Irrational Rant...Line Creepers

This rant was inspired by the broad behind me in line this afternoon, when I was buying my lunch.  This has absolutely happened more than once, but I'll focus on today's events.

We have a cafe/cafeteria at work and I often head over there to grab something to eat before bringing it back to my office to have lunch with my peeps.  I like to beat the crowd and get there right at or before noon, but today I was working on something (probably the blog) and couldn't get there until 12:30 and it was packed.  Surprisingly the line wasn't too long, but I grabbed a pre-made sandwich and jumped into line.  First, this woman walked into line right in front of me, but I could tell she was just clueless and she eventually got out of line and back in behind me. So as people check out and move up, every time the line budges, her styrofoam plate hits my left elbow because apparently, every time the line moves one inch, she has to move at least two. Now, thankfully, I was in a pretty good mood; its a nice day, its Thursday, so I will let it slide.  However, on her end, why would you want your plate of food touching a stranger's arm.  I sure as hell wouldn't want someone's nasty elbow in my soup.

My favorite line creeper story was from my friend Erin a few years back.  She was at a supermarket and in line with her cart.  The woman behind her kept moving up and hitting Erin in the back with her cart.  So, the first time, Erin turns around and just gives her a look.  The second time, she turns around and says, "Excuse me, could you be more careful with your cart?"  The third time, she turns around and kicks the front of the cart so it pushes the woman back and says, "You wanna see what happens if you hit me a fourth time?"  Awesome.  That's how you ride on a line creeper.  Erin is a gansta.

On another note, I also had a couple of business casual bros that were separated by me and the line creeper trying to have a conversation in line around us.  I f-ing hate that too.  Don't have a public conversation with non-related parties between you, then look at me like I'm eavesdropping.  Trust me, you are not nearly important or entertaining enough for me to want to listen to, in fact, I would love it if you would just STFU until I am gone.

-Big Ran

PS:  Obligatory Ice Cube quote:  "Why the f*ck we goin' in when there's b!tches in line?"

KC Jones note: I couldn't have said it better myself Big Ran. HOLLLAAA!!!

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

Inspired by Big Ran's post, I would like to present Courtney Love and Lady Gaga as 'twiny twin twins':

Dude looks like a lady! (Ironic caption, as you'll later realize)

This mess IS a lady...

So many similarities--
1. Both bleached blondes with nice teeth
2. Both are capable of looking either really good or really gross.
3. Both enjoy walking around in interesting outfits (and sometimes barely anything at all).
4. Many times, they appear to be under the influence of something other than just creative juices.
5. Both smoke cigarettes.
6. Both are singers.
7. They each have had their share of controversy, but are no doubt very talented.....

Both enjoy getting made up!

Courtney looking like a classy lady!

Pretty "Lady"!

I'd also like to present a couple of other people Courtney might be related to. Please note that these two were NOT original ideas, I stumbled upon them while trying to prove out my theory above:

And, finally:

-KC Jones

Headlines of the Year!

One day, two headlines that jump right off the page.  However, can we please get some more pictures?  I mean pictures are worth a thousand words and in these cases, they may be worth more.

The first, from Chicago (pic from the NY Daily News and the first story I saw was from Channel 10 in Tampa (emphasis is mine):

Big-breasted Woman at Chicago Trial Spurs Objection

Daddy like!

A Chicago lawyer says his opponent in a small claims case is using an unfair tactic by 

sitting a buxom woman next to him at counsel's table.

Attorney Thomas Gooch says the woman's sole purpose "is to draw the attention of the jury 

away from the relevant proceedings" -- a dispute over a used car. He asks Cook County 

Circuit Judge Anita Rivkin-Carothers to order the woman to sit in the gallery with other 

spectators.

In responding to the pretrial motion, attorney Dmitry N. Feofanov said the woman is his 

paralegal assistant and contends Gooch cites no "good faith legal argument" why she can't 

sit at counsel's table. Feofanov, who in the past has described himself as a "consumer 

protection lawyer," asked Rivkin-Carothers to impose sanctions on Gooch for his motion.

Gooch told the Chicago Daily Law Bulletin he wasn't objecting to the woman because she is 

buxom, but because he doesn't think she is a paralegal.

"Personally, I like large breasts," he said. "However, I object to somebody I don't think is 

a qualified paralegal sitting at the counsel table -- when there's already two lawyers there -- 

dressed in such a fashion  as to call attention to herself."

Gooch said he and Feofanov have faced off in mandatory arbitration. At the time, he objected 

to the woman sitting at the counsel table and arbitrators asked her to leave, he said.

Feofanov said he "didn't believe it is professional to try a case in the press." However, he 

turned over public documents on the case to the Daily Law Bulletin.

According to Feofanov, the paralegal, who the Law Bulletin says is identified in documents as 

Daniella Atencia, has been paid as a paralegal in two court orders by Cook County judges. 

Both times, the rate for the paralegal was $115 an hour.

For Headline #2 I will work on some pics like I did for the last story, true journalism from The Takeover 

today:

Man says pants, car missing after 'liaison' with big-thighed woman in Fort Pierce

TC Palm - The tale of "misfortune" began with a trip to Fort Pierce and a woman with "real big thighs."

Mixed in the plot were an hourly "lodging establishment" and gin drinks. In the end, a 24-year-old man told police his silver trousers, borrowed rental car, cash and other items went missing.

That, according to statements in a recently released police report, is what played out about a week ago in the Sunrise City.

A 30-year-old man told Fort Pierce police he lent his rented Dodge Avenger May 19 to his 24-year-old friend, who he said "encountered some misfortune" and the car was stolen.

The friend, a Vero Beach resident, said he borrowed the vehicle about 5 p.m. and drove to Fort Pierce to meet a "female acquaintance." When he arrived, the woman he was supposed to meet didn't answer the phone.

Seeking "female companionship," the man drove to a park at North 13th Street and Avenue M where he saw females "'hanging out.'"

He spied a woman in her early to mid 20s with "real big thighs" and a light complexion. They ended up in the Dodge, and the man said they "talked for about an hour before he 'talked her out of her pants.'"

They drove to a "lodging establishment" that rents rooms by the hour, and he gave the woman with "real big thighs" $30 for a room.

Both imbibed several drinks containing gin, which is created by distilling rye or other grains with juniper berries and which some mix with tonic or use in making martinis.

The man got intoxicated and they engaged in a "liaison," the nature of which was not detailed in the report, before falling asleep.

When he woke, the woman with "real big thighs" was missing, as were his rental car keys, silver trousers, gold bracelet, watch, $282 in cash and the Dodge Avenger.

The man said he didn't give the woman with "real big thighs" permission to take the vehicle or anything else.

The man's silver pants, valued at about $50, were size 36, and the report didn't indicate whether they'd fit a woman with "real big thighs."

-Big Ran

Is This Person Good Looking?

A question as old as time itself, or maybe like 2 years:  Is Lady Gaga good looking?  Honestly, I have no idea what to make of her.  Ever since the dong fiasco last year, I am always in serious doubt.  Anyway, I always have serious respect for actors and musicians that do an SNL Digital Short (this will require a separate post itself), so let's gather some info.

From Wikipedia (which according to a YouTube video I watched is as accurate as Encyclopedia Britannica, so I think we know it's a lock):


Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (born March 28, 1986), better known by her stage name Lady Gaga, is an American pop singer-songwriter. After performing in the rock music scene of New York City's Lower East Side in 2003 and later enrolling at New York University's Tisch School of the Arts, she soon signed with Streamline Records, an imprint of Interscope Records. During her early time at Interscope, she worked as a songwriter for fellow label artists and captured the attention of recording artist Akon, who recognized her vocal abilities, and signed her to his own label, Kon Live Distribution.


So, I am going to go with she is 100% woman and leave it at that (also note the Akon/SNL connection).


The good...

As you can see, I am digging her as a brunette.

The not so good...

Aye carumba!

Welcome to Bizarro Sesame Street

Looking online is really a hit or miss, as many good as bad depending on your taste or tolerance for the outlandish (read: meat dresses).  Now here's where I get back to my SNL Digital Short reference: she was on the past Saturday as the musical guest with Justin Timberlake hosting and in the short she looked friggin' AWESOME.  A little Jersey Shorish, but awesome.

This turned it around for me, but I'm still not ready to commit.  What do you think?

-Big Ran

PS:  Great SNL Short.  Gaga comes in around the 1:25 mark, but it is definitely worth watching the whole thing.

PPS: KC Jones says, Big Ran, if by "friggin awesome" you mean 'rode hard and put away wet', I feel you. I'm sorry, but in this still above, Gaga is bearing a striking resemblance to everyone's favorite trainwreck, Amy Winehouse (obviously with different haircolors). For your reference:

*Big Ran Note:  I LOVE the term "ridden hard and put away wet."  I have used that at work and nobody knew what I was talking about, so KC gets points for that.  Have you seen Winehouse lately?  No dice on that one anymore.

*KC Jones Note: Is Winehouse in Rehab yet??? By the way, I completely agree....I'm digging GaGa as a brunette as well. The first picture is smokin'.....

Wet 'N Wild

This pretty much made my day when I heard about it. Seriously? What is WRONG with people? Could you even imagine being a witness to something like this? I wouldn't know whether to laugh or call for help (obviously once the punch was thrown I'd know exactly what to do, but the shenanigans leading up to it are remarkable!)

Couple of questions:

1. Is anyone else impressed by this dude's ability to retrieve the watermelon from the ocean? I would think that it would have quickly been pulled out to a watery grave. Maybe this guy's the real life "Aquaman"...

2. Why did he leave it alone after he 'saved' it? Obviously he and the watermelon share a special bond if he went in to rescue it in the first place. 

3. What does one do with a rotting watermelon anyways?

4. How awesome is this woman for doing this TWICE?

5. Would he have been charged with assault had the punch in the face not happened?

6. Has anyone else in the world ever used a 'swim noodle' as a weapon?

Woman attacked with wet swim noodle: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Woman attacked with wet swim noodle

(Fox 25/MyFoxBoston.com) - A Florida man, apparently angry over a watermelon, is accused of attacking a woman with a swim noodle.

According to Naples police, a woman on the beach noticed a carved, rotting watermelon and threw it in the ocean so it wouldn't attract bugs.

That’s when Karl Ludwig Eichner retrieved the fruit.

But when the woman put it back in the ocean, he allegedly dumped the noodle full of water over her and punched her in the face.

Eichner was arrested for assault.

Read more: http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/crime_files/crime_watch/woman-attacked-with-wet-swim-noodle-20110525#ixzz1NT6Mfn53

-KC Jones

Why Am I Just Seeing This Now?

This is awesome.  Best acting by an athlete ever and he didn't even say anything.  When you see this you really understand how he totally sold the wheelchair routine in the '08 Finals.  Bravo!  Bravo!

In all honesty, I had not seen this before and I can't believe they don't play it non-stop during the playoffs.  The only tough part is that I get more and more disappointed that the Cs were knocked out by the Miami Ass Hats.  Is there any doubt that the Bulls need to activate Scalabrine and have him put LeEgo on lockdown?

LeEgo's worst nightmare

-Big Ran

PS:  Can I touch you?

Nothing I Say Can Top This Photo

In honor of the Mavs winning the Western Conference Championship, we'll bust out this classic photo.  Substitute J-Kidd, Tyson Chandler, and Shawn Marion, and I can see this being last night's celebration.

Remember the love triangle between J-Kidd, Jimmy Jackson, and Toni Braxton.  I always forget about that before realizing that J-Kidd had to return to the scene of that crime when he was traded to Dallas.

Comcast - The Dallas Mavericks were a young franchise on the rise during the mid '90s. That is until Toni Braxton entered the equation. That’s right, while the Bulls were running the Triangle Offense, Jason Kidd, Jim Jackson, and singer Toni Braxton were rumored to be involved in a love triangle. Supposedly Braxton went to the Mavs' hotel to pick Kidd up for a date, only to leave with his teammate. 


The Mavs were actually on their way to being an exciting team back in the mid-90s, then Jamal Mashburn blew out his knee and Toni Braxton had to come between (no pun intended) teammates and force the Mavs to trade Jackson.  Sad times in the Big D.  So we can all rejoice that the tide turned when Mark Cuban bought the team.


-Big Ran

KC Jones had not idea about this rumored love triangle. I wonder if these guys were glued to their televisions during T-Brax's "Dancing With The Stars" stint.....wow....amazing, you learn something new every day!

So Pumped for the Summer Blockbusters!

Looks good, huh?  In the traditions of James Bond, Jurassic Park, and other movies I can't remember that are huge hits for the summer, we have "The Smurfs."  Now, I don't have kids, but I know when I was a kid, I hated the Smurfs, so I don't think this is on my must see list.

I have a feeling KC will disagree and may actually camp out the night before to make sure she gets a ticket.

-Big Ran  

KC Jones says: Big Ran, you are CORRECT sir, when I saw that there was going to be a Smurfs movie I have to admit, I said "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"....How can you NOT like the Smurfs? Are you communist? And, seriously, like Smurfette isn't one of the best looking cartoon females out there!

"O" No!

I was thinking about it last night and I think there was just a huge misunderstanding in regards to "The Rapture". Harold Camping must have meant today, May 25,2011 because doesn't the end of "Oprah" translate to the end of the world? I know for many people, it does...Seriously. There are people who have watched this show religiously for 25 years--and many of those years were before DVR! Anyway, the final episode was taped at the United Center in Chicago as it was the only venue large enough to fit her entire ego.


No worries though, her world takeover will continue as she has already started her own television network. So, for now, all you Oprah fans out there just sit tight.  I have a feeling this sabbatical won't last long.

P.S. My prediction: an "Obama/Winfrey"...oops I mean, "Winfrey/Obama" ticket in 2012!

The answer to: What if Oprah was one of us?

Proof that money can buy happiness...

-KC Jones

*Big Ran Note:  I have a co-worker that does an awesome Oprah impression.  I wish she would use that voice all the time, especially because she is like 5 feet tall and white.

Is This Person Good Looking?

To continue on with Big Ran's "Is This Person Good Looking?" section, I'd like to present this person for your consideration (as I anxiously await Big Ran's commentary):

Hilary Swank, looking like an attractive woman

Hilary Swank, looking like Justin Bieber

If you're going to judge based on the first picture, the answer is very clear: she's attractive. However, because she frequently pops up looking similar to the second picture,  I'm inclined to say she's not attractive at all.  I feel like there are two faces on her body and in some lights, you see a sophisticated beauty and in others, you see what resembles a young boy or an evil critter. If you remember, there was a "Seinfeld" episode with a similar premise. It probably doesn't help that she played a trans-gender teen, (a boy who discovers they are biologically a female) very well in Boys Don't Cry. However, even without that, I'm still conflicted.

In Boys Don't Cry- scary, isn't it?

She's very angular, bony, and from certain angles, just appears harsh. I think that for her, the most important accessory is her hair. In the pictures with mid-length/longer hairstyle, her angles are softer and more feminine.  Short is just too severe with her features! Very few women can have short hair, so this isn't an insult. I certainly couldn't, I've just been fortunate enough to have people in my life who wouldn't even let me try it! And it's absolutely crucial that she wear some sort of makeup. She doesn't need to pile it on like the trash found at the Jersey Shore, but a little lip gloss and a soft blush never hurt anyone.On a positive note, she's got a great body and great skin--she definitely takes care of herself. There are just certain changes that need to happen so her gender isn't questioned anymore!

Swear to God, this is him, oops, I mean, her....

Pretty again! See? The right hair length makes all the difference for her!

One final note: I'm not trying to be mean here, because trust me, I'm no prize. I could easily be put in this section with the final verdict being unattractive. However, fortunately for me, this is "The Takeover" and I'm one of the authors and I'm not in the public eye. I can say these things and avoid having bad pictures of myself posted all over gossip mags and the Internet.

-KC Jones

*Big Ran Note:  This is a great case for "Is This Person Good Looking?"  Personally, I say no, she is not good looking.  Too mannish for me.  Now, I will grant you that in the first and last pictures she looks great.  However, if it takes an army of people to make you look that way, are you really good looking.  If I wake up next to that third, or even worse, fourth picture, I don't know what I do with the rest of my life, because it would never be the same.