I'm So Confused

It's diffiult to find a photo of Tebow without a helmet, but with a shirt.

NFL.com is running a photo montage of what Tim Tebow's kids would look like if he boned certain celebrities.  Of course they use the term "celebrity marriage" rather than bone, but you get my drift.  It's kind of blowing my mind that NFL.com is actually doing this and that they aren't making it a joke (other than Michele Bachmann having a bouncing baby Beiber).  Aren't you supposed to make them all a joke, a la Conan?

Let's be honest, other than Michelle Bachmann, there is no one on that list that Middle America would approve (cough, cough, racism).  Not one.  Not even Kristen Stewart because she's a vampire.  Also, as a side note, Tim Tebow should not intercorse Selena Gomez, that kid would be beat.

-Big Ran

I Just Finished an Entire Box of Tic Tacs

I mean, I probably gave like 12 of them away and the box says there are 37 in there, so I had like 25 of them.  That's normal right?  That's what most people do?  I honestly think I could have easily eaten more.  it was after lunch, so it was like dessert, but also freshened my breath.  

I stand by my decision.

-Big Ran

Super Terrific Happy Hour

Female Bodyguard Training In China Involves Bikinis, Human Centipedes

Trainees gather at the beach as they wait for the beginning of a training session for female bodyguards organised by Tianjiao Special Guard/Security Consultant Ltd. Co. in Sanya, Hainan province January 8, 2012. According to the company, a total of 20 women, mostly college graduates, participated in the training session on Sunday, which was the first open group training for female bodyguards in China. All trainees will have to undergo 8-10 months of training to develop sufficient skills to serve their clients. The company will offer the best trainee a chance to attend further study at the International Security Academy in Israel. Picture taken January 8, 2012.

China's not dumb.  I don't think they're training body guards as much as they are taking a page from Vladimir Putin's book and are starting a female army for sexy time and distraction on the way to world domination.  Watch out, the cold world may be back on.  Someone alert The Wolverines

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

Dudes, really weird start to this video, but it is actually their old school low budget video.

The countdown is on to see the Celts vs. the Mavs with KC tonight.  I think the Cs will win, but KC and I will probably hang out with Mark Cuban, Dirk, and JET after the game.

"I seen her stroke and it's all flame." - Jason Terry

Best quote of all time.  Period.

-Big Ran

Because I'm Suave, You Can Suck It

Eight hundred and thirty nine!

I just figured I would pass this along.  I laughed a few times.

-Big Ran

Two For One: Lunchtime Look-a-Like AND Are These People Good Looking?

Cate Blanchett VS. Anne Heche...WHO YA GOT?

F*cking Double Jeopardy here folks.  Are these ladies good looking and they look-a-like!  Two for one, buy one get one, doubleshot Tuesday, Wilford Brimley Double Boner Bonus!  Prepare to have your minds blown.

In one corner we have Cate Blanchett:

Tale of the Tape:

Name: Catherine Élise Blanchett

Birthdate: May 14, 1969 (age 42)

Birthplace:  Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

Height:  5' 8 1/2" (tall drink of water)

Known for:  Elizabeth, The Lord of the Rings, Babel, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Benjamin Button, Hanna, The Aviator

Awards: British Academy of Film and Television Arts Award for Elizabeth, Golden Globe for Elizabeth, Academy Award for The Aviator

Bonus: Extra credit for having a small uncredited roll in Hot Fuzz, funny ass movie

In the other corner, we have Anne Heche:

Tale of the Tape:

Name: Anne Celeste Heche
Birthdate: May 25, 1969 (age 42)
Birthplace: Aurora, Ohio, USA

Height:  5' 5"

Known for:  Donnie Brasco, Wag the Dog, Six days Seven Nights, Hung, dating Ellen Degeneres  

Awards: Won a Daytime Emmy in 1991, nominated for some other crap

Bonus:  Claims to have been molested by her Dad which contributed to her insanity

OK, first off, these two look alike when you check out specific pics on google.  Second of all, they were born within 11 days of each other.  Blanchett can go from looking beautiful to kind of creepy.  She;s got a bit of an unnerving smile, like she may kill you in your sleep.  Heche jumped into fame for dating Ellen Degeneres and has seen middling success.  Hung is a great show, too bad it's been cancelled.

Results...In my opinion, Cate Blanchett, good looking.  Anne Heche?  I can't figure it out.  Maybe its the Ellen thing and her self proclaimed insanity that is pushing me to say no.  Career wise, Blanchett wins in a landslide, but in an actual fight, Heche in a bloodbath.  Blanchett would have the reach, but you can't teach crazy, you have to earn it, live it.  Heche has.

-Big Ran

PS:  I know I could have put in some effort and really worked this blog, but truth be told, I got to a point and just said, "good enough."  You know the feeling.

Super Terrific Happy Hour

Damn.  Sometimes I miss travelling to Asia for work, because, once in a while, you see something so awesome it makes the 18 hour flight totally worth it.

You do you, Japan.  You crazy sons of bitches.

-Big Ran

Stuck In My Head

OK, so I have two things running circles in my head this morning. The first is this Lenovo commercial. A friend of mine mentioned it on the book last night and I cannot stop singing that troll's little jam. Sing it with me: Sorry that you lost your files...here's some fruit to make you smile woo ha woo ha.



The second is this crazy honey badger video. This is stuck in my dome because Brent Musburger must have used "Honey Badger" rather than Tyrann Mathieu's actual name in the National Championship game last night.

-Big Ran

PS: Deadspin compiled all of Musburger's "Honey Badger" references, but I can't embed it in the blog, so here's the link: Chronicling Brent Musburger's "Honey Badger" Obsession

PPS: Nick Saban may be the last person on the planet I would want to spend any time with. Imagine trying to have a few beers with him? Just a barrel of f*cking laughs.

Getting Boned

iVillage - Chaz Bono is close to completing his gender reassignment transition with a surgery that will construct a penis for him. But the child of Cher and the late Sonny Bono plans to pay for the expensive procedure on his own.

"I could get a phalloplasty, which builds the phallus from a donor site on your body," the Dancing with the Stars veteran, 42, tells Rolling Stone.

But the transgender activist, who recently called off his engagement to ex-girlfriend Jennifer Elia, is considering a different procedure that will leave a smaller but more functional penis.

"I'm leaning more toward a metoidioplasty. It's a procedure that uses what you already have [the clitoris] which has grown larger from the testosterone," he explains. "You end up with a smaller phallus than with the phalloplasty, but it's fully functional, it gets erect, and the sensation is all there."

And it's not exactly the cost of an in-and-out tummy tuck, the Becoming Chaz star says. The cost "depends," he explains. "There's different ways to do the surgery, from real basic to more and more options. It's like a car."

He clarifies: "The doctor I want to use is in Belgrade. It's going to be a little cheaper there. Probably $25,000, maybe $45,000, I really don't know."

Bono tells the magazine he hopes to be able to afford the surgery soon (he already had his breasts removed), but that even without it, he's already man.

"You have to understand, though, for me the life transformation has already happened."

It's really been quite a day for me, mostly because it was a recycling Monday which means I utter more profanities before 7 AM than most people do all day.  I am the cursing equivalent of the U.S. Army.  Also because I go to start my car this morning and it just isn't having it.  Awesome start to the week.

So, I then see this story and have to say something about it.  Now, isn't it just mind-blowing how different lives can be?  Here I am, trying to save money to pay my mortgage, maybe a car that starts, or a replacement iPhone for the one I shattered, and Chaz here is saving a money for a fully functional dong.   Hey, whatever pulls your trigger, right?

My questions is this:  we're still in America, right?  If you're gonna buy a dong, wouldn't you want the biggest and baddest one out there?  Chaz, bro(?), what's up with the metoidoplasty?  Bring some heat with the phalloplasty, homie.

Do you think that's why Chaz's fiancee split?  She invested the time and obvious effort in dating Chaz hoping for a payoff in the form of a ride on the old bologna pony, right?  Then he (?) goes and chooses the smaller version?  That's just selfish.

-Big Ran

PS:  If anyone wants to give me a car or an iPhone, hit me up.  Will blog for stuff.

PPS:  You know what's awesome?  Getting ads for transsexual dating on websites after doing google searches for and writing about Chaz Bono.

Indecent Exposure

I've been meaning to blog about this since I heard about it last week, but unfortunately, my job actually got in the way of my weekday blogging time. The nerve!

Anyway, not sure if anyone else has heard about this, but apparently Dennis Rodman, aka "The Worm", aka, The Most Disgusting Human Being in the Universe (I'm trademarking that as my own) has moved on from "Celebrity Rehab" with Dr. Drew back to basketball. No, don't call it a comeback (shout out to LL Cool J), he's not returning to the NBA courts, but he's apparently attempting to form a topless basketball team which he will coach. And yes, for women. And yes again, you read that correctly.

Don't believe me? Here you go, courtesy of CBS Sports.com:

Dennis Rodman is bouncing back into basketball — this time as a coach for a topless women’s team he’s launching for Headquarters Gentlemen’s Club, the New York mammary mecca. The NBA bad boy dreamed up the team after hearing that rival strip joint Rick’s Cabaret had launched a league with former Atlanta Hawk Spud Webb, who runs the Texas Legends, an NBA Development League team. Rodman is even challenging Rick’s Cabaret’s topless team to a charity game.

An ugly man, an even uglier woman.

“I don’t know too many men that don’t like a good-looking woman running up and down around the court,” Rodman told Page Six.

After finding out about this, I had a couple of questions/comments:

1. Is anyone else surprised by this? Right, I didn't think so.

2. Honestly, what would inspire a woman to participate in something like this? I mean, obviously it already exists as there's competition for it as stated in the article. I think Big Ran once referred to females with daddy issues in an earlier post...I guess that's the same thing here.

3. Sports bras exist out of necessity. Physically speaking, I'm guessing the two types of women who will be involved in this league will be those who are busted, fake, porn star types and those who are just busted and saggy. The former, having been surgically enhanced, will not need the sports bra as much as the latter. This is a National Geographic photo shoot just waiting to happen. I'm also predicting black eyes frequently occurring. I am speaking for most women when I say that I wouldn't be caught dead in public without a bra on, so the LAST thing I'd be doing is running around topless. Gravity is not kind as we all know.

4. Did anyone else notice Spud Webb's name mentioned in this article? Wow. All I can say about that is wow. He always seemed a little skeevy to me, but this is more than I would have taken him for.

5. If the women are very well endowed on top, what if one of the 'girls' is mistaken for a basketball?

6. Remember when he was married to Madonna? Awesome.

7. Given his affinity for cross dressing, what's the over/under on him becoming a player/coach in this league?

Brutal...but sadly, looking better than Madonna.

While I am beyond thrilled that the NBA Lockout is a thing of the past, this news makes me very nervous.

Team Name Suggestion:

1. The Rod's Ballers
2. Big Breasted Ballers
3. The Money Shots

And, finally, I think I just figured out who inspired Danzig's song, "Mother":



-KC Jones