Dude, Way to Scare the F*ck Out of Me

So, I just had the crap scared out of me.  I see a name pop up on my work phone caller ID.  I don't recognize the name, but it's in house, so I answer it.  I then hear, in a very serious tone, "Hi, it's Sol from IT..." followed by a deathly pause.  Running through my head is, "OHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT.  I'm done."  I figured with all the bizarre stuff I search for with the blog or for stupid e-mails, I'm finally done.  Or, I started some computer virus that is killing our servers and everyone's computers, just because I am watching pirated television on my computer.

Then the dude proceeds to tell me that he needs to install encryption software on my computer.  I said, "Like, right now?" Because I was actually in the middle of working, had just run a bunch of queries and was separating everything into spreadsheets.  I had a bunch of documents open and I had absolutely no warning.  So I start saving documents, when he apparently gets impatient and I see the box pop up for permission for IT to remotely control my computer.  I am trying to save, and close, while all his stupid pop up boxes are in the middle of the screen and we are fighting over control of the stupid arrow.

Also, yesterday, I happened to be working on my resume and a cover letter for another job.  Awesome.  Of course that thing is still up and I am having trouble closing it and getting the f*ck out of Microsoft Windows Dodge.  F*cking Clusterf*ck.

Finally he says, "This will require two reboots, so I'll stay with you on the phone until that is all set.  When everything gets going after the second reboot, your computer will probably run a little slowly since this software will be in the background.."  I ask if it will only be slow the first time after the reboot, and he says, "You'll see."  WTF does that mean?  Oh, I'll see?  I'll see if the spy software you put on my computer will slow me down while I try to be the Picasso of YouTube?  Bro, you're f*cking IT.  Information Technology.  Give me some God Damned information about your technology.

Also, don't scare the sh!t out of people and maybe give them a little heads up about letting them save their documents and getting job searches off their screen.

-Big Ran

Lookin' Good, Hill!

These pics were from The Daily Mail Online and they suggested that Hill looked like a Bond villain.  I can see that.  I feel like she looks like Goldfinger (or Goldmember) if they were played by Anthony Hopkins.  Do you think this even phases Bill Clinton at this point, or is he too preoccupied with chubby interns?

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head Trifecta

Dudes, I heard this jam for the first time last night after working until 9 PM.  I friggin' love 13 hour days with a 45 minute commute on each end.  KC know's what I'm talking about.  It's kind of a jam, maybe not as much in the light of day as it was when I was delirious last night, but still a jam.

On a separate, but somewhat related note, I completely picture Andre 3000 being as insane as he seems in public.  I can completely picture this dude wearing tuxes around the house or to bed, but wearing a bathrobe to a formal event.



So I guess BET is banning this video from their network.  One question:  Why?  Is it because she calls everyone a "stupid hoe?"  Is it because they say and print Super Bowl 2012 in it?  Is it because at the 2:40 mark they have that weird eye thing going on that will haunt your dreams?  Is it because the song blows?  Not sure.  PS, Nicki Minaj looks like KC's sister.



This is my jam right now and the full video will be out soon. The full song is below if you want it.

 Black Muthaf*ckin' Keys everybody!



-Big Ran

My First Nominee for 2012 World MVP

I FOUND ICE CUBES ‘GOOD DAY’

CLUE 1:
     “went to short dogs house,
       they was watching Yo MTV
       RAPS”
Yo MTV RAPS first aired:
               Aug 6th 1988
CLUE 2:
Ice Cubes single “today was a good day” released on:
               Feb 23 1993
CLUE 3:
      ”The Lakers beat the Super
       Sonics”
Dates between Yo MTV Raps air date AUGUST 6 1988 and the release of the single FEBRUARY 23 1993 where the Lakers beat the Super Sonics:
      Nov 11 1988    114-103
      Nov 30 1988    110-106
      Apr    4 1989    115-97
      Apr  23 1989    121-117
      Jan  17 1990    100-90
      Feb  28 1990    112-107
      Mar  25 1990    116-94
      Apr  17  1990    102-101
      Jan  18  1991    105-96
      Mar  24  1991    113-96
      Apr  21  1991    103-100
      Jan  20  1992    116-110
CLUE 4:
Dates of those Laker wins over SuperSonics where it was a clear day with no Smog:
                Nov 30 1988
                Apr   4  1989
                Jan 18  1991
                Jan 20  1992
CLUE 5:
     “Got a beep from Kim, and
         she can fuck all night”
beepers weren’t adopted by mobile phone companies until the 1990s. Dates left where mobile beepers were availible to public:
                 Jan 18 1991
                 Jan 20 1992
CLUE 6:
Ice Cube starred in the film “Boyz in the hood” that released late Summer of 1991, but was being filmed mid-late 1990 early 1991 and Ice Cube was busy on set filming the movie Jan 18 1991 too busy to be lounging around the streets with no plans. Ladies and Gentlemen..

The ONLY day where:
Yo MTV Raps was on air
It was a clear and smogless day
Beepers were commercially sold
Lakers beat the SuperSonics
and Ice Cube had no events to attend was…
      
          JANUARY 20 1992
      National Good Day Day

-Donovan

Awesome.  I love the dedication.  Whoever this Donovan dude is, he's on the MVP ballot now.

http://murkavenue.tumblr.com/post/16553509655/i-found-ice-cubes-good-day

-Big Ran

PS:  20th anniversary of Cube's good day was on a Friday.  Spooky, huh?

No, no, the Other Randy Moss

Yesterday was a weird day.  My wife and I finally took down all the Christmas stuff, which meant vacuuming up pine needles for about three hours, then just doing other stupid things around the house.  Essentially, the two weeks between the NFL Conference Championships and the Super Bowl, are just terrible.  In my boredom, I actually watched a few minutes of the Pro Bowl.  I am kind of mindlessly watching the game when I hear the announcer say they are kicking it down to the sideline reporter, Randy Moss.

WOAH.  WAIT.  WHAT?!  F*CKING AWESOME!

Then, they kick it to Randy.  The Randy on the right in the photo.  White Randy.  BORING.

Honestly, that's like false advertising.  I just changed the channel in disgust.  Can you imagine the real Randy Moss as a sideline report?  That would be life-changing.  I would tune into games just to watch him.  Even something terrible like an Arizona Cardinals - Cleveland Browns game would keep me riveted if it meant I would occasionally get to hear number 81.

NBC gave me blue balls.  BIG TIME.

-Big Ran

Don't Taze Me Bro!

This one had me on the edge of my seat.  I was also really torn.  On one hand, I really wanted to see him taze himself.  On the other hand, I was rooting for him at the same time.

There has to be some way to incorporate this into an office setting, right?  We had one reader e-mail us about their annoying co-worker eating carrots loudly.  Maybe you could bring in a bunch of quarters and a tazer and try to get five quarters in a cup before they finish eating.  Worst case scenario, you get to take a little tazer-induced nap.

h/t gothamist

-Big Ran

Morning Story Time Showdown

VS.







VS.



KC found these and threw them up on my "the facebook" page on Friday. Great, great find.

-Big Ran

Super Terrific Happy Hour

I think this is advice all of us can relate to and incorporate into our own lives.

"You can't make a ho a housewife. Don't try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she was born to do...Ho. Yeah...Ho."

h/t Philly Barstool

-Big Ran

Big Ran's Ridin' Dirty Playlist

OK, so my inspection sticker expired in November and I am still rocking that blue 11 (if you're from Mass, you know what I'm talking about).  I was on a long ass business trip that took me into November, and I always like to push the inspection one month every year so that it's like getting one inspection free after the first 11.  I do it just to stick it to the man a little bit.

Anyway, as soon as November 30th and December 1st roll around, one of my headlight's craps out.  No biggie, I go buy some new headlights.  However, it wasn't that simple and it turns out I needed to do a bunch more work to it in order to pass the inspection.  I don't have the time to do the work on my own and I don't have the money to pay a mechanic, so I'm kind of caught in a catch 22 here (or something like that).  So, for the last couple months I've been ridin' dirty minus the guns and drugs, unless you count Advil or prescriptions I may have picked up on the way home from work.

I have completely altered my route to work avoiding all the places I have seen cops parked before and not going through small town centers.  A couple years ago I was pulled over in Wellesley because of an expired inspection sticker at like 7:30 AM on a Saturday.  Of course, it's Wellesley, so the cops literally have nothing better to do, hence why people like me and Dee Brown get pulled over.  

In honor of staying one step ahead of the law, I present Big Ran's Ridin' Dirty Playlist...

1.  UGK - Ridin' Dirty - because they were the originators of the term "Ridin' Dirty."

2.  Snoop - Drop It Like It's Hot - When the pigs try to get at me I'm always parkin' it like its hot.



3.  Sir Mix-a-Lot - My Hooptie - because I am driving this thing into the ground



4.  War - Lowrider - because I also need new shocks and struts, so my whip rides mad low



5.  Mistah FAB - Ghost Ride It - If I roll past the popo, I duck down real low.



6.  Chamillionaire - Ridin' Dirty - Obviously.  This is last because it is sure to get stuck in your head.



-Big Ran


KC Jones' Notes: I'd like to say, this is one of Big Ran's funniest posts yet, and he doesn't need anything added to it, but I'd like to add the following songs:

7. Coolio- Fantastic Voyage- As I'm sure that it IS in fact, a fantastic voyage every time Big Ran gets in the whip and plays the back roads game. Also, there is the whole issue of Coolio mentioning he "ain't got no car" at the beginning of the vid.


8. Dr. Dre- Let Me Ride- As that will be Big Ran's plea to the po-po if they do in fact pull him over....


***Also, with Sir Mix-A-Lot's- My Hooptie- Have truer words have ever been spoken?: “Four door nightmare, truck locks’ stuck. Big dice on the mirror, grill like a truck. Lifters tickin’, accelerator’s stickin’. Somethin’ on my left front wheel keeps clickin’.”

Bravo, Big Ran, Bravo....

-KC Jones

You Ever Been in a Bar Fight, Craig?

Love the shout out to Barkley for being in a bar fight. From what I recall, he threw a dude through a plate glass window. Second of all, Ray Allen's wife had a 7 pound 12 ounce baby? Like, for real or is Ray Ray just one of KG's buddies?

-Big Ran

UPDATE:

So, it looks like Sir Charles was in three bar fights on record.  The first in Milwaukee, where he broke a dude's nose, but the charges were dropped.  The second while with the Dream Team and he got into a fight in Cleveland.  Finally, the third recorded bar fight was in Orlando, when he threw the guy through a window.

On the Ray Allen news, yes, his wife had their fourth child according to Gary Washburn of The Globe:

@gwashburn14gary washburn

Ray Allen's fourth son has been born, Wystan Ryan, congrats to the happy couple