'Tis the moooooooost awkward time of the year!
This is the week everyone! The week for office Christmas parties! Woo hoo! Crappy baked goods? Check. Awkward conversation? Check. Weirdos in your office getting up on their high horse about organizing a party 99% of people would rather skip and just go home early? Check.
Office Christmas Parties are honestly the bane of my existence. I am referring specifically to the super-awkward ones you will have within your department. There is always the person who takes it upon themselves to organize it and takes themselves way to seriously. Doling out instructions and orders and feeling very important because they are most likely the dumbest and least influential person in your department. That's who organizes ours. Every year I request that day off and every year I get rejected because we all need to be there for the party. Look, I know I am charming and handsome, but I think you'll be able to do without the guy making sarcastic remarks throughout the entire party.
The last four years at my current P.O.E. we have had a Yankee Swap, which honestly frustrates me more than probably anything on the planet. I think it has always been about a $20 limit and I would always take time to think about an sweet gift. My first year at this job I wasn't sure how people rolled, so I got a $20 gift card to Best Buy. I thought that was pretty good because it would be easy to re-gift, or go buy yourself a movie or some music. Nope, people were literally talking sh!t about it while passing it around. F*CK YOU.
So, the second year I got something more tangible, a pretty sweet office desk/pen holder/frame thing that would be good for the office. Nope, apparently that sucked too.
In year three I knew we had a ton of germ-o-phobes in the office so I got a no-touch soap or hand sanitizing dispenser. That was actually a big hit and I tried to take it back before someone else eventually sniped it.
However, not all people take any time to think about the gift, put in any effort, or spend any actual money. Here's a piece of advice: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO PARTICIPATE, DON'T. JUST STAND ON THE SIDELINES RATHER THAN GOING THROUGH YOUR BASEMENT OR DESK THE MORNING OF THE PARTY.
My first year I got a clearly re-gifted set of "Irish Coffee Mugs." When I got home and showed my wife she said, "Put them right in the recycle bin." I only regret not selling the copper like a meth addict. This is exactly what they looked like:
My second year I received, again clearly re-gifted, partridge in a pear tree ornaments. When I got home, my wife told me to put them right in the trash.
For my third year I ended up with a Christmas mug with sugar cookie mix. For real.
So, last year I decided to stick it to the man, went to Big Lots and got was later affectionately deemed the "1980s Single Lady Night In Gift Set." It contained one package of microwave popcorn, Flipz, a bottle of three buck chuck from Trader Joe's, and season four of MacGyver on DVD. My friend ended up with it, so I took the gift from her at the end. I just wanted to prove a point.
This year, I finally succeeded in getting rid of the Yankee Swap and a bunch of us worked with an organization to buy Christmas Gifts for kids in a couple of families in the Boston area. However, the nutbags that run our party not only didn't get in on that, but held their own Secret Santa AND are forcing us to decorate Gingerbread Houses during the party. The best part? People aren't allowed to bring their kids. So, you are having adults decorate gingerbread houses, but kids can't come. F*cking bizarro world.
I will be constructing the most offensive gingerbread structure possible, I give you my word. I was thinking either the Gingerbread Playboy Grotto or a Gingerbread Abortion Clinic (too much?). Not sure which one yet.
-Big Ran
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