Amanda Knox Free to Bang (Possibly Murder)

Hey, remember Amanda Knox?  The Seattle-area exchange student that was imprisoned in Italy for murder during a menage a trois, or gang bang, or something like that?  Well, her guilty verdict was just overturned and she will be free.  Get a load of this: yours truly, Big Ran, has a friend in Seattle that knows Amanda and her family!  How about that!  Maybe the takeover could get an exclusive.  I think if KC and I dig deep we could come up with like $7 and some coupons.  Although, KC is now a Hall of Famer, so that could carry some weight in the negotiating process.

Here's a link to the story, I'm not staying late to go over the details:  http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/10/03/501364/main20114867.shtml

Peace out, homies, and remember, if you're gonna have a gang bang, don't kill anyone.

-Big Ran

As a PS, here's what I wanted to include, but whoever owns the rights to "Seinfeld" is a total dick and won't allow their clips to be embedded.

The Big Easy

The first stop on my four state odyssey was New Orleans, Louisiana.  Now, I had been pumped about this trip for a long time for a few reasons.  One, I hadn't been to New Orleans since I was a senior in college for the NCAA tournament.  I was there in March, it happened to be 88 degrees, our hotel had a rooftop pool, was in walking distance of Bourbon Street, and I was 21; pretty much the perfect storm of sloppiness.  We were there four days, three nights, and didn't leave a second too early.  On the flight back, the flight attendant kept bringing us Gatorade without even asking us if we wanted them and she gave us a bunch to pack in our bag for the rest of the trip.  Mother Theresa ain't got sh!t on her. 

Secondly, I was going with a few people in my office for a conference, so it was going to be a good time.  Three of us flew Jet Blew down to New Orleans, so I am totally planning on rocking that Direct TV for the entire flight - no book, no magazines.  Big mistake.  As soon as we board, one of the flight attendants announces that the TVs aren't work, and I let out a rather loud/aggressive groan.  I was bullsh!t.  To Jet Blue's credit, we got a small credit for a future flight.  I would have rather had the TV.  Well, I proceed to not speak to my co-workers the rest of the flight and sleep most of the way.

To cut to the chase, our staff went out to a classy dinner, had a few drinks, then hit up Bourbon Street.  Now, two of us had been to New Orleans before, so we wanted to introduce them to hurricanes at Pat O'Brien's, the bar that invented the hurricane, which is a unholy mix of every alcohol you can imagine and a bright red fruit mix.  Let me tell you, if you suffer from acid reflux like I do, DON'T DRINK HURRICANES.  God damn, these things killed me for like a week.  

We end up heading to a few bars with a big crew, keeping my boss out until about 1am (a time I don't think he's seen in 10 years, and others until about 2am.  Now, I am sharing a hotel room with my boss because the conference was bringing a huge number of people to the city, but still a bit of an awkward proposition in a city like New Orleans.  I get back to my room around 3am and try to open the door, only to discover that he has closed that dead bolt/security latch thing.  F*CK.  I wait 30 seconds to see if he wakes up, then I try again.  On the plus side, it is impossible to push that latch open from the outside.  On the negative side, I am wondering where I am going to sleep.  Finally, he rambles over in just his boxers, apologizing for locking me out.

About four hours later, I miraculously wake up because I had set my alarm for 7pm rather than am.  I take a quick personal inventory and realize that I am not hung over, but that is only because I am still pretty drunk.  However, I figure, if I don't get in the shower now, it's never going to happen.  When I get out of the shower, my boss says the following things to me:

"How are you awake and moving right now?" A: Because I am still drunk (didn't actually say that).

"I am never going out with you and Amy (my co-worker who can hang) again."

"Do you have any asprin."

Loved it, loved it all.  On top of that, we go to breakfast and he couldn't even look at food.  So, ultimately, I looked like a champ because I was ready to go at 7am after getting in at 3am and he felt like a truck hit him. What I will go to the grave with is that when he left later in the day for his flight back, I crushed a nap in the room, skipping part of the conference.

The tough part about a conference in New Orleans is knowing a ton of people there and having such easy access to Bourbon Street.  All I wanted to do that night was sleep, but that, obviously, wasn't an option.  My body can't handle consecutive nights and I had three hard ones.  I couldn't wait for the rest of my trip when I wouldn't have to go out with anyone.  Socializing takes a lot of effort when you're inflicting that much damage to your body.  The lesson here?  Don't get old.  Maybe stop at aging 26, that's possible, right?

A couple notes to add before wrapping up:

Watch out for trannies on Bourbon Street.  And, if your into trannies, definitely watch out for them, I won't judge you.  I also saw a woman in a piano bar that could have been Ozzy Osbourne.  I mean looked just like him, I couldn't stop staring at "her."

As I was heading back the first night, I saw a dude walk up to a woman and ask, "How much?"  She said, "$40."  He then proceeded to hand her two $20 bills and lead her into an alley off of Bourbon Street.  Woof. 

-Big Ran

Oh Snap, Guess What I Saw...

Not a fella tongue-kissing my girl in the mouth, but four states in 11 days on a business trip.  On the surface, these trips always sound awesome to the people who don't have to do them, because I got to go to New Orleans, Milwaukee, Chicago, and a small town in Indiana.  Yup...Indiana.  By the way, Indiana is everything you think it would be and absolutely nothing more.  Have you ever seen Parks and Rec?  Exactly that.  Milwaukee, incidentally, is one of the most underrated cities in the U.S.  So, I'll bust out a few of the better stories I have from the last week and a half, because, well, why do all the work that piled up while I was gone?

-Big Ran

PS:  We may have to discuss KC Jones being inducted into her work place's Hall of Fame.  Seriously.

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

Anne Hathaway

VS.

Carly Foulkes - aka T-Mobil Chick

Anne Hathaway vs. Carly Foulkes.  Go ahead and say it.  I NAILED this one.  I was thinking of a "Is This Person Good Looking" for Hathaway, but by the transitive property (or something like that) she must be.  I just get the impression that Anne Hathaway must be a huge pain in the ass.  I have no factual information to base that on, just a gut feeling.  I just bet she big-times everyone and has "Do you know who I am?" running through her head at all times.  I could be totally wrong.  I could say I hope I am wrong, but I honestly don't care at all.  I have a wild guess that Anne Hathaway will never effect my life in any meaningful way.

-Big Ran

PS:  Shouldn't people that have agents and/or publicists know this should never happen?  This made me want to hurt myself:

Stuck In My Head

I think as I get busier and more stressed at work the stranger the songs stuck in my head get.  Why on earth would this be in my head at 5:20 AM when my dog wakes me up to go out?  That's tough to come back from.

I don't think I have heard this song all the way through since freshman year of college when, for some inexplicable reason, it was popular and played at every bar towards the end of the night.

WTF is Tubthumping?

-Big Ran

The Go and F*ck Yourself Red Sox Report

Just when you think the Sox can't sink any lower or lose in a more frustrating way, they snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  Last night was it for me.  I'm f*cking done.  Hide yo kids and hide yo wife.

Let's tackle the current team and events first.  Is there anyone on this team who has any balls?  Where's the person that stands up and takes charge of this mother f*cker?  theo seems to love assembling a team of proficient baseball players who have little to no personality.  Congratulations.  When sh!t hits the fan, you need some dudes that will take the team on their back.  Was Kevin Millar a good player?  No.  But guess what...nothing fazed him.  Down 3-0 to the Yanks in '04, he talking trash before game four about how the Yanks better sweep them or watch out.

Let's go around the f*cking diamond, shall we?  Varitek is technically the captain, but he's a glorified backup now.  Salty is in his first year with the Sox, so he's not there yet.

Adrian Gonzalez is a phenomenal player, but isn't playoff tested.  He doesn't have a personality and I'm not sure if he has the plums to conquer adversity yet. 

Pedroia may be the only guy with the right combo of having enough of a chip on his shoulder, personality, and ability.  Say hello to your next captain.

Scutaro is a solid player, but a lame duck, just as every Sox SS has been since Nomar stopped taking roids.

Youkilis is another good player with some guts.  I don't get the impression anyone likes him though.  I'll take him on my team, but he won't rally the clubhouse.

Crawford.  Good Lord.  Not playing both ends of a double header in a pennant race because of a stiff neck? Not a good look, dude.  Also not a good look?  Getting paid $20M per and sucking all year long.  Wait till next year for him because this one is a lost cause.

Ellsbury is having an awesome year, but again doesn't seem like he has it in him to rally the troops.  What are you gonna do?

Right field is just a mess.  J.D. Drew has a foot and a half out the door, just dreaming about cashing in his chips and retiring to rural Georgia.  He has to be the most frustrating player in recent memory.  Plenty of talent, no heart.  Reddick is scary in the field.  He may be OK, but he's not ready yet.

Beckett is a high maintenance pain in the ass.  On the DL all the time, and everything needs to be perfect for him to make a start.  He is typically money in the playoffs, I'll give him that, but to need a personal catcher at this point of his career is somewhat pathetic.  I need good seasons out of him more than once every three years.  At least he can give a good press conference:

I keep waiting for Lester to get to that next level and be an ace.  Maybe he's not an ace.  have we thought about that?  The dude battled back from cancer to be a great pitcher, so I would love to see him put the team on his back, but he hasn't proven to be a stopper yet.

John Lackey, you are literally, the worst starter in MLB and the worst starter in Red Sox history.  Congratu-f*cking-lations.  On top of all of that, you're ugly and a total dickhead.

The bullpen - Bard and Pap.  Bard was NASTY...until he just lost it all in crunch time.  He hasn't proven to be able to handle the pressure.  Bard is not the answer to the Sox closer question for next season and probably made Papelbon many, many millions of dollars this year.  Pap has been very good all year, so this isn't on him.

Tito, please stop starting Kyle Weiland and give Aceves a shot.  Maybe even take a bat to the clubhouse and break some sh!t.

The front office needs to get their sh!t together too.  How about we sign some free agents that can play in Boston?  How about that?  The last two off seasons they have thrown approximately $380M at three players; Lackey, Gonzalez (plus three top prospects to get from from San Diego), and Crawford.  If they had actually offered Jason Bay, who was a perfect fit for Fenway, to a four year/$60M deal, they could have sign Texiera and probably get Cliff Lee.  I even think if they go the extra mile for Texiera, they could have had Matt Holliday and Cliff Lee.  I'll take my chances with Texiera, Holliday, and Lee, plus the three prospects they sent to San Diego.

Ugh.  Thanks for letting me vent.  This was probably more for me than any of our readers.



-Big Ran

PS:  F*ck Sweet Caroline.

Iron Mike Continues to Shine

 I wish there was some way I could incorporate "wombshifter" into everyday conversation, but I don't see how this could happen.  Based on this interview and his performance on the Charlie Sheen Roast last night, I think Mike is making a push to become the go to for philosophical debates or reflections on current events.

I mean, Iron Mike has made a major turnaround. From the Hangover, to political commentary, to poetry. That face tattoo is still distracting as sh!t though. No matter how many times I see it, I never get use to it.

 

The more I think about it, Sarah Palin should have, 100%, chosen Glen Rice.  Everything may have worked out better for both of them.  She could be a news reporter, Glen, would still be a retired NBA player, they would probably still have a son playing starting at guard for Georgia Tech (based on both of their athletic abilities), Palin wouldn't be exposed to be dumb as rocks, would probably actually have traveled outside the US, wouldn't have a a grandson who's father's name is Levi, and Glen would have married his true love and not have to watch his ex-wife on "Real Housewives of Miami," and most importantly, she wouldn't be married to a snow mobile racer or whatever her husband is right now.  Win-win all around.

-Big Ran

Too Good to Pass Up

I'll cut to the chase a bit here.  Last week reports surfaced that Sarah Palin boned Glen Rice (most random pairing ever?).

"In the book, which will be published on September 20^th, McGinniss claims Sarah had a steamy interracial hookup with basketball stud GLEN RICE less than a year before she eloped with her husband Todd.

Sarah hooked up with the NBA great, then a 6-foot-8 junior at the University of Michigan when he was playing in a college basketball tournament in Alaska in 1987, the book says. At the time, Sarah, just out of college, was working as a sports reporter for the Anchorage TV station KTUU.

A publishing source told The ENQUIRER that McGinniss claims Sarah had a “fetish” for black men at the time and he quotes a friend as saying Sarah had “hauled (Rice’s) ass down.”

A source unrelated to the book told The ENQUIRER, Todd was very much in the picture at the time and the couple married just nine months later.

In the book, McGinniss quotes Rice as confirming the one-night stand."

Now, there are the excerpts from the book that I think comes out today:

"After her graduation, Sarah returned to Alaska and worked on the sports desk of Anchorage television station KTUU. On weekends, she'd sometimes appear on camera, delivering sports reports during the 10:00 PM newscast.

Her attitude toward people of color was evolving. In Anchorage, she even dated black men. A friend says, "Sarah and her sisters had a fetish for black guys for a while."

Each year, over Thanksgiving weekend, the University of Alaska hosted a basketball tournament called the Great Alaska Shootout, featuring some of the country's best teams. In 1987, one of the top squads to visit Anchorage was the University of Michigan, led by six-foot-eight junior Glen Rice, number 41.

Rice would lead Michigan to the NCAA Championship in 1989, appearing on the cover ofSports Illustrated and setting a scoring record for the NCAA tournament that stands today. After graduating from Michigan as the school's all-time leading scorer, he starred in the NBA for fifteen years.

Whether in her professional capacity as a sports reporter or simply as a basketball groupie who'd begun to find black men attractive, Sarah linked up with the Rice during the weekend tournament. One friend recalls, "They went out. I suspect it was more than that. I can't say I know they had sex, but I remember Sarah feeling pretty good that she'd been with a black basketball star."

In one version of the story, Sarah's encounter with Rice took place in her sister Molly's dorm room at the University of Alaska Anchorage. "She hauled his ass down," a friend says, "but she freaked out afterward. Hysterical, crying, totally flipped out. The thing that people remember is her freak-out, how completely crazy she got: I fucked a black man!She was just horrified. She couldn't believe she'd done it."

Glen Rice remembers the weekend quite differently. When I spoke to him by telephone in March 2011, he said, "I remember it as if it was yesterday. She was a sweetheart. I met her almost as soon as we got out there."

Rice does not recall being in a university dorm room. "We hung out mostly at the hotel where the team was staying," he told me. "We just hit off. In a short time, we got to know a lot about one another. It was all done in a respectful way, nothing hurried."

"So you never had the feeling she felt bad about having sex with a black guy?" I asked.

"No, no, no, nothing like that," Rice said. "Even after I left Alaska, we talked a lot on the phone. I think right up until the time she got married. She was a gorgeous woman. Super nice. I was blown away by her. Afterward, she was a big crush that I had. I talked about her for a long time. Only good things. She was a well-rounded young lady. It's amazing the way that's stayed with me. I think the utmost of her and I felt that way from the start."

I can honestly say that if you told me Sarah Palin hooked up with a 15 year NBA player who ended up carrying a major torch for her, I don't think Glen Rice would have ever crossed my mind.  Responses to this and more insanity will continue in the next post.

-Big Ran

PS:  I wish I could have bought stock in Aqua Net in the early 80s.  I could have retired by the time I was 11 and bought all the Reebok Pumps I wanted.


PPS:  Initially, there were just reports that Glen Rice confirmed the story and I was thinking, "Of course he friggin' confirmed that story.  Who wouldn't?"  I would confirm any rumor like that because there is at least some chance I could profit from it.  However, seeing those Rice quotes, he was just plain out in love with Palin.  Imagine if Sarah Palin married Glen Rice and became a news reporter?  Wow.  I kind of just blew my mind there.  Maybe she would have been the one asking people what newspapers they read instead of being the one who looked borderline illiterate.

I have a vast variety of sources too.  Friggin' awesome line.  God, I hope she runs for President, Palin is comedy gold.

Stuck in My Head

This song will get stuck in your head for weeks if you hear it.  I like this jam, but man, every station has this going 24-7.  On the plus side, it always makes me think of Reebok Pumps.  How awesome were those when they came out?  Remember when Dee Brown pumped it up, then did the eye-covered dunk in the NBA Dunk Contest?  Definitely the highlight of 6th grade.



How about Shawn Kemp 50 pounds and 8 kids lighter?  I LOVE OLD SCHOOL NBA HIGHLIGHTS!

-Big Ran

PS:  What's up with the guitar player of that band being good looking?  I like my rock stars ugly and riddled with drugs, not looking like they stepped out of a JCrew catalog.  The last thing rock stars need is even more and easier access to chicks. 

Two weeks is WAY too long not to post, and honestly, I've felt guilty.  It's a shame my job is standing in the way of screwing off at work.  Anyway, I need to catch up on a few things that have happened in the last couple of weeks, so even if they are old news, they have to be covered.

-Big Ran