Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Looks Like I Will Be Able To Sleep Tonight After All


People.com - Are Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith calling it quits? 

A tabloid reported Tuesday that the A-List Hollywood couple, who've been married for 13 years, are separating. But Trey Smith, Will's son from a previous marriage, says not so fast. 

"Did #WillandJada split? No they did NOT split! False information ... its not true RETWEET!!!" Trey posted to Twitter Tuesday. "Everyone can think what they want ... even if its not true." 

Between the earthquake that I didn't feel and the potentially false Jada and Will Smith rumors, I don't know what to believe!  I just pray this separation isn't true; I don't know what I would do with myself.


-Big Ran

KC Jones' Comment: Truthfully, I'd rather have a 7.0 earthquake with the epicenter in Massachusetts than ever see these two crazy kids separate. I'm feeling very emotionally vulnerable as well Big Ran!

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

I'm proud of this one:  Zach Randolph and Eddie Winslow from Family Matters in honor of Zach's latest brush with the law.  Trust me...

Z-Bo

Eddie

Eddie

Zach

Zach

Big Eddie

I nailed this one.

-Big Ran

Today in, "End the NBA Lockout ASAP"

Yup, that's Zach Randolph holding a sword.  Why wouldn't it be?

Zach Randolph Isn’t In Trouble, He Just Hosted The Mansion Party Where Everyone Beat Up The Pot Dealer With Pool Cues

Deadspin Remember how Z-Bo had a great year, and Memphis decided to lock him up for four years and $71 million, and everyone yelled You fools! It was a contract year! He's going to suck again for the next three years now! and Memphis didn't listen and did it anyway?
And remember how, even though he's made bazillions of dollars playing basketball, he's still rumored to be one of Indianapolis's biggest marijuana suppliers? So yeah, maybe this budding Grizzlies dynasty isn't built on the most solid of foundations.
Friday night, Randolph hosted a charter cruise on the Willamette River. There he met James Beasley, and invited him back to his Portland-area mansion for the afterparty. To sell weed, Beasley says.
Things went bad around four in the morning, which is usually around the time that things tend to go bad at mansion parties hosted by NBA players with their own in-house drug dealer. Apparently there was a "disagreement over price", and four to seven men assaulted Beasley, beating him with a pool cue. For the cherry on top of this shit sundae, Randolph then allegedly took the product.
"He (Randolph) snatched it like basically saying, 'I'm taking your weed," Beasley said.
Beasley told police that Randolph wasn't involved in the beating, which is confusing in the light of his other statements but makes more sense when you remember that Randolph now has $71 million to throw around in order to keep people quiet. If need be. So he's not a suspect, and the league can't discipline him because of the lockout, and if Zach Randolph invites you back to his mansion to race ATVs and shoot guns and party with his "Hoops Family," just don't.
KC can complain about Danny Ainge all she wants, but at least he didn't wrap up someone like Zach Randolf for four years and $71 M.

KC Jones' Comment: Danny Ainge acts like he's a pothead with some of his wonderful decisions!!! 

Literally, How Every Zombie/Post-Apocalyptic Movie Starts



Search ends in Gwinnett for missing research monkey


The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

3:58 p.m. Monday, August 22, 2011
The search in Gwinnett County for a missing research monkey is over.
Emory University’s Yerkes National Primate Research Center announced it has ended efforts to locate the animal. Known only as “EP13,” the 2-year-old rhesus macaque was discovered missing on June 15.
“Despite extensive efforts by Yerkes staff, we have not been able to locate this research animal,” Dr. Stuart Zola, director of Yerkes, said in a prepared statement issued last week.
“Efforts included searching the Yerkes property numerous times, conducting multiple census counts of the research animals and working with Gwinnett County Animal Control to follow up on 26 reported ‘sightings’ in the metro Atlanta area,” Zola said.
Zola said he has directed Yerkes staff to continue taking steps to prevent any such future occurrences, including using microchip technology to better track the animals and increasing security and video surveillance at the center.
The center will also pursue any recommendations regulatory authorities may make, he said. Earlier this summer, Yerkes officials met with representatives of the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Georgia Department of Natural Resources to discuss steps they had taken in the search.
With the search ended, “we are focusing on our research operations at the center and doing things to ensure this would not happen again,” Lisa Newbern, a Yerkes spokeswoman, said in a telephone interview Monday.
If someone should see the monkey, she said, “people are still welcome to give us a call at 404 727-7732, or Gwinnett County Animal Control, 770 339-3200.”
It was hoped that Ep13 could be in or around the 117-acre Primate Research Center, but repeated searches proved fruitless.
Searchers had speculated the monkey fled into the nearby woods, possibly finding shelter in the surrounding Gwinnett suburbs or even going farther, venturing far outside of metro Atlanta. Yerkes has taken calls from people in other counties claiming to have seen her.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution on July 5 cited a Georgia Department of Natural Resources report that Yerkes waited five days before notifying authorities of the missing monkey.
The DNR report showed that after identifying that the monkey was missing on June 15, Yerkes staff started an immediate search of its grounds and on June 17 filed an incident report to the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee, the oversight body for university animal testing.
Yerkes contacted the U.S. Department of Agriculture three days later, on June 20, and then the DNR on June 22. The last time Yerkes had conducted a full head count of the monkeys was May 26, when the group was being transported within the facility.
The report also said that five days into the search, a Yerkes veterinarian believed the primate might be deceased. The veterinarian speculated the missing monkey had fallen into a crevice and died, or that a hawk had captured it.
Meanwhile, about 20 area residents filed a complaint with Lawrenceville and Gwinnett authorities against the primate research center, saying it did not belong in a residential area because of the threat escaped animals could pose to neighbors.
Operated by Emory University, Yerkes is one of eight federally funded national primate research centers. It keeps a total of about 3,400 primates at a 25-acre campus in Atlanta and the 117-acre field station in Lawrenceville. The field station, which opened in 1966, is home to 1,899 rhesus macaques and 2,220 animals overall.
I am currently blogging this while driving to Canada.  I promised myself I would only move to Canada under two conditions:
1.  If Sarah Palin was elected President.
2.  If a research monkey escaped.
This is, literally, how every zombie/virus movie starts.  Outbreak, 28 Days Later, That ridiculously frustrating zombie movie with Will Smith, all of them.  GTFO while the GTFO-ing is still good.  Viva la Canada, unless you are in any other province than Quebec, then it's just English.
Cut to a movie scene:  Movie President:  "FIND THIS F*CKING RESEARCH MONKEY S.T.A.T!!!!!!!!!!"
-Big Ran
Chappelles Show
Black Bush
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDsBlack ComedyTrue Hollywood Story
M-A-R-S.  Mars, bitches.  UH-YEAH-YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Has Two Thumbs and Loves Chinese Food? This Guy! Well, most people, except those without thumbs (making chopsticks more difficult).


I hope Joe Biden crushed all those Chinese beers on the table with that dude, I mean, what else does a Vice President have to do?


-Big Ran

Stuck in My Head



I can't explain this one, but it's not too bad.  it's kind of a good morning summer jam.  I bet the beach boys had plenty of tripods because if you watch this video, there's no way these dudes didn't have huge orgies.  Did you know that wine was invented by the Romans...for orgies?

-Big Ran

Monday, August 22, 2011

OH MY F*#%$&$ GAWD!

Yup, that's simmering placenta

I made it through about two paragraphs of this story before I started to dry heave.  Without exaggerating, I started heading for the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up.  This is, without a doubt, the most disgusting thing I have ever read in my life.

Go to the story at your own risk, I can't in good conscience publish it here:  New York Magazine.  

-Big Ran


We've already covered Bosh's crazy ass tattoo, so we had to have the update with his useless explanation (via Bastketball Jones):


Bosh: I mean it’s ummm … I like art. You know, so it was pretty much just a collage of everything that I like and a lot of it, all of it has meaning. A lot of history. My history, it’s my history. Everything has, you know … it’s not done yet. It’s a work in progress, so people are “Ohh, what’s that? It’s ugly.”
Interviewer: Is there a little spot open for the NBA championship trophy?
Bosh: Yeah, I mean, it worked for Jason Terry. I might as well do it too.
If you can't explain why you got a tattoo, never mind a back full of random tattoos, it probably wasn't a good idea.  Just sayin'.
-Big Ran


PS:  The NBA needs to end this lockout asap.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Stuck in My Head



Ever since I posted the Danvers wedding brawl post, I can't get "The Stoke" out of my head and that is AWESOME.  This song friggin' rules.  It's Friday.  Turn up the computer speakers and blast some BILLY F*CKING SQUIER!

A little Billy Squier info fo yo minds:

Billy Squier was born in WELLESLEY, MA!  Wow, that just blew my mind.  I heard a radio interview with him a few years back and when he signed his record deal it was for something crazy like eight records.  So he had some early hits, but really felt the pressure of coming up with material all the time.

From Wikipedia:  In 2002, he married Nicole, a professional German soccer player. They divide their time between a home on Long Island and an apartment in the famous San Remo on Central Park West in Manhattan. Billy Squier is an active volunteer for the Central Park Conservancy, doing the hands-on "dirty work" by maintaining 20 acres (81,000 m2) of the park, as well as promoting the Conservancy in articles and interviews. He also supports the Group for the East End and its native planting programs on eastern Long Island.



Thursday, August 18, 2011

Big Ran's Nominee for Mother of the Year



First of all, anytime you can embed a YouTube video and the opening image is "GANG BANG," you have to do it.  Secondly, this story is absolutely blowing my mind.  Here's the Big Ran Cliff Notes if you can't watch YouTube at work or if the idea of a gang bang video at work doesn't feel right.

Mom (I use that term loosely.  Pun not intended but awesome if you get it.  Gross.) had multiple gang bangs with six dudes at the same time and had her six year old daughter film them on a cell phone.  She did them when her live-in boyfriend was at work.  The same boyfriend who Mom told that the girl was his daughter, but it turns out she wasn't.

I really don't know where to start on this one, so I will start here:  Cell phone video?  Really?  If you're going to have a gang bang and film it, at least step it up and get one of those HD Flip Cams.  You are going to want to save this for posterity.  It's obviously something you wanted your daughter to share with you, so at least get some quality video.  None of that grainy Zapruder film sh!t.

I kid, I kid.  One of the YouTube commentors nails it with this:  Answer to this problem = tripod.  I couldn't have said it any better than that.  I mean obviously the Mom is demented and needs to go to jail and the kid needs to find at least a somewhat normal family.  That's obvious, so I don't even need to go into it.  I want to tackle a couple underrated aspects of this story.

First?  That poor f*cking boyfriend.  You move in with the Mom because she tells you it's your kid, then you find out that she is banging six dudes at once while you are at work.  To make matters worse, she has the daughter you think is yours, film it.  Then, I am assuming when custody issues arose, you find out the kid isn't yours from a DNA test.  That's a scenario that will gang bang your life.  How do you come back from that?



Second, how do you convince guys to get in on a gang bang with that type of ratio?  I literally do not know any man that would be willing to do that.  Sloppy seconds is like Sunday Brunch with Grandma compared to what the guys further down in the lineup got with this broad.  Bar Refaeli shouldn't be able to talk you into this idea.

Look, we've all seen stuff online and sometimes stuff pops up that you can't unsee.  6-on-1 is one of those things you can't unsee.  Why you would want to experience this first hand is way beyond me.



Anyway, just as a piece of advice for our reads, make sure you have an accessible tripod for whatever you are doing.

-Big Ran