Irrational Rant...F*cking Brita

Not this Britta

I'm not talking about intercoursing Britta from "Community."  I'm talking about those God Damned water filtering pitchers.

This is what I'm talking about

Our town can't get their sh*t together regarding tap water and send out quarterly notices about some cancer-causing chemical that they can't get below acceptable levels, so we have to filter all water used for drinking or cooking.  The water filter in our fridge spits out water at about an once a minute, so that isn't so helpful.  of course I bought a house water filter like two years ago, but do you think I've installed that thing yet?  Of course not, I'm that lazy.

So, this fall, rather than buying like six gallons of bottled water a week, my wife bought a Brita Pitcher to filter the tap water and keep in the fridge.  This way, we can go a bit greener and save some money.  Well, guess what?  Britas have been around for what, like 15 years (I just looked online and Clorox bought North American rights to Brita Filters in 1988)?  All I remember is how these were the hotness when I went to college.  Every dorm room had like three of them that were either bone dry and empty, or over-filled to the point where the filter was floating somewhere in the top compartment (everyone knows what I'm talking about).  We instituted the "Brita Rule" in our freshman year room.  If you poured water and what was left over fell below the Brita logo on the pitcher, you had to fill it.

Sorry for the tangent, but I hadn't had a Brita since college and they still have all the same frustrating problems.  Clorox has been working on these things for 24 years and they still can't get it right?  Are you kidding me?

The top NEVER fits on correctly, so when you try to pour it it will fall off, spilling water everywhere.  Also, what the f*ck is up with the carbon bits that always float around?  In the instructions they always say this is normal for the first couple pitchers.  Why should this be normal?  We have hybrid cars, we have arthroscopic surgery.  Why can't they keep their God Damned carbon bits inside their God Damned filters?

This lady looks like this cigar/water filter is working out pretty well.  Brita, hook it up with some filter straws sans carbon bits.  Granted, she's probably immune to dysentery and typhoid at this point, but that is neither here nor there.  Or it may be, I just like saying "neither here nor there."  How often do you get to use the word "nor?"  Not often enough for my liking. 

Anyway, I guess my point is that after 23 or 24 years, Britas shouldn't be as frustrating as they are.  Plus, I kind of just want to be able to chill, wear a do-rag, and drink water out of a dirty river.

-Big Ran