Wednesday, June 1, 2011

No Rapture Last Week, But Proof There is a God


SHAQ
2 minutes ago via Tout.comFavorite Retweet Reply
Boston.com - Celtics center Shaquille O'Neal announced on his Twitter feed minutes ago that he is retiring from the NBA.
"We did it," said O'Neal. "Nineteen years, baby. I want to thank you very much. That's why I'm telling you first, I'm about to retire. Love ya. Talk to you soon."
Listen, I actually like Shaq a lot and I was OK with the signing last year by the Celts.  Obviously it didn't work out on the court so much since he played 5 minutes after February 1st and his presence was one reason for the Perk trade.
On the plus side, he got to pretend he was a statue in Barbara Square (How he originally tweeted it):


He participated in the pine wood derby contest with some Boy Scouts:


And, just before the playoffs, he rehabbed hard with the help of his wife, Hoopz:

So, Shaq, Godspeed, best of luck becoming a full time volunteer sheriff, and thank you for the chance the Cs have to sign another over-the-hill big man for next season.

-Big Ran

I Want an Electronic Cigarette So Bad!



I know you are supposed to use an adverb there (Badly), but doesn't it sound better the way it is?  I think so.  Anyway, I don't smoke, never have other than smoking once in a bar when I was 19 back when you could smoke in bars and I had a fake ID.  Later that night I managed to throw up in my friend's back yard and sleep in the back seat of my car for no real reason other than man did that butt F me up.  So, I have no desire to smoke for real, but wouldn't one of those electronic cigarettes be sweet?  You could have all the benefits of smoking (looking AWESOME) without second hand smoke, stinking, and cancer.

Let me tell you, I would drag on this thing ALL THE TIME.  I would especially do it at work just to freak people out.  Imagine people walking into a conference room for a meeting and you are in there first puffing away with your feet up on the conference table?  How great would it be to see the looks on people's faces?  I'll tell you, it would be AMAZING.  As it is, when I go out with buddies (back when we actually could go out anyway) all we typically do is talk to random people and/or act super hammered for our own enjoyment.  I would love to puff on this bad boy and talk to smokers outside and complain about the no smoking laws, taxes on butts, that would be great.

A while ago they would always run ads that you could get a free one if you CALL NOW!  My wife never let me call and that's too bad because I know she would takes hauls off of a fake cigarette too.  So, if anyone wants to know what to get me for a present, now you know; an electronic cigarette.

Plus, how can it be bad if Danny Bonaduce and Jose Canseco endorse it?


-Big Ran

PS:  Without spell check, I would have spelled cigarette 14 different ways in this post.

The Bumpin' Bruins Playlist

Foreigner - Cold As Ice



This will be a good one to prime the pump a little bit, just get it going as you head into the game or drive home from work.  Plus, anytime you can post a video as bad as this, you have to do it.  I mean, I think they blew a real opportunity to have a horribly cheesy video.


Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby



Sorry for the ad, but its obviously worth it.  This is like the perfect storm of music videos.  It took the perfect artist, with the perfect song, the perfect time period, and a perfect video to come together all at once and it happened.  From the florescent colors to the perfect 90s Miami sweatshirt and tuxes, to the dance moves, the director really nailed it.  The only questionable part is the strange dance move around 2:25 when all the dudes are grabbing each other's hips.  Not sure about that one.

As a side note, is everyone aware that Vanilla Ice, aka Robert Matthew Van Winkle (for real) is now on the DIY Network in a show called "The Vanilla Ice Project," where he renovates houses in Palm Beach?  I haven't seen it, but my wife said that he is probably the most normal person on the network.

Britney Spears - Break the Ice



Is Brit a hot mess?  Absolutely.  Do I have any idea what this song or video is about?  No.  However, you have to hand it to Brit and her producers, the beats are tight.  This will get it going a little bit too.

Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day




Hockey is played on ice, Ice cube - see the connection?  Plus this song is just awesome.

I think I just lost my ability to be funny.  If I ever actually had it.

Zombie Nation - Kernkraft 400



This is the joint they play after the Bruins score at home.  I know they open in Vancouver, but whatever.  Like I said, I think my brain shut off half way through this list.

Ugh.  I'll try again later.  I hate when the job I get paid to do gets in the way of screwing off.

-Big Ran

PS:  D- for this one.

Humpday Holla-back


In honor of the Bruins taking on the Canucks in game one of the Stanley Cup Finals tonight, we thought we would bring you a Humpday Holla-back from 1990, the last time the Bs were in the finals.  You know what 1990 means?  That's right.  Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em!



-Big Ran

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Many Styles of Dirk Nowitzki

I rocked this look when I was like 13 or 14.

Clearly done in the locker room.  No barber would let him look like this.

Olivia Newton John would be proud.

Nice pleats, bro.

Crazy thing is that he is standing still here.

Drunk bros.

How psyched is chubbs here?  Right up on facebook.

Clearly his fashion inspiration.


Blue Steel, for softer, catalog work.
-Big Ran



Let's Go Mavs!

As you already know, Game #1 of the NBA Finals is tonight in Miami. And you already know that Big Ran and I will be cheering for the Dallas Mavericks. As they gear up to face The Three Stooges, here's the playlist I imagine Dirk and the boys might be listening to since they've arrived in America's Wang:

1. "Welcome to Miami"-Will Smith



2. "The Heat is On"- (Glenn Frye)- And they'll be shutting if off, starting tonight!


3. "Glamour Boys"-Living Colour- clearly mocking Bron Bron and D-Bag




4. "Wild Wild West"-The Escape Club-Getting back to their roots in Texas. Plenty of songs out there about Miami, but sometimes the West needs airtime as well!


5. "Crybaby"-Mariah Carey-because we know what's going to happen as soon as a foul is called against the Heat. Look familiar?


6. "Jet Airliner"-Steve Miller Band- Just to get Jason "The Jet" Terry pumped up! (Like he needs our help with his lucky tattoo!)


7. "We Made It"-Linkin Park ft. Busta Rhymes-Yes they did! Much to the dismay of the Lakers and others in the League!


8. "Winner"-Justin Timberlake and Jamie Foxx- This one is especially for Dirk!


9. "Been Caught Stealin'"-Jane's Addiction- This song is appropriate for a couple of reasons. First, we'll be catching the Mavs stealing the ball a lot, and secondly, when they win it all, people will definitely be saying the Mavs "stole" the series from the Heat.


10. "Mama Said Knock You Out"-LL Cool J- Don't call it a comeback, they've been here for years!


There are plenty of other songs as well, we obviously haven't even touched on David Hasselhoff's appearances in the playlist, but this is just a sampling!! Let's go Mavs!!

-KC Jones

10 Musicians that Served in the Military

I wish I saw this yesterday, but just found it on Paste Magazine Online and it is really interesting.  Lots of names you would never expect:


Today, as people run their hands across the engraved marble of our nation’s war memorials, they might be surprised to know that despite the pain associated with the great loss attached to this day, a few of the world’s most famous musicians figured out their destiny sitting in military barracks.
Below, is a list of veterans that may surprise you. These musicians crawled in the mud with the best of em’ before turning their swords into axes—and other assorted musical instruments.
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10. MC Hammer
It’s doubtful this ’80s star was singing “Can’t Touch This,” during basic training. After a failed tryout with the San Francisco Giants, the would-be second basemen considered selling drugs, but joined the Navy instead, according to Ebony. Hammer was a Petty Officer Third Class Aviation Store Keeper in Mountain View, Calif.
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9. Shaggy
Prior to the time he spent denying various infidelities with his reggae hit “It wasn’t Me,” Shaggy served as a Marine during the Gulf War. Military.com said that the experience gave him the push he needed to devote himself more fully to his music.
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8.Mystikal
Sometime before the rapper was encouraging the ladies to “Shake It Fast” he served in Desert Storm. He told MTV,
“Over there eight months. Crazy. I was totally baffled, like, “Why am I here?” I knew why I joined the Army; I was trying to get a little money, get a little card, do a little adventure. “ “Be all that you can be—Man, it was crazy. But if I had to do it again, I couldn’t change it, ’cause it definitely made me what I am.”
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7.Maynard James Keenan of Tool and A Perfect Circle
According to MTVNews, Keenan served in the Army during the early ’80s where he picked up the Maynard moniker before attending Kendall College of Art and Design in Grand Rapids and starting a little band called Tool.
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6.Ice-T
Before his politically fueled rap group or his time fighting crime on NBC’s Law & Order spinoff, Special Victims Unit, Ice-T spent some time as an Army Ranger. He told NPR, “Well, I went to Crenshaw High School.” “After that, I went into the Army. I did four years in the military. And when I came out of the military, I got right into trouble. “
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5.John Coltrane
Jazz genius, John Coltrane was a Navy man. In 1945 Coltrane entered the Navy as a volunteer apprentice seaman and a year later made his first recording with a Navy band called the Melody Masters.
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4.Jerry Garcia
A young troublemaker, The Grateful Dead leader joined the Army with a nonchalant attitude, going AWOL several times. Garcia told Rollingstone, “Yeah, 17. I joined the Army, smuggled my guitar in.”
3.Jimi Hendrix
A very unenthusiastic participant; Jimi Hendrix was forced to spend a very short time in the armed forces. The Smoking Gun obtained Hendrix’s Army file from the National Personnel Records Center in St. Louis. The file contained comments from his sergeant Louis Hoekstra, who said Jimi’s off-duty guitar playing hindered his ability to be a soldier. “This is one of his faults, because his mind apparently cannot function while performing duties and thinking about his guitar,” Hoekstra said.
2.Johnny Cash
The sultan of country music enlisted in the Air Force during the Korean war, where he found his first guitar during his tour of duty in Germany. When his term was over he sold appliances door to door while he tried to make it big in the music biz.
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1.Elvis Presley
The King of The American Dream served in the Army for two years in the late ’50s. Elvis was at the height of his success when he took a break from stardom to join the ranks, and it’s said that when offered, Presley declined any special treatment during his time in the military. In 1960, Elvis was given his Sergeant stripes and honorably discharged soon after. “[Elvis] pulled his weight,” said his platoon leader, William J. Taylor. “He used his head and did his job well. He was one of us. He cared about us. And he got back the respect and friendship he gave everyone else. In several instances, I saw sparks of leadership in Elvis that made me think he could have induced men to follow him into combat, just as his music caused millions of young people to follow him.”
*Update on Mystikal:  We all know he ran into some legal issues, but Wikipedia has all the news:
On June 26, 2003, Michael "Mystikal" Tyler pleaded guilty to sexual battery and extortion. On January 15, 2004, Tyler was sentenced to 6 years in prison after pleading guilty to forcing his hairstylist to perform sex acts. He also admitted to extortion. The rapper and two bodyguards forced the woman to perform oral sex, and accused her of stealing $80,000 in checks. Tyler initially held firm that the incident was consensual. A videotape of the incident was found at his home shortly after the charges were initially made. Negotiations during the trial held the videotape from being entered as evidence and Tyler agreed to the plea bargain offered by the prosecution, avoiding the mandatory life sentence for sexual assault in Louisiana and expecting to receive probation. The case took a twist when the judge viewed the videotape at the sentencing, took into account Tyler's two prior arrests (for drug and gun possession) and had him remanded into custody to begin serving a six-year sentence immediately. Bodyguards Leland "Pokie" Ellis and Vercy "V" Carter also pleaded guilty to sexual battery. In August 2005, while incarcerated on the state sexual battery and extortion charges, Mystikal was charged federally with two misdemeanor counts of failing to file tax returns for 1998 and 1999. On January 12, 2006, he was convicted in federal court of the tax offenses, but was allowed to serve the one-year federal sentence concurrent with his six-year state sentence.Mystikal was incarcerated at Louisiana's Elayn Hunt Correctional Center. On January 19, 2006, Mystikal was denied parole at a parole board hearing. On January 11, 2007, Mystikal was released from custody on the federal misdemeanor tax convictions (as his one-year sentence had expired), but he remained in custody on the six-year sentence for the Louisiana state felony convictions. The news of his release caused confusion among fans who heard the news and mistakenly thought he had been released on parole. He was released January 14, 2010. After his release, Mystikal registered as a sex offender. He currently resides in Prarieville, Louisiana.
After his release Mystikal stated:
I was gone so long, all the things I achieved, all the accolades I attained, it felt like it was a dream. It felt like I'd never done that stuff. But watch how I shake this world up now — I want reparations.

Welcome to Florida, America's Wang


TampaBay.comA 15-year-old New Port Richey boy is accused of fatally stabbing a man at a mud bog after a dispute over engine revving, according to the Levy County Sheriff's Office.
Deputies said Christopher J. Sutherlin stabbed 24-year-old Roderic L. Sparks on Saturday in the mud pit at the Horse Hole Creek mud bogs in Inglis. The stabbing happened at the second annual Redneck Games, a weekend festival. In addition to muddy vehicle races, the festival website advertises events like a tire change competition, blindfolded tent pitching and a sexy mechanical bull.
Deputies were working at the event when patrons notified them about the incident. The crowd blocked the suspect's vehicle, preventing him from leaving the scene, the Levy Sheriff's Office said.
Levy deputies said the incident began when Sutherlin's father started arguing with Sparks about revving his engine. Sutherlin's father threw a beer can at Sparks, which led to a fight, deputies said.
Sparks was "getting the best" of the fight and the younger Sutherlin jumped in, stabbing Sparks in the upper torso, deputies said.
He was taken to a Crystal River hospital, where he died.
Deputies located the knife in the mud pit on Sunday.
Sutherlin, who lives in Sabalwood at River Ridge off DeCubellis Road, faces a manslaughter charge.
His family could not be reached Monday, and Levy County authorities did not release additional information.
There is literally no other place this story could possibly take place other than Florida.  I imagine Central and Western Florida and the Panhandle to be a combination of every episode of Cops, a redneck competition, and smell like stale Busch mixed with Drakkar Noir.  
This was the ad on the website for the Redneck Competition, but I don't see where they offer stabbings from 15 year olds:

-Big Ran

I Finally Got Some Closure

After being left in suspense for so long, I finally saw the much anticipated squeal to the original cliffhanger this weekend.  I am not talking about Kung Fu Panda 2, The Hangover 2, Harry Potter, or Twilight.  I watch sports and reruns of "The Office" on My TV (a local MA channel) pretty much every night.  So, if you watch NESN and/or My TV, you have probably had your share of local car and furniture commercials, ads for online colleges where you can take classes in your pajamas, ads for UTI (no, not a urinary tract infection P.S.A., but an automotive school), and many other classics.

One of my favorites is the Certain Dri Deodorant commercial:



Would you get a load of that ad?!  Perfect.  We have a blonde bimbo who isn't afraid to tell people she has a sweating problem.  Don't get me wrong, there are days when the anti-perspirant doesn't really take, but I don't tell strangers at a wedding or party about it.  Then we have Dr. Douche and his glasses and the fact that he is a doctor is "cool" according to this gold digging bimbo.  All around awesome.

Well, I always wondered what happened  to these two and this weekend I found out.  I am having trouble finding the newest ad, but in it, the two are dating, she is still a major bimbo, but she doesn't sweat excessively anymore.  All-in-all, we all get to feel good about this sweaty love story.  I just wonder what happens in the next commercial...

What happens when the bimbo's pits adjust to Certain Dri and even Certain Dri can't contain the sweat anymore.  I mean the doctor has to dump her right?  I don't feel that this relationship was destined to last long because she is clearly dumb as rocks and Dr. Douche doesn't want to deal with excess sweat.  Why should he have to do that, HE'S A DOCTOR!

Even the Certain Dri website is having trouble with the newest commercial.  So, as soon as it is up, I will post it.  I don't want to keep anyone in suspense.

-Big Ran

KC Jones Thoughts: If she does in fact hit a wall with the Certain Dri and nothing else works, she could always just go to UTI and become a truck driver. No one cares if they sweat, right??? 

Tuesday Trivia...

Well, 2011 has been rough for New England sports fans thus far:

*The Patriots, led by Tinseltown Tommy, were knocked out of the playoffs in the first round. Some were surprised, I was not. Click here if you don't know why I feel this way.....

*A well oiled machine until mid February, The Celtics were dismantled at the hands of  their leader, Danny Ainge and then bounced in Round 2 of the playoffs.

*The Red Sox got off to a horrific start, but have started to recover nicely and their fans will remain cautiously optimistic for the remainder of the season.

What does this have to do with "Tuesday Trivia", you ask? Well, I'm curious, what has this woman been doing since the Celtics were eliminated?
JUST KIDDING! Well, kind of, I do wonder what's she up to, but my trivia concerns The Boston Bruins. The Bruins have been the one bright spot for New England fans as far as playoff performances are concerned. As you already know (unless you are Amish), the Bruins took care of business and are headed to the NHL Finals to compete for the Stanley Cup against the Vancouver Schmucks, oops, I mean, Canucks.

This brings me to the trivia for today. I, for one, do not know much about hockey and I've always wondered:

1. Who exactly is this "Lord Stanley" I keep hearing about?
2. What is the back story behind the "Stanley Cup"?

This IS a picture of the Stanley Cup, but it is NOT a picture of Lord Stanley!

So, I've done a little research and found a great blog that answers all of my questions and gives even more information! So, check out "The Lucky Puck Hockey Blog" and read the post. Yes, you have to link over to the blog to get the answers! It's well worth it, it's very informative, interesting, and I'm loving the name of the blog!

Let's Go Bruins!


 -KC Jones