Irrational Rant....What's My Name?

This rant has been building for a while now and it was sparked this morning after seeing several more instances of insanity in regards to 'the name game'. Today I'd like to rant about stupid parents naming their children even stupider names because they think they are awesome and cool (the parents think this about themselves, not about the names). I'm all about being original and unique, but it just gets to the point where I want to go up to these people (mainly broads as we all know they are the driving force because they can play the, 'I pushed the child from my uterus card), and punch them in the ovaries, thus preventing any future naming nonsense.



Because I'm not sure who reads our blog, I won't get into specific cases involving people I know. I will however use dumb ass celebrities to provide support for my rant.

1. Beyonce & Jay-Z: "Blue Ivy Carter"- Really? Seriously. This doesn't even make sense because ivy is green. ANYWAY.

2. Gwyneth Paltrow:  A daughter named "Apple". This immediately enraged me as I despise Gwyneth to begin with. On a positive note, naming their daughter "Apple" made the subsequent naming of their son "Moses" seem completely normal.

3. Michael Jackson: A son named "Prince Michael II". And, as outrageous as this is, the fact that he goes by the nickname "Blanket", really burns my ass.

Oh Blanket!

4. Jermaine Jackson: Keeping it in the family, another Jackson sibling who lost his damn mind. Dude has a son named "Jermajesty", no joke. I found this out quite some time ago and haven't been the same since. Given that it's the Jackson family, I should not be surprised (Tito? La Toya? the apples don't fall far from the tree).

5. Toni Braxton: Named her son "Denim", seriously. Now, I don't know if this was a passive aggressive move after having to deal with being a female named "Toni", but still, it's not fair to take that out on the kid. Side note, her other son's name is Diezel, which is awful but in an awesome way. That one doesn't make me quite as angry.

6.  Jonathan Davis (Korn's frontman): A son named PIRATE. If I were a teacher, I would not allow this child to be in my class. Period. I guess it's not a huge surprise since the standards are pretty low if you're the lead singer of Korn AND married to a porn star.

7. Erykah Badu & Andre Benjamin (Outkast): A son named SEVEN. Ok, first of all, was this a nod to the Seinfeld episode where George was trying to call 'dibs' on that name? Secondly, really? I mean, it's not even like this was her 7th child and she got tired of trying to come up with names. She also has another terribly named child, "Mars", with another baby daddy, leading me to believe that it's her fault, not Andre's! She needs to have her head examined anyway.

8. Any name selected by Frank Zappa. Please see article for details. Terrible. Just terrible.

KC Jones' Baby Naming Rules:

1. Keep in mind that this perfect little baby will grow up and have to deal with your potentially disastrous name choice. If it is that devastating to them, they might get into drugs, booze, and sex at a young age. They could then become pregnant and continue the  vicious cycle of unacceptable baby naming.

2. If you are so hung up on a ridiculous name, perhaps you should legally change your own to that and name the innocent baby something normal.

3. If you pick a stupid name, remember something; you're not 'trendy', 'unique', or 'cutting edge' anymore. Everyone is doing it now. It's a shit show of epic proportions.

4. No naming human beings after numbers, fruits (or other foods), fossil fuels, fabrics or modes of transportation. These are general categories, and this list is not meant to be all inclusive.

5. If you have had a child and already named them something awful, please make an appointment to be spayed and/or neutered to avoid it happening again.

-KC Jones