KC Jones' Top 5 Songs That Ruin Christmas....

...in my humble opinion.

5. "Little Saint Nick"- The Beach Boys


 I don't know if it's the fact that some of the high pitched notes can only be heard by dogs, or my general disdain for "The Beach Boys", but this song makes me want to punch babies and kick puppies....

4. "Santa Baby"- BY ANYONE


Hate isn't a strong enough word. Add Madonna to the mix and I'm in a blind rage. Why is she even singing a Christmas song? At age 50-something, she hasn't even decided on a religion or an accent yet! Also, no need to bring sex and Santa Claus together you whores!

3. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"- Again, BY ANYONE...

...but particularly by The Jackson 5. The shouldn't have been singing Christmas or any holiday songs as they were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses and therefore do not celebrate. I guess dollar signs trumped religious ties as far as Joe and Katherine were concerned. Again, why are we sexualizing (is that even a word?) Santa Claus?? FAIL!

2. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"

Seriously? The voice is so enraging that I'd rather slide down a cactus plant than listen to it. Also, nobody wants a hippopotamus for Christmas, or for any other holiday.

1. "War Is Over"

First she ruins "The Beatles", and then she puts her grubby paws into the mix and ruins Christmas. When I hear this song, it doesn't put me into a festive mood, it actually makes me depressed. The actual music video starts at the 6:10 mark and it's full of morbid, depressing, and horrific images. I fail to see the connection to Christmas. I fail to understand why the radio stations play it after Rudolph and before Feliz Navidad. I fail to understand why John Lennon and Yoko were so obnoxious, greasy, and hairy. It should be mentioned here that I DESPISE "The Beatles" and am not afraid to say it. I respect their robotic, head bobbing place in musical history, but I hate them...however, I hate this song far worse.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and may you all avoid these songs over the next few days!

P.S. I would have included "Dominic The Donkey" here, but I didn't even want to give it any validation as an actual song.

P.P.S. I was going to do a supplemental post to Big Ran's Top 5 Christmas Songs, naming my own, but then got this idea and he supported it, raising a very valid point that I misinterpreted (read from the bottom up down below) and we almost got a friendship divorce:

From: Big Ran
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:47 PM
To: KC Jones
Subject: RE:

 

No, you misunderstand.  I mean, what else would you need to your personal top five?  That’s why a worst list is a great idea.

Damn, woman.

From: KC Jones
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:45 PM
To: Big Ran
Subject: RE:

Dude, Wham’s Last Christmas is the ONLY song you need at Christmas! Blasphemy I tell you! The baby Jesus would be devastated to read such a hurtful comment!

From: Big Ran
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:43 PM
To: KC Jones
Subject: RE:

I like that a lot.  Other than Wham, what do you need?

From: KC Jones
Sent: Thursday, December 22, 2011 1:43 PM
To: Big Ran
Subject: RE:

Actually, should I do the Top 5 WORST Christmas Songs of all time? (In my opinion and then you can add?)

-KC Jones

Holy Sh!t, LeVar Burton is Awesome!

I screen grabbed the sh!t out of this.

Investigative journalism is not dead!  In my in depth research for my last blog post, I googled LeVar Burton because I wasn't sure how to spell his first name.  Well, you're all welcome because check this sh!t out:

Raise your hand if you knew LeVar Burton was in the "Word Up" video...Bueller?  Bueller?  Yeah, didn't think so.  Here are some other highlights from his Wikipedia page, which I take as Gospel:

Burton was born to American parents at the U.S. Army Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in West Germany. His mother, Erma Jean (née Christian), was a social worker, administrator, and educator. His father, Levardis Robert Martyn Burton, was a photographer for the U.S. Army Signal Corps, and at the time was stationed at Landstuhl.  Burton and his two sisters were raised by his mother in Sacramento, California.  Burton was raised Catholic and, at the age of thirteen, entered St. Pius X seminary in Galt, California to become a priest.  He attended Christian Brothers High School and graduated in the class of 1974. He is a graduate of University of Southern California's School of Theatre.


How about that?  How do they let kids study to become priests at 13?  Talk about Bad Idea Jeans.  All thirteen year olds want to do is jerk off and dream of finding their Dad's stash of Playboys, not praying all day and taking vows of poverty and celibacy.


That little early life bio was the big one in addition to the "Word Up" bombshell, but while we all know Burton was the host of "Reading Rainbow," he was also the executive producer.  That's big time.  He is married (to the woman below) and has a 17 year old daughter.

CUE THE MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Big Ran

PS: I bet someone could make a sweet remix of this jam. I would buy that on Amazon for $0.49.

Big Ran's Top Five Christmas Songs

5.  Eric Cartman - Oh Holy Night



I was torn with posting the original show version where Cartman keeps getting tazed or the album version.  I went with the album version because let's face it, studio cuts are always going to be better than a live performance.

4.  Sleigh Ride



This is a bit more of a classic choice here and you have to LOVE the video.  I don't think it would be possible for there to be more mustaches in this video unless they filmed a NAMBLA convention.

3.  Kurtis Blow - Christmas Rap



KC introduced me to this one and when you see my #1 choice you will understand why this is on here.

2.  Elvis - Blue Christmas



I can do a mean rendition of this song.  It looks like Elvis was a bit past his prime in this video, but you know he was still crushing both donuts and p*ssy at this point.

1.  Run D.M.C - Christmas in Hollis



If you don't like this song, you might as well pack your bags and move to Communist Russia.  Or North Korea, that should be a stable and inviting environment for a while.  I have LOVED this song ever since I saw it on Reading Rainbow (LeVar Burton up in this bitch!).  The only thing that keeps this from scoring a perfect 100 is that creepy as f*ck elf in the beginning.  That little f*cker will haunt your dreams.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and Happy New Year to everyone!

-Big Ran

I'd Be Pissed Off Too

APPLETON — Police say a drunken woman repeatedly choked her 11-year-old daughter on 

Sunday after becoming angered by the poor play of the Green Bay Packers.

The 36-year-old Grand Chute woman was charged Monday in Outagamie County Court with

 felony child abuse and misdemeanor counts of bail jumping and disorderly conduct. 

Police were called about 8:15 p.m. Sunday to a Grand Chute hotel where the girl told police 

her mother grabbed her by the neck during the football game. The woman was drinking alcohol 

and became upset because the team was losing. 

The girl said that after the Packers lost 19-14 to the Kansas City Chiefs, her mother choked her

 again with enough force that the girl couldn’t breathe, and asked her, “Do you want to die?” the

 criminal complaint says.

Police saw red marks and scratches on the girl’s neck.

The Post-Crescent is not naming the woman to protect the identity of the child.

The child abuse charge carries a maximum sentence of 12½ years of imprisonment and 

$25,000 in fines. The woman could face up to nine months in jail if convicted of bail jumping 

and 90 days on the disorderly conduct  count. She is being held in jail on a $2,500 cash bond.

Look, I am not about to endorse child abuse, but I do think there are some special circumstances

here.  I remember how I felt after the Patriots lost in the Super Bowl on their quest to go 19 - 0; I 

was down, I just felt empty.  My buddy Danny was honestly depressed.  He gave up on sports 

altogether and didn't watch any sporting event for over two years.

And that's the thing; if you don't deal with your emotions right away, they just fester until it all boils 

over.  

This past Sunday, the Green Bay Packers headed into a game against the lowly Kansas City Chiefs 

in search of win number 14 and extending their perfect season, only to look terrible and throw history 

down the drain.  If Packer Mom here didn't vent her emotions, who knows what would have happened.  

She may have gone on a killing spree.  This way, she just choked out her daughter a bit, gets it over 

with and can move on to week 16 of the NFL season.

Maybe the 11 year old should get some Jujitsu lessons from Christmas.  That's the one where you 

use your opponent's force, strength, and weight against them, right?  I would imagine that would be 

the way to go because I picture this Packer Mom coming in at two and a half bills.

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head - Stuck in My Office Edition

I am one of three people in my office today so it's good to have an upbeat jam to get the loins going.  This isn't my usual type of tune, but this gets me pretty amped.  Amped to do expense reports and find ways to kill a few more hours.

I can't complain since I don't work tomorrow, so if you do, may God have mercy on your soul.

-Big Ran

Lunchtime Look-a-like

The Celtics made their preseason debut on Sunday, only about 2 months late due to the lockout. Anyway, as you all know, I just adore Rasheed Wallace and haven't been the same since he retired. However, I will always take consolation in knowing that he played in Boston for a season and came up big when it counted. However, imagine my surprise when I thought he was back on the court, playing with the Celts against the Toronto Raptors. I was overjoyed, and puzzled...how did I not hear about this? I'm usually on top of NBA news. I didn't hear about it, because it didn't happen....and I realized it wasn't him, sad face.

Chris Wilcox

'Sheed

 Nope, it was Chris Wilcox, a new addition to the Celtics since the lockout was settled. I don't have too much to say about 'Cox yet (like that? I mean, we called Rasheed, 'Sheed, so I'm just trying to remain consistent), but I will say that he reminds me of the man who coined the phrase, "Ball Don't Lie"!

-Both played for the Detroit Pistons at one point in their careers
-I've now witnessed each of them pleading their cases with the refs during games
-They look very similar (they aren't twins, but there are STRIKING similarities).
-Notice the 'sun' tattoos on each of their right arms as well....just sayin'....

The words of Big Ran below, after I mentioned my thought to him, clearly validated that, unlike the Ghetto Boys,  my mind was not playing tricks on me:

From: Big Ran
Sent: Tuesday, December 20, 2011 10:30 AM
To: KC Jones
Subject: RE: here he is

Also, I saw a replay of the Celts game from Sunday and when Wilcox jumped up from the bench at one point I really thought it was Sheed for a second.

Chris Wilcox

Rashhhhheeeeeeeed Wallllllace!

 For me, the NBA Season kicking off on Christmas Day is one of the biggest gifts of all...however, I have to admit, it's slightly bittersweet with Rasheed no longer in the league. Love him or hate him, (and you SHOULD love him), he's one of a kind!

Just a little something to help get you into the holiday spirit!

-KC Jones

Tuesday Trivia....

So, after my "Last Christmas" post and "Wham!" shout out, you are all aware of my great love for the group. It's only appropriate that today's "Tuesday Trivia" post concerns the lesser known of the duo, Andrew Ridgeley. Specifically, what ever happened to him after Wham! ended?  If you've wondered about this, here's your answer:

Then

He has deliberately eschewed the showbiz limelight and spends his time playing golf and surfing while his millions earn interest in the bank.

It was in 1994 that Ridgeley quit the London scene with Bananarama sex kitten Keren Woodward  and her son Tom to live in a converted 15th century farm house.

When he does surface, it is to campaign for environmental causes, in particular safer, cleaner water.

While Andrew and George are still close friends, their lives have gone in dramatically different directions since Wham! disbanded in 1986.

After an ill-fated attempt at a solo career, Andrew decided to remain behind the scenes as a songwriter to other artists.

To read the complete article, as this is just a part of it, click here .

Now

P.S. I'm not the only one who is committed to keeping "Last Christmas" in heavy rotation- Big Ran just emailed me with the following information:

-----Original Message-----

From: Big Ran

Sent: Tuesday, December 20, 2011 1:21 PM

To: KC Jones

Subject: RE:

Also, on the way back, one of my friends goes, "You guys want to hear my

favorite Christmas song?"  She presses play and it is Wham!  She said it

is her favorite Christmas song and it makes her Mom cry every time.

And I think we all know why this is the best song ever; because G-Michael's voice sounds like a combination of both Fergie and Jesus....BEST DAY EVER!

-KC Jones

Office Etiquette/I Hate People...Revolving Doors

This will be a quick post as it's very specific and about one issue; revolving doors. It's also unique in that it is a hybrid post; it will address office etiquette as well my hatred for people. It wasn't a planned post, just something that came to mind after I was almost mortally wounded while using one as I entered my POE this morning. Just a couple of guidelines (as I've seen some pretty random things happening with them in my time here):

If these kids can get the hang of it, why can't adults?

1. One person at a time (Part One): Do not attempt to go into the same section of the door as another person unless you are conjoined twins. If you are conjoined twins, you probably shouldn't have to work in this sort of environment anyway. And if you do, please make sure you are in sync in regards to your walking pace.

2. One person at a time (Part Two): Do not 'cut' in front of someone to get in the door first. It revolves, you will have your turn momentarily, and if you are that excited about it, remember, you can walk around and around in it all day long just like a hamster in a wheel. And if you're THAT excited about getting into your POE, I think you should probably seek psychiatric care ASAP.

3. Keep the Pace: This is the issue that prompted my post. I hopped into the revolving door this morning and was pushing it as necessary to get into the building. The Brawny Man hopped in in back of me and pushed the door so damn hard I went flying forward and almost tripped. No joke. I turned around and looked at him like I was a wild jungle animal about to maul his face off. He then proceeded to basically dry hump me the whole way down the hall and onto the elevators. He had no concept of personal space and clearly couldn't read social cues as I shot eye daggers his way.

The revolving door is a very simple concept as far as I'm concerned and if you follow the rules above, there should never be an issue in using it safely and without offending others.

-KC Jones

Thrill of Victory and Agony of Defeat

After a bunch of rumored deals, David "The Godfather" Stern eventually relented and let the Chris Paul deal go through with the LA Clippers.  In the video below you can clearly see DeAndre Jordan, Blake Griffin, and Caron Butler getting fired up for "Lob City:"



Chris Paul looks happy at the press conference and said all the right things.  However, there is a bit of a contrast between Chris Paul and his new teammates and the guys he was swapped for...

Chris Kaman, minutes after he was released from a North Korean prison following Kim Jong Il's death.

This picture is downright sad.  Eric Gordon (middle), genuinely looks like he is going to cry.

While I don't agree with what Stern did to the Hornets - Lakers - Rockets deal, I am super pumped that the Lake Show didn't get Chris Paul.  Not only that, but that had to give up Lamar Kardashian for absolutely nothing.  They now have to rely on Metta World Peace as their starting power forward.  At least he didn't loose his teeth in his 20s.

-Big Ran

PS:  If Melissa Rohlin can get a job with the LA times and go to Lakers training camp, how does KC not have a job for life with the Boston Globe?

Irrational Rant...Office Christmas Parties

'Tis the moooooooost awkward time of the year!

This is the week everyone!  The week for office Christmas parties!  Woo hoo!  Crappy baked goods?  Check.  Awkward conversation?  Check.  Weirdos in your office getting up on their high horse about organizing a party 99% of people would rather skip and just go home early?  Check.

Office Christmas Parties are honestly the bane of my existence.  I am referring specifically to the super-awkward ones you will have within your department.  There is always the person who takes it upon themselves to organize it and takes themselves way to seriously.  Doling out instructions and orders and feeling very important because they are most likely the dumbest and least influential person in your department.  That's who organizes ours.  Every year I request that day off and every year I get rejected because we all need to be there for the party.  Look, I know I am charming and handsome, but I think you'll be able to do without the guy making sarcastic remarks throughout the entire party.

The last four years at my current P.O.E. we have had a Yankee Swap, which honestly frustrates me more than probably anything on the planet.  I think it has always been about a $20 limit  and I would always take time to think about an sweet gift.  My first year at this job I wasn't sure how people rolled, so I got a $20 gift card to Best Buy.  I thought that was pretty good because it would be easy to re-gift, or go buy yourself a movie or some music.  Nope, people were literally talking sh!t about it while passing it around.  F*CK YOU.

So, the second year I got something more tangible, a pretty sweet office desk/pen holder/frame thing that would be good for the office.  Nope, apparently that sucked too.

In year three I knew we had a ton of germ-o-phobes in the office so I got a no-touch soap or hand sanitizing dispenser.  That was actually a big hit and I tried to take it back before someone else eventually sniped it.

However, not all people take any time to think about the gift, put in any effort, or spend any actual money.  Here's a piece of advice:  IF YOU DON'T WANT TO PARTICIPATE, DON'T.  JUST STAND ON THE SIDELINES RATHER THAN GOING THROUGH YOUR BASEMENT OR DESK THE MORNING OF THE PARTY.

My first year I got a clearly re-gifted set of "Irish Coffee Mugs."  When I got home and showed my wife she said, "Put them right in the recycle bin."  I only regret not selling the copper like a meth addict.  This is exactly what they looked like:

My second year I received, again clearly re-gifted, partridge in a pear tree ornaments.  When I got home, my wife told me to put them right in the trash.

For my third year I ended up with a Christmas mug with sugar cookie mix.  For real.

So, last year I decided to stick it to the man, went to Big Lots and got was later affectionately deemed the "1980s Single Lady Night In Gift Set."  It contained one package of microwave popcorn, Flipz, a bottle of three buck chuck from Trader Joe's, and season four of MacGyver on DVD.  My friend ended up with it, so I took the gift from her at the end.  I just wanted to prove a point.

This year, I finally succeeded in getting rid of the Yankee Swap and a bunch of us worked with an organization to buy Christmas Gifts for kids in a couple of families in the Boston area.  However, the nutbags that run our party not only didn't get in on that, but held their own Secret Santa AND are forcing us to decorate Gingerbread Houses during the party.  The best part?  People aren't allowed to bring their kids.  So, you are having adults decorate gingerbread houses, but kids can't come.  F*cking bizarro world.

I will be constructing the most offensive gingerbread structure possible, I give you my word.  I was thinking either the Gingerbread Playboy Grotto or a Gingerbread Abortion Clinic (too much?).  Not sure which one yet.

-Big Ran

A Sad Day for Crazy Communist Dictators Everywhere

Feb 16, 1942 - December 17th, 2011

Pour out a little goryangju tonight and que the music...

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

Year round, I find the following song "Stuck In My Head". However, with Christmas less than a week away, I figure this is a very appropriate post for right now. This might be one of my favorite songs of all time....no, not my favorite Christmas song, but one of my favorite songs PERIOD (just ask anyone unfortunate enough to have been at my house this past weekend!). The song is great, but I think the video is what really does it for me and cements its place as the best  4 minutes and 38 seconds in history. Pay attention to the singing, the stress on the 's' sounds, and everything that is going on in the video, because I won't be able to adequately comment on all of it. So, without further adieu, I'd like to present , "Wham!'s", "Last Christmas" with my running commentary:



The first 17 seconds really set the mood and provides an appropriate setting for a song about Christmas.

Seconds 19-32- the longest 'waving' sequence in history, accompanied by some of the most stylish cold weather clothing of the early 1980's, including the first appearance of George Michael's warm winter hat....it looks so fluffy and warm...oh wait, that's his hair? Yesssssssss....

Seconds 33 through the one minute mark; an awkward eye exchange between G-Mike and the "Lady in Red"...followed by more holiday greetings, awesome coats, and even more awesome hairstyles. Away we go on the monorail! Is this Disney World or The Alps?

1:00-1:50- Again, what festive scenery, and what huge duffel bags! Nice tinsel scarf George! Uh oh, another awkward interaction between our boy and the lady now in mustard. And, the creepiest spoken word/sung vocals on the track, the whispered, "Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and sent it, with a note saying I love you I meant it"....this line coincides PERFECTLY with the shot of the 'merry' grown man carrying in a stack a wood a toddler could easily handle all while having tinsel thrown at him playfully by other grown men, all of whom have luxurious mullets as well! Apparently this lady is a bit of tramp as she is with another man this Christmas...must be why they brought her on the trip! 

1:50- Frolicking in the snow! YAY! 1:55 is something I wish I could get framed for my living room. I can't distinguish between his hair and the actual trim of the hood he is sporting.

2:00- I'm so confused. Why is a cake with sparklers making an appearance? I thought this was a song about Christmas, not about the 4th of July?  Look at all the hair in this video and all of the outrageous wardrobe choices. So many sweaters, so many putrid colors, so many fun activities, and SO many serious conversations (George isn't f-ing around at the 2:20 mark!). So, clearly, there's a 'situation' here and he's clearly recollecting his "Lasssssst Chrissssstmasssssssss" with her from the other end of the table. Luckily, her perfectly styled, triangular shaped hairdo is protecting her from his intense stare. And then she has to start playing with 'the pin'....clearly what he must have sent with the note! It's all coming together now just in time for the flashback to "Last Christmas" at the 3 minute mark!

3:00- Who plays in the snow with full length wool dress coats? Also, who has better hair, him or her? This might be why they ended up breaking up! Guess we have to continue watching to know for sure....and 3:15...BINGO! The pin! What girl DOESN'T want a nice piece of costume jewelry to adorn her lapel? One mystery solved! I also have no idea where they are all walking to in the snow, but I do know that I'm LOVING the woman who is wearing a coat that looks like a couch.

And the video ends the same way it began...and I'm left sitting here, having to draw my own conclusions. So, I'll do my best:

She obviously dumped him because of the horribly tacky gift he presented to her OR he dumped her when he realized that she was all hugged up with one of his friends. Most likely, it was the first scenario. Then, his friend doesn't subscribe to the age old "Bros Before Hoes" mantra and snatches up George's sloppy seconds.  Either that, or she caught a glimpse of George in the "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" video and realized her legs couldn't compete with his when wearing hot pants.



Whatever the case, I am left confused but so thankful that a group like Wham! existed during my childhood. These songs are the soundtrack of my life and although they are wishing us a Merry Christmas and extending a "Thank You" at the end of the video, it is us who owe them a sincere "Thank You".

P.S. There will be a future post about "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" during which I will be looking for suggestions as to why George was wearing a "Choose Life" T-Shirt. I simply cannot disrespect either of these masterpieces by not giving each of them their OWN post.

P.P.S. Was Wham! ever really a group? George never needed Andrew Ridgeley, did he?

P.P.P.S: If you don't like Wham!, I don't like you and you belong on a Terror Watch List.

-KC Jones

Fat Guy in a Little.....Car....

So, law enforcement is concerned with texting and driving, talking and driving, drinking and driving, and with all forms of distracted driving. These are all valid concerns and should be taken seriously. However, I think it's time someone called attention to another dangerous trend that's been flying (or, in this case, driving) under the radar for far too long. I'm not sure of the technical term, or if there is one yet, but it has to do with people driving the wrong sized vehicles for their bodies.

Yup! You read that correctly! Lately, I have noticed a ridiculous amount of large people jammed into compact vehicles such as PT Cruisers, Volkswagen Beetles, and Smart Cars, while, on the other hand, I have noticed many small people (barely) peering over the dashboards of Escalades, F-150's, and other SUVs. What is going on with this?

First of all, it's hilarious. I love seeing a short man pulling himself up into the seat of a large truck using all of his upper body strength. And then, 9 times out of 10, he gets on the road and starts driving like a complete a-hole, further proving he is suffering from a debilitating case of the Napoleon complex. And tiny little women driving huge SUVs?? Come on ladies! Do you actually want to give the dreaded, "Damn women drivers!" insult validity? Because you're doing a good job when you're behind the wheel of a vehicle that you can barely navigate without sitting on a few phone books while pulling all sorts of muscles as you strain to reach the brake pedal.

On the other end of the spectrum, and possibly even funnier are the large people who pour themselves into tiny cars. I kid you not- I'm leaving the gym the other day, and this large(tall and just all around big) man is leaving at the same time. He is shimmying his very large frame into a PT Cruiser. Ok, so once he finally gets in there, I'm wondering: 1. How is he getting out?, 2. If there's an accident and the airbag deploys, will he be decapitated?, and 3. Is he bald because his head is constantly rubbing against the roof of the car as he drives? I've been noticing this particular scenario more and more lately. Maybe it's because people are being more cost conscious and trying to use less gas....but they are forgetting a nice Honda Accord or Toyota Camry would allow very respectable MPG numbers while giving them room to move around while avoiding the risk of having their circulation cut off by a seat belt that fits more like a vice than a safety harness.

Just a quick little post to address this concern. I think the drivers in both cases are missing the point; to look smaller, get a larger vehicle...and to look bigger, get a smaller vehicle. It's kind of  like with clothing; if you want to look smaller, you're not going with the big, loud prints.....

By the way, am I the only person who thinks of this clip when seeing these types of situations?




P.S. People who drive "Smart" Cars should be exiled from all major roadways, but that's another topic for a future post.

-KC Jones

Bad Touch

OK, so Jerry Sandusky has a new lawyer and this guy is really bringing some ideas to the table.

"Some of these kids don't have basic hygiene skills. Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 sounds strange to some people, but people who work with troubled youth will tell you there are a lot of juvenile delinquents and people who are dependent who have to be taught basic life skills like how to put soap on their body."

I don't know about you, but if I ever had to be in a position where kids and water were involved, be it a bath, a shower, or a sprinkler, bathing suits are being worn by the kids. That's just a fact. Additionally, my wife works in a middle school and if a kid with a tough home life or some special needs had any hygiene issues, they wouldn't rush them off to the locker room for a hands-on demonstration. They give them the soap, or deodorant, and tell them to try that at home.

With that said, check out this Irish Spring Commercial from 1979:



A few things on that video...

First, its good to see homo erotic commercials were still alive and well in the year of my birth.

Second, there is some SERIOUS chest hair going on.

Third, if that hairy blonde dude doesn't look like a young Jerry Sandusky, I'll eat my shirt. So, I'm not telling the defense lawyers how to do their job, but I think they could argue that by being in this commercial, Jerry Sandusky thought homo eroticism and showering went hand-in-hand. Then, they go for a class action lawsuit against Irish Spring and their homo erotic commercials.

I didn't even go to law school and that's better than any defense they have come up with so far.

-Big Ran

Wimpy Wednesday Showdown

Chris Daughtry (I refuse to call him just Daughtry because really, who the f*ck does he think he is ?) cover of "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga:



VS.

Linkin Park covering "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele



My vote for the most uncomfortable cover goes to Linkin Park. It just makes me feel like Jerry Sandusky has his arm around me.

PS: KC loves both of these dudes/bands...not a good look.

PPS: Poker face? Don't mind if I do. Ha, jokes.

-Big Ran

KC Jones Comments: First of all, it should be noted that I did not say I "LOVE" Daughtry. I did say, and will continue to say, that I really like him and his band. I do, however, LOVE Linkin Park. Ain't no shame in my game. If I liked Nickelback, or, if I liked either of these covers, I could understand Big Ran's concern. Although I really like Daughtry and love LP, what they are doing here makes me feel like I am in a deep depression (I, however, do not have the Sandusky issues that Big Ran speaks of).

P.S. Big Ran, I think we need to explore the root of your deep seated hatred for Chris Daughtry. Is this because you didn't get past auditions on American Idol and he did? I mean, seriously, after this performance, did you REALLY think they were going to keep you?

Tuesday Motivation

I can't believe it's only Tuesday.  It feels like next Wednesday.

-Big Ran

KC Jones comments: This is easily one of my favorite tunes of all time. Gets me every time.

Tuesday Trivia....

It's been a while since we've had a "Tuesday Trivia" posting, and Sunday, when I was watching the Patriots almost lose to the Washington Redskins, a questions came to mind:

Why are there all of these fans wearing pig noses?? Doesn't seem very complimentary, and it's a question that has actually run through my mind before, so I've decided to research it.

Here's one of the answers I found, written by a Mr. John McKinzie, a self declared Redskins expert (not in those exact words, but check him out, I think we can trust him....he's kind of a big deal)


 

Answer

I guess you are referring to the infamous fans wearing hog noses and dresses. In 1982, Offensive line coach, Joe Bugel, called his offensive lineman, "hogs". The reason the nickname stuck was that the Redskins became very successful running the ball. The sports media picked up on it and because they had a very successful year winning the Super Bowl, the nickname, "Hogs", became synomonous with Redskins' offensive linemen.

The Reskins' cheerleaders are called the "Redskinettes". A small group of men decided to dress up in dresses as mock cheerleaders for "The Hogs" and called themselves "The Hoggettes". They have since been a big part of Redskin history. The Hoggettes raise thousands of dollars every year for charities.

Even though the original "Hogs" have since retired, some in the sports media still make references to the Redskins' offensive linemen as "Hogs." And many fans still buy and wear hog noses to games as an honor to those players.

Ironically, when Joe Gibbs decided to return to the Redskins as their head coach, he also brought back Joe Bugel to coach the offensive line. Bugel refused to call the current linemen, "Hogs" and gave them the nickname, "Dirtbags."

I hope this helps and, if you need more information or have any more questions, please feel free to ask me anytime.

Thanks again,
John McKinzie

So, I guess it all makes sense now. Nice to know that these idiots are at least making money for charities, because truthfully, I just think it's ridiculous. BUT, we all know that if they were to dress up like Indians, someone would start crying....racism....give me a God damn break...


P.S. Did anyone see Tommy B's breakdown on the bench? Looks like somebody has a raging case of PMS! That being said, here's a first at "The Takeover"...I'd like to commend Tommy for his humble and appropriate response when asked about this heated exchange after the game. You can be sure that he was sincere and that this will not affect his relationship w/ the coaching staff. We're not dealing w/ a Larry Johnson, a Randy Moss, or a T.O. here. Although he IS Gisele's little lapdog and irks me when he's out gallivanting with her, the man is a consummate professional. He always has been. It's unfortunate that there are so few professional athletes like him out there. I just wish he had stuck w/ Bridget Moynihan. Seriously.

-KC Jones

Ain't Gon' Hurt Nobody/Early Lunchtime Look-a-Like...

So, as I've mentioned, I don't follow football very closely. However, I was fortunate enough to have caught 'the incident' during the Patriots/Redskins game on Sunday. This isn't a post to discuss the incident...it's a post to touch upon a situation I noticed after the interception that sparked the argument....

What could I possibly be referring to, you ask?

This:

YUP! Tiquan Underwood of the New England Patriots. When I saw him on the sideline after the interception, I just couldn't even believe what I was seeing. LOOK AT THAT HAIR!

These pictures are not doctored at all. If anything, they don't adequately capture the depth of his 'do.

I was left with several questions:

1. How did I not notice this sooner?
2. How does he wear a helmet?
3. Is he related to "Kid" from "Kid and Play" of rap and "House Party" movie fame?
4. Will he ever sport the braids that Kid sported from time to time?

-KC Jones

Are You Ready For Some B-Ball?

God knows I am! Now that the overpaid babies on both sides have finished with their pissing contest, it's looking like a Christmas Miracle will be occurring on December 25th in the form of an NBA Marathon! Yes-sireee! Five games back to back to back to back to back....starting at noon, winding down around midnight EST. While you all know that I am obsessed with the sport itself and have been since I was conceived, I also find the news surrounding the players/coaches/etc extremely entertaining and intriguing as well. So, without further adieu, I'd like to present a partial list of non game related story lines I will be following this hoops season:

The current and former Mr. Kardashians

1. The Kardashian Factor: Now that Kim and Kris have been married and divorced (as I predicted!), and Khloe and Lamar are still going strong (which is actually pretty cool as far as I'm concerned), I'm interested in seeing the interactions between the former and current Mr. Kardashians on the court. I'm also very curious to see if Kimmy shows up at any of the games, and, even better, if the boy crazy middle Kardashian sister will start dating another NBA player (since I have warned her to stay away from my love Reggie Bush). I'm wondering where Kris Humphries is going to end up. I think it would be awesome if he ended up Lamar in Dallas, but Dallas has a title to defend, and God knows KH won't help with that. Does anyone beside me have a feeling that Kris Jenner is probably hammering out a business plan that will allow the family to buy a franchise sooner rather than later?

We've seen his stroke, and it's all flame.

2.  Mark Cuban: After years of facing fines and disciplinary action from the League for being the BEST and most passionate owner in the NBA (for God's sake--the dude was on Dancing With The Stars!), I am dying to see how Cuban ups the ante this season after his team put a choke hold on the Lakers in the WCF and then putting the Heat to bed easily in the Finals. Like every championship team, the Mavs are facing the haters/doubters/skeptics, but the difference is, Mark Cuban will play along, baiting them and mouthing off every step of the way. I think I speak for both Big Ran and myself when I say that he's definitely on the list of peeps I'd love to hang out with. As a matter of fact, I might just join Twitter to keep up with some of this guy's awesome commentary....we will be sure to offer commentary after we attend the Celtics/Mavs matchup in January. We are hoping that Cubes will be there. (And Big Ran's hero, Jason "The Jet" Terry).

3. World Peace: Yes, you read that correctly. One of the things I'm always looking forward to are the antics of Ron "Metta World Peace" Artest. Specifically, I am anxiously awaiting his debut this season in what I can only guess will be a jersey with his new name on it. ESPN.com already has him listed under his new name. Between this, the crazy designs/colors he's put into his hair over the years, his general emotional and psychiatric instability, this man should have a reality show. His wife is included in the current installment of "Basketball Wives" on VH1, but the man, the myth, and the legend is nowhere to be found. KC Jones is calling foul!

4. Craig Sager: Every Thursday night, I have a date with my couch (or bed) and the doubleheaders on TNT. I look forward to seeing analyst Craig Sager and all of his ridiculous outfits (specifically his busy/blinding/and borderline seizure inducing suit coats). Every time I think he can't get more ridiculous, he does. And, the night becomes even more special when he's interviewing players who call attention to it. If only the players had taken the cue from Sager when that ass hat David Stern instituted a dress code, we'd all be in a better place right now. Please note that the picture on the left was not in celebration of Easter, Spring, or anything out of the ordinary. This is a completely 'normal' selection for him.

5. The Unveiling of Greg Oden's Birth Certificate: I remember when people were all up in arms about seeing Obama's birth certificate in an attempt to verify citizenship. However, I think a more important birth certificate has been flying under the radar for about 4 years now (specifically since the 2007 NBA draft). There is no way on God's green earth that this man is really only almost 24. Has anyone even SEEN him? I mean, even without his brittle bones, look at him....does this look like a man in his early 20's? At first, I was optimistic that this was a "Benjamin Button" type situation, but the guy is not getting younger as the years pass. Somebody in the NBA League office dropped the ball as far as age verification is concerned...somebody who hates Portland and maybe even the entire state of Oregon. I thought you could only red shirt one year in college? How did this guy get away with red shirting 2 decades?  I'm so confused!  I'm PRETTY sure any All-Star from the 80's could come back looking younger and with less health issues than this poor guy. (And, on a side note, if you are part of the OKC Thunder organization, how do you adequately thank God on a daily basis for making sure you ended up with Durant?). Anyway, I just have a feeling this might be the season we find out that G.O. is really 42.....dyslexia happens.
**Also, as a side note; what in the world could the city of Portland done wrong to cause the seemingly permanent streak of bad luck they are suffering from? Remember, it's not just the current state of affairs...this dates all the way back to the days of the "Jail Blazers!" (Love you Sheed! xoxo)

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

-KC Jones