to West Africa and the Congo River Basin, she said.



Meanwhile, police sent in the SWAT team to secure the area while a veterinarian used a handheld blow pipe to sedate Koga through a porthole.



Visitors to the zoo were moved indoors and stayed there throughout the roughly 45-minute ordeal -- the zoo's first escape, Fernandes said.



"That was the scariest thing I've ever done in my career," said SWAT team captain Mark Maraschiello.



"It's a 400 pound animal that's capable of who knows what. He could rip your arm out of its socket," Maraschiello said.



The sedated gorilla was dragged by zoo staff back to his habitat once the drugs took hold, about 15 minutes after they were administered.



The keeper's decision to lock herself inside the separate habitat likely kept her from being further harmed, according to officials at the zoo. Several locked doors kept Koga from running amok through the zoo and beyond.



Fernandes promised an investigation into how Koga escaped.



"I'm sure it was very dramatic for (the zoo keeper) and for all the keepers. It was pins and needles," she said.



The wounded zookeeper was undergoing an evaluation at a nearby hospital but her injuries were not considered serious.



Koga was born at the Bronx Zoo in New York City and transferred in 1994 to the Memphis Zoo before landing in Buffalo. Fernandes said he has no history of unusual aggression. 

If I was stuck in a Buffalo zoo, you bet your ass I'd do everything in my power to escape too.  Imagine if you were a 400 pound gorilla and you could be in the San Diego Zoo, but you're stuck in Buffalo.  That's like the safety school of zoos.  He had been in the Bronx Zoo, so at least he had sweet nightlife.  Memphis Zoo?  At least that's a party zoo.  Warm weather and slutty sorority gorillas there.  Now he's in the Buffalo Zoo.  28 feet of snow a year and a bunch of female gorillas that just sit around watching the Bills and eating wings.  That sh!t would get old real quick.



-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head



See, I'm telling you, this bro came down with the Kony 2012 fever.  One minute he's coming up with a half hour video to watch on YouTube and become a social activist, next minute he's going Martin Lawrence on all of our asses, you know, except naked.

Listen, it's tough work raking in the money and getting everyone pissed of at Carl Weathers.

Fire it up, Billy!



-Big Ran

Closing Time!

Oprah Winfrey's OWN network is pulling the curtain on "The Rosie Show" after five months on the air.

The show premiered in October to about 500,000 viewers but lost about half that audience within days of its debut.

Recently, it changed the format from taping before a studio audience to a one-on-one interview setting with celebrities such as Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler and former Illinois first lady Patti Blagojevich.

In a statement released by OWN, Winfrey thanked O'Donnell. She called O'Donnell "an incredible partner" who worked to put on the best show "every single day."

O'Donnell also was quoted as saying she loved working with Winfrey and in Chicago and "wished" the show had better ratings.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I despise BOTH Oprah AND Rosie the Riveter. I will, however, say that this news made me smile and not despise O-Dog for about .5 seconds. I am hopeful that no one will ever have to see Rosie's Mr. Potato Head like mug on national television on a regular basis ever again. I also hope that Oprah disappears as well, but for now, I'll be happy with this. 

Please enjoy this collection of "Rancid Rosie Photos" I've compiled to amuse myself on this lazy Tuesday:
Getting this for Big Ran as a mouse pad.
Ever hear the expression, "Death warmed over"? 
So much so say, all so inappropriate....

Something tells me NEITHER team wants to claim her...
Really?

-KC Jones

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Stuck In My Head - March Madness Edition



Double shot for yo minds, yo bodies, and yo souls.  It is day one of the two best days of the year: MARCH MUTHA F*CKIN' MADNESS!!!!!  The second best day is tomorrow.  16 games each day.

I'm not working, I'm getting drunk, hanging with some homies, and just watching non stop hoops.



-Big Ran

No D-Rose? No Problem.



That was actually a little dicey without D-Rose.  I started writing this with about 14 seconds to go and thought I jinxed them.

Every time the Heat lose, an angel gets their wings.

Do the happy dance everybody!

 




















-Big Ran

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Lookin' Good LeBron!


This guy in the FUK LBJ shirt just kills it.  If comedy is all about timing, this guy nailed it.  

If Delonte wasn't balls deep in LeBron's mom, Gloria would be pissed.

Let's go Bulls.  No D-Rose and playing a great game.  Of course it will come down to the fourth quarter, but LeBron will be boarding a plane back to Miami as soon as the third quarter ends.

-Big Ran

PS:  Is that Zuckerberg in the bottom left corner?  The Wiklevoss twins must be sitting up in the nosebleeds.

Have a Heart

First, Jeff Green was lost for the Celtics when he had to have surgery to repair an aortic aneurysm.  Then, today it was announced that Chris Wilcox, a Celtics forward will be done for the season after it was found he needs surgery for an enlarged aorta.


These are both Danny Ainge guys.  He picked up Green in the Kendrick Perkins deal with the Thunder last season that just put a dagger in any chances the Cs had at a title (which were admittedly slim) and Wilcox was a free agent pick up who was paid way too much money based on past health.  Both can certainly contribute; at least that was the hope, especially for Green, who was pretty terrible after the trade last year, but was seen as a major building block post-big three.  

My questions is this:  if you are a free agent after this season and Danny Ainge gives you a call (the Cs will have a ton of free cap space unless they deal expiring contracts before tomorrow's NBA trade deadline), how fast do you hang up?  If I saw Danny Ainge pop up on my caller ID, I would toss my phone right out the window of a moving car, or into the ocean.  I'll keep my aortas, thank you very much.


To end on a positive note, with Jeff Green sidelined, I have noticed  that the man is an amazing dresser.  He just has style for days.  Maybe he could hook Danny up with some advice.



-Big Ran

How Pissed Is Mike D'Antoni?


OK, so Mike D'Antoni will never be confused with Red Auerbach.  He's supposed to be an offensive genius, but couldn't make it work with Stoudemire, Melo, and Linsanity.  With that said, Stoudemire left his knees and corneas in Phoenix and Melo is a f*cking diva and a coach killer.  Fact: the Knicks were 8 - 1 without Melo this year (I think that's right, I don't know if it's a fact).

So, while D'Antoni probably should have been canned earlier, I give him credit for telling the Knicks and Melo to go screw.  However, tonight, the Knicks go out and drop 121 points on the Blazers, winning by 42 points.  That must just f*cking suck.

I have left a few jobs and while I wish them the best, I want them to miss me desperately.  Isn't that what anyone wants?  You don't want a place to get better after you leave.

I can totally picture D'Antoni just absolutely hammered, by himself, contemplating what went wrong in his life.  I have an idea, he chose to coach the Knicks instead of the Bulls.  On the plus side, if they ever film Top Gun 2 and Tom Skerritt is busy, Mike's agent better get on the horn.


-Big Ran

PS: I could also picture D'Antoni just staggering into a bar somewhere in the city and just getting into non-nonsensical arguments with Knicks fans.

Stuck In My Head/Blake for President....

As an NBA Player, you know you've arrived when you are referenced in a rap song. So, just imagine how much more it means when the song's TITLE is your name AND you are referenced constantly throughout the song.

This song is absolutely amazing....I've never heard a song that includes references to both "Family Guy" AND "Blake Griffin". There is absolutely no connection between the two, but that's what makes this my new favorite jam. I only hope I have room on my IPod to add this song to one of my running playlists! I'm not even sure I'll be able to sleep tonight with this song on replay in my head.

I wonder what Blake thinks of this? I wonder if he even KNOWS about it.....if so, I bet he was pretty psyched...and I bet some of his teammates were pretty jealous...

How awesome would it be to actually BE Blake Griffin? Just sayin'......


-KC Jones

Irrational Rant...Ride Wit' Me....

Just a brief rant, as Big Ran and I have decided to let loose this week in anticipation of St. Patrick's Day:

Exercise sucks, the gym sucks, and being the laziest person in the world, I'm amazed that I am able to maintain a solid and consistent workout routine. However, I was particularly amazed the other day when I noticed that some of the stationary bikes are designed to be kind of like video games. This infuriated me as I felt like the designers of these machines think the average person is dumb enough to truly believe that riding a stationary bike could ever be fun! I stared at the bikes as I was on the treadmill and noticed the following messages scroll across the screen:


"Ride With Your Friends"- Um, anyone old enough to use the gym knows that their friends are not inside the bike waiting to pop onto the screen and ride with them. And, when I'm with my friends, good times typically don't include leisurely bike rides. (Unless of course you were involved with the making of Queen's "Bicycle Ride" video---honestly, WTF? I almost lost focus on the true point of this post after getting sidetracked by this mess!)




"Catch the Ghost" - Is it Halloween? Why would I be in hot pursuit of a ghost? If the developers of this game changed it to having the ghost chase ME, and, more importantly, if said ghost was real, it would probably help me to pedal faster. Again, I'm way too smart for that. Fail.

"Catch the Red Dragon" -Angry dragon, what? I'm a grown ass adult, first off, I know there are no such thing as dragons. Secondly, if there really WERE dragons, why would I be CHASING something that breathes fire and could kill me?  Finally, it's not even Chinese New Year, so I don't know why they are trying to involve dragons in this mess in the first place.

What I also enjoy is that there are points involved. If you 'catch' the dragon, you can get 500 points. They are redeemable for nothing and unless you have really low self-esteem, I can't imagine how catching the virtual dragon will make you feel a sense of accomplishment at all. I, however, cannot speak from personal experience because I have never tried and never, ever will.

That is all.


-KC Jones