Who Has Two Thumbs and Loves Chinese Food? This Guy! Well, most people, except those without thumbs (making chopsticks more difficult).

I hope Joe Biden crushed all those Chinese beers on the table with that dude, I mean, what else does a Vice President have to do?

-Big Ran

Stuck in My Head

I can't explain this one, but it's not too bad.  it's kind of a good morning summer jam.  I bet the beach boys had plenty of tripods because if you watch this video, there's no way these dudes didn't have huge orgies.  Did you know that wine was invented by the Romans...for orgies?

-Big Ran

OH MY F*#%$&$ GAWD!

Yup, that's simmering placenta

I made it through about two paragraphs of this story before I started to dry heave.  Without exaggerating, I started heading for the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up.  This is, without a doubt, the most disgusting thing I have ever read in my life.

Go to the story at your own risk, I can't in good conscience publish it here:  New York Magazine.  

-Big Ran

We've already covered Bosh's crazy ass tattoo, so we had to have the update with his useless explanation (via Bastketball Jones):

Bosh: I mean it’s ummm … I like art. You know, so it was pretty much just a collage of everything that I like and a lot of it, all of it has meaning. A lot of history. My history, it’s my history. Everything has, you know … it’s not done yet. It’s a work in progress, so people are “Ohh, what’s that? It’s ugly.”

Interviewer: Is there a little spot open for the NBA championship trophy?

Bosh: Yeah, I mean, it worked for Jason Terry. I might as well do it too.

If you can't explain why you got a tattoo, never mind a back full of random tattoos, it probably wasn't a good idea.  Just sayin'.

-Big Ran


PS:  The NBA needs to end this lockout asap.

Stuck in My Head

Ever since I posted the Danvers wedding brawl post, I can't get "The Stoke" out of my head and that is AWESOME.  This song friggin' rules.  It's Friday.  Turn up the computer speakers and blast some BILLY F*CKING SQUIER!

A little Billy Squier info fo yo minds:

Billy Squier was born in WELLESLEY, MA!  Wow, that just blew my mind.  I heard a radio interview with him a few years back and when he signed his record deal it was for something crazy like eight records.  So he had some early hits, but really felt the pressure of coming up with material all the time.

From Wikipedia:  In 2002, he married Nicole, a professional German soccer player. They divide their time between a home on Long Island and an apartment in the famous San Remo on Central Park West in Manhattan. Billy Squier is an active volunteer for the Central Park Conservancy, doing the hands-on "dirty work" by maintaining 20 acres (81,000 m²) of the park, as well as promoting the Conservancy in articles and interviews. He also supports the Group for the East End and its native planting programs on eastern Long Island.

Big Ran's Nominee for Mother of the Year

First of all, anytime you can embed a YouTube video and the opening image is "GANG BANG," you have to do it.  Secondly, this story is absolutely blowing my mind.  Here's the Big Ran Cliff Notes if you can't watch YouTube at work or if the idea of a gang bang video at work doesn't feel right.

Mom (I use that term loosely.  Pun not intended but awesome if you get it.  Gross.) had multiple gang bangs with six dudes at the same time and had her six year old daughter film them on a cell phone.  She did them when her live-in boyfriend was at work.  The same boyfriend who Mom told that the girl was his daughter, but it turns out she wasn't.

I really don't know where to start on this one, so I will start here:  Cell phone video?  Really?  If you're going to have a gang bang and film it, at least step it up and get one of those HD Flip Cams.  You are going to want to save this for posterity.  It's obviously something you wanted your daughter to share with you, so at least get some quality video.  None of that grainy Zapruder film sh!t.

I kid, I kid.  One of the YouTube commentors nails it with this:  Answer to this problem = tripod.  I couldn't have said it any better than that.  I mean obviously the Mom is demented and needs to go to jail and the kid needs to find at least a somewhat normal family.  That's obvious, so I don't even need to go into it.  I want to tackle a couple underrated aspects of this story.

First?  That poor f*cking boyfriend.  You move in with the Mom because she tells you it's your kid, then you find out that she is banging six dudes at once while you are at work.  To make matters worse, she has the daughter you think is yours, film it.  Then, I am assuming when custody issues arose, you find out the kid isn't yours from a DNA test.  That's a scenario that will gang bang your life.  How do you come back from that?



Second, how do you convince guys to get in on a gang bang with that type of ratio?  I literally do not know any man that would be willing to do that.  Sloppy seconds is like Sunday Brunch with Grandma compared to what the guys further down in the lineup got with this broad.  Bar Refaeli shouldn't be able to talk you into this idea.

Look, we've all seen stuff online and sometimes stuff pops up that you can't unsee.  6-on-1 is one of those things you can't unsee.  Why you would want to experience this first hand is way beyond me.



Anyway, just as a piece of advice for our reads, make sure you have an accessible tripod for whatever you are doing.

-Big Ran

Lunchtime Look-a-Like

Is it me, or could these two be brothers?

Sean William Scott

Andy Roddick

As a woman, I can say that both of these men are extremely attractive. I would pick Sean any day, because he's just so damn funny, but don't get me wrong, I wouldn't refuse Andy!

Apparently, other people think this as well as I was able to find this online once I made the comparison in my own mind!

-KC Jones

Irrational Rant...Soup Spoons

Who's ready for some irrationality?  This is going to sound insane, but I f*cking hate soup spoons.  Now, let's get this out there too, I am not the world's biggest fan of soup either.  I mean, it's fine, but I don't get a soup boner when someone busts out a can of Campbell's.  

According to Wikipedia, "The Western soup spoon, is the shape and size of a dessert spoon (ie smaller than a tablespoon), but with a deeper, more circular bowl for holding liquid. Modern soup spoons are typically of stainless steel or silver, but in the past wooden and horn spoons were more common. The idea of including a separate soup spoon in a table setting originated in the 18th century, when bowl shapes varied widely, deep or shallow, oval, pointed, egg-shaped or circular. Spoon shapes became more standardized in 19th century silverware.

In Western etiquette, the soup spoon is placed innermost to the right of the plate on which the soup bowl will be set, with smaller spoons ranged outside it."

So, there's the history behind it.  Strangely enough, I actually dig Asian soup spoons, probably because they are a bit exotic and add a little excitement to a meal.  They are like the Lucy Liu of utensils.

I don't know why I have always hated soup spoons, but I think they're just really smug, and smugness is not a good quality.  I think that's it.  Soup spoons think they're so great, better than all the other utensils.  Well, guess what, soup spoons, f*ck you.  You aren't great.  I have to do way too much work to get food out of you.  They're too deep and I end up hitting my front teeth on the part where the back of the rounded portion meets the handle and then I just get pissed off and it ruins my day.  There's just too much slurping and to much effort required.

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

This is just plain disturbing--not only is the song disturbing, but the fact that it got 'stuck in my head' while I was in the shower makes me even more nervous..... First of all, the song is ridiculous in its original form, and the remake is even more insane because when you compare the artists, there is no connection whatsoever. Also, it should be noted that BOTH versions are currently battling it out in my "Brain Boombox" for the coveted top spot. I am thinking about it, and I have NO idea where this came from, so randomly. Long story short: I love it!




The original version of "Careless Whisper" by George Michael. Wow; the hair, the outfits (especially the white shorts and white top ensemble), and the mannerisms... I just don't know what to say. And, then there's the most philosophical line in all of 80's music: "Guilty feed have got no rhythm"...Really? Hmmm...I'm still sorting through that statement, but it's mind blowing.




Probably the most ridiculous remake of all time: "Careless Whisper" by rock band "Seether". I don't even understand what inspired this choice on their part. I wonder what Mr. Michaels thinks. He is flattered? Does he feel like he's being mocked? Does he even know about it (remember, he has found himself in some bad situations over the years, so he may have missed this)?

In the history of odd covers, this has GOT to be in the top 10 of all time, and it's STUCK IN MY HEAD and maybe yours now as well!! Enjoy

-KC Jones

Guests end wedding with fight in parking lot

By Julie Manganis
Staff writer
—

DANVERS — Instead of sending off the bride and groom after a wedding reception Saturday night, an Amesbury couple ended up being led off in handcuffs, after a fight with another guest and then a tussle with officers, according to police.

Shawn J. Pappas, 44, and his wife, Lindsay Pappas, 33, were leaving the Danversport Yacht Club on Saturday night when Shawn Pappas got into a fight with another guest he accused of flirting with his wife, according to a Danvers police report.

Witnesses told police that the other guest, who has not been identified, pulled up to the couple in an orange Chevrolet Camaro and stopped right in front of them, and Pappas then got into a fight with the driver.

By the time police arrived, they found Pappas, in a ripped dress shirt, yelling, as about 20 other guests watched.

Witnesses told police that Pappas even took a few swings at a security guard, as the groom tried to get him to calm down.

When police arrived, Pappas turned his ire on them, demanding that they arrest the man in the orange Camaro. Police have no idea who that person is, they said in a report.

Police initially asked if there was anyone available to drive the couple home to Amesbury, but found no volunteers. They also rejected a suggestion by Lindsay Pappas that they be allowed to take a cab, because police were concerned about their level of intoxication.

At that point, police decided to take Shawn Pappas, who had continued "ranting and raving," into custody. He went down swinging, police said, yelling expletives and insults at the officers.

Then, his wife jumped into the fray, ending up on top of them, police said.

Both were arrested on disorderly conduct charges. Shawn Pappas is facing a charge of resisting arrest, and Lindsay Pappas is facing a charge of interfering with police.

On the way back to the station, Shawn Pappas told the officer that he'd gotten out of his handcuffs — prompting the patrolman to call for backup at the station. It turned out he was lying about the cuffs, but he continued a barrage of insults and threats, police said.

Meanwhile, Lindsay Pappas complained that she'd gotten wood chips in her underpants, pulling up her dress to show everyone in the police station booking area, police said.

Then, she claimed she had chest pains, but when EMTs arrived, she told them she was fine, police said. Eventually, she was given a ride home by a co-worker at Beverly Hospital, where she is a nurse.

Shawn Pappas was released later from police custody.

Both pleaded not guilty to the charges at their arraignments yesterday in Salem District Court. They were advised to hire a lawyer and are due back in court Sept. 2.

I just got back to my office, so unfortunately, this is the first chance I have had to talk about this story.  Right off the top, let me say this:  Julie Manganis, this is how you write a story!  No wasted thoughts, no wasted words.  I really think that literally, every paragraph of this story had an important fact or development in it.  Julie will be working for the New York Times very, very soon.  Anyway, onto the story, and lets really get into this one.


First of all, Danvers.  Of course it was.  The dude that was accused of flirting with the wife was driving an ORANGE CAMARO.  I repeat, ORANGE CAMARO.

You don't drive an orange Camaro and share a few simple pleasantries with a woman in a parking lot.  You roll up to her with her husband right there and spit serious game.  You expect to take the wife from her husband and if not, you move on to the bridesmaids.  Also, is there any doubt he was blaring Billy Squier on his stereo?

The husband had every right to absolutely lose his sh!t and lay a beating on Mr. Camaro; blink and all you will see is tail lights after your woman has very happily hopped in shotgun.

I also love how taking the couple to jail and booking them wasn't really on the cops' to-do list, they asked for volunteers to drive them home, but no one from the wedding was sober enough.  Both the husband AND wife end up brawling with the cops, forcing their hand. 

We then come to my favorite part:  the wife complains that she got wood chips in her underwear and proceeds to show everyone in the police booking area.

This was an AWESOME wedding.  Forget crashing the weddings of the rich and famous, give me a Danvers wedding every day of the week.

-Big Ran

Thanks to Patrick for the tip on this story.

KC Jones Comments: First of all, it should be noted that I was at a wedding this weekend, on Saturday night. However, I can neither confirm nor deny that it was in Danvers or that I also ended up with wood chips in my undergarments. Shout out to this reporter for NOT using the word "Panties"---As Big Ran has known since our high school days, this word ranks EXTREMELY high on the 'forbidden words' list. I love that this dude created additional chaos by lying about getting out of the cuffs, and I love every single factoid I was able to extract from this story. Sometimes you want proof that God loves us, and this story is that proof.  

P.S:  Big Ran,  nice shout out to our main man Billy Squier....if it weren't for him, what else would Chaz Michael Michaels have skated to in "Blades of Glory"??

P.P.S: Notice the vanity plate on the pic of the Orange Camaro---HUGGERSS...awww, too cute. What?!