Celtic Pride

Yes, Danny Ainge aka "Dr. Evil" severely handicapped the Celtics by dismantling a well oiled machine in February, (look at the stats if you want to argue this point) and yes, our beloved team is aging and very injury prone. And of course more bad news came today; Shaq won't be suited up for Game #1 against the Knicks (Reason #1,567 why Perk should still be with the C's). However, real fans never give up...so let's reminisce and get ready to rumble in the jungle!  It's gonna be tough, but they've done it before and they can do it again!

P.S. And with fans like this, even if we lose, we still win! Holla!!!

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette

I Don't Feel So Good....

In today's "Office Etiquette" post, I would like to a take a moment to weigh in on people who come to work when they are sick. While I realize that we cannot and should not call in sick each and every time we have the sniffles, I think it's time to call out those individuals who come to work when they are on death's door, putting all of their coworkers' health in jeopardy. I've witnessed this sort of behavior more times than I ever imagined possible, so I'd like to highlight a couple of the most flagrant offenses:

1. "It doesn't matter, I'm going to be sick whether I'm here or at home, so I might as well be here." Ummmm, how about no?! A while back, I was sitting in my cube and I heard this dude coughing violently in the aisle next to me. At one point, a friend of mine who sits in the cube in front of him and I were emailing, taking bets on which of his internal organs would be shot over the cube wall into her lap first. A little while later, he added a constant, productive, fog horn style nose blowing to his repertoire. Disgusting. Someone asked him if he was sick and he could barely speak. When it was suggested that he go home, he responded with the quote I used to open this paragraph.While that is true, it is completely asinine.  If he had stayed home, he wouldn't be exposing all of his coworkers and their families, etc to the plague he was carrying. Clearly this db has no regard for the well-being of the people around him. He has now earned the nickname "Bubble Boy" (shout out to Seinfeld), because we've noticed that he is one of those people who is CONSTANTLY sick and because of this, should probably be isolated.
Bottom line: If you have a cold/virus that is making you cough nonstop to the point of gagging and preventing you from doing anything with your hands besides cupping your nose with a tissue, it would probably be a good idea to stay home.

2. "I was throwing up all night, and I feel awful but I was able to keep some plain toast down this morning, so I decided to try to come in." I overheard this from a particularly annoying woman who works on my floor a few months back. She believes she is crucial to the long term AND day to day success of our company. (She's not, trust me.) Again, REALLY? Congrats on keeping the toast down lady, but guess what? If I wanted the Norwalk Virus or a variation of it, I'd hop on a cruise ship and at least reap the benefits of good food and a tan, not drive down the highway to my office building.
Bottom line: If you have a stomach bug, you should NEVER be at work. You are NOT that important, and the company will survive without you for a day or two.

3. "I have a stomach bug, so I'll be communicating via email or telephone today, FROM MY OFFICE." Yes, this was an email sent (maybe not the exact words, but you get the point) years ago from someone in a former department of mine. Of course we then see the infected wandering the halls, going into the bathroom, touching doorknobs, and other communal items. The irony here is that this person is one of the biggest germ-a-phobes going and won't even take a piece of paper from someone who has sneezed!  Seriously, you couldn't stay home and use a sick day? Or, if you really do believe you are so important that your absence will cause the company to come to a grinding halt, couldn't you just work from home for the day? 
Bottom line: See #2's 'bottom line'. Unacceptable.

4. "I never get sick, so this can't be anything." OR "I never get sick, so I'm guessing this must be allergies." Yup! Comments similar to these have been uttered in the cube farm as well. What is WRONG with people? First off, I don't know many people (or anyone, for that matter) who suffers from allergies in mid January, especially when everyone around them has been fighting off a cold, flu, or other virus. Secondly, don't lie. Everyone gets sick at some point. Sure, some people tend to catch things more easily than others, but there is no one in the world who has never been sick.
Bottom line: You aren't bionic, you're delusional.  STAY HOME.

This is clearly a legitimate issue at my company and others because we have received company wide emails at various points reminding us of when we should stay home sick. I'm not sure why grown adults need to be given guidelines or reminded that a fever equals contagion (yes, that's a word), but apparently some of them do.

So, I'll end the post by saying this; proper office etiquette calls for individuals to stay home when they are legitimately sick. This is why most companies provide their associates with sick days. Some things just don't need to be shared, and I think I speak for the majority when I say nobody wants your swine flu, bird flu, or SARS.

-KC Jones

We Have a New Competitor to Consider

Via Barstool NY.  My Mom uses auto tune at this point, but you have to respect the tight jeans and adult jersey.

-Big Ran

Super Terrific Happy Hour!

PARTY ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has to be the best 80s video of all time.

1:18 - People starting to rock out.
1:20 - Is that a young Amar'e Stoudemire with the shades on?
1:30 - Shirtless guitarist; a must in any 80s video.
2:25 - I can't even do these guys justice.
3:08 - This is when Rick James decides, "Fuck this, they need me on this jam" and starts rocking it at 3:18.

This video really makes me want to travel back to the 80s and do a Scareface-sized mountain of coke with Rick James.  Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Party all the time, bitches! Have a great weekend!

-Big Ran

KC Jones' notes:
1:06-Rick James giving the double clap every time the synthesized beat drops. Eddie Murphy also gets in on this clap back every time it happens. I find myself joining in every time I've ever watched this vid.

1:15-The lady clearly going commando from the waist up, wearing her yellow dress, with the middle cut out. This video was obviously shot before breast implants became commonplace. Also, notice her friend all the way to the left, with his collar popped.....someone in today's rap game owes him major royalties.

Rick James' perm.....I wonder if that hairstyle was a decision made while on a coke bender.

Good pick Big Ran, seriously. Your commentary is remarkable. How does one NOT want to party all the time after watching this?

Everyone Point and Laugh at the Knicks!

If you're a hoops fan, you know the NBA Playoffs start this weekend.  If you have seen our blog, you know we will leave the serious breakdowns of the Celtics and Knicks to the experts.  Here, we're just going to make fun of the Knicks.







-Big Ran

We're Back!

I guess we're not technically back to blogspot, but we are back to blogging after coming over from Tumblr.  We need our peeps to be able to comment!  The dates on most past posts will be off since we brought everything over today, but you get the point, you're smart.



-Big Ran

Office Etiquette

Today The Takeover is going to start a segment entitled "Office Etiquette."  This was KC Jones' brainchild and I love it.  Fortunately (or unfortunately), I have a great story.

A couple of weeks ago a coworker of mine, "Cheryl," was in a meeting.  I was in someone else's office killing time when a woman from our processing unit, "Patty," comes to the door to ask where Cheryl was.  The guy I was talking with told Patty that Cheryl was in a meeting.  Patty responded with: "Oh good, I'm just going to read my book on her couch."

The two of us gave each other the "WTF" look because Patty was now lounging in Cheryl's office, reading a book on her couch at two in the afternoon.

When I tell Cheryl not to be surprised to find a visitor in her office she goes in to find Patty.  Cheryl asks her what's going on and Patty replies "Oh, I just needed a place to relax and read my book. Are you going to be doing work in here now?"

Dudes, I think this is just absolutely bat shit insane.  How the hell do you just go into someone's office that you barely work with and just take your shoes off and relax in their office at 2 PM.  Honestly, it blows my mind that someone would think that is OK.  Maybe I'm an asshole, but if someone is chillin' in my office you better be my friend and not some nut job from the processing unit that forwards me all the calls you should be handling yourself.
Other crazy co-worker stories?  Different optinions on this one?  Let us know.

-Big Ran

PS: Try googling images for reading on a couch.  I'll wait...

A. Why is everyone smiling?  Unless they caught you at the precise moment you were reading a lighthearted moment, you should be concentrating.  Reading is Fundamental, bitches.

B. Why is everyone barefoot?  Does nobody where socks while they are reading?  Is that what I'm doing wrong?  I don't want to see dudes in vests reading barefoot.  Shit is gross.

PPS: Etiquette has to be the most difficult word to spell in the world.  I tried that shit like six different ways until I was close enough to even use spell check.  Maybe if I read with my socks off I would be smarter.

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

Although I'm not sure I can top yesterday's selections from Big Ran, I'm going to do my best.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you today's Lunchtime Look-a-like:

Yup, that's right; Tyra Banks and RuPaul......and, in the spirit of full disclosure, I'd like to present my reasons for the comparison:
1. Both are obnoxious, narcissistic individuals who would not be in the public eye without a team of professionals to transform them into something worth looking at. (Note that I am not using the words pleasant, enjoyable, or wonderful before the phrase "worth looking at"). Proof shown below:




2. Both have television shows that provide an endless amounts of clips for use by the funniest man in the world, Joel McHale, on "The Soup", each week. (Tyra has her horrendous talk show and America's Next Top Model while RuPaul has "RuPaul's Drag Race" which is only SLIGHTLY better than Tyra's talk show).

3. Each could pass for the opposite gender given the day, time, and amount of makeup applied.
4. Both have pretty "fierce" (shout out to Tyra's favorite word) foreheads that could be used for breaking boards.....

*A quick footnote: Let it be known that I used to like Tyra Banks, when she was just a model....But ever since that broad (shout out to Big Ran) she opened her mouth on a talk show, I find myself resisting the urge to puncture my own eardrums*


-KC Jones

Fast Forward...One Missed Call

Is there someone who sits nearby in your cube (or office) neighborhood who is constantly coming to talk to you, harass you, share stories, or otherwise annoy you and/or your work friends? Someone who wants to be your friend but you're just not feeling them? Someone who has an infinite number of stories which interest you about as much as watching paint dry? Or maybe this person is someone who is interested in you and you don't feel the same. Do you and your work friends constantly dread these interactions and wish you could find a way to make them stop? Well, here's a fun a little game you can play to get him or her out of your cube/office and back into their own area quickly and without any awkwardness:

When the person starts making their rounds, be patient and give them a minute to see if it will just be a casual and quick interaction. When the interaction starts going on for too long and becomes awkward or painful, have one of your friends call the person on the phone. They will hear the phone and quickly leave your space...if they don't, repeat the process until they do. It might take a few phone calls sometimes, but you have to be patient.

My friends and I have used this technique and it works--it also helps pass the time at work, much like our "Real World: Corporate America" game. And an added bonus is this: If the person bothering you is a spaz, they will get really animated and crazy each time they run to their phone only to find a 'hang up' or 'missed call' and no message left. We employed this technique on a crazy young man we worked with who was always hitting on all of us. He was like a little chihuahua or other type of ankle biter dog, so he was always all fired up and yipping and yapping. He would go INSANE when he would run to his phone for nothing! So, in addition to saving ourselves, we also got some good laughs each time he freaked out about it. 

The keys to success in this game are as follows:

1. Make sure you and your friends are all on the same page. Make sure you are aware of the "storytellers" whereabouts at peak times (For example: Monday mornings are particularly trying as he/she will probably have many stories to share from two days apart. Also, Friday afternoons can also be risky because he/she might be anticipating separation anxiety and will want to share as much time as possible with you before being away for over 48 hours). You have to make sure you have each others backs.

2. If things become really unmanageable and the visiting hours become far too frequent, attempt to throw the planned visit off course before it happens: If you hear the person roaming around, make the call prior to the point where he/she plants him/herself in your doorway, cube, etc.

3. Make sure whoever is calling HANGS UP before the "storyteller" is able to see their phone (if they have caller ID). You do not want him/her to find out what is going on or you may NEVER be able to get rid of them....or maybe they'll be offended and never speak to you again...which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, right? Hmmm...maybe tip #3 isn't that important after all!

What are your techniques for dealing with crazy coworkers and making time pass more quickly at work? We'd love to know!

-KC Jones

*Big Ran note: we have a broad in our office that will comment on EVERYTHING if she walks by, especially when a group of us are having lunch.  I always egg her on to keep making dumb comments about what is going on.  I mean she comments on everything, so I might as well push her further toward the loony bin where her irrational thoughts will surely put her one day.  Hey, you've got to laugh or you'll just cry.

*Hey Big Ran: I applaud your use of the word "broad"....that word is one of the most underrated, underused words in the English language.

Irrational Rant...Flavored Fucking Coffee

 This one is right at the top of my list for being really innocuous, but pissing me off to no end.  Our office has some sort of contract with Green Mountain and we must get boxes full of every variety they make.  Regular coffee?  Great, let's do it.  However, let me run through the flavors we have on a regular basis: blueberry, southern pecan, mocha fudge nut, rain forest nut, Canadian bacon, and vanilla-caramel.

OK, no Canadian Bacon, but they might as well make it.  At least regular bacon, I would actually try that. Blueberry coffee?  Fuck you.  If you like blueberry coffee you really need to reevaluate your life and priorities.  Southern pecan?  I was in St. Louis for a business trip once and went into a bakery and ordered a pecan roll, pronouncing it like any Masshole would, "pee-can."  The woman promptly corrected me and asked me if I wanted a pecan roll (pronounced the right way).  Fuck you, lady.  You've got a stupid arch in the middle of your terrible downtown and Nelly.  That's it.  We've got the best colleges and universities, the best hospitals, and the American Revolution started here.  We fucking invented freedom.  Boom.  Mocha fudge nut?  How the fuck do you put the essence of nut in coffee?  Deez nuts?  I know how you can get that flavor.  Rain forest nut?  What the fuck does that even mean?  This flavor better cure some illness or give me the virility of a viking snorting Viagra because that is a terrible idea for a flavor.  Vanilla-caramel?  Whatever, that's kind of normal, but I still don't want it.

I roll down to get some coffee ion the morning and I am always scared that it will be one of these idiotic flavors.  Just terrible.  I mean, on a day like today, mid-40s and raining, I just want a little pep in my step from the caffeine.  Instead, there is some flavored mess of coffee, I get pissed, won't drink it and spend the whole day feeling like Curt Cobain circa April 5th, 1994.  

Too much?

-Big Ran